180616

‘Back straight when you pray, boy.’

Sehun clenches his teeth, trying to endure the pain and numbness in his legs. It has been more than two hours in the same unchanged position – on his knees, facing the altar. He is exhausted.

‘Let’s repeat one more time-‘

His mind is in a complete disarray as his opens his mouth to follow the prayer that he has now recited more than fifty times just this afternoon alone. He wants to stand up and run away, but he knows he cannot. Where would he go to? Not to mention, the moment he disappears, the pastor in charge will surely alert the police. It is not like fourteen year old boys can stay homeless for long without anyone noticing them.

Meeting Jongin is not an option – the Kims live right next door to the Baes and Sehun would be sent away sooner than he would have the time to explain the situation. He could go to Chanyeol’s, maybe, but he does not know his friend’s exact address. He also does not have a phone; it has been taken away indefinitely. It is almost funny, in a ridiculous sort of way, that contacting his immediate siblings does not even cross his mind – the twins are probably at their own church in that exact moment, praying for the cure to the sickness of his soul.

Joohyun looked so scared when their father manhandled Sehun into the car in order to send him away for the holiday, but Junmyeon, Junmyeon looked calm. In fact, there was a glimpse of something almost mocking in his eyes and it told his younger brother everything that he needed to know about Junmyeon’s involvement in the case. His sister had always appeared to be self-righteous but all the same extremely naïve in her narrow minded beliefs; his brother, though, he was conscious of the selfishness of his choices.

‘I said, back straight.’ Sehun follows with difficulty, having got lost in his thoughts for a moment. It is almost six in the afternoon, that much he manages to discern from the pastor’s wife’s wrist watch as she waves her hands around, leading the prayer. There are two more boys in the chapel with them, though both are older than him. One Sehun does not recognise; the other one is called Chris.

As it is, Sehun and Chris shared a rather passionate kiss two nights ago when they both found each other in the bathroom at a random hour. They did not know each other then and they do not know each other now; Sehun feels nothing for him but he did feel something then. It is just that, in a camp full of deviants that are forced to spend their entire day praying for their own salvation from their unnatural urges, giving in to those feelings seems like the only possible way of defiance. Even when done with strangers.

It was spontaneous but Sehun does not regret it. He has no more time to contemplate it because the pastor’s wife says the dreaded words,

‘Now, let us pray in silence.’

He can hear the clock ticking, slowly driving him mad. Anxious, numb, yes. But also simply mad. He is afraid that by the time he will be allowed to leave, there will be nothing left of himself to save. Left alone with his thoughts, not certain anymore how to distinguish the truth from fantasies, he is doomed.

Tik, tik, tik…

He wakes up with a start, feeling his forehead drenched in sweat despite the minus temperatures outside. He is also dizzy; he forces himself to stand up and nearly run to the attached bathroom before he empties his stomach into the toilet bowl.

He feels awful but also uneasy on a deeper level. He finally stopped having that particular nightmare around the time he turned sixteen so why would it return and manifest itself in such a way, and right when Sehun is about to drop the last remains of his old life is beyond him – he does not know. He takes a few breaths, trying to prevent his body from further acting up.

They never touched him at the camp; they ever raised their hand at him, never even abused him verbally like his own father sometimes had a habit of. But the intense monotony and one track mindedness with which he was made repeat the words over and over, ironically nearly speak into existence the eternal damnation with his own mouth was so numbing that Sehun instantly recognised its purpose. They filled him up so much that there was nothing certain about himself left. Everything else was erased.

It took Sehun several months to recover after that summer. He remembers having frequent panic attacks at night, which in turn often woke up Jongin, his roommate at the time. He also quit the dancing club in the same year, despite his friend pleading with him not to. But he just could not handle being around people.

Sehun takes another deep breath and slides down to the floor; he does not want to remember. Then he hears light shuffling outside the door. The person on the other side does not say anything, merely stops their movements as if listening in but Sehun knows anyway that it is Yixing. After all, there is only a thin wall separating their rooms in the latter boy’s family home.

‘Why am I so ing messed up?’ He whispers into the emptiness, voice trembling. He had been mostly alright all the time his intentions were hidden and his relationship on the down low. Now that he was out… all that hostility diverted back towards him seems to have triggered his anxiety with the ease of lighting up a single match.

His eyes remain glossy as he covers mouth with his palm tightly, afraid that the other will somehow hear the distress bubbling in his throat.

Seungwan Son has done a lot of embarrassing things in her short life that she is not exactly proud of but somehow, three in particular stand out to her and burn her to the core even today.

One of the most awkward situations that she has endured was having to look at that Miguel boy’s face right after she had with him. He seemed satisfied, probably thought that he took care of her pleasure as well, which could not be further from the truth. He did try, to his credit, but even his unexpectedly defined for a sixteen year old physique did not help even warm the girl up, let alone make her come. In the end, she thanked him (sic!) and hastily left without sparing him a second glance. He appeared to have got the message because he never approached her again. Until today she sometimes remembers the event late at night just before falling asleep, can still remember the sour smell of the dirty sneakers that were hidden under his bed and her face burns like a firework explosion.

The other situation is the moment she kissed Sunyoung and was almost at once pushed away. The half second when their eyes met and she understood everything – how horrified the other was and how big of a mistake Seungwan had just made – is the image that does not lose its intensity in the girl’s mind no matter the time passed.

The last one is almost ironic, and Seungwan suspects that should be very much over it by now but somehow, she cannot move on from. It is the brief period when she thought she could be attracted to Chanyeol, and more specifically, the moment when she tried to – for a lack of a better word – seduce him after their last PE period on one sunny Thursday afternoon. It was all her doing because she was the confused one. Before she had had a chance to come to terms with her newly discovered uality, she had been shipped over to another school and coincidentally, clicked too easily and too fast with a certain tall brunette carrying an acoustic guitar on his back. She knew he was not into girls and she also already knew that guys just did not do it for her, but she still tried. She followed him to the changing room and kissed without a word; he went along with it, almost as if sensing that she simply needed to get it out of her system.

It never turned into an awkwardness between them per se; in fact, the moment they separated, they laughed it off as an idiotic mistake and went about their day not with a feeling of avoidance but rather smooth resolve of the matter. No, it was awkward for Seungwan because she recognised the occurrence as her own one last conscious attempt at downplaying her identity and perhaps in hope to check if she could still be normal in the eyes of her family. In retrospect, Chanyeol simply got caught up in her insecurities, the occurrence which she remembers until this day when she questions herself or is in doubt as to what to do.

But this? This might just take the cake.

Seungwan knows that Joohyun wants this, it is hard not to feel the sincere urgency conveyed through the salty kiss. Those tears… If the singer’s mind was not completely blank, she would quickly conclude that the tears are ones of internal conflict, not repulsion. Seungwan herself has been there, wanting to follow her heart but feeling terribly insecure about it.

Joohyun squeezes her palm almost painfully. She barely participates in the kiss, moving in such an unsure and bizarre for such an exchange way that under different circumstances, was this a cheap Hollywood rom-com, Seungwan would laugh her head off, throwing popcorn at the screen and lamenting about the downfall of good acting, before being rudely reminded by one of her friends that she herself does not exactly have that much experience.

But this is real life, and this is Joohyun Bae. And Seungwan is so overwhelmed by what is happening to her that she does not notice any of that. She stays close, conveying what is probably more sentiment and longing through that unwavering hand grip than through that delicate, feathery kiss they are engaged in.

It is hard not to accept this as yet another of her unwarranted fantasies but the issue is, this is so much better than any fantasy that Seungwan ever had, and not one that she would be capable of creating in her head. The sweatiness of their linked hands, the light layer of wax on Joohyun’s lips from her Chap Stick and the lingering scent of the lemon mint shampoo that Seungwan herself lent the other girl the night before. No sane mind would authenticate all those details.

Maybe she is no longer sane. Maybe she has finally lost it. That would certainly explain a few things.

Then Joohyun breaks the kiss and leans away, unconsciously running her tongue over her lower lip. She is not looking at Seungwan. This is also the moment the singer is really able to recognise the streaks of dried tears on the other’s cheeks and her heart nearly stops at the sight. Did she, by any chance, force Joohyun into the kiss after all? Did she misread the signs again?

Joohyun eventually sits down, still looking down as she now touches her lips with the hand that so desperately held on to Seungwan’s just mere seconds ago. Well, to call it taking a seat would perhaps be generously said; more accurately, Joohyun was lucky that the chair happened to be there when her legs gave out under her.

‘Are you gonna hate me now? For real?’ Seungwan whispers, wringing her fingers in a nervous manner. At a lack of response, she adds in a quivering voice. ‘I’m sorry I did that, I wasn’t thin-‘

‘I did that, Seungwan,’ Joohyun interrupts immediately, louder that it seems necessary, and then after a moment continues in a much calmer way. ‘I did it.’ It does not appear that anything else will be said between them as the older girl is simply not willing but Seungwan needs to know. The green scarf muffles her words as she asks,

‘Why?’

‘You were singing, your lips were moving and I just… You were just there. And I just suddenly needed... I had to. I just couldn’t take it.’

‘But why?’ Seungwan asks again in a small voice. She does not know what to think, looking to Joohyun half hopeful and half terrified. Joohyun shrugs, appearing absolutely distraught and hopeless.

‘I really don’t know.’

Seungwan sits down on the other side of the table, trying to process the last five minutes in a way that will not leave her scarred for life.

‘If I kissed you right now, would you reciprocate?’ Joohyun finally raises her head to properly look at her companion, her expression now unreadable. She appears to be thinking about the question seriously for a moment before lowering her gaze back to her lap.

‘I don’t know.’

Seungwan wants to do exactly that – she wants to approach the other again, surprise her with the unexpected action and maybe take her breath away in the process. She wants to join their lips again before that faint taste of salt and macadamia disappears completely but that is neither fair nor appropriate. If Joohyun did not push her away the first time, she surely would now. Treating this particular experience with a shock therapy would only spoil it further and Seungwan is not prepared to suddenly have her tiny world fall apart.

There is probably only one logical thing to do, even though it is not ideal by any means and feels like a step back for both of them. But if the current situation could be compared to a marathon, Seungwan would be nearly at the finish line while Joohyun would still be standing near the lemonade booth, wondering if she wanted to take part in it at all. It is simply not fair to force something that might not even be there in the first place.

Joohyun needs to know her own mind before she can let Seungwan in.

‘Then I think you need to go back to your room for now and give it some time. I- I don’t want anything to change between us. Unless you want to, of course,’ she adds hastily, anxious not to be misunderstood. ‘But you don’t seem to have the answers right now and it’s-‘ I have to protect myself, too. ‘-it’s just insane. It’s five in the morning. You need to think about this.’

Their eyes meet briefly over the kitchen table. Joohyun frowns, but Seungwan is much too vulnerable to ask for the cause. The older girl remains silent, though, not willing to give her opinion on the matter beyond the words already said and the singer takes it as a sign to leave.

It is not fair to leave the older confused like that, but it is not something that Seungwan can help her with, either.

‘I’ll see you later, good night,’ she said stupidly, considering it is already dawning outside and soon the Park family will wake up, reading themselves for the work day ahead.

‘-meet you at six thirty, then?’ There is silence as the person on the other side of the line begins to explain something. ‘Yeah, of course I know!’ Chanyeol Park quickly quietens in a vain attempt to contain his own boisterous voice. ‘I know.’ He repeats, this time whispering.

‘What do you know?’ Seungwan appears over his shoulder, dripping water on his T shirt from her freshly washed hair. The boy nearly jumps out of his skin, he looks that spooked, not expecting her to come out of the shower so soon and apparently having failed to hear her steps too.

‘Bloody hell, Seungwan, can you not?!’ He quickly closes the notebook splayed in front of him on the bed, taking care not to leave any visible evidence. ‘I’ll call you back,’ he whispers in the receiver, painfully aware that his best friend is still three centimetres away from his face, still listening in on him and still dripping her liquid conditioner all over his bed sheets.

‘Call back who?’ She pretends not to take notice of his raw indignation at being interrupted.

‘A friend. I have my own plans too, you know.’

‘You do? You have other friends, Park?’ She teases him, now slowly moving away and taking interest in her suitcase where she hopes to find her favourite hoodie hidden underneath all the remaning clothes. She cannot exactly remember what she packed – understandably so, since she did not spend more than seven minutes doing it.

‘You do know that I had a life before you, right?’ It is his turn to deadpan.

‘Highly unlikely.’

‘My point being,’ the boy clears his throat loudly. ‘I have quite a few friends around.’

‘I can tag along, then?’

‘No way,’ he rejects the idea at once which has her grin in mirth.

‘So it’s a date.’ Chanyeol’s head shoots up so fast that the girl fears he might have snapped something in his neck. ‘I thought you were still hang up on Baekhyun Byun, though,’ she adds, almost as an afterthought.

‘Yeah, well- Anyway, this is not a date. Just- hanging out with a friend. Guys’ night out and all that.’

‘Yeah, okay, whatever.’ Seungwan is already distracted because she cannot find her preferred attire anywhere. ‘Listen, I need to you do something for me.’

The tall drummer looks up, still cautious but the topic has already been changed.

‘I promised Joohyun that I will take her around town today, you know, I wanted to cheer her up a little, but… Things got complicated and I just can’t be alone with her right now. Can you come with us?’

‘What got complicated? It’s barely been twenty-four hours since we arrived in York. What did you do again?’ Chanyeol frowns at his companion, feeling a headache approaching just at the thought.

‘I didn’t do anything,’ the girl defends herself heatedly before remembering that she is here for help. She readies her biggest insincere grin which Chanyeol sees right through, for he shudders at the sight. ‘Yeol, Yeol, Yeol, my dearest Yeol.’

‘Do not even go there, I beg of you.’ He takes a step away when he sees her lean in.

‘Just help me out, alright? I’ll explain this later. Please, I’ll owe you big time.’

‘You already owe me big time. Multiple big times. Not to mention, it’s bloody freezing outside, I can’t image why either of you would even wanna leave the house.’

‘I’ll wait for you downstairs, okay? We’re leaving at eleven. Oh, and I’m taking this,’ she raises her hand in which she holds a grey hoodie before lowering it down to sniff at it. Satisfied with the state of its cleanness, she nods to herself.

‘I’m not going- And don’t take my clothes like that. Not only do you have a horrible tendency to spill all kinds of drinks on my stuff, but it also makes all my neighbours think that we’re dating.’

‘Just tell them you’re gay next time?’

‘Uh, too much hassle.’ He falls back on his bed in a dramatic fashion and she leaves him at that.

She still takes the shirt, though.

Chanyeol Park might not be a genius, but it definitely does not take a genius to recognise tension between two people.

Joohyun Bae, who in the last two months has become somewhat of a constant in their lives – and an inseparable companion to one Seungwan Son – is now purposely walking on his left hand-side, pretending to be extremely interested in the local architecture and asking him all sorts of questions that he has half-hearted answers to.

He aims to be a poor, underappreciated musician, not an architect so he does not know anything despite having lived there for so long.

Seungwan is walking to his right, staying there most of the time, but occasionally throwing a light, general remark about the place they are currently in and then leaning in to see Joohyun’s reaction. Chanyeol feels sorry for her but he feels sorry for himself a little more because he is involuntarily stuck in between them like a giant third wheel. His date with Baekhyun – if you can even call it that - does not start until six thirty, though, so he has no choice but to come through and help Seungwan; he is not selfish enough not to do so. Right now, he is just miserable beyond belief.

He quietly groans when he sees Chocolate Story on the horizon. Not again.

Despite her silent pleas, Chanyeol leaves the two girls at five to get ready for whatever demands his immediate attention and Seungwan suggests going to The Masons Arms for early dinner. It is a little off track for them, but their Game pie is delicious, Seungwan blabbers all the way to the taxi stand and Joohyun merely nods, still looking at her younger companion in the same ambiguous way that she did at dawn. It makes Seungwan blush so she eventually quietens, interrupting the lull in the conversation only to give their driver the address. The next fifteen minutes is spent in silence, although Joohyun makes a point to sit close to Seungwan and after a short moment of hesitation, intertwines their fingers on the other’s lap.

It feels familiar as it has happened quite a few times already and she thought nothing of it, but that was before this morning. Now Seungwan is hyper aware of even the smallest contact between them.

They get off at the corner and enter the pub. It is fairly crowded for that time of day but they find a table next to the window. Seungwan orders for both of them when Joohyun only shakes her head, letting her know that she does not care either way. It is undeniably awkward; Seungwan just keeps talking – about school, about York, about the food – anything to prevent herself from staring at Joohyun’s lips which are moving- Is she saying something?

‘Seungwan.’ When Joohyun puts her own palm over the younger girl’s, Seungwan freezes. ‘Can we talk?’ She inquires quietly.

The singer looks around nervously. Despite the fact that Joohyun is supposed to be the one confused between them, it is her who behaves like a lunatic, avoiding the topic like a plague. But Seungwan fears rejection. She’d been with two other girls, both older but those relationships never went beyond a few meetings and some physical contact. One of them, Alisha, warned her against falling for straight girls and while Seungwan feels that it is way too late for that – if Joohyun even is straight, because who knows – she is more scared to lose the companionship and closeness they have shared than the prospect of a possible romantic relationship that until this morning she never thought was even on the table for her.

‘Can we talk later?’ She said instead.

Joohyun does not look like the request sits well with her but having little choice, she agrees. They eat their meal tense and disappointed, barely able to swallow.

It is already dark and the surroundings are devoid of human presence when they leave the pub, walking towards the high street where Seungwan hopes to hail a taxi home. However, the moment they are far enough from the commotion inside, Joohyun pulls her into the first narrow passage between the houses they meet. Backed against the wall, Seungwan can only blink surprised. Joohyun leans away, finding perch across from her, against the other wall.

‘Look, you left me there this morning before giving me a chance to process… To say anything,’ she starts without any preamble, knowing perfectly that they are on the same page. ‘I just needed a moment to understand because that… that kiss took me by surprise as much as it did you.’

‘So do you understand now..?’ The younger cannot help but ask when Joohyun does not follow up.

‘No,’ she answers honestly. ‘But one thing that I realised is that it didn’t just begin today. It’s been… It feels like it’s been a long time coming.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘It didn’t start today,’ she adds with more conviction.

‘But you religion is important to you. You’re- you’re Christian. You can’t like me like that… can you,’ the singer murmurs, not willing to look the other in the eye. She has heard so much about Joohyun’s beliefs, about her struggle with it that it now seems only reasonable to draw attention to it in case Joohyun’s is only temporary insanity. ‘You were so shocked when your brother came out to you and you keep telling me how hard it is to reject your beliefs-‘

‘It is,’ Joohyun interrupts her, her own eyes wide – with fear or anxiety, Seungwan does not know. ‘And yes, I cannot like you… But no one ever said that I wouldn’t anyway.’ When Seungwan’s mouth involuntarily opens in shock, Joohyun releases a short airy chuckle even though nothing about it is funny. ‘I’m so overwhelmed because this is all happening at once to me. Sehun, my faith, my family, you. I wish that I could just take it on one by one, deal with one matter before the next comes around but life doesn’t work that way, does it. It just drops you in the middle of this huge chaos and good luck making it out alive.’ Now it is Seungwan’s turn to let out a disbelieving sound akin to a laugh. ‘Honestly, I should be panicking right now but I’ve prayed the whole morning and the result is still the same. You’re here, you’ve been here for me and I still want… I still feel this want.’

Seungwan just gapes, speechless. Joohyun sighs, carefully approaching her until they are centimetres away, face to face.

‘I don’t know if I have the answer that you need to hear. Honestly? I don’t know where to go next from here or where it leaves us but in the meantime… Can this be the answer?’ She carefully leans in until their lips are almost touching. ‘Is it too selfish too ask?’ She whispers right into Seungwan’s.

It is selfish, Seungwan thinks, overwhelmed. Selfish of me to use this situation like that. When she brings Joohyun closer by the shoulders, there is nothing gentle about it this time. The heat is there as both take the opportunity to deepen the kiss and Joohyun sighs into it as if it finally satisfied a profound craving inside her. Seungwan marvels at the sound, finally letting herself give in.

It starts snowing.

A/N: As I had a couple people asking, my current twitter handle is @/sheepofsheep but I don't know if I'm worth following, unless you wanna be friends. But you'll have to endure a lot of exo and feminism so it might not be worth it.

Please upvote if you liked. The title is taken from Troye Sivan's song Heaven. As always, thank you for following my story and have a good day, everyone!