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‘Her name is Sunyoung, she is... I think she is 25 this year. Something like that. I think there should be 8 years between us.’

Seungwan stretches her legs, as much as she can anyway since both girls are seated in the last row. The chapel, although relatively small, feels strangely eerie at this time of evening, but perhaps it is only her impression. Joohyun looks calm, almost comforted by the familiar to her surroundings.

‘She’s the girl I mentioned before. The one- The one fell in love with that didn’t love me back.’ She scratches her head, temporarily immersed in her own thoughts before shaking her head. ‘No, that’s not right. She did love me. She just didn’t do it the way I wanted her to at the time. But she wanted the best for me.’

‘Seungwan.’ The singer looks up at Joohyun’s quiet voice. The latter looks solemn. ‘Are you sure you want to tell me this story? It really does sound like a secret you don’t give away lightly.’

‘It is a secret, but not because it’s shameful. Not to me, anyway. It’s more that I don’t like to think about my life in Oakham and I cannot help but reminisce whenever I am forced to remember Sunyoung. The guys don’t know because it doesn’t really concern them. I like to think that the old Seungwan is not coming back.’

Joohyun’s expression oscillates between comforting and unsure, but she is there. She has not run away yet and does not look like she is planning to.

‘Sunyoung was a fresh graduate from a local uni, she was a substitute teacher since our regular Spanish tutor was on maternity leave… And I just had problems. I had problems all the time. I had them, I didn’t know how to solve them and so I created even more of them. I was in the headmistress’ office almost every week for this or that, testing everyone’s patience to the limit.’

Seungwan stops for a moment, taking a deep breath. She nervously pushes the thick strands of her fringe that fell into her eyes away.

‘Sunyoung recognised that internal fight. She kept asking if I wanted to talk and I shot her down, many times. She wasn’t old or anything, but in my eyes she was still a teacher. And anyway, at that time I wouldn’t have listened to anyone, teacher or not. I have a few schoolmates that cared for me, but I pushed them all away.

‘There was this place on the rooftop of my old gym - I know, how bloody cliché of me,’ Seungwan looks to Joohyun, who frowns in worry, but the singer interprets it as scepticism so grinning shortly, she explains. ‘But one of the screws in the door was loose and if you tried hard enough, you could bend the old metal just enough to push yourself through. She saw me sitting there from the lawn, thought I wanted to kill myself, but I just liked sitting on the edge, contemplating what was so wrong with me… Why I, of all people, had to be the odd one out. Wondering if anyone would cry at all if I suddenly disappeared. It felt like a cheap adrenaline rush, toying with my life like that.’

She stops her narrative when she feels a warm hand on her shoulder and she looks up. Joohyun looks shaken as she asks,

‘Did- did you try to take away your own life?’ Seungwan shrugs.

‘No, I never had suicidal thoughts. I was just really, really unhappy and I didn’t know how to change it. Discovering that you’re different can be quite painful and confusing, and there are only two ways of dealing with it: either you accept that the only person you owe anything to is yourself and let the chips fall where they may, or you’ll clam up completely and lose yourself. Getting to know the you inside is your most important job, that’s what Sunyoung told me. Knowing yourself, your own worth and taking what you deserve doesn’t mean being selfish or forgetting others. It just means that when the time comes, you will know what the right thing to do is and you’ll find comfort in your own decisions.‘

Joohyun says nothing to that; quite frankly, her eyes look hazed, like she has suddenly been transported into another place to which Seungwan has no access. They have shared quite a bit between the two of them, especially in relation to recent events but there is still so much that Seungwan does not know about Joohyun, so much that she can only imagine… or not even that. Whatever she said seems to have stricken a chord that the singer does not dare touch.

‘I liked her,’ she returns to her story, clearing once. ‘Sunyoung. I thought I loved her… No, I was in love with her but it was so unhealthy and obsessive. I mistook her kindness for something more because I was so confused by what I felt. I knew she was gay, she told me, and my stupid arse thought that the disclosure of her identity was some sort of confession to me… She just wanted to be supportive, she had been in my situation before,’ Seungwan cannot help but scoff bitterly. There are so many things she wishes she could do all over again, but time does not stop or turn back for anyone. She has to live with her mistakes.

‘Something happened between the two of you… Something unrepairable,’ Joohyun guesses quietly, finally coming back to her senses. Seungwan nods curtly.

‘We would hang out a lot, especially after school. I would have those… episodes, when I just wouldn’t leave the bed for days because the world suddenly stopped making sense. Like somebody just pulled the plug and all the colour drained. I would become unresponsive. One moment I was with people, laughing, and a second later I didn’t even know how I got there. But thanks to Sunyoung, they went away. I felt like I finally had a purpose. For once, I had somebody that I could be true to. And she would always say…,’ Seungwan trails away, remembering the older girl’s brilliant smile when they joked around in the classroom on the third floor. Sunyoung would stay behind to mark their assignments because the teachers’ room made her uncomfortable.

‘What did she say?’ Joohyun prompts gingerly when the singer takes too long to resume.

‘She would always say that being true to myself was enough,’ she eventually replies quietly. ‘One afternoon I kissed her, out of the blue. She pushed me away immediately; she was surprised by my behaviour, she said. She hadn’t wanted to lead me on. I ran away in shame, I couldn’t sleep that night. I didn’t cry, though. I never cry.’

‘I made you cry.’ With a pained smile, Joohyun reminds Seungwan of the incident at Minseok’s party. Seungwan heaves a short, airy laugh of disbelief.

‘That you did… When I thought I couldn’t possibly feel any more overwhelmed.’ She sends Joohyun a small smile. ‘But that’s already water under the bridge,’ She assures.

‘So you transferred because you didn’t want to be close to that girl anymore?’ This time, the chuckle that Seungwan lets out is a self-depreciative one.

‘I transferred because a couple of days later, somebody started a rumour that Sunyoung was a lesbian and spreading her deprivation among her young students – and that I was her latest victim. I’ll never know if somebody saw me forcing myself on her and jumped to conclusions… I guess that’s the punishment I’ll have to live with. Always feeling guilty about what could have been.’ Seungwan takes a deep breath, her voice slightly shaking. ‘They told her that if she resigns, she can still get good references so she took the deal. They had no proof, but they didn’t want any problems with the parents… My own mother came the same day and withdraw me from the academy.

‘The funniest part is that when I saw Sunyoung leaving the school grounds, for the first time in my life I knew exactly what to do. I mean, of course I felt overwhelmed, I thought it was all my fault… But at the same time, I finally began feeling like my own person. Like she said that I eventually would if I only believed in myself enough. I marched straight to my mother, she was standing in front of the main building, still in the middle of the conversation with the head mistress - I remember like it was yesterday. I’m gay, mum, I said loudly and both of them looked at me alarmed. I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay, I just kept chanting and she literally didn’t know how to react. When I wouldn’t stop, she slapped me.’

Slightly out of breath on the account of the rapid monologue, Seungwan begins laughing like it were the most amusing joke she has ever said, not one of the most traumatic experiences of her life. Joohyun, on the other hand, looks horrified enough for the both of them. Her hand finds Seungwan’s, squeezing it in worry. She does not even know why the girl’s confession, delivered so lightly at that, suddenly affected her so. Three weeks ago, she would have probably reacted similarly to Seungwan’s mother, but right now, all she can think about is how much of a shock it must have been for a fourteen year old.

She suddenly remembers Sehun’s facial expression upon coming back from the Christian camp that summer. His eyes were so vacant, so-

‘Numb,’ she mumbles, feeling her knees weaken. Seungwan nods, taking the word as commentary to her own situation.

‘I felt numb, yeah. That was the only time my mother has ever acknowledged my uality, in any way. I know, it made no sense for me to feel so good. I should’ve totally lost it. And instead, I was just ready to face the world head on. After three weeks at home in London, my mother dropped me off at St. Pancras with two pieces of luggage and a one-way ticket to Nottingham. And here I am,’ she shrugs innocently as if she has been talking about the weather outside all this time.

‘I’m sorry,’ Joohyun says immediately, voice threatening to break.

‘It’s not your fault-’

‘When I flinched away from you… I’m so sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever stop regretting it.’ Seungwan smiles dismissively.

‘Believe me, it’s not worth spilling blood over. It hurt, it did. But it’s not something that cannot be fixed.’

‘Even if it heals, it doesn’t mean it won’t leave scars,’ Joohyun replies, resigned, and Seungwan merely hums in reply. She will not disagree with that.

‘I’ve never seen you depressed, the whole time you’ve been with us. You always look so…’ she trails away, unsure what to say in order not to offend the other.

‘Beautiful? Amazing?’ She jokes, but Joohyun’s expression is hesitant when she quietly supplies,

‘Normal.’

‘Yeah, well. I don’t like that word. Depression. It makes me feel pathetic and useless, and that’s not me anymore. But if you put it that way, I’m always depressed. They say it’s treatable but personally, I don’t know if it’s something that I can ever recover from. What I do know is that for the past two years and a half never once have I let it win over me, and I think it’s pretty darn amazing.’

Joohyun nods vigorously in agreement, unable to utter a word for a while. It is not a very uplifting story, but Seungwan is still surprised by how shaken the older girl looks. She can only suppose that the other’s anguish runs beyond Seungwan’s own pain.

‘Have you seen her since?’ The temporary silence is once again interrupted.

‘No, she told me we shouldn’t and I understand. I know she lives in Bristol now, but I tried not to fuel my own curiosity too much. I didn’t want to give her any more trouble than she already had. I sent her one last message before I deleted her number. I wrote, I think I can finally breathe. Two days later, I got a reply from an unknown number. It said, I’m proud.’

Later that night, Joohyun has a strange dream. In the dream, Junmyeon keeps knocking on her door, but every time she stands up from her desk to open, there is nobody behind it. It is her twin, though, the girl does not know how she knows it, but she does. After a few times, she refuses to pay attention to his knocking anymore and focuses her effort on the French textbook in front of her. Her reading tells a story of a girl who pushed her brother off the cliff because she thought that he had stolen the last piece of bread in the house when it was in fact the mice that had eaten it. In that moment, the knocking on her door resumes again but this time, it is Sehun. He is seven and crying. It reminds Joohyun of that time when as a nine year-old she hit a neighbourhood bully because she stole Sehun’s lunch. Her mother made her kneel in church for an hour as penance and she had to miss dinner, but it was not all that bad because her younger brother sneaked in and brought her his share of apple pie instead.

Joohyun abruptly wakes up to sound of Seulgi shuffling around the room. For the first time in her life, Joohyun Bae seems to have overslept.

Joohyun naturally misses breakfast on the account of her tiredness; she actually barely makes it to her first hour of Algebra. She runs out of her dormitory, her worn out but still sturdy brown bag hanging off her left shoulder as she attempts to evenly tie the tie of her uniform. She dislikes bags and normally deposits everything she needs for the day in her locker in the morning – today, though, it is understandably impossible.

At the tiny junction where the paths to two dormitories meet and the crowd walking towards school buildings doubles in number, she notices Sehun and Yixing walking hand in hand. Her brother actually smiles when she catches up with them, his boyfriend only nods sleepily – in all the years she has known her peer, he was never a morning person. Joohyun has overheard Chanyeol Park mention in passing that since Yixing became the sole occupant of the room on the seventh floor, Sehun has hardly slept in his own and so she clears , trying to will away the sudden embarrassment overcoming her.

‘Are you all right? You seem positively knackered,’ Sehun observes, frowning.

‘Something like that,’ she admits quietly, but on the inside, she is screaming. She is, indeed, mentally - and possibly physically, too – exhausted despite the solid eight or so hours of rest. Seungwan’s confession came not as much a shock as just additional burden hanging heavily on Joohyun’s own conscience; it did not keep her awake at night. However, whatever happens in her unconsciousness is sadly not for Joohyun to control.

Sehun offers to hold her bag and she thanks him, handing it over carefully. Both hands now completely free, she resumes the fight with her tie. They eventually reach the school building.

‘I will go ahead and change my dressings in the infirmary first,’ Yixing announces quietly, looking at his wrist watch. They all stop by the main door.

‘Are you still in pain?’ Joohyun enquires seriously, her gaze immediately turning soft. This is not the first, and definitely not last time she will consider the past accident her fault. The boy merely shrugs.

‘Not that much, but I still need those.’ He puts his left palm over his ribcage for emphasis. ‘It’s a miracle he didn’t just break all of them.’

‘Have you talked to Junmyeon since…’ Joohyun trails away, unsure what to address the Monday confrontation as. Yixing shrugs again.

‘Nah. No clue what he wanted, either,’ he admits. ‘But the school have not stopped asking me about my attackers and now that my parents are involved, I’m having a hard time keeping them away from Junmyeon.’

‘Well, maybe you shouldn’t, then.’ It is Sehun who finally speaks up and so unlike his neutral demeanour, he sounds almost angry. By the way the other sighs in exasperation, Joohyun quickly concludes that this conversation has happened between them at least once already.

‘If you really want to go against my wishes, I can’t do anything about it. But don’t make me tell on him, because I’ve no intention to. He’s been my best friend for the past ten years,’ the brunette adds, his voice lowering to a hopeless hiss. He lets go of Sehun’s hand in favour of adopting a more defensive stance, arms crossed on his chest.

‘He was not your friend when he bloody socked you in the eye so hard I thought you got a concussion,’ his boyfriend purses his lips, visibly upset at both the loss of contact and Yixing’s words.

Joohyun does not want to meddle any further that she already has, but her younger brother’s distress aside, she cannot help but agree with him. God only knows what kind of hell would break lose if Junmyeon’s actions were to be revealed, and as a person who up until recently has considered her twin a blood brother, the girl is not entirely surprised that Yixing Zhang would rather suffer in silence than condemn him for what he has done.

‘We’ve all agreed that day that it was your call, but Yixing, do not forget that this might as well be just the beginning. This might happen again. Junmyeon is- Junmyeon does not consider this done, by any means. Not when the two of you ended up living happily ever after right under his nose.’ Joohyun does not mean for her words to sound amusing, so she is taken aback by the laughter that follows. But Yixing Zhang is not actually really laughing, despite the loudness with which it is delivered; in fact, his voice comes across as as humourless as it can possibly get. His cackling is more an expression of his disbelief and maybe a bit of pity for the girl’s naivety. It takes a moment before he calms down, and when he does, he says,

‘Look around you, Joohyun. We are in a ing sixth form unofficially run by a bunch of homophobes that happen to be affiliated with a powerful, religious organisation – which both of us belonged to until literally five seconds ago, may I remind you. People whom I’ve known all my life suddenly stopped talking to me. My best friend conked me so hard that he nearly sent me to an early grave and my own boyfriend is still mildly afraid of holding my hand in public,’ Sehun averts his eyes at the comment. There is nothing that he can say to refute the truth. ‘Now, which part of this exactly sounds ing knees up?’

The question is purely rhetorical, of course. Joohyun takes a breath, but no words come. They can’t.

‘So why don’t you tell on Junmyeon?’ She asks again, frustrated. After all that she has witnessed, heard and especially done herself, she feels stronger than ever about her twin’s unapologetic behaviour. But all fight leaves Yixing and shaking his head, he only says,

‘He’s like a brother.’

Joohyun and Sehun look at each other hopelessly, because here they are, Junmyeon’s own blood, urging the other boy to betray him.

‘Well, then. Just be careful.’ Yixing nods and making a quick eye contact with Sehun, leaves without any further ado. The girl turns to her younger brother.

‘Sehun,’ when she has his attention, she continues. ‘I know this might sound strange to you but… can I give you a hug?’

The boy blinks, momentarily stunned at the unexpected request.

‘Huh?’

‘Can I just hug you once, please?’ She repeats patiently, to which the younger lets out a short chuckle of disbelief.

‘But like, right now?’

‘Yes, right now.’ She confirms seriously, leaving his speechless. Sehun looks around briefly, seeing the crowd around them pushing through to make it to class on time. They are both standing on the side, trying to avoid getting in the way as much as they can. He finally shrugs.

‘Ah, what the heck, why not,’ he says, enveloping his older sister in a warm embrace. Perhaps Joohyun initiates the contact more for her own sake than his, but it nonetheless feels nice. Neither remembers the last time they physically expressed their support for one another in a similar way.

‘Oh, hey. Seungwan is here,’ he murmurs, disentangling from Joohyun’s arms after what feels like hours, when in fact barely ten seconds passed. He points up. ‘Are you guys, like, best friends now?’ Joohyun turns around, spotting Seungwan Son waving at her enthusiastically with both hands from the window on the first floor. Biology classroom, is it?

‘I wouldn’t call us best friends…’ But she still chuckles, mood considerably lifted and waves back with a small smile. Her reaction spurs further excitement from the other. Was there really a time when just the sight of Seungwan made Joohyun sour? How the tables have turned.

‘Lady friends, then?’ Sehun teases, repeating the expression that Joy Park has been so industriously distributing behind the two girls’ backs. Joohyun looks at her brother, scandalised.

‘You can’t be repeating things like that. I’m not… You know...’

‘You’re not what?’ He is openly amused now, and his sister is both embarrassed and strangely happy that they can still laugh together, even at her expense.

‘Ah, never mind.’ He is still teasing her when they part ways, directing themselves to their respective classrooms.

Seungwan and Joohyun meet on the staircase inside the building, the younger all smiles and proud, with her I haven’t seen you at breakfast and You never miss breakfast, and then Look what I got you! It’s a sandwich that some ten minutes ago must have still looked quite good, but having been waved around carelessly by Seungwan in the air for half that time, it has gone totally soggy. Joohyun still receives it gratefully, promising to have a bite before the bell rings.

Seungwan Son is a peculiar creature; that much Joohyun has always known and that much is till clear. She is obnoxious, nosy and loud; she can also be very crass. But she is also loyal and caring, and inexplicably charming. Joohyun lets the younger take her by the arm and lead the way; she also laughs at a ridiculous joke the other cracks.

As they split on the second floor, Seungwan in haste to return to her own class, Joohyun casts one last look over her shoulder behind the disappearing figure and she cannot help but smile. Something tells her that the real story between them has only just begun.

Dear Lord,

An eye for an eye, isn’t that what you once said?

A/N: Hey, everyone. Here is an update in honour of Seungwan's majestic Perfect Velvet teaser photos, I literally melted, not sure about you. The Velvet side has always been my preferred concept for RV and all those song samples sound like a dream come true.

In other news, thank you so much to those who continue commenting and if you like the story, please upvote as well. I realise that this story is slow burn, which is probably why the number of readers constantly fluctuates, but to me, the build up of the whole universe is half the charm and I'm really grateful to those who also support it. I really try my best to give justice to everything that my characters go through, especially those events that I have no first hand experience at myself. Your comments often guide me as to how you feel about my approach and give me ideas on how to change it to make it more realistic.

So again, thank you.