181202

Dear Lord,

I don’t know what I want. I suppose it would be infinitely easier if London didn’t accept me but if they do… Tell me what I’m supposed to be doing. Will I stray away even further if I choose not to study theology? It’s not because I’m no longer a believer – on the contrary. Recent events slowly make me realise that people no longer want to listen. Not to You, not even to each other. There needs to be another way of helping them, if not directly through Your Word. More than anything, I just want to be useful, I want to live knowing that I’m doing something that You can be proud of. When I was in the Union… Only You know how hard it was at times, how difficult to make others realise that it was not blindness of mind but genuine concern that drove me despite frequent rejections.

Perhaps assuming another, also important role could help me get through to people. Would others listen to me and feel my honest intentions if I decided on a different path..?

‘I mean, it’s not like it’s the end of the world. You can’t possibly not get into any uni- Bae, you stunting? What’s wrong with her?’ Chanyeol Park finally elbows Seungwan Son sitting next to him when he gets no response from the older girl sitting across from him at the lunch table.

‘Can’t you see she’s praying?’ Seungwan elbows back rather harshly, mildly annoyed that the violent movement made a piece of her popcorn chicken roll away across the table.

‘She’s still doing that?’

‘What do you mean, still? She prays every morning and every night without fail. How is that news to you?’ Seungwan replies in a hushed tone, sending her friend a confused look.

‘Where have you been for the last four months..?’ Chanyeol deadpans, referring to pretty much everything that has happened to Joohyun Bae.

‘Nothing’s changed, Chanyeol Park. If you really believe, it’s not easy to walk away,’ Joohyun notes, not even remotely phased by his words. Not anymore. She opens her eyes. ‘Ah, Yixing. You’re here.’ The rest turns in the direction of the main door where they see the newcomer.

‘Yeah, sorry. Got held up in Spanish,’ the boy apologises, sitting down promptly and taking out the laptop from his bag. He looks tired.

‘Where’s Sehun?’ Chanyeol asks, looking around. It is not unusual to see the two together – these days more than ever.

Yixing shrugs lightly, looking apologetic.

‘I really don’t know.’ He seems to want to say more but ultimately closes his mouth. He looks back at his class mate. ‘Let’s just do it. I’m not really expecting anything anyway.’

‘I’m sure it will be fine,’ Joohyun dismisses his concerns, before logging into the website from her own computer.

‘Is this what it’s gonna be like for us next year?’ Chanyeol wonders out loud and Tao Huang looks at him doubtfully.

‘Depends. Have you figured out where you wanna apply yet?’

‘Well… no…’

‘So maybe you’ll just be watching us do it.’ Tao grins in amusement which prompts Chanyeol’s scowl.

‘I still have some time!’ He retaliates, picking up the first thing that he can find – which is Seungwan’s popcorn chicken– and throws a piece at the other.

‘Hey!’ Now seriously annoyed, the girl puts the box further away.   

‘So..?’ Amidst the quickly brewing chaos, Joohyun looks at Yixing hopefully. He hums.

‘Didn’t get into Oxford, no surprise there. Not like I really wanted to go there.’ They all know Oxford was Sehun’s original plan. ‘Got into the one at home, conditional offer. A no from St. Andrews and a conditional from Nottingham Trent. ,’ he scrolls down, eyes lighting up. ‘A conditional from LSE. Oh, Christ, what bloody luck. Who’s gonna pay for it, though,’ he already muses out loud, reaching for his phone. He wants to call his dad but refrains at the last moment. He turns to Joohyun. ‘What about yours..?’

She smiles at him tightly.

‘I got into all of them,’ she says, nodding once. He grins.

‘Not that I expected anything else. Congrats, still,’ he chuckles and leaves the table for more privacy.

‘Thanks,’ she murmurs before she gets the scare of her life with both Seungwan and Chanyeol invading her personal space and trying to take a better look at the screen.

‘Congratulations!’ Seungwan nearly yells, not really caring about the etiquette or pretence as she nearly squishes the older girl in an iron hug.

‘You’re gonna study law?’ Chanyeol pushes his glasses further up his nose. He has been getting teased about them a lot recently, but he has no choice but to endure since he has lost his monthly supply of contact lenses and is too much of a coward to admit it to his parents. When he called his older sister for help, she laughed and hanged up on him.

Joohyun tenses. She wishes that she had the answer to that question.

‘I haven’t decided yet,’ she admits timidly.

‘Pick that. All your other choices will bore you out of your mind,’ Chanyeol advises and moves away, grabbing his bag. ‘I’m gonna go find- I mean, I’m gonna go now. Bye.’

Seungwan snickers. She then turns to Joohyun when she feels the other’s hand on her shoulder.

‘Wanna go for a walk?’ She asks and Seungwan easily agrees – she has more than an hour until her next class.

They bid Tao a see you later, leaving him to finish his casserole in peace and exit the small campus, walking straight into the tiny park they have behind it. Joohyun takes the opportunity to sit down at the nearest located bench – it’s early February but somehow, it feels like spring already. The sun is up and the wind is not too harsh.

‘You don’t know what to do,’ Seungwan guesses immediately, when she takes the place next to her girlfriend. When their fingers intertwine, she puts both palms into her left pocket for warmth.  

Joohyun sighs.

‘I wonder if Junmyeon got into the programme he wanted,’ she says instead, her voice tiny. Their parents will be furious when they realise that she has already spent part of the money that was supposed to be their son’s.

‘I’m sure he did,’ the younger reassures, refraining from any further comment. She does not want to think of the other twin.

‘I don’t think I want to do theology anymore. I-I don’t think I’ve ever truly wanted it,’ Joohyun finally admits out loud, her tone now just about the whisper. She looks calm but it takes a lot of courage to speak of the topic that has been plaguing her mind for the past few months. Long months of consideration and reconsideration. Of indecision and fear of unknown. ‘But it’s the only thing I know for sure I’ll be good at.’

‘Now, that is just silly. You can absolutely do anything that you put your mind to.’

‘My parents… My parents will never speak to me again,’ there is sniffing from the side as Joohyun makes herself even smaller and hides her face in Seungwan’s shoulder. The other does no dare move, not even look, too afraid to break the spell. It is so rare that Joohyun allows herself to open up to anyone. ‘They have it all figured out for me. Three years at Darby, probably a teaching position at one of the local schools. Probably marriage after that with any suitable son from a good Korean family. Maybe that boy… What was his name? Junmyeon’s friend-

‘Hey, easy. Joohyun,’ Seungwan calls out her name, bringing her back to her senses. What started as a short walk is now turning into a mild breakdown. ‘None of this is going to happen to you, unless that’s what you want.’

‘You don’t know,’ Joohyun swallows thickly, taking a deep breath. She shakes her head. ‘You don’t know what it’s like. It’s so hard to be your own person when you’re back there. At Christmas… When my father slapped Sehun, that’s when it’s finally dawned on me. That it’s so deep in me, I might spend the rest of my life like this. Like… my new mind set, all my effort to be a more open minded person. It doesn’t matter when I’m back there. To my parents, I’m just a little girl that they need to push in the right direction and I let them push me. The moment I’m back on that path, there will be no return.’

‘That’s not true,’ Seungwan insists but Joohyun only shakes her head.

‘But it is… You know, I hesitated. For just a second but I did. I almost didn’t help my brother that time, I stood there petrified, afraid of what my father would think of me if I did.’

‘It doesn’t matter. You did in the end, didn’t you,’ Seungwan turns to her now, gathering her face in her hands. ‘Look, I lied, alright? I don’t hate my mother. I mean, I do but…’ She sighs, frustrated. ‘But there is a part of me that might always be foolishly waiting for even one accepting word from her. So don’t feel bad for wanting to please your father, because isn’t that the case with all children?’

When she gets no reply, Joohyun’s eyes down and lips trembling, Seungwan adds,

‘It might always be a gaping hole in your heart, I don’t know. I mean, no, it probably will be. Life is not only black or white, it’s not that easy. Both choices will probably hurt but looking at you, at Sehun, even at Junmyeon… I honestly think that it will eventually become unbearable for you, being back home and pretending that you’re still the same person. You’re not the same person, Joohyun. Or are you?’

‘No, I’m not,’ Joohyun admits out loud, startling even herself at the confession. ‘I’m not.’

‘You’ve always been strong and I know you can overcome this as well. Whatever pain your choice will cause you, I know you will find a way to fill it with more purpose, more ambitions, more joy. That’s one of the things I love about you, I- It’s probably not a good time to say it but… But I’m in love with you.’ When Joohyun stares blankly, Seungwan chuckles nervously. ‘You probably already know, it’s so obvious. I’m in love with you. I believe in you. If you want to go to a different school, I’m sure you’ll make it work for yourself, you know. You have some money saved, you can find a job. London’s not even that far away. I’m here and Sehun’s here, even stupid Chanyeol Park is he-‘

Her blabbering is interrupted by the kiss planed straight on her lips. Joohyun’s kisses don’t linger – they are usually filled with energy and sense of urgency but this one is different. This one tastes like gratefulness and hopefulness, and a promise.

Seungwan does not realise how cold they have both become until her palms are back on the other’s cheeks and they feel icy to the touch.

‘We should head back,’ she reasons, knowing that the lunch break should soon be over. Her laboured breath is but a puff of white steam under the low temperature.

‘You make it all so easy, Seungwan,’ Joohyun only says, giving her one more peck, and then another, and another. The younger does not complain. ‘You make me feel like I can do anything, and I have never felt this way before. Not like this.’

‘I think you can,’ Seungwan repeats. She takes a deep breath. ‘Even before… Even when we didn’t really know each other… I’ve always admired you. I’ve liked you, yes, you were- you are so pretty, but I admired you, too.  I think that’s why I could never shake it off, even when I felt disappointed in you. Because I believed that if you could pour so much of your effort and dedication into something, it meant that there was still hope you could pour it into something else. Like me, like our friendship. Or our relat-‘

‘You d me in the girls’ locker room on your first day of school,’ Joohyun deadpans out of the blue and Seungwan has the decency to blush.

‘I thought I was getting signals from you! You were is touchy and smiley, dude, I thought you wanted to get it on with me.’ Against all odds, Joohyun actually laughs, her eyes cutely creasing. ‘How could I have known you were from The Purity Club- I mean, from The Union-‘ She stutters.

‘Ah, I haven’t heard that name in a while.’ She looks away for a moment before continuing. ‘To think I had all of those grand plans just last September, I was going to organise the Christmas ball too… I guess Mary Pattinson took over the reins but had no idea how to go about any activities, not that I’m surprised. She’s always been completely disorganised.’

‘Do you regret it..?’

‘Not being part of The Union anymore?’ Seungwan nods.

‘A little,’ Joohyun admits. ‘But I think… Even if I had stayed, I’d have been all alone by now. I sometimes lie at night, wondering when exactly it all started changing for me, whether I could have prevented certain events from occurring but I don’t know.’

‘None of this is your fault,’ Seungwan prompts, once again squeezing the other’s hand.

‘Not really fault, more like… Oversight?’

‘You can’t take responsibility for other people’s lives. For one, how could you have predicted that Seulgi would become pregnant?’

‘I could have listened to her more attentively,’ Joohyun replies ruefully, casting her eyes down. Seungwan has nothing to say to that. Not all regrets can be and are meant to be remedied.

‘You did stand up for Sehun, that’s what’s important. Junmyeon, you can’t help him anymore. But you can Sehun.’ She pulls her up and Joohyun follows. They still hold hands until they reach the main crossroad, where they reluctantly part.

‘I don’t know why I did what I did, maybe I’ll never know. But when I saw Junmyeon that day… When I saw him hit Sehun like that, all I knew is that I couldn’t take that deja-vu. I don’t think I would have been able to live with myself if I had let him down again. It’s like something snapped in me.’

‘There you have your answer, and your motivation,’ Seungwan sends her a small smile, turning to the road but Joohyun’s hand stops her.

‘I can’t tell what it is that I feel, Seungwan, not yet. But I like you so much, I think it might be love. And I don’t want to deceive you – I’m doing my best not to – so I can’t say it now. I won’t say it now. But when I’m certain, you will know. I’ve failed you before but whatever happens, from now on I’ll be fair to you no matter what.’

This time it is Seungwan who closes the gap between them. The kiss is salty.

Joohyun’s message is left unanswered until later that evening, when her cell phone beeps.

Seulgi and I have been accepted into Darby.

Can I talk to her? Joohyun types back immediately, dropping the assignment she has been working on and focusing on the device.

She doesn’t think her parents would want her to talk to you, comes the reply. It is not surprising but still disappointing. Joohyun has not heard one word from her friend since she was nearly forcefully taken away from school.

Please, wish her all the best. Buy her some tangerines, she’d like that.

I know.

She has been pondering how to break the news to Junmyeon, how to let him know that she had no choice but to use a portion of their tuition money for Sehun’s sake. Even though she suspects it would be a better thing to do to just send her twin his share directly and then figure out how to take care of her own expenses when the time is due, she also feels like the three of them are equally entitled to the little legacy left behind by their relative. Call her greedy, but she does not want to sacrifice herself again, and certainly not like that.

Junmyeon, I have to tell you something, she types. It’s about next year.

 Suddenly she is thankful that her brother refuses any further phone calls from her. Communicating like this is somehow less burdensome.

But she is half way through her explanation, carefully typing out every word to not give the wrong impression or create further misunderstanding between them when the phone suddenly does ring, startling her to the point of slipping from her hands onto the Biology textbook in front of her.

‘It’s about the money, isn’t it,’ Junmyeon states calmly when his sister picks up the call. Joohyun should be surprised by the words, but she isn’t. Even when they are apart, they know each other like the back of their hands. They think alike – there is no way that they would not.

‘I’m sorry,’ she only says. ‘I’ll make sure to divide the rest as fairly as I can. I didn’t know what else to do.’ 

‘I knew that you’d do it, the moment I told you about the unpaid tuition. I think you should keep it. Both of you,’ he adds reluctantly.

Joohyun sighs.

‘It belongs to all three of us.’

‘I will get a scholarship, father is taking care of it,’ Junmyeon confesses. ‘So just keep it. I won’t need it anymore. Do as you please with it.’

‘Are you sure?’ He hums quietly in confirmation.

There is a moment of silence between them and Joohyun expects to be abandoned without as much as a good bye again, but then her brother speaks again.

‘That’s the last thing I can do for him. The last two months… I’ve had a lot of time to think. I’m not exactly proud of the way I handled that situation but if you expect an apology, you won’t get one. I don’t regret what I said, I still feel the same.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I don’t hate Sehun, I just hate that he’s sinning. And I think you are too, by encouraging his abnormal behaviour.’

Joohyun’s hand involuntarily tightens around the receiver. It suddenly hits too close to home. What would you say if you knew about my situation? She wants to ask, even hypothetically, but she also does not want to test his patience – not today. Not when the day has been so good, full of stealing glances and secret hand holding, playing footsie under the library table and the kisses in the nearby park.

She does not want Junmyeon to take it away from her, like she is sure that he will, twisting everything that is pure emotion into disgraceful ersion.

‘I think you were right,’ she says instead. ‘I think you and I cannot see eye to eye now, maybe not ever. I cannot change my mind, either. Everything that we did to Sehun in the past, we did it together. I’m not going to deny it, but I’m also never going to stop regretting it. I’m sorry, Junmyeon, but if it means that he continues to smile as often as he has recently, I’m going to follow him into whatever it is. I still love you and miss you, but I have changed. I cannot go back to the way things were between us.’

‘I see,’ he replies only, waiting very still on the other end of the line.

‘I may be asking for a lot, but please respond to my texts every once in a while, even just to let me know that you and Seulgi are alright. You’re still important to me. Very important,’ she adds in a quiet voice.

‘I will,’ he agrees after a moment, saying his goodbyes and disconnecting.

Joohyun does not feel as shaken as she did before, even though this time it sounds more like a closure.

It happens the same cliché way that it usually does in a closed environment full of bored teens with nothing better to do but sharp their tongues over every bit of even remotely juicy gossip that they overhear.

 It is not that the whispering has ever stopped – in fact, it is only Joohyun that has become better at tuning it out and without any reaction from her, calling her names did not seem as entertaining as it was before. But this morning, she can physically feel the stares of students passing her by, especially those that she used to attend church with. She walks bravely, books heavy on her hands and nobody to help her with the weight. She ignores them the best she can and puts away everything she does not need into the locker, before going to the second floor to find Seungwan. It has become a habit, to stand by the younger girl’s locker before class and chat for a while, sometimes with other company but mostly just the two of them, laughing over something that Seungwan saw online. They will usually walk to school together, but today Seungwan left earlier to meet Chanyeol Park for whatever reason.

Joohyun does not feel like prying into their business, surely related to music or Baekhyun Byun. Or worse, her.

But when she arrives at the familiar spot, the atmosphere does not seem cosy in the least, despite the two friends standing side by side. Seungwan’s back is turned to the corridor, still busying herself with the contents of the locker but Joohyun can tell that she is only pretending, the way her hands uselessly shuffle the possessions from one side to another. Chanyeol Park’s stance is more direct, his expression one of mild anger and his palms fisted.

Sinner. Dyke.

Joohyun takes a deep breath, rapidly blinking to stop her mind from reeling.

‘Is something wrong?’ She asks, trying to sound as casual about it as possible. Seungwan visibly swallows before sending her a semblance of a smile.

‘Nothing in particular,’ she responds but the cheerfulness does not really reach her eyes.

‘Chanyeol?’ Joohyun knows that there is at least one person in their group that will not coddle her. She is right.

‘There’s a rumour going around the school that somebody saw you snogging in the park behind the dorm yesterday. I mean, no big deal I guess.’ He shrugs. ‘It might be tough for a while though, but people always talk since their own lives are so uninteresting,’ he raises his already booming voice at the last part, scaring a couple of middle schoolers passing by and peeking at them curiously.

‘It’s alright, we can just, I don’t know, stop hanging out publically for a while or something. Just to not instigate it any further.’ Seungwan joins the conversation and Joohyun looks at her. She can tell that despite the comment, she does not feel happy about the possibility, yet is still willing to accept it.

For Joohyun’s sake.

‘I don’t want to,’ escapes Joohyun’s mouth before she thinks better of it. So far following her instincts has led her here, so what more is there to be scared of?

Everything.

Nothing.

‘You don’t want what?’ Seungwan looks at her confused, clenching her notes to her middle. She looks resigned and Joohyun does not like her like that. She does not like that fact that she has to be the reason why the other girl is sad and frustrated.

‘I’ll take you to your classroom. Third floor, isn’t it?’ Joohyun takes a deep breath and extends her hand in her direction.

Seungwan’s eyes widen.

N/A: Hope you're all enjoying the comeback and do spare a comment and / or an upvote if you liked the chapter. Thank you for reading!