170509

Erm…hi? Up there?

So I haven’t really been a believer until now, seeing how Sehun prays and prays and prays and you just do nothing to keep him away from that loony bin that is his family, but I’m willing to overlook this gross negligence and forgive you. Hell, you’ve more than made up for the past today.

I must admit that my eyes feel assaulted, but rest assured that I will use what I saw today for good and good only. Well, the good of me and my friends, of course. I can just imagine what Seungwan says once I’ve told her. Though her and I aren’t talking recently, which saddens me a little.

Well, ok, it bloody drives me bonkers. I’m not used to not having her stick her potato nose into my business on a daily basis. Do I miss her? Missing her is a foreign concept for me. Ever since we met, we haven’t gone longer than a week without seeing each other, and even then we were usually texting. It’s moments like these when I get reminded that she’s actually a girl, not a dude.

I think I liked her better when she was a dude.

Dear God,…

Dear God, I want to ask for something horrible. I know I shouldn’t.

Dear God, I-I…

Sehun’s hands shake as he attempts to squeeze a little bit of toothpaste of out the tube. He looks back into the mirror, feeling his self confidence drain by the minute. He hasn’t been sleeping well and those random prayers – or more like mental conversations with himself – tend to keep him sane.

He wakes up earlier than usual, and for him that’s something, because these days his mornings start at an ungodly hour anyway. Chanyeol is, of course, still sound asleep, so Sehun just grabs his toiletries and exits the room, heading for the shared bathrooms on the corridor. He knows he will be able to take a shower in peace because recently, Yixing has stopped cornering him at every opportunity and part of Sehun is relieved – but the other part is beyond upset. He can’t figure himself out.

His parents are due to arrive sometime after 9 o’clock, their home town situated just an hour away from Nottingham. Joohyun and Junmyeon are probably already in the auditorium hall, making sure that everything goes smoothly. Perhaps Yixing is with them, but Sehun doesn’t care about any of that. He cannot, when he has already become so disillusioned with the teachings that he is still forced to practice. Just a few more months, this is what he has been telling himself since the day his father raised his hand at him for the first time. He doesn’t really want revenge – he just wants to get away and live his life the way he pleases. Except that now it feels like it’s all been in vain.

When Sehun goes back to his room, his friend is already awake, leisurely scrolling through Facebook feed on his phone.

‘You hanging in there, mate?’ Chanyeol actually puts the device away for once, looking at him concerned.

Sehun cannot guess how much his taller friend actually knows, but he definitely suspects something - they spend too much time together, and Chanyeol, in all his nonchalance, is a good observer. Tao could also probably read Sehun like an open book, but the other boy lacks the insight necessary for that. He does pay attention – he is just not aware of what it is that he should pay more attention to.

Sehun shrugs.

‘I guess?’ When Chanyeol says nothing, he adds. ‘You coming today?’

‘Nope.’ Chanyeol makes a popping sound, slumping back down onto the comfy surface. ‘They won’t catch me dead in there.’

‘But you still want Seungwan’s brownies,’ Sehun deadpans.

‘But I still want Seungwan’s brownies,’ Chanyeol confirms readily, not even batting an eyelid. His friend scoffs. Some things never change.

Sehun has the bad luck of running into his parents as they leave their car. They’ve had the same navy blue Ford Focus for the past 5 years, he’d recognise it everywhere, but it’s already too late to change route – they’ve spotted him. He should learn to take the roundabout way paved with bricks like the school wants them to, not run straight through the lawn and into the parking lot, dirtying his white trainers in the process.

Which, judging from his mother’s disapproving glance, she has already noticed. His father lets his mother go first, and takes Sehun on a side to have the talk. The talk is when pastor Bae knows he has to behave in public and lets his youngest offspring know that he should count himself lucky for being let off easily. It still messes up Sehun’s head badly every time, though. He has long stopped resisting. He lets the words wash over him, making him feel even worse than he already does.

Don’t bring shame to the family name, is the chorus of each and every one of those speeches but the holy definition of shame seems to be vague and easily adjusted to their family’s needs, as far as pastor Bae is concerned. If Sehun is lucky, his father’s lecturing will finish at that. If he were to go home with his parents, however, the elder’s behaviour would take a more drastic turn, as it usually does.

When they finally reach the auditorium, there’s already a large crowd hanging around the stalls and Sehun really just wants to get it over with. He knows the drill – he needs to spend time standing next to his mother in case they run into their acquaintances, so that the said acquaintances think that the Baes’ youngest offspring is perfectly normal. Then he can get some food, then he has to go pray and then he can disappear until it’s time for his parents to go home.

But since Sehun feels anything but stable these days, it does not take much to break the routine today. His hands clam and his eyes widen in disbelief as the feeling of anger nearly blinds him at the sight of Yixing Zhang and his own sister standing hand in hand, talking to Sehun’s mother like there is no worry in the world.

Sehun does not care about the punishment that he is bound to receive for his unfit attitude. All he knows is that he needs to leave, he needs to leave right now. So he does. He turns on his heel and nearly runs out of the room, runs seemingly in amok, though his steps predictably take him to his gang’s familiar spot behind the gym. There is that one place, right by the end of the lawn, where the wall of the building curves and creates a narrow alcove, effectively shielding from view whoever needs a temporary shelter.

It will not, however, help if the intruder knows exactly where to look for you. The sound of fast approaching steps mere moments later confirms the pursuer’s identity better than even his flushed face and messy curly hair. Knowing that he has nowhere else to go, Sehun turns his head away from the newcomer in one last attempt to display his displeasure at the company. Yixing’s droopy eyes have always had a strange superpower to talk the younger out of any resolution, even one that the latter firmly believed in.

‘This isn’t what is seems,’ Yixing eventually says, breaking the silence between them. Sehun scowls.

‘Can this get any more cliché?’ The younger laughs hollowly. ‘Get the bloody hell out of here before I actually punch you.’

‘Get out and then what? When will we finally have a chance to talk about this?’ Sehun abruptly turns to face the other, his expression one of disbelief at the pleading words.

‘About what? About how you betrayed me? About-‘

‘I never betrayed you,’ Yixing cuts in quietly. He’s anything if not patient, but he might as well not have said anything for Sehun remains deaf to his arguments.

‘-about how you go around flirting with my sister and I can’t do a darn thing about it? I already told you that we’re over. Over means over. I’m so tired of repeating myself again and again. I don’t want to see you, can you understand that?’

Yixing sighs, letting his head hang low, although his balled fists are enough proof of his hopeless rage bubbling inside him.

‘So this is how you want to end this, huh? A year and a half of living in hiding, of fighting for this relationship to work, only to end it over a stupid misunderstanding?’ Yixing’s face is scrunched in both hurt and confusion.

‘How is this a misunderstanding when I see you holding hands with my big sister?’ Sehun interrupts him bitterly.

‘You know darn well that it is!’ Yixing nearly hollers. He seems at his limit. ‘Don’t make this about the fact that I’m bi. Even if I ever had a thought of straying with a girl, which I didn’t, Joohyun would certainly be my last choice.’ The older takes a deep breath to calm himself down. ‘You wanted this, Sehun. You pursued me. I conceded willingly, but it was your decision. I would have never started anything with you if I wasn’t sure that you wanted it. And it was also you who asked me not to say anything to anyone.’ Yixing looks at the other boy, desperation in his eyes. ‘You’ve made us like this, Sehun. You’ve made us the dirty little secret that we are today, so how can you even pretend to be mad that I could not refuse Junmyeon when he asked me to Joohyun to this picnic?’ When Sehun says nothing to the accusation, the older continues. ‘Then what about you, huh? Do you think I like watching you spend every waking hour with Tao Huang laughing and enjoying yourselves?’

‘What..? Tao is a friend. He’s not even gay,’ Sehun pales, attention temporarily diverted.

‘For all I know, you could be snogging him in the shower room every night.’ Yixing knows he’s said too much when he sees hurt flash in the other’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I’m just so tired of you pushing me away all the time. I didn’t mean that.’

‘Then what do you mean?’ Sehun does not back off when Yixing takes one step closer, though he feels that he should.

‘I’ve noticed how anxious you became, even before last week and this whole thing with your sister. And I think I know why, but I just… I just don’t understand.’ When Sehun doesn’t speak up in his own defence, Yixing steps even closer, knowing that he’s hit the bull’s eye. ‘Are you really that scared of others knowing about us? But why?’

‘I just…’ Sehun’s voice fails him. ‘I’m…’

‘You know that I wouldn’t out us jest because it’s my eighteenth birthday - not if you aren’t ready. I just thought that having some kind of goal in sight would allow us both time to come to terms with it. How much time have we already wasted, Sehun?’

‘I just… It’s going to be hell if my father ever learns about us,’ Sehun eventually murmurs, speaking the truth for the first time in a long while. ‘I’m scared of what he might resort to.’

‘Sehun, he can’t do anything to me. And he cannot do anything to you, either. We’ve already discussed this so many times. It’s all in your head, you know that. Unless you are afraid of losing your family, then..,’ he sighs, unsure how to approach the issue, as it has no solution other than them parting ways. The older knows that Sehun’s family would never accept what they have.

‘No. That family is not healthy, I’ve no illusions about my parents and Junmyeon. But right now, I just have this uncontrollable fear that if I come out to them, they will do something really drastic. I’m just afraid of cutting them out of my life, you know? I feel so hopeless. I don’t know how to start over without anyone’s help after I’ve ditched what I have now,’ Sehun sends the other a small, sad smile. ‘It’s just one paralysing fear.’

‘Are you calling me nobody?’ Yixing, who has taken place next to Sehun, leaning against the gym wall in the same fashion, bumps shoulders with the younger boy in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

‘I cannot expect help from you,’ Sehun firmly rejects the idea.

‘I have money and I will give it to you. Something that I have also already told you just about a million times.’

‘It’s the money you’ve saved for uni. I will not take out of my selfishness what you’ve worked so hard for all this time.’

‘It’s just money, it can be earned again. I’ve told my parents about this and they’re cool.’

‘You’ve told your parents-,’ Sehun looks alarmed, but Yixing just ignores him, as he continues.

‘I can take a gap year and work while you finish school, and we’ll enter university together, Mr. Future Oxford Graduate,’ Yixing bumps their shoulders again and this time Sehun chuckles for real, lowering his gaze embarrassed.

‘I may have to change my plans after my gay affair blows up, though,’ Sehun bites his lip, unsure, but eventually starts chuckling again and Yixing joins him.

‘Nah. Those pompous elite institutions love misunderstood queer poets.’

‘In all seriousness though, I cannot take your money. That’s why I cannot let my parents know about you. Somebody has to pay my tuition in this school till graduation. Then I can go and find a job, and not look back,’ Sehun reasons, but he stops when Yixing steps in front of him, looking at him earnestly.

‘I will give you that tuition money – or lend it to you, if it makes you feel any better. All I care about is that you’re safe and happy. I don’t want you back in that violent house. Y-you scared me so much when you said that you didn’t want to see me anymore. I just…’

‘You just what..?’ Sehun prompts, albeit breathless at the intensity in the other’s gaze. ‘Do you really care about me that much?’ He’s not sure where he’s going with this, why he’s pushing Yixing so much when it’s him that should feel responsible for how things have turned out between them.

‘What do you mean, Sehun? I love you. I love you so much, how can you even ask..?’ Yixing stops himself before he says anything else, but those three words have already made their way between them and it’s never felt so final. Neither of them has ever uttered the words before, even though Sehun knew that Yixing would somehow end up being the first one to muster the courage.

Sehun is by no means good with words, but he doesn’t waste another moment and leans in decisively, closing the distance between their lips. As he reverses their position and pins his boyfriend against the wall, deepening the kiss – an action so familiar yet all the same exciting – different sensations wash over him. As they savour the moment, Sehun thinks of all the euphoric times they’ve shared, weighing them against all the ones that brought them nothing but grief, and he wonders how dumb of him it was to behave the way he did. It’s so obvious. Yixing loves him and he’s loved him more sincerely than anyone in Sehun’s entire-

A strong grip of the back of Sehun’s shirt abruptly pulls him backwards, making him stumble and nearly lose his footing. When he lifts his head again, all he can focus on is his older brother and the look of pure disbelief that he sports. Junmyeon stands there, mouth agape, as if the images before his eyes have not yet had the chance to be processed completely. He turns to Sehun, looking like he wants to say something but ultimately gives up.

But then his gaze hardens as it meets his best friend’s, still standing against the same wall like a deer caught in headlights.

‘You,’ Junmyeon spats in a low tone, which surprises Sehun, who wasn’t aware that his brother could show any real emotions, other than condescending kindness. ‘What did you do to my brother..? What were you doing to him..?’ He asks in a eerily calm voice, approaching his peer. Yixing, who is rendered speechless, does not seem to be willing to move away despite the situation.

‘Junmyeon, please, let me explain-‘ Just as his confidence recovers, so do Junmyeon’s fists. The first punch sends the other boy straight to the ground.

‘You ert, you- you degenerate! You..!’ He strikes again even before Yixing has a chance to get back on his feet. More violence ensues, despite Sehun’s hopeless attempts at stopping his brother.

‘Leave him alone! I started this. Junmyeon, I wanted this, I want him!’ His older brother stops trashing in his hold, going slack at the words. ‘I love him, ok?’ Sehun adds in a small voice at the grief-stricken silence – never in a million years has he imagined his confession to come out in such an inopportune moment. Junmyeon turns around to face his brother and Sehun already know what is going to follow, because there is fire in the older boy’s eyes, and one that Sehun has never seen before.

Junmyeon punches him square in the face.

‘You just wait till father hears about this. Looks like one Jesus Camp wasn’t enough to rid you out of this insanity, but don’t you worry. There is nothing that our Lord cannot cure if we pray hard enough.’

‘Leave him alone, Junmyeon.’ Yixing stands up, wiping his bleeding mouth with the cuff of his jacket’s sleeve. ‘Stop hurting him.’

‘You hurt me, Yixing!’ Junmyeon turns around again, screaming right in the other’s face. He delivers another punch and his friend takes it with no argument. ‘I thought we were friends! I’ve trusted you… I’ve bloody trusted you and you stab me in the back by seducing my younger brother?!’

‘He did not seduce me-,’ Sehun fails to get a hold of Junmyeon, as the other shakes him off immediately.

‘You scum!’ Once profanities start leaving Junmyeon’s mouth, there is no stopping him. ‘You dare approach me to get your filthy hands on my brother?!’ He delivers another kick and Yixing groans in pain, unable to move away.

‘My relationship with Sehun has nothing to do with you, Junmyeon,’ he manages to let out before the other boy reacts aggressively yet again.

‘You bloody bastard!’ Junmyeon continues screaming, taking out all his anger on the nearly unconscious body on the ground. Sehun is besides himself, unable to help in any way as he has always been on a weaker side. He nonetheless makes a grab for his older brother again, wishing to keep him away just long enough for the other to come to his senses. ‘Leave me alone!’ Junmyeon’s muffled voice demands. ‘ Leave me the alone. I’ll kill this ert with my own hands!’

Just when Sehun is ready to shout for help, Joohyun and Seungwan enter the scene. Seungwan is the first one to try and help Yixing, but her attempts are in vein.

‘Junmyeon! What on Earth..?!’ It seems that it takes his sister’s voice to finally shake the male twin out of his stupor.

‘This… this degenerate,’ he nearly spits the word, pointing at Yixing. ‘I trusted him! I trusted him..!’ He heaves, out of breath. ‘I trusted him,’ he repeats, before hiding his face in his palms. He now looks positively broken, and Joohyun cannot help but become astonished at his actions.

Seungwan is the first one to understand the situation and Sehun is thankful for that – he cannot deal with his sister’s righteousness right now. Seungwan and Sehun exchange a brief look which probably tells the girl everything that she needed to know, for she stands up and decisively says,

‘We need to get Yixing to the nurse right now. Whatever this nut job’s problem is,’ she points to Junmyeon, disgust hardly concealed in her voice. ‘Get him away from Sehun.’ Joohyun respects the command as she quickly grabs her twin’s arm and drags him further away from the group. He goes willingly – the fight has already abandoned him.

Seungwan reaches for her mobile and sends a quickly Gym. Emergency text to Chanyeol, knowing that the boy will appear in a heartbeat, regardless of any misunderstandings they might have at the moment.

‘Is this what I think it is..?’ Seungwan murmurs as both her and teary-eyed Sehun attempt to help Yixing sit up. The older boy hisses, grabbing at his own side. ‘Dude, you might have as well just opened the gates of hell.’

‘Tell me about it,’ Sehun sniffs, looking panicked as he observes Yixing’s agony. ‘I’ve never hated anyone how I hate Junmyeon right now, and that’s something,’ he adds, but the feeling of anger does not project well in his hopeless expression.

‘I’ll beat him up for you if you want,’ Seungwan jokes despite the circumstances and Sehun actually lets out a weak huff of air that is meant to be laughter.

They don’t wait long – Chanyeol arrives breathless, nearly tripping once, since he is still wearing his shower slippers. He takes in the scene in front of him, his expression oscillating between dumbfounded and deeply alarmed.

‘Let’s take Yixing and Sehun to the infirmary first,’ Seungwan suggests before the taller boy has a chance to connect all dots. ‘We can ask questions later.’ At that, Chanyeol firmly nods and together, they manage to help Yixing up. Pain clearly visible on his face, the older braves himself for the strenuous walk as he steps one foot at the time, using the two friends as leverage.

‘There’s a lot that you don’t know, Seungwan,’ Sehun admits quietly, walking carefully besides her. He keeps looking over the girl’s shoulder, still anxious over the state of his boyfriend’s injuries. ‘That you both don’t know,’ he adds, addressing Chanyeol.

When they reach the medical centre, the resident nurse wastes no time in aiding the injured, shooing the rest away despite Sehun’s protests, and advising him to wait outside once she has made sure that his physical trauma is not as severe.

‘I know that this thing with Yixing has been going on for at least a year, and judging from the scene that I just witnessed, your siblings must have finally found out about it,’ the tallest red head says out of the blue, referring to his friend’s previous statement in an almost casual manner. Seungwan turns to him, frowning.

‘You knew..?’ Sehun gapes, rendered speechless. Chanyeol nods, tips of his ears turning red – whether the aftermath of the strenuous activity or out of embarrassment, Sehun cannot guess.

‘Remember last New Year’s? I saw you two that day.’

‘That’s impossible. I clearly remember that you arrived so late you had to climb up the vine to get to our room. Blimey, you scared the living lights out of me that night.’

‘Yeah… that wasn’t when I actually arrived in school, though. My dad dropped me off super early in the morning – he had some business in London that couldn’t wait. So I got to our room and opened the door as quietly as I could, fully intending on jumping at you and waking you up in the nastiest way possible, you know, as a way to welcome you as my new roommate,’ Chanyeol grins bashfully, momentarily forgetting what he was talking about, while Sehun scowls, but his expression soon falls as he remembers what else happened that morning. ‘I saw you two in bed, and fast asleep, so I quickly retreated and waited out the day in town. Dude, do you have any idea how many nights I drunk just to bleach that image out of my brain?’ Chanyeol groans, deep blush on his cheeks.

‘You saw us- oh, dear Lord.’ Though he does not mean it, the prayer still slips out of his mouth. ‘It’s because you weren’t supposed to return until the evening, I mean… oh, dear Lord.’

‘You never told me anything,’ Seungwan frowns. Chanyeol shrugs.

‘It wasn’t my secret to tell. I intruded enough as it was.’

‘So what now?’ Seungwan asks after a moment of silence among them.

‘I guess it’s up to Junmyeon. There’s no way his arse won’t tell on me, you saw how sodded he was. He’s probably on it as we speak, since my parents are right there, probably still losing their marbles over my running out on them. I don’t know what to do. It scares me how dependant I am on them,’ Sehun admits, hanging his head low. ‘One thing I know is that if they can’t bend me to their will, they will chase me out – or lock me up in one of those camps again,’ he lets out a shuddered breath at the memory.

‘Nobody’s bloody taking you anywhere, and especially not to that torture house,’ Chanyeol refutes, getting worked up in a second. Seungwan has never specifically heard the details of the camp that the Baes sent their youngest offspring to three summers ago, but Chanyeol must have been well aware, if his anger is anything to go by.

‘What he said. Nobody’s bloody taking you anywhere, Sehun, not if I can help it.’ The three friends look up in astonishment as Joohyun Bae makes her way towards their aisle. She stops right in front of them. ‘You don’t have to concern yourself with Junmyeon, he won’t tell a soul about what he saw.’

‘Why should we trust you?’ The red head boy retaliates immediately, his expression a mixture of suspicion and badly disguised annoyance.

‘You don’t have to – you will see that I’m right. Our parents won’t know about this.’ She turns to Sehun. He displays no strong emotions as he replies,

‘I won’t break up with him.’

‘I know,’ Joohyun says. ‘I don’t care about that.’

‘How can you suddenly not care that when you’ve spent your whole life advocating against it?’ Her younger brother asks incredulously. He does not even feel angry – he’s just… lost for words.

‘I just don’t care, ok,’ Joohyun repeats only, pure anguish marring her face. ‘Can we talk… privately? Please. If after that you’ve decided that you want nothing to do with me, I’ll understand. But can I get just one more chance to explain myself? Sehun, please,’ she looks so tired, devastated even, that Sehun eventually agrees, despite his better judgement and his friends’ advice.

‘If the nurse asks you what happened, feign ignorance. I need to know the full picture before I decide what to do,’ Sehun tells Seungwan and Chanyeol, who reluctantly agree. They all know that Yixing, even when conscious, will refuse to land his once best friend in trouble and explain the matter in a truthful manner.

‘This better be important,’ Sehun murmurs as he follows Joohyun to her dormitory.

‘Oh, it is,’ she assures.

‘…er, excuse me? Have you lost your way or..?’ Minseok Kim is the first one to react, looking at the two newcomers in astonishment.

It’s Monday, the next morning after the picnic and also a bank holiday – hence their unusually scheduled band practice. It’s bad enough that the awkward atmosphere still hangs over them all as they try to get over the previous disagreements and fall back into their regular rhythm with barely a week till their official debut in Oceana which apparently is still on.

They really don’t need Joohyun Bae to add oil to their fuel.

‘Guys, please. Before you say anything, can you just… let her stay for a while?’

‘Are you out of your darn mind? I do not want her near me,’ Minseok firmly rejects the idea, scoffing.

‘She won’t do anything, she’ll just sit here, I promise. You won’t even notice,’ Sehun pleads to everyone’s surprise.

‘I won’t interrupt your rehearsal, don’t worry,’ Joohyun speaks up for the first time, looking only mildly apprehensive. ‘I did not come here for you, anyway. But you better get used to me, because from now on, I will be spending a lot of time with my brother, which unfortunately means, I will be spending a lot of time round you lot. Whether you like it or not,’ she settles the matter, taking a seat at a beat up chair in the corner of the garage.

Seungwan chooses that moment to drop her mic.

A/N: Hi, everyone. Sorry for the long wait. Juggling two jobs and writing a PhD thesis does not leave a lot of room for indulgence in hobbies, but I will do my best to finish the next chapter in the next two weeks.

Also, I would like to remind you all that real-life Junmyeon Kim is a sweetheart and you should all stan. Totally.