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‘So what now?’

Joohyun shrugs at the question. It’s cold and they keep walking. They walk close, arms linked. Seungwan can feel both the heat and the weight of the touch, though for an unsuspecting eye they must surely merely look like two friends coddling up due to the extremely low temperatures.

There are no taxis around and the younger inwardly curses their luck. More than ever, she just wants to go back to the comfort of the house and maybe kiss some more. Or at least lie down and mentally slap herself one more time before she completely slips into this version of reality. Joohyun still does not respond directly to the question asked and the singer has to remind herself that despite the earlier occurrence and the older girl’s confessions, it takes more than just a snap of fingers for a big change like that to really sink in for a person.

Seungwan does not know if she can really trust in this development but boy does she want to because the kisses are too sweet to be a mere sign of impending doom for both of them.

‘Will you-‘ Will you be my girlfriend, Seungwan Son, what the heck, the girl immediately chastises herself, glad the childish sounding words do not, after all, leave . Joohyun Bae is barely out of her shell and here she is, jumping right into the fire and trying to secure the base like the romance novice that she is. But blaming her would also not be entirely fair; this really is the first time a person she is truly interested in seems to be reciprocating her feelings. ‘Do you want to go out some time?’ She says instead. Her voice cracks.

Smooth, Seungwan, smooth.

‘I-‘ Joohyun takes a moment to ponder the question. She did tell the other that they had no other choice but to take it step by step so it does not come as a surprise that her older companion has to adequately mentally process requests even as simple as this one.

Joohyun takes a deep breath.

‘I suppose so?’ She answers unsurely. It is awkward, but Joohyun is a woman of action. Although the words come out forced, she does find Seungwan’s right palm hidden deeply in the pocket of her flight jacket and squeezes it for reassurance. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m still here.

Seungwan cannot in all honesty say that this is the peak of her dreams about a romantic relationship but it’s a start. She has never been one for mushy confessions and excessive public displays of affection but she thrives in attention, however it is being given to her. This chance, this kind of interest coming from Joohyun feels unreal and more than the singer has ever allowed herself to imagine. She thinks that perhaps it is alright if they take it moment by moment.

‘But…’ There is it. The heavily hanging but. Joohyun hesitates in her whispers. ‘I really- I always mean what I say. I like you. I like you so much that sometimes I feel lost and I don’t know what to do, but it’s futile to fight it the way I initially intended to. Even if I suppress it, it’s still going to be there, suffocating me more and if anything, I am not a coward. Once acknowledged, I will face the situation, for better and for worse, you know that. But-‘

She pauses again, struggling to articulate herself in a way that is clear and not misunderstood. At least that is what it looks like to Seungwan. She will give the older the benefit of the doubt.

‘I need more time, Seungwan,’ she now whispers more urgently, meaning to explain. ‘When I… Before I tell others, I need to comfortable with myself. I need to…’ She trails away but Seungwan knows exactly what the other wants to say.

‘You need to be sure that this is what you want.’ There is no anger or impatience in her voice, though.

How can she be? Seungwan had not been even through half the things that Joohyun has recently experienced when she had her own epiphany and she still went ahead and sought male validation, time and time again trying to change what she knew deep down could not be changed. Who would she be if she were to take out her rage on unsuspecting Joohyun for not wanting to act out on her feelings and come out on a whim five seconds after she realised that she might, indeed, want to be more than friends with a girl for the first time in her life.

A hypocrite, that is who.

It is a rather hard pill to swallow but Seungwan takes it. Then she looks at Joohyun whose head is lowered, in embarrassment or shame, Seungwan does not know.

‘We don’t have to tell the others now. We can just, you know, hang-‘ She winces at the choice of words, not intending for it to sound so casual. ‘I mean, send time together and, well, see how it goes.’

‘You don’t mind?’ Joohyun is surprised, seeing right through the other girl. They stop at the zebra, waiting for the green light.

‘I have no right to ask you to expose yourself if you don’t feel ready. I- I like you too, a lot. I’ve liked you for so long… I want to give this a try, obviously.’ When their eyes meet, they both blush and avert their attention almost immediately, visibly embarrassed. ‘Whatever you decide, I’ll be here for you. Just don’t play with me. I’m out, Joohyun, so don’t force me back in. I just don’t think that I’d have the guts to go through this again.’

Joohyun’s promise of ‘I won’t.’ is almost inaudible but Seungwan still hears it, and is still glad that it is for once said without hesitation.

‘It’s gonna be hard to avoid the guys, though,’ Seungwan adds as an afterthought, scrunching her nose in mock distaste for her friends’ noisiness. She can only imagine how delighted Tao Huang will be when he catches the wind of all this.

‘They’re more self-involved than you think them to be,’ Joohyun responds lightly, waving at yet another taxi passing them by. Both have done this quite a few times already, without much result – the snow and general late time of the day keep the transportation busy – but by miracle, the driver immediately pulls over a feet away from them.

The girls rush inside and out of breath, Seungwan quickly provides the directions to the Park household.

‘So let’s keep it light for now. That’s okay, isn’t it,’ Joohyun quickly adds, looking for confirmation. Seungwan nods, knowing that some things cannot be rushed, no matter what. She is trying her best not to look anxious about it and push the dark thoughts away.

‘Hey, Joohyun, wanna hear a joke?’ She grins instead, not quite there yet but not letting the situation get to her either.

‘Oh, no-‘ She hears a quiet groan which makes her let out a genuine laughter. Joohyun was never fond of her sense of humour but Seungwan goes ahead anyway – it’s her way of reassuring herself.

‘If Mary had Jesus and Jesus is the Lamb of God, does it mean that Mary had a little lamb?’

Seungwan cackles at her own ridiculous gag. It is not particularly funny, and she herself is aware of it, but when Joohyun cracks an involuntary smile anyway, the younger knows she has won.

When they reach the house, Seungwan parts ways with her companion on the staircase, but not before being pulled for one more hesitant kiss. It lasts no longer than three seconds and it is not even particularly layered with finesse, but since Joohyun pulls her in and initiates it – before quickly disappearing in her room with a blush – its sloppy technique tingles Seungwan anyway.

Chanyeol appears to be in the shower when she enters his space. She doesn’t knock; she never has. There is nothing that she has not heard or seen before (something that, on second thought, sounds and is gross at times). She hears the water in the sink running, the boy inside surely furiously splashing it around like he always does.

At least he has his own bathroom inside the bedroom, unlike Seungwan’s own humble abode in Kensington. Despite the marble kitchen tops and mahogany tables that her mother chooses to surround them with, she did not think that it was a good idea to give her only daughter some privacy in the form of a separate bathroom. However, every time she points that one out, her mother immediately counters it with some unseemly advice that she has read about raising rebellious teenagers. They are usually more complicated and convoluted than necessary – those advice, not teenagers but then again who knows - but apparently, always conclude with a direct order that prevents parents from giving bathrooms to their growing children.

Frustrating.

Seungwan sits down on the bed, careful not to put her dirty socks on the sheets because for a guy who creates a messy hurricane pretty much everywhere he appears, Chanyeol too has his own dislikes concerning the lack of hygiene. She really wants to share the big news with her friend, but she knows that she is not supposed to. She just wonders whether she will be able to keep that promise made to Joohyun as such a heavily hanging unspoken information might just hinder her own relationship with Chanyeol.

‘I’m cold, come out. I’ll tickle you to death if you waste all the hot water,’ she playfully shouts in the direction of the door, where nothing but more quickening splashing and quiet groans resonates.

Seungwan wants to tell him; he has proved himself to be quite observant anyway and keeping something like this from the boy will undoubtedly be futile in a long run. Nonetheless, the girl knows better than to spill Joohyun’s secret mindlessly, not wishing to out the elder’s confusion to anyone, no matter how close they seem to be. Seungwan’s impatience will have to wait and give way to respect, but it does not mean that she cannot allow herself an internal brief dance of victory on a more personal level. She struggles to contain her amazement and glee as she adjusts her big grin to a more reasonable one of passing contentment.

‘Chanyeol, you oaf, you know that-‘

The words die on her lips as she chances a look at the taller boy emerging from the bathroom. Initially, nothing is out of ordinary – he has already changed into his sweats and the usual stretched T shirt that has seen better days and that he prefers to recycle for sleeping purposes – but his normally wide bright eyes are rimmed red and his mouth twisted with an expression of having been fatally scorned.

Chanyeol resents crying. Not because it is unmanly but because he believes that letting out emotions gives his enemies (whoever they might be) an immediate advantage over him. He will not cry in the face of humiliation and will instead rub his eyes nearly raw, like he has clearly done now. In the three years they have been friends, Seungwan has witnessed it only once – on the Pride the two of them attended the year before. Despite the reinforced security around Trafalgar, there were still numerous incidents of violent hostility that landed a few of their companions in an accidental brawl, with one needing to be transferred to the nearest hospital in an ambulance. The tall drummer knew that it was not worth it, he knew that the last thing they needed was to stoop to that level of hatred so he just stood there, his palms uselessly. He was hopeless.

Now he awkwardly shuffles around, avoiding Seungwan’s questioning gaze. The curiosity he could probably take, but not the worry laced with pity that his best friend always reserves on such occasions and Seungwan knows that. Chanyeol pats around his bag, finally finding the few cigarettes he has managed to smuggle into the house without his mother realising – he knew she would eventually come poking, looking for dirty underwear to put into the laundry machine and lamenting over the general state of his wardrobe.

‘Don’t smoke here, Yeol,’ Seungwan warns softly, more concerned that scolding. ‘Your life will be over if you dad catches you, especially after the Subaru fiasco.’

Chanyeol does not reply as he merely leaps over their luggage huddled under the window, cracking it open widely and lighting up the stick. His hands are slightly shaking, but his companion cannot discern whether it is due to cold or anxiety.

‘What happened?’ She finally asks, even quieter after she has let the boy take in a few calming drags.

‘I’m an idiot,’ he only says to that, still looking out but it is dark outside and the street lamp near the Parks’ house has never worked in all the time Seungwan has been visiting.

‘You’ll have to be a bit more specific,’ she cannot help but joke and surprisingly, she receives an airy resemblance of a chuckle from him for her trouble. The boy releases another nicotine puff before answering.

‘You know, all this time I’ve been on your case about your church girl crush, warning you again and again about the consequences and here I am, having done it myself.’

‘Baekhyun Byun..?’ Seungwan take a wild guess for, to her knowledge, he has been the only one who caught Chanyeol’s fancy in all the time she has been around the boy. ‘Did you meet him tonight?’ She adds after a moment, suddenly vaguely remembering that Baekhyun is also from York. Chanyeol nods, still turned away. ‘Was he on a date..?’ She prompts again, aiming for what she knows would evoke a strong reaction from Chanyeol. Unrequited love balls, she concludes.

This time Chanyeol snorts loudly, finally looking her in the eye.

‘Yeah, he was on a date alright. With me.’

Seungwan frowns for a brief second before standing up, agitated.

‘You didn’t tell me you’d asked him out! I’ve been cheering you on despite your idiocy for the last two years and you didn’t even think to mention this huge breakthrough?!’

Chanyeol shrugs.

‘It doesn’t matter. It’s over.’

‘How can it be over when it’s only just begun?’ The girl reasons, approaching and sitting on the wide window sill opposite her friend in spite of the nauseating smell of cigarettes. ‘What happened? What did he do?’

Chanyeol sighs, looking pained but also apologetic towards Seungwan as he interrupts her interrogation.

‘It wasn’t… just one date. We’ve been-‘ Together, is what Chanyeol wants to say but holds himself back because describing him and Baekhyun as a real item would be as far from the truth as it can possibly be. ‘I’ve been seeing him since that party. The one before our gig in Oceana.’

‘…What?’ Seungwan gapes unintelligently, clearly not expecting his answer. ‘That’s impossible. You didn’t even know him at that time. Did you?’ She adds, whispering in disbelief.

‘Everyone I’d come with disappeared somewhere. I was bordering on drunk and he was laughing at my jokes. Next thing I knew, we were blowing each other in the bathroom.’ Chanyeol appears to be the perfect image of calmness, a complete contrast to the girl whose jaw nearly drops to the ground.

‘That’s why you were so unhappy during the rehearsal that time? Wait,’ she retracts. ‘Why were you unhappy if you just had the love of your life give you exactly what you’d wanted?’

‘Because he ing gave me head and then bailed, that’s why. Wouldn’t take my calls all morning. I’m not some animal, it’s not just about .’

‘Sorry, sorry.’ Seungwan feels remorseful at her insensitive comment. ‘So it didn’t end well?’ She looks at him sympathetically and the boy actually reddens, finding comfort in his nearly burn out cigarette as he averts his eyes once again.

‘That- that wasn’t the end,’ Chanyeol admits. Seungwan’s frown deepens but she stands still, afraid to ask. ‘He approached me later, telling me that he panicked, giving me some story about how he didn’t know what he was doing… Bloody hurt but I took it. I was angry and humiliated, but I accepted it.’ He finally puts out the stick, hiding it in a plastic bag in the depths of his school luggage rather than carelessly throwing out the window and having his father find it later during spring cleaning of their little back garden. ‘But then he came back. Over and over, and Sehun wasn’t there, he was always with Yixing so Baekhyun would just come to my room to fool around and then disappear again for a few days. That was so ed up, now that I think about it. He must have known I liked him, I mean.’ He sighs, resigns.

It is not difficult for Seungwan to place that period on their timeline. Chanyeol was always angry or unresponsive, harsh in words and action. He and Seungwan drifted apart for a few weeks before he suddenly came around, acting like nothing happened. At that time, Seungwan herself was so absorbed with Joohyun and her own feelings that she merely let him work it out on his own. She was not a good friend, she now feels shame to the bone.

‘Damn it, Seungwan, it’s not your fault. He asked to be secretive about it and I fell for it, failing to realise that being somebody’s dirty little secret never leads anywhere.’ He purses his lips. ‘I guess he wanted to keep me around – or maybe he wanted to bloody indoctrinate me, I don’t know anymore - so he indulged me. Christmas gifts, you know, he even agreed to meet me tonight. In his church.’

‘…Come again?’ Seungwan thinks she has heard him wrong.

‘You heard me.’ He scoffs.

‘So now..?’ She probes carefully when he does not continue. She honestly wants to laugh because Chanyeol Park in a church sounds like one of those ‘happens once every eighteen years, retwit for good luck’ messages that Tao Huang loves so much but she mentally files that story away for another time when things are alright again.

Chanyeol sighs deeply.

In retrospect, Chanyeol himself has to admit that he could have played this a little more delicately but to his defence, he has never been a guy to beat around the bush. In fact, this has to be the first – and most probably the last - time he has forced himself to do something that he knew was ultimately doomed to fail. Chanyeol is not religious nor has he ever had any interest in becoming so. It is a mere coincidence that he is attending a private academy so accommodating and susceptible to the reign of the local church. Ever since he remembers, he has always regarded spirituality as a hindrance, an idea that ultimately does not free but cloud one’s judgement instead.

So why he had to fall for a person with deep respect for such philosophy is really beyond him.

He has tried his earnest to learn prayers and the general order of things, going as far as relentlessly disturbing Joohyun Bae’s day over its small details, much to the girl’s chagrin. Mind you - there have even been times when he felt mildly excited over the whole ordeal, his enthusiasm based more on the amount of time he will be able to spend in Baekhyun Byun’s company than anything else, but still. The tall drummer saw this as a way to bond with his classmate, as a beginning of something deeper.

Too bad it seems to be turning the ultimate goal of whatever their relationship is into something it is definitely not.

Chanyeol is standing a street away from the church that he has agreed to go to with Baekhyun. He is early – despite begging off from the awkward engagement that Seungwan had talked him into, he did not feel like going back home. Instead, he loitered around Piccadilly, grabbing a quick bite in his favourite Sandwich House which he did not really finish, spacing out frequentl, and ultimately deciding that he was not that hungry after all. Now here he is, tapping his foot against the brick pavement and wondering if all of this is even worth the hassle. He wishes he had his cigarettes with him. He has been so good in his abstinence recently but today he really needs a boost.

On the bright side, Baekhyun Byun has finally spared him the time of day. They’ve been friendly – more than friendly – since the first and last concert that Verbal Explosion had in Oceana just before exams. And now, Baekhyun has decided to take it to the proverbial next level, rather than just hiding away and cosying it up in the dorm room when no one was looking.

On the downside, the next level apparently means his local church and despite all the initial enthusiasm - and a little bit of irony too, but that should be understandable – Chanyeol is genuinely not sure about any of this. He is going to try because he cares for the other but he does not care, and never has, for any forms of religious experience. His family has never been one to sit in the front row during the Sunday mass and they have also never forced him into any form of faith.

Believe in yourself, is what his father kept telling him instead when he was a kid. Then he grew up to be a gay BBK and self-reassurance has become his primary spiritual alimentation.

Chanyeol knows he should stop seeing Baekhyun because constant pursuing him literally makes Chanyeol feel like the worst version of himself but something has changed recently, or so the drummer thinks. It is not just physical anymore, it appears to be different and Chanyeol wants to believe that. When Baekhyun says that he likes him but his religion is important to him, Chanyeol believes him also. Despite the bitterness, the tall boy is not cruel enough to disregard the geniality of the other’s sentiments. It is just that… they do not concern him at all.

‘You really visited the church for him? That is true love right there,’ Seungwan jokes again but this time she gets no reaction.

‘Yeah, I did, all the while feeling like a fool. It wasn’t even about the whole gay thing – he told me his church accepts different ualities – but just… It’s hard to explain. I guess my own general apprehension? I didn’t know how to behave and I felt uncomfortable. I only really went because I’d finally gathered courage to ask him out and he suggested this.’

‘So what did you do today? After the mass?’

‘Nothing, that’s the thing. I thought we’d go out to eat but it was getting late and his parents were somewhere in the crowd, waiting… So I asked him out again and he told me I could come to his church on Tuesday.’

Seungwan whistles lowly, already knowing what the story is leading up to.

‘You told him that you had no interest in converting, didn’t you.’

‘What was I supposed to do? This was amusing while it lasted but I had enough trouble even opening up to him, I wasn’t going to pretend anymore. He just stood there, looking at me like he didn’t understand a word I said. I told him I wanted to date him but I’m fine with him going to his church or whatever.’ It does not sound like Chanyeol would be completely fine with it but Seungwan lets that slide. ‘He told me he wants to date somebody who shares his values, can you believe that? Like I’ll turn a murderer or something if I don’t attend his weekly prayers. The heck. Not like he’s a saint himself. I just left after that, there was nothing more to say, we reached an impasse.’

‘Maybe it’s for the best Yeol,’ Seungwan sighs, standing up and searching for her own toiletries. She is freezing and she really needs that hot shower. ‘You clearly never had any interest in religion and if he cannot accept you the way you are then it’ll never work out.’

‘I’m relieved, honestly. It but in a long run it’s good riddance, I’m telling you.’ Chanyeol passes the girl on his way to make the bed. ‘Maybe he’s just straight and toying with me, I don’t know. But it always comes down to those idiotic prayers. Why do people allow themselves to get so brainwashed?’

Seungwan nods, making her way into the attached bathroom for she considers the discussion pretty much over. Whatever was bothering Chanyeol is clearly gone and out of his system. Perhaps precisely because it had been under his skin for so long, once he’s made peace with it, it was out for good. He let it all out and now he was just venting.

‘I know it must sound horrible but I’m glad you gave up that silly pursuit of Bae when you did. More so now that I’ve burnt myself over the matter.’ Seungwan’s hand stills on the handle just as she is about to enter the bathroom, suddenly alert. ‘Like, I admit I was prejudiced against her so I didn’t want her around but she can be a good friend if she wants to. She’s good to you and Sehun and fair to us.’ He adds as an afterthought and then chuckles briefly for the first time tonight. ‘Anyway, it’s not like she’ll ever like you for real. Can you imagine? How awkward that would be, with her suddenly proclaiming her love for you. Hilarious.’

Seungwan hums non-committedly before closing the door behind herself. Hilarious indeed.

Hello again, lesbian anxiety and teenage issues. It was nice forgetting you for a whole second.

A/N: I'm late. I wanted to update to celebrate London Pride yesterday but I couldn't finish the chapter, uh.

Somebody asked me how long TPC will be, and it depends. It is originally planned for 40 chapters but it might be a tad bit shorter, I just haven't decided what to do with one certain pairing so their arch might shorten the story but we'll see.

Thank you for reading and as usual, please upvote if you liked. Have a good day!