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Seungwan should have known that something is not right when Chanyeol does not pick up his phone because she is sure that he is so attached to the device, he would answer even from beyond the grave. It is strange but considering that she has delayed this important talk by weeks already, she ultimately decides to look for him in his dormitory where he is most likely playing his guitar or having a screaming match with somebody on PUBG. They also have an essay to do, but it is not due in another two days so the library is out of the question. Chanyeol will not be caught dead in there until three hours before the deadline.

It is quiet on the dormitory corridor as Seungwan hastily makes her way to the third floor, wary not to be seen by the guard or the hall tutor appointed for the week. Most inhabitants do not particularly care whether or not girls enter their building – on the contrary, they welcome it in glee - but the adult supervisors are another story. Seungwan is actually lucky that Mark from her English literature was leaving just as she approached, keeping the door open long enough for her to slide through. She really didn’t feel like climbing up the pipes again, especially if Chanyeol happens to be somewhere else.

Fifth door on the right from the Western staircase. It is Seungwan’s yet another mistake not to knock, but when has she ever, especially now that Sehun has been spending all his free time on the seventh floor. Knocked, she maybe would have as a courtesy to Sehun, but Chanyeol? Chanyeol has nothing to hide from her. She has seen it all before, willing or not.

Seungwan grabs the knob and literally pushes her way through to the room, using her right shoulder as leverage. Everything about the male dormitory is old and the door has always been heavy. It clicks and opens easily this time though, and the girl nearly stumbles forward, trying to regain footing.

‘Chanyeol, we need to… talk.’ Seungwan’s jaw goes slack at the sight in front of her.

For a second, she doesn’t know how to react. She stands there, rooted to the ground and completely frozen.

‘Can I help you?’ Baekhyun Byun sits back on his heels, his hands still on the insides of Chanyeol’s thighs as he asks a question in a completely calm, yet almost challenging tone. Chanyeol, on the other hand, shrieks and grabs his trousers with one hand, trying to pull them up while still in a sitting position and simultaneously balancing himself on his other arm. He nearly kicks the boy kneeling in front of him in the face in the process.

‘I- I j-just… I… Uh.’ Seungwan gives up and finally remembers how to move. She backs away immediately, shutting the door and letting out the breath she was not even aware she was holding, her eyes wide. There is a frantic shuffling inside and she makes it her mission to disappear as soon as she can but she does not cross more than a few feet when the click of the door opening resounds again, a much heavier steps following in her direction. She stops with her back still to the boy.

‘Seungwan.’ For once, Chanyeol’s voice is quiet, so unlike the usual boisterous tone that he is identified by. He sounds nervous, but Seungwan cannot tell for sure because for the life of her, she cannot force herself to turn around. Not when Baekhyun Byun’s face emerging from between Chanyeol’s legs is the only thing that keeps resurfacing in her mind right now.

She thinks she is going to be sick.

‘Seungwan?’ Chanyeol repeats, this time making it sound more like a question.

‘Y-yeah?’ She responds weakly, squeezing her eyes shut but there is no erasing the image so fresh in her memory.

‘I- Baekhyun and I-‘

‘You don’t have to explain anything to me,’ she reassures quickly, trying to cut the conversation short. It’s none of my business, it’s none of my business, it’s-

‘I- I think I’m dating him now,’ Chanyeol adds in a small voice, not daring approach any closer - and probably for the best.

‘Uh, okay,’ she only says, her mind reeling. She knows that she should probe further; she should ask why the sudden change of heart, what happened between his Christmas rant and now, perhaps make him realise that he was insane for falling into what could be a trap-

‘You think?’ The second much more relaxed voice appears, accompanied by the squeaking of a new pair of trainers against the polished floor. ‘I’ll have you know that I don’t blow just any random person,’ Baekhyun adds a little annoyed but mostly amused.

‘Shush… not in front of Seungwan,’ Chanyeol pleads in a whisper, almost timidly and suddenly Seungwan realises that whatever she is about to say won’t make a difference in the slightest: her best friend is just too deep, too whipped to ever consider not dating Baekhyun Byun. Chanyeol? Embarrassed by an expletive? When was the last time Seungwan saw that?

The answer is, never.

‘Text me when you’re done here and maybe we can finish what we started,’ Baekhyun announces loudly as he passes the girl, going up the stairs in the direction of his own room without another glance.

Ok, now Seungwan really needs a drink or she will vomit right there. Has she already drunk all her beer she had under the bed or-

‘Are you mad at me?’ Chanyeol’s resigned voice startles her. Mad?

‘Why would I be mad?’ She asks surprised, almost turning around but remembering at the last moment that it is the one condition that she would rather not see her friend in. Just because Baekhyun Byun went away does not mean that everything else did too. Bleh.

‘For being a hypocrite and for keeping this from you. I didn’t mean to hide it, I just… I was buzzed myself. I didn’t know how to tell you that things have changed.’ Oh, Seungwan definitely knows something about that.

‘Have they? Really? So it’s not just about his church thingy anymore?’ She tries her best to refrain from judgement but Chanyeol can probably see through her worries anyway.

‘I don’t know. I guess I’m gonna find out the hard way,’ Chanyeol replies and she can tell that he shrugs, trying to seem indifferent. ‘He approached me once we came back from holiday and initially I didn’t wanna talk to him, but…’

‘But then you did anyway,’ Seungwan guesses, the first shock of what she witnessed slowly leaving her.

‘I just like him. You know? I can’t help but like him.’

Oh, she knows.

‘Joohyun and I are dating,’ she says out of the blue. Might as well just get on with it. It’s not like there’s gonna be a better time to confess a somewhat similar problem.

‘Huh?’ Chanyeol is still taken by surprise. Seungwan finally turns around, her eyes wandering around walls and doors – anything not to look at her friend’s silhouette.

‘She kissed me when we stayed at yours. It just happened,’ she rushes with an explanation when Chanyeol says nothing. ‘I asked her if she’s sure. She started, Chan, I didn’t… project my crush on her or whatever. I didn’t press. It was her idea,’ she almost pleads, she does not even know why. When she finally catches the boy’s eye, she does not like what she sees.

It is pity.

‘But-‘ The boy frowns but belatedly realises that it is not his place to talk. Not after what just came out of his own mouth. He sighs. ‘Okay.’

‘You think it’s gonna end badly,’ she prompts, anxious to hear the words out loud, to be able to discuss this with anyone at all, but especially with Chanyeol. Even though she is more than aware of his stance on the matter.

‘I don’t think anything,’ he responds evasively, seeking perch on the wall nearby with his left arm as if the weight of the conversation finally got the best of him.

‘I know you do,’ she lowers her gaze. ‘I know what you think.’ His calmness still rubs her the wrong way, but she has enough sense not to show it. She does not want to become angry because she has already realised that there is no point in taking her frustrations out on innocent by standers. She knows deep down that Chanyeol merely voices out what she herself feels and that is what makes her upset – that is what makes her scared.

‘I just… I don’t know, Wan. Whatever happens with Baekhyun, he’s bi. I’d say, there’s a fifty-fifty chance that he actually likes me. And if he doesn’t… it’s not because I’m a guy.’

‘So you think Joohyun doesn’t actually like me,’ Seungwan nods, getting gloomier by the second. She should not be like this; she should not let Chanyeol’s words get to her because he does not know what the two have been through and how they are together. How Joohyun gets when they are alone. And yet…

‘I’m certain she likes you,’ Chanyeol counters quickly. ‘But, , Seungwan. Just… it’s still so hard for me to even wrap my head around the fact that she approached us and just like that, she’s decided to be on Sehun’s side in this. That she’s come to be somebody we actually trust. And now you’re telling me that you two are a thing, but how do you know she’s not just confused? How do you know she’s even gay, or bi, or whatever? She’s lost everything in the span of three months. Her ing brother turned half the school against her, her holy best friend got knocked up, her other brother came out as gay, she lost faith, she lost her family, she probably lost her mind along the way too. Just… when I actually think about it, it’s bloody trauma. I’d go ing bonkers if all of this happened to me at once, you get me? …oh, , . Seungwan, don’t you dare cry.’ He sighs, ready to come closer but she takes a step back.

‘I’m not crying,’ she denies even though there is a stray tear already running down her cheek. She wipes it aggressively.

‘You know I’m not saying this to make you feel like . You know her better. If you’re sure that she’s sincere, you go and see it through until the end, whatever it is. Like I’m gonna. So if my heart gets broken, you better wait for me with beer and brownies, got it?’ She heaves out an airy chuckle, the humour not really getting to her, though.

Joohyun is sincere, is she not? Admittedly, it is something that Seungwan has not been able to get out of her mind. It is always there, somewhere, reminding her that maybe she has simply become a safety blanket for a girl that lost everything else. Seungwan knows better – she should know better; she knows that she is deserving of love and that Joohyun could very well simply be attracted to her. But all those elements aligned too perfectly, too out of the blue like Chanyeol describes them and deep inside, Seungwan knows that he is right. They think alike, that is why they clicked in the first place.

There is, indeed, a possibility that Joohyun will wake up one day and decide that being a lesbian is not what God wants from her.

‘Ah, how did we get like this..?’ Chanyeol looks at his friend, embarrassed. ‘I feel like we haven’t really spoken in a long while? Like, not really? Since you first started hanging out around Bae, things just stopped being the same?’

‘They can’t be the same,’ Seungwan reasons, giving him a tired smile. ‘Maybe in an alternative reality we’d have spent the rest of our lives together but in this one, you’re ing dropping your pants for a Baekhyun Byun-‘ Seungwan counters before reflecting and shudders. ‘Uh, too early for a joke like that.’

Chanyeol just chuckles, a hysterical laughter bubbling in his throat at the absurdity of the situation.

Seungwan smiles, giving him a wistful look before sighing.

‘And I’m… I’m just really… really and madly in love with Joohyun Bae.’

‘How did he take it?’ Joohyun asks when they meet at the gate. She is nervous, probably will be until she sees Chanyeol Park next and can personally assess the amount of judgement and contempt that he holds her in.

‘Not too bad, I suppose,’ Seungwan hedges. ‘He was otherwise occupied, anyway.’

‘So he doesn’t hate me?’ Joohyun asks rather impatiently. Any other day, she would wonder at why exactly she craves Chanyeol Park’s approval so much but there is no longer any need for pretending or making up excuses – Chanyeol is important to Seungwan and Joohyun desperately wants to prove herself.

‘Come on, he doesn’t hate you.’ I think, the younger does not add.

The taxi is already there, ordered by Joohyun as she waited so both get in the backseat. Joohyun covers Seungwan’s hand with her own, squeezing it tightly between them.

‘He thinks you might be just confused. About us,’ the singer finally says, sighing. It is always the best policy to have an upfront conversation but the girl fears that it will ruin their afternoon.

Joohyun has nothing to say to that. It is not like she has not heard this accusation already; it is not like she has not questioned her own self many times before. She squeezes Seungwan’s hand once again and putting on her brightest smile announces,

‘You and I are going to have the best first date in the history of dates today, what do you say?’

Seungwan purses her lips inquisitively but eventually grins a bit. It does not take a lot for her to brighten up.

‘Is that a challenge I hear?’

‘Damn right, you’re on,’ Joohyun taunts coarsely, glad that the attention can be diverted from the sensitive topic at least for a little while.

In all honesty, Joohyun has no other means to persuade Seungwan of her sincerity than with her actions. It is scary – to let others know, to reveal herself, to let herself be judged not even for her actions but for what other people think that she represents with herself. When Joohyun thinks back to all the times she did that to Seungwan, to her brother, to all their friends… Suddenly, they seem like the strongest people that she has ever encountered.

She does not let go of her girlfriend’s palm until it is time to get off the car.

‘But who’s gonna keep the score?’ Seungwan complains as soon as they arrive at their first destination – a small karaoke place just behind St. Ann’s Road.

‘Don’t worry, if you vote for yourself, I’ll vote for you. This way, you’ll always win,’ Joohyun chuckles, looking at Seungwan amused. Seungwan opens to point out the flaw in the other’s logic before realising that it was supposed to be romantic so she closes it promptly, blushing but pleased.

They have agreed to take turns choosing activities for the day to see who can come up with a more entertaining alternative but now the reality of the bias downs on both of them so they just end up laughing. They proceed anyway.

Joohyun has picked a karaoke room – not really for her own benefit, but rather out of selfish desire to hear Seungwan sing again. She has a magnificent voice and Joohyun knows that she misses the band that is now on indefinite hiatus due to school work and Minseok Kim’s workload. Seungwan does not know that Sehun has lent Joohyun the demo that they recorded back in the summer, and she does not need to. Most of the tracks are covers of loud and aggressive music that the members seem to be so fond of, but there is one untitled song, one airily sung piece so full of longing and anguish that would not leave the older girl’s mind. She often listens to it, strangely finding consolation in the soulful lyrics.

She vows to ask her girlfriend about it. One day.

Joohyun pretty much allows Seungwan to serenade her for the next half an hour, herself standing up only once to take the microphone and very hesitantly lend her voice to The Kelly Family’s song. The fact that Seungwan does not judge her music knowledge makes her feel a little more cheerful.

When Seungwan scores another hundred on the machine, Joohyun’s heart swells. Amidst the joyous screams, she approaches the girl and places a small kiss on their interwoven hands. The room has a glass door and Joohyun cannot… she cannot bring herself to give the other a real kiss but she puts all of her sincerely into the substitute, finally loosening the hold only a few seconds later.

‘I’m really happy that you’re here,’ she whispers, the microphone in her other hand picking up a light murmur. It is a feeling that she needs to voice out not only for Seungwan but mostly for herself. More importantly, it is something that she feels like repeating a lot from now on. ‘Really, very happy.’

'Let's go out today.' Seemingly out of nowhere, Sehun takes a seat next to his boyfriend, giving him a wide grin. Yixing Zhang, jolted out of the lethargy of the afternoon studying, merely blinks.

'Hey,' he says rather inadequately, slowly smiling at him.

'Hey yourself,' Sehun smiles even wider, reaching for his hand and squeezing it as a form of greeting. 'I said, let's go out. Let's go take a walk or get a burger, or something. Anything, I feel suffocated.'

Eyes drifting away from the book he has been studying, Yixing looks through the window. It is still raining and the temperature outside has not gone up above seven degrees in the last month. He turns back to the other boy to point out the obvious limitations but Sehun is still there, looking so elated and hopeful that the older only smiles back, nodding. He gathers his possessions into his trusted worn out rucksack and hand in hand, they leave the library in the direction of their dormitory to pick up their jackets on the way.

Yixing Zhang has always known that he was different. He was thirteen when he innocently blurted out to his father that although he liked girls, he thought that boys were equally pretty and that he had a crush on the classmate that sat behind him and Junmyeon in Math. His father looked troubled but gave him a fierce hug, reassuring him time and time again that it was more than fine and that it did not change a thing between them. He only asked of his son to not confess, to not say anything to anyone until he was absolutely sure that the other felt the same. Otherwise things at school might get hard for you, Xingxing, is what the elder said, looking somewhat sad.

Yixing did not understand; he merely nodded, frowning at the strange words. He wanted to tell Junmyeon - after all, they shared everything, they had had no secrets until then - but he did not, as he promised. He remained silent, only sending his crush longing stares and from time to time exchanging trivial comments about the latest episode of Pokémon that they had all watched in the common room of their dormitory.

The following school year, said classmate found a girlfriend which broke Yixing's heart. Once again, he said nothing; when his best friend kept bugging him about the reason behind his gloominess, he only swallowed the words that had gradually made his whole being feel heavier and heavier. By then, now acutely sensitive to the topic, he had begun realising what his father's words meant. Suddenly, the signs were everywhere - it was not going to be easy to like boys if you were one yourself.

Nonetheless, his father said that it was alright and Yixing trusted him blindly. He just felt that he needed additional validation; he needed reassurance from someone else that was not his family and therefore inadvertently obliged to stand by him. Junmyeon - Junmyeon would have to do. They had been friends since first grade, immediately took liking to each other when they noticed their matching Mario Bros backpacks.

Something had stopped him from confessing, though, and later on Yixing figured that it was for the best, because October of grade nine was the first time that he saw his friend in a completely different light. Suddenly, he became somebody whom - Yixing realised - he had not, after all, known inside out. Yixing knew that Junmyeon's family was religious and that he himself was strict with his beliefs despite the young age but it still stung, hearing the hurtful words that pretty much erased Yixing's feelings and existence. The way Junmyeon described God's will was unyielding and hard to bear for a young mind. It was also perplexing - his own father said that God loved everyone and if Yixing was going to love a boy then it was a sign that was how it was meant to be.

Yixing and Junmyeon did not grow apart that year; Yixing felt too much loyalty to leave his side without explanation but simultaneously could not bring himself to explain. He remained self-conscious, always torn between the idea of radical public self-identification and desire to ignore that part of himself unless it explicitly manifested in his life. He asked Macy Whitman out and they dated for four months before the boy broke it off. It was good; she was nice and Yixing liked her a lot but he kept growing restless. He finally understood that he could never be happy unless he fully expressed himself.

And then Sehun happened. Yixing had of course known Junmyeon's brother, or at least he had known of him. They had never properly interacted because the two brothers had never been close - later on, Yixing realised that Junmyeon had simply been using Sehun as a sort of emotional crutch, bringing him up only to make himself feel better or to complain. As a consequence, although already a head taller than his brother, Sehun had grown up to be incredibly vulnerable and insecure. He had no friends apart from Tao Huang and Jongin Kim, and later also Chanyeol Park whose loud presence was hard to miss even for those who did not explicitly seek it.

Junmyeon told Yixing about Sehun after that summer the latter spent at the Christian camp; or rather - he told Yixing that Sehun had strayed and asked him to pray for his brother together. Yixing did something else instead – he approached Sehun, and kept approaching him time and time again despite the other boy’s discomfort and more and more blatant rejection. I didn’t think I could trust you, is what his boyfriend later told him and Yixing understood. In his place, he would not have trusted himself either. Not when he was this close to Junmyeon.

‘I’ll pick up my stuff and meet you downstairs in five?’ Sehun confirms as he leans in and joyously kisses Yixing before exiting the lift on the third floor and almost skipping in the direction of his room. The moment the automatic door closes, Yixing’s shadow of a smile falls.

His Sehun does not kiss in public; he can barely bring himself to hold hands when outside.

The older boy’s thoughts go back to that summer when they first got together. It did not surprise him, considering how quickly they became attached to each other once they had overcome their initial obstacles. It was easy to fall for Sehun, for his bashful stares and light chuckles. They had kept it a secret, just like the younger wanted which was not ideal, but Yixing was willing. Now he had another reason to stay by Junmyeon’s side, one that bound them for good, at least for the time being. Still deeply fond of his best friend, he nonetheless now knew where his loyalties truly lied.

Yixing leaves the lift and picks out the room key from the front pocket of his denims. His jacket is right where he threw it last night, carelessly on the bed that was once Junmyeon’s. He discards his uniform jacket and instead puts on the winter attire, grabbing his beanie and black wallet.

His gaze lands on the bed that the two shared just last night and he stills, recalling the unpleasant details. Sehun has been restless since Junmyeon’s departure, since the words that were thrown at him. He mumbles in his sleep, he wakes up and cries when he thinks nobody can hear him. Once or twice, still a guest in Yixing’s family home, he threw up.

Yixing has talked to Joohyun but she is now obviously too preoccupied with whatever she has going on with Seungwan Son. Because there is something going on with Seungwan Son, that much is certain. Yixing may not be talkative but he knows; it is hard not to notice when you pay attention to somebody as intensely as Yixing does her these days, trying to make her understand that Sehun needs help. Joohyun does take responsibility but she also frequently drifts away and Yixing is hopeless. Sehun does not want to listen to him, he does not want to accept counselling or even simply open up about that summer, clearly the source of his trauma.

Or at least, that was the situation up until barely the day before. Now it seems to have changed drastically. Now Sehun is… different, suddenly so cheerful, optimistic and totally unlike himself.

And this time Yixing really cannot help but conclude that something is very, very wrong.

A/N: So sorry for late updates but as my thesis submission approaches, I'm more and more tied up and when I do have some freedom, the inspiration doesn't always come. I shall try my best to update one more time before December because next month is going to be hell. Thank you for sticking around and do upvote if you liked. Cheers.