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She had never been suicidal; she was not one of those. She had always clang on to life a little too tightly and it gave her as much hope as it used to disgust her. She had felt at one point that she did everything half-heartedly – she could not even hate her own self enough.

Nonetheless, she had often been depressed. The year of her 14^th birthday specifically felt like 12 months, 365 days… 31536000 seconds from hell. She had felt each and single one of them acutely, because each and single one of them could potentially drag like eternity, depending on her mood. Seungwan’s depression had been like a wave. It had apparently never manifested itself clearly enough for Seungwan’s mother to ever believe it or permit medication, despite the psychologist’s utmost recommendation. No; Seungwan would go weeks without what she called episodes, being her usual cynical, if a bit coarse self. But deep inside, she would always feel empty – whether she was laughing at somebody’s joke or feeling nervous before her big Spanish presentation. It had always been there and it would normally take only a minute of hesitation or giving it attention to feed the sensation enough for it to overflow and consume the girl whole. She then would not leave the bed for the next few days. So she kept herself busy to fend it off. She had to.

Seungwan wonders if she did the right thing by promising to meet Joohyun in the chapel. She could still take it back; she could still just text the other, explaining that she had ultimately decided against sharing the story, finding it too personal. But something tells Seungwan that Joohyun is the right person to disclose the truth to and out of all of the singer’s friends, she is also the one that needs to hear it the most. Not only for Seungwan’s, but also for her own sake.

‘Seungwan, I don’t think that’s a good idea.‘

‘I’ve been meaning to tell someone. There just never seems to be the right time,’ the younger says, blinking sleepily. Joohyun frowns, momentarily distracted. ‘Maybe it’s time to just spill all my sins. Sins,’ she giggles briefly. ‘Get it?’ The older only sighs.

‘Seungwan, you will regret this in the morning. If none of your close friends know, then telling me is definitely not right. And especially not like this. You’re not thinking straight.’

‘But I want to tell you,’ the singer immediately cuts in, shaking her head in what resembles an uncoordinated dance movement. ‘You need to hear this story.’ Her voice sounds so muffled that the brunette does not even know whether she has heard the statement correctly.

‘Tell you what,’ Joohyun decides, standing up. Letting Seungwan proverbially bare her soul in such a way feels like breaching the trust that Joohyun has just managed to regain with such difficulty. Even if part of her feels inexplicably flattered. ‘If you still feel like talking to me about your old school, find me in the chapel after dinner tomorrow. I promise I’ll listen then.’

‘But-‘

‘I think I hear Yoona calling me. I should probably call a taxi for her, it’s getting late,’ Joohyun mumbles, meaning to stall, to get away just in case the younger girl really does try to corner her and deliver what would constitute the most uncomfortable and uncalled for confession, but when she turns around, Joohyun realises that there was no need for worrying – Seungwan Son is completely out, snoring softly as she lets her head hang awkwardly. The moment Joohyun detached herself from the other’s side, she must have dozed off.

Almost despite herself, Joohyun smiles at the sight.

Although none of the boys know the whole truth behind the girl’s transfer to Trent, it is also not something that concerns them directly. It is Seungwan’s story to share, she decisively nods to herself as she passes by the male dormitory on her way to the school chapel. She has missed dinner, begging Baekhyun Byun to come with and tutor her instead but strangely enough, Chanyeol has turned the offer down. She should have expected it, though, seeing how they parted ways in the morning – Seungwan just has no more energy to deal with the boy’s drama right now, but tomorrow’s a new day and it can probably wait till then.

Yes, Joohyun Bae should hear Seungwan’s story. She should understand once and for all just what hatred – and all the more self-hatred – can do to a person.

10 hours before

When the five bandmates with Yixing in tow arrive at school the following morning, the chaos erupts almost immediately. Junmyeon is standing at the gate, looking positively furious. Seungwan, who has not expected commotion this early on a Monday of all days, senses Sehun instinctively recoiling in himself and takes it upon herself to shield him from whatever it is that the older boy is planning. Joohyun is not with them and Seungwan has concluded that the object of her affections must have left the party at some point – probably when her cousin did - but seeing how Seungwan herself out in the yard, the details remain quite unclear. It is a miracle that drunk Tao had enough brains to drag her inside before the rest of them fell over, defeated by the mighty potency of local liquor.

‘Isn’t it too early for your bull crap, Junmyeon? Scram before I make you,’ Chanyeol barks out and everyone present, including his best friend, is taken aback by the obvious aggression in his voice. Chanyeol has not said a word since after the concert and come to think of it, he was nowhere to be found during the party.

‘I will murder you, Yixing,’ Junmyeon announces, completely ignoring the tall drummer for once. Poison drips from his words as he approaches, hissing, ‘After all of this, you even dare blackmail me?’

Yixing Zhang frowns, obvious tiredness and lack of comprehension marring his features as he replies,

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about. I really don’t.’ And although Seungwan is not privy to the current conflict between the two former best friends, it is hard not to believe the sincerity of his confusion. In fact, he looks positively pained. Junmyeon, however, is having none of that.

‘I told you that in confidence! Isn’t it enough that you’ve stabbed me in the back? Do you want to completely ruin me?!’ Junmyeon quickly becomes red in the face from all the effort not to scream out loud lest students passing them by on their way back from their weekend at home hear their exchange.

Seungwan stops paying attention the moment she notices Chanyeol splitting away from the group and marching in the direction of the dormitory. She gives Tao the look, to which the other boy only nods, finally stepping up to the task at hand. While the guitarist attempts to prevent another fast brewing fist fight, Seungwan breaks into a trek, catching up with the red head just before he disappears in the male-only building.

‘Just what did you do, Chanyeol Park?’ She demands to know, feeling the mostly cured hangover coming back with double strength. Somehow, it is not difficult to put two and two together and Chanyeol’s contribution to Junmyeon’s anger is self-revealing. At least for Seungwan it is.

The boy only snorts as he turns to look at her.

‘He got what he deserved,’ is all the drummer has to say for himself, but a strong grip on his wrist prevents him from further movement.

‘I’m afraid you’ll have to be a bit more specific than that, because Yixing right there is about to get another beating for something your arse did and is now running from,’ Seungwan replies sarcastically and that is when the other finally sighs deeply, letting the tension leave him altogether.

‘It’s complicated,’ he states, avoiding her gaze and she huffs, impatiently.

‘How complicated can it be? I’m guessing you’re blackmailing Junmyeon with something, on Sehun’s account. Something which, by the way, I told you to drop immediately. Do you still not understand how badly this can end for the temporary truce they have with that prick?’

‘Junmyeon is not a saint, on the contrary to his own belief. Him and Seulgi Kang are banging in the art room almost every night, how’s that for my answer?’ Chanyeol makes sure that nobody else hears him, but the person whom the words are directed to do, and it renders her speechless.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘The self-proclaimed president of The Purity Club suddenly not so pure, huh?’ Chanyeol momentarily forgets about the sour mood he was in as he beams at his friend in near delight.

‘How did you even… You’re not making this up, are you?’ Seungwan absentmindedly her lips as she makes sure, clear disbelief on her face.

‘Would he be so bloody mad out there if I were?’ There is no need to answer that, though. Seungwan sighs.

‘It’s still not right, and still most definitely not our business. Joohyun said she had it under control, too…’ Seungwan’s words mean to amicably scold Chanyeol, but instead, they aggravate him further as the boy immediately drops the pleasant façade and regards the shorter with a look of disdain.

‘Quite frankly, I still don’t fully trust your precious Joohyun,’ the drummer states categorically, denying Seungwan the chance to defend herself or the older girl. ‘I’ve been there for Sehun the entire time while she did what? She stood in line to the altar, praying for his eternal damnation.’

‘You’re being unfair now. People change, Chanyeol,’ the singer insists. The other gives her a pitying look.

‘People don’t change so rapidly, Seungwan. I tolerate her for both of your sake, but don’t think for a second I like this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a class to go to,’ he adds sarcastically, hastily rearranging the strap of his rucksack on his right shoulder.

‘Will you come to the tutoring with Baekhyun this afternoon?’ Seungwan shouts after him, to which Chanyeol turns around, suddenly looking like he has been slapped. Twice.

‘Most definitely not,’ he replies with might and then he is gone.

Seungwan does share some classes with Chanyeol that day, but he is mostly unresponsive. She lets him be, deciding that whatever is killing him inside is bound to be revealed in its own time. His attitude is obviously influenced by his own drama, but unnecessarily pushing him would only cause further damage, so it is better to just give the boy some space.

Seungwan drags her feet to the canteen after her History class, finding Joohyun already at their table. The older absentmindedly pushes around the food on her tray, while at the same time intently staring at the contents of a book in front of her. Upon closer examination, the book turns out to be a university prospectus.

‘What’s hanging?’ She asks casually, but she might as well have sneaked up on Joohyun with a knife, that’s how fast the latter closes the brochure, letting out a quiet gasp of surprise.

‘Nothing’s hanging, Seungwan,’ Joohyun replies, clearly forcing herself to remain casual about it, but she’s not fooling the younger. Seungwan grins.

‘Uh-huh. What are you hiding?’

‘I’m not hiding anything. It’s just a university prospectus. I’m still filling in my UCAS applications,’ Joohyun disregards the accusation, knocking on the cover to emphasise her point, before picking up her fork to finish the meal. Little carrots and cauliflower puree. Lovely.

The moment Joohyun lets her guard down, deeming herself safe, Seungwan grabs the book, eliciting an affronted sound of protest from the upperclassman. The brochure, whose spine has been broken in, naturally opens on the pages that Joohyun had been so engrossed in. A small, barely visible stain from the tomato sauce on one of the photos is another giveaway.

‘You’re going to be a lawyer?’ Seungwan asks, somewhat surprised, looking up at the other girl.

‘No,’ Joohyun denies, far too quickly for it to sound believable. Seungwan takes the answer in stride nonetheless.

‘Then what are you going to be?’

‘I’ll study theology,’ the response is equally decisive, if not automatic. Theology, huh.

‘What can you do after theology?’ Seungwan asks again, sceptically. She assumes that Joohyun can just serve God, like she always has, but even God does not drop money from heaven for nothing.

‘I can teach Religion at school.’

‘That sounds totally boring,’ Seungwan summarises her opinion in a single sentence, before getting up. ‘I’ll be right back, I’m gonna get food.’

When the singer comes back with her minced meat casserole dish, Joohyun looks just as deep in thought.

‘You don’t wanna study Jesus, do you,’ Seungwan observes after a longer while of lack of reaction from the older.

‘I like it, I think I’d be good at it. Teaching, I mean.’ Joohyun finally looks at her companion, giving her attention.

‘Yeah, yeah, but you don’t really want to do it, do you?’ Upon Seungwan’s urging, the brunette sighs.

‘What I would want is to have a choice. That’s all.’ Before the vocalist can ask for clarification, she adds, ‘What are you going to be, Seungwan?’

What is Seungwan going to be? She is embarrassed to admit, even in front of herself, that her plans do not reach that far. She will do what her mother tells her to; and not because she is a dutiful daughter, but because she does not want to be cut off from her funds for university. There is no love lost between her and her parents, but Seungwan is not naïve – or maybe passionate - enough to want to make it all on her own at the age of eighteen and without any education to speak for her. She’ll do her best to get through the degree that her mother chooses for her (which will most probably be Business and Management, because duh) and then, well. Whatever will be, will be.

She tells Joohyun that much, shrugging once.

‘I guess we don’t differ that much, then’ Joohyun sighs again, looking back down at her carrot and although it is a strange statement, Seungwan cannot disagree.

They eat in silence for a moment, before Joohyun looks up again.

‘Oh. Do you have any idea what was Junmyeon’s problem this morning?’ Seungwan looks at the other surprised.

‘You were there?’ Joohyun nods.

‘I saw him and your group of friends through the window, so I went down to check up on the situation.’

‘And he didn’t say anything to you?’

‘He went on and on about how betrayed he felt, but neither I nor Yixing have the slightest suspicion what he was referring to. The moment he realised that we were still clueless, he shut his mouth and walked away. But then Tao Huang mentioned that you and Chanyeol Park suddenly disappeared, so I thought that it was perhaps somehow connected…’

Seungwan hesitates for a split second, before replying coolly,

‘I’ve no idea. Your twin is totally barmy, even you have to admit it.’

Joohyun does not comment on the other’s words, merely taking another forkful of her puree. Seungwan feels mildly bad for withholding the information related to Junmyeon and Seulgi, but in all honesty, she does not know if Joohyun is privy to their scandalous business; and if she is not, how she would take it. Coupled with the fact that implicating the current Union president would mean implicating Chanyeol, Seungwan is just not ready for another drama tearing her social circle apart.

‘Ladies,’ both startle when Joy Park casually greets them, taking a seat next to Seungwan. Yerim Kim trails after her friend, awkwardly shuffling before finally settling on Joy’s left hand side. Seungwan has witnessed just how boisterous her roommate’s best friend can be when she’s in their room, so the singer can only assume that it is Joohyun’s presence that has made her considerably more timid.

‘Year 10 doesn’t have lunch break until 12?’ Seungwan’s expression of surprise sounds more like a question. But then again, if Joy Park is here then obviously there must be a valid reason for it and the vocalist does not want to come across as impertinent.

Too late, though, because Joy gives her a look of pity that makes Seungwan feel her IQ decrease by half.

‘Maths got cancelled. Mr. Frisley has a rash in a strange place that prevents him from functioning like a normal human being.’

‘I don’t wanna know how you know that,’ Seungwan interrupts quickly, while Joohyun only sits by the side, clearly bewildered.

‘Anyway, I just needed to tell you that there are a lot of new SHINee magazines arriving at our room tonight so if you see them at the reception desk, please bring them up. But don’t touch them,’ Joy warns in a tone that coming from anyone else, could be interpreted as a joke but it is Joy Park so Seungwan knows better. She only nods. ‘That would be all,’ her roommate announces and both younger girls leave without any further delay.

‘Right. Because I have nothing better to do than to salivate over dudes on the cover of her magazines…’ Seungwan snorts. Still quietly though, just in case.

‘Joy Park is an interesting kid,’ Joohyun observes, laughter bubbling up just below the surface of her voice. It seems that she has got over her initial shock.

‘Don’t let her catch you call her a kid,’ Seungwan replies, mockingly terrified.

‘Does she really spend all her free time on those indecently dressed boys on her walls..?’ Seungwan grins, taking in the discomfort in Joohyun’s words.

‘Just be thankful that you haven’t seen the inside of her wardrobe. The first time I accidentally opened it after she had moved in, I nearly got a heart attack. Never in a million years had I thought that I’d be forced to live with the most heteroual, hormonal teen girl I’ve ever met. My previous roommate was not gay, but at least she was sane.’

Joohyun does not have a response to that, but judging by the redness quickly spreading on her cheeks, it is not that hard to image what kind of poster adorns Joy Park’s furniture.

‘Hey, Joohyun.’ The singer hesitates for a moment, biting her lower lips absentmindedly in the process. There’s something that she has always wanted to know, so even if it might hurt a little, now seems to be as good a time to ask. It has just been on Seungwan’s mind for far too long. ‘So… what kind of guys do you fancy?’

‘I beg your pardon?’ Joohyun blushes even more than it is humanly possible.

‘I mean, I’m just curious. You picked Yixing to be your date for the picnic, is it because you like them dark and tall or…?’ Seungwan is short and blue. Not to mention the obvious lack of male ia.

‘Uh… I’m… At that time I just thought of him because he was sort of there… So… uh, this is uncomfortable,’ she admits, hoping that Seungwan would spare her, but when it comes to Seungwan Son, Joohyun’s prayers are very rarely answered.

‘So what’s your type? Rough and manly or delicate but passionate? Or maybe a silent dude that only has eyes for you?’

‘I really don’t know. I’ve never given it any real thought,’ Joohyun admits, still looking bothered. She looks everywhere but at her companion.

‘If you don’t wanna talk about it, you can just tell me and I’ll back off,’ Seungwan assures, albeit regrettably. The tiny masochistic part of her needs to know just what it is that she is up against.

‘No, really,’ the older insists, trying to make the other understand that it is more than just brushing her off. ‘I really don’t remember one time when I seriously thought about boys like that. That’s always been Seulgi. As children, we would sit in my room and she would tell me all about the dream wedding that her dolls would have, and the dress that she herself wanted to wear when her big day came. Later on, it was her school crushes… that good-for-nothing Jeremy Cho that broke her heart… until she confessed to me that she had feelings for Junmyeon and they became a couple in year 11.

But… I don’t know. I just never saw myself doing those things,’ her tone becomes hushed as she explains her attitude, still a bit reluctant to share. ‘Confessing feelings. I just knew that one day I should marry somebody, a Christian boy, and then I will have children. So… There’s that.’

Seungwan considers the words for a moment, before smiling in disbelief.

‘So what did you dream about, if not white weddings?’

‘Ah…’ Joohyun giggles quietly in embarrassment. ‘I wanted to become a pastor.’ Seungwan shoots her a strange look to which the older girl finally laughs out loud. ‘I was seven, I could not comprehend why it was not possible for girls to become one. I wanted to help people and I figured that being in charge of a parish would be the first step. Father always left me behind, though; he would always ask Junmyeon to serve at the altar…’

‘So now you want to be a lawyer,’ Seungwan states a matter-of-factly and Joohyun has enough decency not to deny again. She lowers her head as she replies,

‘It’s just something that I find interesting; I know that my parents will never approve. It’s just that recently so many things happened, and I saw Sehun trying to find his own way against all odds and I just felt… I wondered what it would be like to not listen to anyone but myself for once.’

‘You can still do that,’ Seungwan encourages but Joohyun shakes her head.

‘Let’s not talk about it anymore.’

When Seungwan thinks that it is going to be the end of their conversation, Joohyun continues,

‘So what’s your type, then?’ The singer frowns as she replies,

‘I told you that my encounters were a one-time only special. I’m not into dudes. Not even platonically.’ Joohyun flinches only a little at the crude choice of words, but she is already accustomed to the vocabulary that her brother and his social circle choose to articulate themselves with.

‘I mean, your type of girls.’

‘Are you sure you’re up for that kind of discussion?’

‘If you can ask me about my ideal type then I can ask you about yours. Isn’t that what friends do?’ Although mildly flustered, the brunette still defends her point of view.

‘I don’t know. Do they?’ Seungwan laughs and Joohyun ends up chuckling, too. The latter nervously puts a loose strand of hair behind her ear, before adding,

‘You don’t have to reply if you don’t feel like it’s appropriate.’

‘Nope, no problems here. So far the females I have fallen for… were on the shorter side,’ Seungwan squints her eyes as she recounts. ‘They looked cold on the outside, but had incredibly warm eyes. They initially rubbed me the wrong way only to shake my world upside down. Many a time, they made me regret my feelings but I would come back for more, anyway. One left me heart-broken, yet still incredibly thankful. As for the other one… only time will tell.’

The two of them look at each other intently and Seungwan thinks that she notices sparks of recognition in Joohyun’s eyes, so she quickly averts her own. She then stands up, picking up her tray.

‘I have to prepare for my next class. I will… I will see you in the chapel tonight, yeah?’ Joohyun only nods, letting the younger go ahead.

Talking about Sunyoung will not be easy, but perhaps it is time to let somebody else in on the secret. Maybe then Seungwan will also get a closure.

A/N: One sorry is for the big delay. Another sorry is for this ridiculous cliffhanger. I promise it will be resolved in the next chapter, within the next two weeks.