Her lids lowered and she stared at the ground. A sad smile pulled her lips up.

“I don’t know why I always cared so much,” Namjoo started. “My heart is always doing what I don’t want it to. When we went to Incheon, the guys knew everything, didn’t they? I know it was planned and I didn’t say anything, even when it made me feel like dirt.” Tears slid down her face. “And I lied just to have you. It would be ok, I told myself. It would be ok.” She shook her head as she sobbed. “It wasn’t ok. I took you from her. I was wrong and made everything a lie. Maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it was an unhealthy obsession. Everything’s just meaningless now. What happened to me? What did I do? I ruined you.”

Namjoo rubbed her face than ran her hand up her hair. “We’re so pathetic.” Tossing her head back she drained the rest of her glass. “Oh, I’m so tired now. I have a headache.” Glancing at him, “I want a glass of water.”

Whether he was witnessing her in the process of finally going crazy or not, he didn’t know where to begin with what he wanted to say. He just knew that he loved her to the last drop of his blood, and didn’t want her to hurt anymore.

“All right,” he promised, “I’ll get you some water.”

Standing up he went into the kitchen to pour her a glass of water. When he returned Namjoo had disappeared. The front door was well closed, so that meant she hadn’t walked out. Hurrying up the stairs he looked for her in their bedroom. Maybe she had crawled into bed. She wasn’t there. He checked the nursery. Namjoo wasn’t there either. His last option was the guest room they never got started on. The door was closed and locked. It was never locked.

Jiggling the doorknob, he called out, “Namjoo! Open the door! Namjoo!”

She never replied. Never came to the door.

Knocking profusely, he leaned against it in hopes of hearing her inside. It was silent. He couldn’t even hear her crying. What if she had done something to herself? Worry overwhelmed him with all worse scenarios.

Pounding on the door, “Open the door dammit! Namjoo!”

Heaving a sigh of frustration, he tried the knob again, hoping to break it somehow. It was sturdy. Sliding to the ground he pulled out his phone and pulled out a list of how to pick a lock. He couldn’t believe he was doing something so ridiculous, but he now realized desperation really did drive one to the edge. It took him nearly half an hour to figure out what kind of door lock the door had before figuring out how to pick it open. Rushing to and fro he grabbed some of Namjoo’s hair clips and began working on the task at hand. He failed nearly five times before the door propped open. Letting out a yelp of victory he got up from the ground.

Calm washed over him and next to that was relief but plundering grief with love for her. On the ground Namjoo lay asleep looking lonely and abandoned. It must have taken a lot for her to finally speak to him the way she had earlier. Had it drained so much of her energy just to sit with him?

He quietly kneeled down beside her unsure whether to touch her. It pained him so much to see her like this.

“Namjoo,” he called in hopes of waking her, “why are you here? Go sleep in bed.”

She didn’t stir. He hesitantly reached out to touch her shoulder. Namjoo never budged. In the end, he lifted her up and carried her down the hall to the bedroom where he lay her down. She settled into her spot with ease and let out a sigh. Whatever she was dreaming he hoped it was a pleasant one.

Moving around as quietly as possible he searched for her makeup remover cloths. Once found he began to gently remove her makeup pausing whenever she moved. After finishing he looked for her pajamas. She would be uncomfortable sleeping in her work clothes. He wanted her to sleep well. Namjoo was deadweight while he removed her clothes and pulled her pajamas on. It took him a total hour and a half to complete everything before knocking out beside her. When he woke up the next morning Namjoo was gone from his bedside.

Sehun hoped she was downstairs and in a happier mood. She wasn’t in the kitchen either. He stood there among the emptiness and turned when the front door opened. Reaching the kitchen entryway, he saw her walking his way with coffee and breakfast.

“I woke up early and thought we could have breakfast for once,” Namjoo said as she passed. “Sit down. There are some things I want to say.”

He pivoted to watch her but didn’t move from where he stood. Nervousness shot through him. Namjoo was talking to him at last…but there had to be a reason why. She set out their food patiently and sat down to wait for him. Left with no choice, Sehun moved toward the table.

“Last night, I must’ve caused some trouble for you.”

He sat there quietly trying to figure her out. Out of the blue Namjoo seemed to have made a 360 degree turn.

“Why are you acting like this?” Sehun asked.

Namjoo looked at him. Her eyes were no longer icy. They were melancholic, somber.

“I’m seeing a therapist,” she confessed. “I can’t talk to you the way I used to anymore. I realized that.”

His heart ached.

“I’m still the same, I’m trying…”

“I know,” Namjoo said. “I can’t do it anymore, Sehun.”

Who would have thought that hearing her say his name for the first time since the accident would pain him so endlessly? He almost choked up because hearing her call his name finally meant something.

Her hands disappeared from the tabletop and a moment later she placed her ring down. “I admit that I’m wrong and I did something that we can never change. I didn’t just lie. I took you from the woman you loved and stopped you from experiencing something you could have had, and you wouldn’t be so miserable right now. I used my feelings to corner and tie you down. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I lost the baby. I’ve been putting you in a rough spot lately, so I’ve been thinking about a few things.

“To be honest, it’s hard for me to think of you as my husband. Us being like this is burdensome. Sometimes, it feels like I don’t know you – and that’s not to say it’s your fault. So, if I go too far away I don’t think we’d ever see each other again and I don’t like that possibility. We grew up together. I’ve known you my whole life, so pretending you’re a stranger on the street isn’t something I can do. Lets just think that we made a mistake. I can forgive you for everything, so lets go back to the beginning.”

She appeared so earnest it was even more difficult for him to digest what she was saying. It hurt a million times over, because it wasn’t like that at all. He wanted to hold the title husband. They had come so far after a few rough starts. He didn’t regret it. Yet he couldn’t say anything. His throat constricted and gently burrowed his fingers into the table to hug the ring on his hand. He didn’t want to take it off. He didn’t want them to take time off. They could get better; they would get better. If only…

“We can just live like we’re roommates, have fun, and laugh together, go bike riding and play games like we always did. I miss that. In the end, I’ll tell our parents it just didn’t work out.” Holding his eyes, she softly asked, “How about it?”

“I’m sorry, Namjoo,” his voice cracked and his eyes watered, “I hurt you a lot, didn’t I?”

Her lips slightly curled up into a smile.

“I didn’t regret marrying you,” Sehun told. “Honestly, at first it was a little hard. We were friends and it just felt like we’d be that forever, so I couldn’t see you any differently. We did change a little when we got married, but I was happy.”

His lips trembled when tears finally slid down and he saw her shed a tear too.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” his voice broke.

“I know,” she nodded tearfully.

“For breaking promises, for lying, and being dishonest…I’m sorry,” he lowered his head. “But I,” his voice shook, “don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be just your friend. I want to be your husband, your soulmate, your accompaniment, your partner in crime, and your best friend. Don’t leave me, Namjoo.”

Breaking down into tears he covered his face.

Pulling himself together he looked at her, “I love you as my friend, as my family, without meaning, and as my significant other.”

He bit his lower lip when Namjoo covered his hand with hers. The touch was warm, tender, and it moved him a thousand miles.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she promised, but her words still tore his heart up.

That was the beginning of his end. Namjoo moved out of their bedroom and into the guest room. By the end of the week a bed would be shipped to their house and they would be nothing but roommates. They would go back to being friends…just best friends like they used to be.

It might work for Namjoo but it was a nightmare for him. He missed her insanely even when they were in the same room. He yearned to curl his fingers through hers and have her close, but friends didn’t do that. He just wished Namjoo could go back to being his wife.

He loved her.

§§§§§

It was morning, bright and early. Someone was already in the kitchen and eagerly packing lunch for the day. Namjoo walked in to see food steaming on the stove and another bunch of snacks packed and ready to go on the counter. It was their first trip since getting married, since the accident, and since they transitioned back to friends. And it was their first trip together alone.

“What is all this?” she wondered walking up to the food and having a taste.

“No! Don’t!” he ran after her to pull her spoon away. “These are for later, eat that.” he pointed to the leftovers from last night on the table which consisted of cold pizza.

“I don’t want to,” she refused. “We won’t finish all this food anyway.”

“They’re for others there as well,” Sehun shoved her out of the way. She made a face at him and retreated to the table. Sitting down she grabbed the cold pizza and took a bite.

They set off for Bukhansan National Park an hour later. Her arm was still bandaged and like usual, Sehun didn’t allow her to do much. Along the drive Sehun played an old band they enjoyed listening to in their youths. She leaned out enjoying the breeze with her fingers dancing in the wind as they both sung along to the soundtracks.

Ever since her proposal she felt lighter. She still saw her therapist weekly. The first day she met her therapist and shed out of her bare skin Namjoo gained the courage she desperately needed. She was human after all. Going down didn’t mean she couldn’t go back up. It took time and will take time to be a happier person. She was still working on it.

Part of her was still upset with the Sehun during marriage but she was letting it go not for him but for herself. All this anger, all the despair only hurt her trapping her into a state of darkness. Treating him like the person he was before as well as who she was previously might help improve their relationship and the quality of her life. It was a process. Nothing would come without pain regardless which direction she took. There would always be hurdles and regret wherever she went, but even if she had decided to go left the same amount of pain would have waited. Namjoo just had to push through. Life was like that.

Sehun pained, but she couldn’t bear it for him. She had her own weight to carry and he couldn’t help with that. Everything was an individual battle, but she was no longer the lone light bulb in a dark room. Other lights had worked to light up the room for her. Whatever force had broken them and led them here were lessons to learn. Namjoo was willing to accept the consequences, because she was forever learning to become a happier person.

After a few hours of a long drive they finally arrived at the national park. Pulling everything out of their trunk they started their way up. Sehun’s backpack consisted of the rest of the food and water while hers had napkins, utensils, and a mat for them to sit on. Their hike up consisted of comments about the view and complaints about how much further they had to go. No more than two hours later they stopped by some humongous rocks to rest and eat.

“We should have sat under a shade,” Sehun complained wiping his sweat away. “I can’t tell if I’m drinking water anymore.”

Namjoo made a disgusted face at him then continued to eat her way through her food. A satisfied gasp dropped from her lips as she stood and stretched. It was nice out. The sky stretching beyond miles to no end, nature being its own beauty, and animals freely showing themselves. They were alone here and it felt like the world belonged to no one else at the moment. It was refreshing. Namjoo took a deep whiff of the cool, clean air and exhaled with a smile. Down below foliage overwhelmed the earth. Rocks seemed to create a maze in distorted patterns dangerously, but it was all a beautiful sight. The world was plenty sharp but still held its grace.

“It’s like a mirage here,” Namjoo commented. “I should take a picture.”

“You might fall, be careful,” Sehun eyed her from behind while sipping on his bottle of water.

Too occupied with capturing the sight the earth beheld Namjoo ignored him.

“Looks nice,” she praised herself as she went through the pictures taken.

“You know what else looks nice?” Sehun asked finally standing alongside her.

Peering at him from out of the corner of her eye she said, “Shut up.”

“Me.” He glanced at her with a grin. Namjoo snorted and belatedly laughed.

Together, they stood there bathing in calming silence. Birds chirped, singing noisily around them. The rustling of leaves from nearby was a sign of rabbits scurrying around. Overhead, white clouds rolled by. This was peace.

Namjoo about made a comment that it felt like they were in a movie but Sehun spoke first. “It’s my last day at work this Friday.”

She turned to look at him. Sehun was gazing into the distance, his arms locked behind him. He looked troubled yet at the same time pleased.

“I was offered a position near Inje but I don’t want to go too far from home,” Sehun explained. “I’ll be unemployed for a while. That’s ok with you, right?”

She felt sympathy and sad for him when their eyes met. She honestly didn’t know, hadn’t been caught up with his life lately. Transitioning from a married couple back to mere friends had been most on her mind that she’d forgotten he was an independent.

Nodding with a comforting smile, “Yea.”

§§§§§

Sometimes Namjoo felt more like a wife than just his friend. On some instances, she might have food ready for him to eat, his clothes washed, and waiting for him to return home while reading a book. During those times, she so easily shrugged it off that it seemed like she felt like nothing. Other times she was the friend who asked about work and wanted to punch whomever was spreading rumors. He was happy nonetheless.

Sehun had no complaints all except for when they split up to sleep. He missed her presence beside him and hearing her breathe. It was so lonesome that sometimes he just didn’t sleep at all. Sometimes, he would wander the hallways at night wondering if Namjoo was sleeping. If she woke up in the middle of the night he’d tell her he had a nightmare and make her stay up with him. It only happened once.

That Friday he finally left work once and for all. He didn’t see Seona as he walked out. No one saw him out. It may have been a mistake getting employed here and he was constricted between regretting it or not. Seona had worsened things and maybe she had improved things between him and Namjoo. And if not for the ex he may have never realized what truly lay inside his heart.

All he wanted now was to return home and relax. He planned to prepare for the semester that would resume in a month. In the meantime, he would lay back and let nature take its course. Perhaps, he might get in contact with Lee Chul and ask about some internships.

Namjoo wasn’t home when he got in. He wandered the house after getting a glass of cold water. Then he went upstairs and pushed open the guest room Namjoo had occupied. It was bare and empty. No decorations. No pictures. She really just slept there like that without anything to remind her of him. Closing the door, he traveled down the hallway and stopped in front of the nursery. Neither of them had gone in for weeks now. It was like a forbidden room hidden somewhere deep in the forest. Even mentioning the baby was like taboo. Did Namjoo think about the baby like he often did? Were there times she also wondered how their life would have turned out if she never had the accident? Would they be happy, excited parents? And would they have grown closer as a couple?

Sehun wholeheartedly wished the answer to all those questions was a yes, because they deserved to be happy. They were always supposed to be happy.

§§§§§

Namjoo returned late that evening. He already had dinner prepared and was just waiting for her. She arrived with a box and a bag of wine.

“Look what I got you,” she beamed. He watched her set the cake onto the counter and pull it out of the box. The words on the cake read “Congratulations on being Unemployed!”

He glanced from the cake to her with flat eyes, “Really?”

“You don’t like it?”

“I just want the cake, not the writing,” he said taking the cake over to the dinner table. “And what’s with the wine?”

“To celebrate!” Namjoo exclaimed excitedly pulling the wine out of the bag. “It’s originally ninety-five dollars but I got it on sale for forty. Isn’t that nice?”

He made a face, “Drink that after you eat.”

They chatted happily and downed half of her wine before calling it a night. After washing dishes together, they headed up the stairs in jolly moods. Right before entering his room he turned around intending to bid her good night but instead the words flowed out, “Good night. I love you.”

***Namjoo is reflecting on herself. Even if she may have been the one most hurt from everything that happened, it's true that she caused it by taking Sehun away from Seona and that in itself is unjust. She admitted her wrongs. Sehun has put his cards down on the table as well, but this isn't what he expected. Now they're at the supposedly "beginning" but not really there because they actually love each other in a romantic sense (which in the first place only Namjoo did but Sehun didn't), so they've gone back but not really back - if you get what I mean. Their relationship just has to improve again, because it's not like Namjoo isn't opening up. She has opened up, but they've yet to get back on the same page.

***For me, the scene at the table is the most important part of this chapter. It shows that they're putting effort into maintaining their relationship (not status quo by the way). Namjoo apologized, Sehun apologized. They admitted their mistakes, and this is something they've never done from step 1. In fact, they did make plenty mistakes. They got married too early, it was too rushed, and throughout marriage their relationship just kept crumbling. They really weren't ready for the baby they were having. Namjoo was breaking down, she was depressed and stressed to the point she was losing herself and Sehun's just hanging on and doesn't know what to do. They needed this talk and I must add, desperately.