§§§§§

They were super shy with each other the next morning. Her stomach boiled with happy anxiety when Sehun placed food onto her plate. Then they said farewell to his parents, his mother promising again, with a hug, to come back up to help with the wedding preparations.

“What are you doing today?” following her up the stairs Sehun stopped by her bedroom door. “You’re not starting at Yunyeong’s yet, are you?”

“No,” she replied by her door, nervously looking at him. She wanted to stand closer to him, breathe his air. Could they spend the day together again and end the night with another kiss?

“Really?” he asked with a relieved smile. “Then…do you want to go biking?”

Namjoo’s eyes lit up. “Ok.”

They did. Half the day was spent by the refreshing river simply biking and taking breaks to sit and enjoy the view. They didn’t kiss that night, but being able to soak in Sehun’s eyes was more than enough to have her heart fluttering as she slept. Knowing he was next door, knowing that he was thinking of her eased the bit of nervousness in her.

Yunyeong called the next morning. She wanted to meet up. Namjoo couldn’t decline. She also wanted to tell her friend about her big news.

At the knock on her door Sehun asked, “You want to go grocery shopping?”

“Oh…um, actually, Yunyeong and I have plans,” Namjoo told and couldn’t help but feel guilty. Hoping to have some time with Sehun she chirped, “But we can go quickly.”

“It’s fine,” he smiled. “You go on ahead.”

Namjoo wanted to say something more but Sehun already walked away. There was something about his expression that looked troubled. He would talk to her if something was on his mind, right? Namjoo truly wasn’t sure. They had been on good terms and nothing beat the fact that they were getting married. Yet, a voice dreadfully echoed at the far back of her mind.

§§§§§

Yunyeong was waiting for her at their usual coffee spot. The friend looked pretty and cheery. Namjoo joined her with a grin and immediately took the drink that had been ordered for her.

“So what’s been going on?” Yunyeong asked. “Sehun called me the other night. He sounded frantic.”

“What night?” Namjoo raised a brow. She didn’t know Sehun had called Yunyeong. “What are you talking about?”

“That’s why I’m asking you,” Yunyeong restated.

Innocently laughing Namjoo said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I have something to tell you.”

Yunyeong observed her carefully through the slit of her eyes, “What’s so good that you don’t even want to listen to me?”

Leaning over Namjoo touched her arm, “What are you talking about? Of course I listen to you.”

Her friend scoffed. “So what is it you want to say?”

Sitting up Namjoo settled her hands on her lap and tried not to explode with laughter because she was too overjoyed. “Sehun and I are getting married.”

Yunyeong’s jaw dropped open before screaming, “What?!”

Sinking into the dreamy euphoria floating through her veins Namjoo repeated, “I’m getting married. To Sehun.”

Her friend’s expression twisted into incredulity then disbelief. Asking doubtfully, “You’re serious?”

“Why would I lie?”

Yunyeong ran eyes over Namjoo then said, “Doesn’t he have a girlfriend? What…why are you two getting married out of the blue? Does he realize he loves you now?”

“It just happened,” was the best answer Namjoo could provide.

“Then, congrats,” Yunyeong offered a sincere smile then couldn’t help but wonder, “did he break up with his girlfriend?”

The real obstacle to everything shot an arrow into the wall of happiness. Reality was so dire. A dark cloud rose over her. Namjoo had been trying to forget that. Firmly pressing lips together, she couldn’t help but bite down on her teeth.

“Probably not.”

Yunyeong’s brows grew closer. “Namjoo…”

“I know,” Namjoo glanced at her friend apologetically with plead in her eyes. “I’m bad, but I still want Sehun. Seona…Seona is just a passing wind in his life when I’ve been here permanently. How can he be with her, right?” Namjoo felt her eyes tremble with the fear of losing him.

She sounded pathetic, pitiable. Sehun didn’t make up the world, he wasn’t the only person alive. Namjoo knew she was being desperate and it wasn’t a pretty sight to see. Saying she couldn’t help it wasn’t the best excuse to use either. What could she do? No matter how hard she tried she just couldn’t stop liking him.

“I’m not scolding you,” Yunyeong gently said. Touching Namjoo’s hand she went on softly, “I’m afraid you’ll get hurt. Because I know he’s important to you, you’ll let him walk over you. You’re not very strong, you know.”

To destroy the self-pity Namjoo laughed but it made her feel sadder for some reason. “Are you telling me I’m pathetic?”

Smiling with warmth Yunyeong shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Sehun kissed me, you know,” Namjoo told, part of her hoping it would alleviate Yunyeong’s pending concern. “Doesn’t that mean something?”

“You like him too much,” Yunyeong stated. “Don’t.”

“You’re just jealous I like someone when you don’t,” Namjoo playfully jabbed Yunyeong’s belly.

“What the hell!” Yunyeong shrieked and they laughed. Reaching over she snatched Namjoo’s coffee, “I’m taking this back.”

“Hey!” Namjoo whined as they playfully teased each other, but she knew…she knew deep down that Yunyeong was right. Under all circumstances, this situation was to her advantage and because she was at fault, because she felt apologetic she would end up being too lenient with Sehun.

That would be her downfall…

§§§§§

He had grabbed all that Namjoo’s mother had asked for from the grocery store. Five minutes passed since he got back to the car. Still sitting in the driver seat of the borrowed car he stared at his phone.

20 calls and 55 text messages. Every time Seona had called Sehun lacked the courage to pick up. He couldn’t even read her text messages.

Guilt.

Guilt.

Guilt.

“You’re a jerk,” Chul spat. “You have a girlfriend whom you haven’t gotten rid of, and you say you’re marrying Namjoo? On what basis are you marrying her? You love her?” the guy scoffed. “You’re really funny. You take pride in being a guy who has it all, two women, one on each side.”

Lee Chul, the class president of his class in high school, was right from every angle. Always the smartest of the bunch. He was smart even now.

What a pain in the .

Sighing, Sehun threw his head back against the head rest. He was going to marry Namjoo. It wasn’t a bad thing, it really wasn’t. But Hwang Seona…what should he do about her? She was his first woman, his first ever crush, the only one person who sent his heart racing. How could he have the guts to go up to her and tell her he was getting married to his best friend? How insane was that?

To right everything Sehun already knew what to do, but he didn’t have the courage. Still a coward, still afraid.

The phone rang. Seona’s name with a heart showed up on his screen. Shutting eyes, Sehun bit his lower lip. Then he sighed before finally picking up to hear her voice on the other side, recalling how being near her made him intensely shy. It was she who had given him the experience of a first love. In every way she was special and would forever be unforgettable. The first few moments with his girlfriend had been nerve wrecking. Those moments had been a blessing and he should have cherished them more. Sehun would never forget feeling that way.

Seona opened the door for him half an hour later. During the drive to her new apartment Sehun had tried rehearsing what he might say to her. Really, he didn’t know what to say or where to begin. He was a failure as a lover, having broken the promises made to the one special person.

Boxes sat atop each other around her place still needing unpacking. Sehun should have helped with it. He should have been here a few days ago when she moved in.

He hadn’t.

Instead, he had been the unreliable boyfriend.

“Would you like some water?” Seona asked.

“I’m fine,” Sehun answered. He was still standing by the door where her shoe rack had been set up, afraid that if he went further in he might forget why he’d come. Just yesterday he’d spent the day with another person. The night before that he had experienced romantic feelings for his best friend. Hwang Seona had been alone all this time when he’d had Namjoo with him.

He was the worst person ever.

“Why don’t you sit down?” Seona asked, hope gleaming in her eyes to have him stay.

“No,” he interjected when she began leading him toward her living room.

It was so heavy. The guilt, the remorse.

Seona glanced at him with concern and it felt like she knew something was wrong. She still smiled, hoping it would ward off anything bad. To start she asked, “Where did you come from? Oh, right, you’ve moved out? How did it go?”

His eyes searched the wooden floorboards all shiny and washed. If he could clean himself like it he would have done so, but there was so long to go. Righting everything he had caused was so hard. He had forgotten that in order to do that he would have to sacrifice something else. When he first came to the solution to the crisis at home, he had forgotten to think about Seona.

He was horrible. He didn’t deserve her.

“What Taihee said,” he couldn’t look at her, “everything was a lie.”

“Sehun,” Seona patiently tried.

“It was a lie,” Sehun restated. Ashamed and flushed by embarrassment he felt his thoughts scatter like a swarm of ants stealing into a house for food. “That night it was me.” He could feel her eyes his soul. His heart sped up. The pain of what he was doing spread forth through him at incredible velocity.

“No, Sehun,” Seona tried to hold him.

“It was me,” Sehun repeated finally looking into her eyes. “It was me. That night…it was me with Namjoo.”

The heart she had worn on her sleeve for him broke on her face. The worst punishment yet was seeing tears flood down her face. He could no longer see himself in her eyes, couldn’t bring himself to hug her because he was sorry. A sob of heartbreak bellowed out of loudly. How was she supposed to react to his awful confession?

“It’s a lie. It isn’t what happened,” Seona denied. Looking up into his eyes pleadingly, “Right? It isn’t what happened.” Shaking him, “Tell me the truth.”

“Lets break up.” Sehun forced the words out.

The silence grew deathly.

Breaking emotions turned for the worse when Seona grasped his shoulders, “It’s ok. It was just a mistake. I can forget it. We can forget it.” Quickly wiping her tears Seona straightened up, “You’re still Sehun. Nothing is different.” Personality changing at 360 degrees, she asked, “Would you like to eat something?”

Sehun stared at her with astonishment. He couldn’t believe what was happening, what he’d just heard. “I’m getting married. I can’t do this.”

Her lips trembled even when she pressed them together. “It’s ok. I still want you.”

Bitten by shock Sehun couldn’t find the words to say. He grew even more guilty. What had he done?

Crying again Seona reluctantly let go of him, “Go. I’ll see you at work anyway, so go for now.”

Frozen, he stood there as she opened the door for him.

§§§§§

“He’s not back yet?” her mother asked from the kitchen sink where she was washing green onions.

Searching the street through the window by the door Namjoo shook her head, “I don’t see him.”

“Maybe the list I gave him was too difficult. You should have gone with him,” her mother said. Namjoo glanced back at her mother then back to the window. She should have gone with Sehun instead of heading out to meet up with Yunyeong. “Now I have to make something completely different for lunch.” Her mother said. “What are you doing? You’re not going to help me?”

“Oh…ok, I’m coming,” Namjoo stepped away from the window and turned to look back out the street.

Sehun missed lunch. He didn’t pick up her calls.

Troubled, Namjoo paced around the living room. Once in a while she sat down fitfully. Five minutes later she would be up on her feet and staring out the kitchen window. Then finally, midway through dinner Sehun walked through the door with bags hanging off his arms. Namjoo immediately rushed over to him.

“Are you ok?” she asked worriedly.

“I’m fine,” he replied. Looking at her mom he apologized, “I’m sorry I took a while. An emergency came up with a friend, so I wasn’t able to come home earlier.”

“Is your friend all right?” her mother asked with concern. As Sehun nodded in reply Namjoo discovered herself closely observing his expression. Something was amiss in those eyes of his. He felt aloof, not the same man who had affectionately been with her yesterday and the day before.

Maybe Oh Sehun didn’t know, but he was a book to her.

Passing it off because she didn’t want to say anything in front of her parents she suggested, “Why don’t you go sit down? I’ll get some plates out for you.”

Dinner ended simply. The atmosphere with her parents was jolly per usual. Namjoo joined their chatter, but within she was completely aware of Sehun’s distant nature. A bad feeling sunk through her.

She didn’t follow him up right away because she helped with dishes. When she finally made it upstairs Sehun wasn’t in his room. The shower was running and ran for a long time. Namjoo ended up sitting around in her room for about an hour until she heard the door open and Sehun’s recognizable footsteps exit the washroom. Quickly throwing her phone aside she leapt toward her door and glanced down the hallway to see his retreating back. Without saying anything he closed the door to his room. Not once did he look her way.

Left feeling unsettled Namjoo gave up and took a shower and brushed her teeth. When she stepped out of the bathroom she peered at Sehun’s door. What was he thinking about? Where had he been for so long earlier?

These questions and the curiosity pounding her mind were too heavy. She only wanted him to look at her, think of her, dream of her. She would be his wife, after all. Would it solve anything if they got married?

In truth, maybe not. Namjoo could face the harsh reality of it. Getting married would just change the status of their relationship, slightly alter their responsibility to each other but it wouldn’t do anything. What was in Sehun’s heart…would she ever be able to reach it?

“You like him too much,” Yunyeong stated. “Don’t.”

Even so…even so…Namjoo wanted to be with Sehun. Being with him made her happy. She wanted to love him in ways no one could.

Garnering courage she reached for his doorknob. It was unlocked. Heart thumped as she poked her head in. The lights were on. Sehun was at his desk and turned to look her way. His expression didn’t change; still looking aloof and troubled.

“Are you ok?” she worriedly asked again.

Quietly glancing at her he then turned away to stare at the wall ahead, lowered his head, then turned back to her. Conscience-stricken, he admitted, “I went to see Seona earlier.”

That was it. The reality that Namjoo feared. Her heart plunged down to her feet, her feelings becoming nothing of importance at the moment. Remaining calm she chose not to say anything, because she didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry but could you leave me alone for a while?”

She did that. She left him alone. For a long portion of the night she didn’t sleep a wink.