§§§§§

The pain still lingered but it couldn’t be any more visible than the red on his cheek. As he sat there unfocused at his desk all he could hear inside his head was Namjoo’s admanant and desperate screaming for him to release her. Had she wanted to leave him that badly?

Stressed, he sighed and rubbed his face. Sleep had been difficult. Waiting all night in the living room staring at the door turned his eye bags dark by morning. He couldn’t even eat breakfast or have his cup of coffee. Now he was just tired. He wanted to walk out of work and go wait for Namjoo at the river. He wanted to believe with his all that she would come that afternoon.

The door opened and Seona walked in with a tiny paper bag. He stared at the pharmacy name printed across the bag in big bold letters when she set it down. Irritation struck him like lightning.

“Did you and Namjoo have a fight?” she asked. “It looks like it really hurts. I can’t believe she would do this.”

Her delicate fingers moved forward to touch his cheek but Sehun moved back. A pit of fire grew in his chest. How many times had Seona touched his phone to get Namjoo’s number just to attack her? How many times had Seona answered when Namjoo called? He was the stupid one. Such a fool.

“Leave,” Sehun muttered.

“Let me put this on first,” Seona reached into the bag for the ointment she had purchased.

“Sehun was with me last night.”

When Sehun thought about the text Namjoo had received he shot to his feet. Arm flew out to shove the pharmacy bag off his desk. Seona flinched but looked at him innocently bewildered.

“I’m warning you, Seona,” Sehun growled, “leave.”

“Sehun, what’s wrong?” Seona asked.

Breath shook as he inhaled. Turning to the side he traced a hand up his face and into his hair. He was so frustrated. Was she really going to be like this? Feigning innocence while knowing it all? Seona wasn’t a simpleton. She was a smart educated woman. He was confident she knew what was going through his mind.

“Are you happy?” he turned back to her with insides exploding. “Is this what you wanted?!”

And for once it didn’t matter if anyone walked in on them. This pent up anger with himself was eating his insides away. He needed to unleash these feeling somehow…because he was so upset and overthrown by everything happening. He was losing Namjoo again. He had lost the baby that could have started their new happy beginning. And Seona…had dragged him so far away from where he should be.

“Do you know what you did?” his eyes bulged, voice continued to tremble. “That day, why did you have to do it that day?!” Screaming as he slammed the desk with his hand, “Why!”

Seona’s eyes went wide at his raised voice. They had never fought before. He had never gotten angry at her. In fact, this was probably a part why his first love failed. He had never truly been himself with her.

“You put Namjoo in the hospital,” his voice quieted but he was shaking with even more anger that he was speaking about this, “and my baby on her deathbed.” Unable to keep control he raised his voice again, “My baby! Namjoo was pregnant!”

One thing he hated most when he was angry was crying. Today those angry tears welled up in his eyes as he recalled that devastating day. Coming back to his office after the meeting to find Seona with his phone and the urgent voice messages from her parents. Namjoo in the hospital and crying to her friend so despairingly. And now she was like this because of him.

“That was my baby,” he repeated angrily. “Do you know now?” Staring at her with spite, “How dare you do that? I’m asking you Seona, what did you say to her.” Yelling again, “When you called her what did you say to her?! When you met her what did you do?!” Without even waiting he continued slapping the desk with all his strength, “Goddammit, Seona, answer me!”

The office door swung open and the department manager walked in urgently, demanding, “What is going on here?”

His fiery eyes remained on Seona oblivious to the others filing in behind the door to get a peek of the drama. Seona’s expression was no longer bewildered but was a blank sheet of ice. Then turning around to look at the head department she said, “I don’t know. I was trying to give Sehun the balm I bought because I was worried, but he blew up at me.”

“Get back to work, Seona,” the department manager ordered. Seona obediently turned to leave and started talking to the others the moment she was out the door. Once it closed Sehun found himself incapable of breathing. His entire body was shaking with continuous rage. He was so upset that he hadn’t known and he was upset on behalf of Namjoo. She was so hurt all these years. Imagining how she must’ve felt when he first told her that he was dating Seona sent deploring waves through him. Going home to find her sleeping on the couch waiting for him had his insides throbbing. Knowing she believed he still loved Seona made him more disappointed in himself. How bad had he been for Namjoo to feel this way?

God, he hated himself.

Trying to hold back tears of grief was impossible this time. Covering his eyes with a hand he apologized, “I’m sorry.”

Flustered and unable to interrogate about what was wrong the department manager said, “Go home, Sehun. You’re done for the day.”

He left work like that. With the other co-workers staring curiously as he walked toward the elevator. Empty and feeling more alone than ever, he got into his car and immediately drove toward the designated place to meet Namjoo. He hadn’t eaten the entire day. His stomach was sore but he couldn’t complain. It felt, on a part, like this was some form of punishment.

The sun waned, clouds passed, and children continued screaming in the distance. As time passed the park gradually became fuller but he remained there alone on the bench waiting. He believed Namjoo would come. She would.

His stomach continued aching but he wouldn’t move, afraid that if he went somewhere in search of food Namjoo would miss him. So he remained there like a fool. The day grew warmer and then a little colder as the sun began to dip into the sky. His mind told him Namjoo wouldn’t come and to just leave, but he couldn’t will himself to. Like an idiot he continued sitting. An hour later he heard the sound of heels and gradually looked up from the ground. When the woman stopped walking he fully glanced up. Namjoo stared back at him coldly but she was here.

Sehun’s mouth split open as he smiled. Butterflies exploded through him and he quickly rose to his feet.

“You’re here?” he asked. Brushing his pants, “I didn’t wait long.” Looking around hopefully, “What should we do? Want to go bike riding?” Glancing back at her to see that she was in a skirt he laughed awkwardly, “Never mind.”

Without a word Namjoo turned around and began walking. Sehun eagerly followed, hurrying so he could walk by her side. Seeing her purse he asked, “Is that heavy? Should I carry it for you?”

“I’m fine,” Namjoo muttered moving the arm with her purse away from him.

Noticing the new cast on her arm he asked, “Are you ok? You went to the doctor? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Namjoo strictly kept her eyes on the path ahead. He couldn’t will himself to look away from her. He was just so happy she was here and he was so afraid that if he looked away Namjoo might leave.

“Do you want some ice cream?” he wondered.

“No.”

“Oh…ok, I wasn’t feeling like ice cream either,” he smiled. He yearned to put his arm around her but he couldn’t touch her. Namjoo didn’t want him touching her. His heart ached and knew he probably looked pitiful, but it didn’t matter. There was so much he wanted to say yet he feared annoying her, so he kept quiet as they continued walking.

That night when they went to sleep he wished so bad that Namjoo would turn to hug his arm or bury her face against his shoulder. She did neither of that. She slept soundly with both her heart and body far from him. He looked over longingly and hesitantly moved his hand closer to where hers lay. If he could just touch her a little he might be able to soothe his ache. Nervously, he glanced Namjoo's way. She was sleeping with her head turned away and he was confident she wouldn’t wake up. Slowly lacing his fingers through hers he clamped his hand against hers.

Sehun’s insides welled up. He was touched and so happy. If Namjoo held his hand again he wouldn’t let go ever. He would hold tight and this time would cherish her more.

§§§§§

Namjoo was quietly sipping coffee that morning and eating some toast she had made. There was an extra set on a plate on the counter. Pouring himself a cup of coffee he sat with her at the table. Cautiously, he stole a glance at her. Namjoo was busily scrolling through a website she had pulled up on her phone. Sehun wanted to lean in and ask what she was looking at but didn’t want to bother her.

When Namjoo finally finished her toast he finally spoke afraid that she would walk away. He still wanted to very much be around her.

“What are you doing today?” he asked. “What about we visit your parents?”

“I’m going to Ulsan.”

“Ul…Ulsan?” he stuttered. “Again?” after a split second, “Why?”

“Work.”

“On the weekend?” He couldn’t believe it.

“I’ll be back Monday.”

Monday. He felt like a block just hit his head.

“Do you have to go?” he asked desperately.

Namjoo was already on her feet. “I have to leave in an hour.” Setting her plate into the sink she turned to leave the kitchen. Left alone again Sehun sat there deplored. He didn’t want to go through the weekend without her.

Unable to follow her upstairs he sat at the bottom of the stairs anxiously. What if he feigned illness, would Namjoo stay to take care of him? He searched around. What if he purposely hurt himself, cut his arm or something? By the time he finished exploring all possibilities Namjoo was already on her way down with a duffel bag.

“You’re leaving? Already?” he asked wishing this wasn’t true. Glancing at the duffel bag, “Should I carry that for you?” maybe he would steal the bag and run off, delay her.

“No.” she brushed past and started toward the door.

“How are you getting there? Should I send you?” he asked. A long drive with Namjoo sounded nice. They could talk about many things in the car. When she opened the door Yunyeong was outside and already headed up the steps. He stared with spite. Darn her.

Taking the bag from Namjoo Yunyeong said, “I told you not to pack much. Why is your bag so heavy? Go to the car first. The door is still unlocked.” Without even saying the goodbye he was secretly hoping for Namjoo walked away. “You regret it, don’t you?”

“Why Ulsan?” Sehun asked.

“We need to meet some people,” Yunyeong explained. “Looks like it’s not going well.”

“You must be happy.”

Yunyeong snorted. “Compared to you, Namjoo is more miserable. Get a grip, Sehun, and think about whether you love her or not. Let her go if you don’t. You have two days to think.”

Stepping back the friend turned to leave. Sehun’s eyes passed her to find Namjoo in the passenger seat and staring at the road. Why couldn’t she turn to give him a glance? The car drove off as he continued willing her to look his way. Sehun nearly wanted to jump into his car and follow them down the road. In the end, he stepped out to sit on the steps.

He and Namjoo had a long past. His entire life had been spent with her. Maybe he was so used to her that he just couldn’t imagine a future without her. Was that all a part of his reason? Why was he so lost when it came to Namjoo? It had been so easy deciding and declaring his feelings for Seona. Why was Seona any different than Namjoo?

§§§§§

Lee Chul waved as he crossed the cracked street toward the benches where Sehun was sitting. A basketball game was currently in play. Sehun had thought to play basketball with Chul today, but had been forced off to the side. Nearby a group of young girls had joined to cheer.

“You suddenly remember I exist,” Chul slapped him on the back as he sat down. The deafening cheer of the girls drowned out the sound of traffic. They turned to see that someone had just scored a goal. “Wow, would you look at them. Makes me remember our days. Remember Go Eunmi? She was mine.”

Recalling the thought brought a smile to Sehun’s lips. High school was so long ago and had been one of the most carefree chapters of his life.

“Why are you out on a Saturday? Shouldn’t you be home?” Chul turned to look at him.

“There’s nothing to do at home.”

“Where’s Namjoo?”

“She went to Ulsan.”

Chul nodded. They grew quiet, both pair of eyes glued to the game. Chul spoke up, “Not to say that I’ve been snooping around, but I’m sorry, Sehun. I heard about what happened from Yunyeong.”

“Are you two dating?”

Chul let out a baffled shout of surprise, “No! Of course not. We still meet up every now and then. I don’t forget friends, you know.”

Sehun snorted and glanced down at the ground. “Chul,” he started, “how do you know if you love someone?”

The friend frowned, “Why is an SNU student asking me this?”

“A while ago, do you remember?” Sehun asked. “I got angry at you.”

“Oh, that,” Chul nodded. “I remember. What about it?”

“Why did you think I was angry?”

Chul laughed baffled. “You’re really surprising me, Sehun. You really don’t know? I thought you would have figured it out by now. I mean…you even married her.”

“It’s just…I’m not that smart when it comes to Namjoo,” Sehun admitted. “It’s like when I feel close to her I’m actually very far away. It’s so difficult when it comes to her. I thought I knew everything about her, and I thought I was doing everything well, but it’s not like that at all.”

“You really are an idiot,” Chul nodded his head. “Were you jealous when I said I liked Namjoo?”

Sehun thought about it before slowly nodding. Hearing it for the first time had shocked him. If she had dated then she would have forgotten about him.

“Were you even more jealous when you thought I slept with her?”

“I was angry.” He didn’t have to think about this one.

“You were jealous,” Chul corrected. “You were angry and jealous.” Then he asked, “Why can’t you put two and two together? Sehun, from a man’s perspective, that wasn’t a friend. You were possessive. Did you realize it? You didn’t like the thought of anyone having her. You feared losing her. You hated me for that.”

Why was Lee Chul smarter than him? He had always been smarter. He had hated Taihee and Sungwoo for being near Namjoo, for even mentioning her.

“That night Namjoo went with me to the motel to pick up my brother,” Chul told. “I confessed to her. She told me then, that there was someone else she liked.” Sehun felt the adrenaline pump through him. “I knew it was you. I thought by now you would have figured things out. Sehun, you know I’m rooting for you. Namjoo already chose you a long time ago. Don’t waver and don’t worry. Go and tell her that you love her.”

***Wow, I felt really sorry for him this chapter. The thing is, right now Sehun needs some confidence and reassurance. He's out of it and has been blind to his inner feelings but as someone pointed out, it's because life happened and he was distracted. Sometimes the obvious things are the things that are harder to figure out. That's Sehun's situation. He knows Namjoo well, but figuring her out is also one of the most complex equations he has to solve. It's kind of like you don't know who your soulmate is but if you look in front of you you'll find your soulmate. I wasn't going to bring Lee Chul back into the story, but then when I finished this chapter I realized Sehun also needed a friend on his side since Namjoo has Yunyeong. Sehun needs someone to slap him on the back, push and tell him to go for it. And he got it this chapter. Sehun feared losing Namjoo as his friend and as a person when Chul confessed that he liked her and wanted Sehun's help. That was when Sehun's inner feelings came to the fore and Chul saw and realized what was going on. Remember the infamous "My Namjoo?" Next, he needs a real talk with Seona to clean things up once and for all before he can continue to try to fix things with Namjoo.

***Last update for the week. I'll return next week!