Chapter 13

Trigger warning: Panic attack, mentions of depression and self harm. Read only if you know it won’t trigger you, I don’t wanna be responsible of anyone getting hurt. 

I know you’re trying 

To fight

When you feel like flying. 

School became a pain in the for Minhyuk. 

He had been asked by several teachers where did you get those bruises? He had been called to the principal because the school was concerned about violence in the home. 

It was tiring, being stared at, not only was he the white haired gay kid, he also had a face covered in cuts and bruises.

Minhyuk tried to keep Hyungwons words in his head, trying to remember the others lips on his cheek, his body and most importantly his lips. 

Minhyuk were alone on his bed, notebook in his hands, pen between his lips. Writing lyrics was a way to get a grip of things, to put all his thought on paper was a way of coping. It was barely ever good enough, but it was helping him and that was what mattered. 

This one, Minhyuk imagined could be a ballad, or maybe a low rap. He himself wasn’t too good at singing, but he would love hearing someone else singing it. 

This song was half finished and Minhyuk was wiring on the verse while trying to keep his breath at a normal pace. 

Fight against the world

Your bruises, yellow and blue, but you’re also the most beautiful I’ve ever seen you

You dress in colors

The days that you’re grey i wondered what had the power 

To take those beautiful colors away from you

Minhyuk felt grey. He felt hopeless, he felt tired, he felt like someone took all the color that there was in his life, throwing it as far away from him, so so far.

Your colors are radiating, always painting my world

Bright yellow

Minhyuk liked the color yellow, it was happy and bright. 

Sad blue

Every color more radiating than the other. 

To lyrics like these, Minhyuk could never imagine a beat. Something was off about it, and it made him frustrated. Though the writing was to calm him, he felt even more worked up now. Worked up about nothing going right, about his lyrics, about being alive. 

He knew his mom hated when he smoked inside the house, but he opened the window, sitting down on the edge, grabbing his pack of cigarettes. Nowadays he always kept the same one, a light blue one, covered in black flowers and patterns. Hyungwon had doodled on it when Minhyuk had been at Hyungwons place, giving it to him as a present. 

In the corner there was a small message:

Road is long and we’re still young, but tomorrow will be a better day - C.H

It was a sweet and simple message, but it also made Minhyuk smile every time he saw it, giving him hope. Hyungwon was hope to him. 

His bare legs were hit by the cold night air, Minhyuk was looking out and up at the sky. 

There were stars out tonight, beautiful stars he thought as he lit the cigarette. 

Smoking was calming, but not enough. 

Panic were slowly hitting Minhyuk, head spinning, body feeling light. He continued smoking until there was barely anything left, looking up at the sky. Unconsciously he grabbed the lighter, letting the small flame spring free. He felt it warming up his right hand, bringing the heat even closer until the flame was his skin. 

He hold it there for maybe 10 seconds, before he removed it hastily, the pain from the burn made him feel high. 

One mark, two and finally four were covering his hand