Chapter 46.

Patterns form and feel important,
The starting lines of a living blueprint.
All this information in formation is key
To draw a distinction between waking life and our dreams.

Patterns form and feel important,
It's the first brush of a self-portrait.

Jaehyun sat on his bed looking out of his window as he wondered about the future that he now had. Continuing to live meant having to go through moments like these where Jaehyun felt conflicted. His dad was moving on and shouldn't Jaehyun be happy for that? His dad had found love again and this was a proof to one of Jaehyun's doubts. Love came back.  

Jaehyun smoothed out his comforter and fiddled with the soft fabric, listening to the sound his dry fingertips made as they went over the fabric. There was a soft knock on the dark wooden door and Jaehyun raised his eyes to see Taeyong look inside. "It's late," he said and Jaehyun nodded, eyeing the blue sky and dark ground. Twilight.  

  "Ready for school?" He asked and Taeyong made a face, his eyes widened and his eyebrows were raised in a grimace of comical shock.  

  "Oh dear, did you have to remind me?" He joked with a smile and Jaehyun noticed Taeyong was only dressed in a t-shirt and boxers. He looked ready to go to bed and Jaehyun frowned when Taeyong invited himself into Jaehyun's bed by crawling under the comforter. "Lie down." Taeyong told Jaehyun who raised a hand to point at the light. Taeyong to his back with a sigh before he got himself up and quickly padded over to the light switch, turning off the light and leaving them with the light from outside. Jaehyun welcomed the shadow by grabbing at the other's waist and pulling him close under the comforter. Taeyong came close, so close his warm, minty breath danced over Jaehyun's face and Jaehyun's heart skipped a beat when he found himself closing the distance before Taeyong could settle his head on the pillow. It was an open-mouthed kiss, Taeyong gasped, releasing a muffled sound of surprise before Jaehyun felt Taeyong's hands grip onto the shirt he was wearing. Everywhere their skin met was electrified and Jaehyun felt this hormonal drive take hold as he kissed Taeyong with rising passion. As he kissed the other thoughts he had had came to the surface: He almost died. Death had been holding his hand and now he was alive and he had a home. He was conflicted about his father leaving his mother behind, about the future that looked way too bright, but here he was; with Taeyong in his arms, hands wandering over each other's bodies and mouths molding together, tongues stimulating each other. How could Jaehyun fear when he held love right in his arms? When he could feel love touch him and kiss him in a way only love can do? Love had the sound of a voice that was deep and soft with this edge to it that made Jaehyun's heart go wild. It caressed his ears whenever it spoke, awakening these emotions in Jaehyun's chest. How could he let himself be swallowed up by the grief of his mother when he knew life continued and that his mother would get so many other chances in life? Life came in different shapes and sizes and it was fleeting just like love. Life was harsh and cruel, but also bright and kind.  

Jaehyun's thigh found its way between Taeyong's legs and Taeyong put a hand on Jaehyun's shoulder, just a slight pressure and Jaehyun knew it was a signal to pull back. He could barely see Taeyong's face but a small glint in the other's eyes and the faint lines against the darkness revealed where he was lying. Jaehyun brushed away Taeyong's hair and Taeyong's hand went from Jaehyun's shoulder to his waist. "School." He said in a light voice, he was smiling, Jaehyun knew that from the tone in his voice. Not right now, Jaehyun. He spoke beyond words and Jaehyun nodded before placing a kiss on Taeyong's forehead.  

  "Just happy to be alive." He whispered with relief in his voice and felt Taeyong's arms wrap around him and tighten their grip. Right here, in that small moment as the sun was setting. Jaehyun felt alive and was forever grateful to exist.  

  "Describe my personality with 5 words." Mark asked as they were sitting on the floor of the living room, studying and eating snacks. 

  "Stubborn, annoying," Jaehyun counted on his fingers. 

  "Creative," Taeyong added and Jaehyun revealed three fingers. 

  "Too god damn wise for your own good." Ten said as he and Johnny came into the living room from the kitchen. The sun came in through the wide window doors and lit up their figures. Ten was obviously wearing one of Johnny's t-shirts, and Johnny had a hand on the smaller's waist as they walked. 

  "Let's say cautious, maybe?" Johnny suggested. Taeyong and Jaehyun chuckled and Mark groaned. 

  "Be serious, it's for my job application." Mark looked at the older boys who all laughed. The youngest huffed and threw down the application.  

Jaehyun watched Taeyong pick it up. "Okay let's see," he started, "creative?" Everyone nodded and Taeyong wrote that down. "Bright." He continued and Jaehyun looked at Mark smile sheepishly and look at the floor. Johnny and Ten leaned closer to Taeyong to look at the paper. Ten reaching up to hold the paper and their three heads met as they looked at the notes. 

  "Responsible." Johnny suggested and Mark looked like all the positive comments were making him slightly uncomfortable. Jaehyun reached over to squeeze the younger's thigh. Mark jumped before smiling at Jaehyun. He ruffled his black hair and looked over at the others. Jaehyun couldn't stop looking at Mark as he thought back at the start of their friendship. Brothers. Soon Jaehyun would be blessed to have Mark as a brother.  

Johnny's party gave them all odd and mixed feelings as they approached the other's house. It reminded them of the fights amongst them and the lack of one tall boy. Jaehyun noticed some new boys from the other team who had mostly stayed in the back of all the trouble. Jeno and Jisung greeted him as they walked towards the door, not knowing how much had happened in that place. Smelling of cologne and wearing clean clothes, Jaehyun guessed this was a new start. He was the Jaehyun who wanted to live and had all the reasons to continue living with a smile on his face.  

It did falter at the memory of Doyoung's passing and how Jaehyun wished the other would stand in the doorway with that wide mischievous smile. Instead he was greeted by Yuta who came running over. "Looking great, Jaehyun!" He beamed and Jaehyun threw his head back with a laugh, feeling flattered.  

  "My hair is coming back slowly, stuck with this cap for tonight." He said and pointed to the black cap Ten had bought for him which said ' cancer'. He found it quite amusing to wear. A reminder that he survived it.  

  "I love it." Yuta said and tiptoed to get a better look. Jaehyun followed him inside. "Need me one like that." He added with a smile and Jaehyun looked at the door, remembering flashes of the first party. Of Yuta taking the picture, of humiliation and confusion. All of that was in the past, now he walked beside Yuta as friends, and it really warmed his heart that it all came out like that. 

Noise greeted them when the door opened, Johnny stood in the hallway, hair pushed back and face clean. He knew how to present himself nicely. 

  "Where's Taeyong?" Johnny asked as soon as Yuta and Jaehyun entered. Jaehyun greeted the taller with a clasp of their hands and received a pat on the back.  

  "Finishing up a job interview." Jaehyun informed the other and Johnny made that upside-down smile and nodding in an expression of being impressed. Jaehyun ended up sitting with Sehun and Jongin. When Taeyong arrived, the party had begun and the voices had gotten louder, the laughter booming whenever Johnny told a funny story. He seemed to have an unlimited number of hilarious events to tell about. Jaehyun stood from his seat to stand by Taeyong's side as the other sipped his drink. Jaehyun was sticking with soda.  

For a moment they stood there and small talked, Jaehyun asking about the interview and Taeyong answering between sips. 

  "Taeyong you're graduating too this year!" Sehun exclaimed and Taeyong choked on his drink before nodding. He tapped his chest and grimaced, but seemed to be fine as he and Sehun talked about colleges. Jaehyun had another year left, which made him a little sad. He couldn't participate in the same joy as the others. He stood there watching them when Mark appeared beside him.  

  "What kind of soda?" He asked and casually sipped his drink. Jaehyun snorted before keeping a straight face.  

  "I mixed Pepsi Max and regular Pepsi for a little twist." He said and Mark nodded before accepting Jaehyun's offer to taste it.  

  "That is an interesting mixture!" He exclaimed and the two couldn't stop themselves from giggling and then Mark lifted his glass to Jaehyun's face. "No, seriously, I actually mixed Fanta and Pepsi just to feel like I'm having an interesting drink." 

Jaehyun laughed so much he gave Mark a shove, which made the other tilt to the side. Mark just laughed bashfully. 

Taeyong was definitely tipsy and Jaehyun loved that the other would force him to dance with him. Not that he really needed to force Jaehyun who just twirled Taeyong around and around and then did his best at gracefully lifting his leg in the air when Taeyong dipped him. Johnny and Ten proved to be much better at this, and Taeyong pouted and told them it wasn't a contest. Jaehyun brought the other into the garden to get some fresh air and the two of them sat down on the bench they had been sitting on the first night they talked at the party.  

  "Remember- remember the night?"  

  "Of course," Jaehyun replied to Taeyong who was leaning against the other.  

  "I'm sorry for not having the balls to tell you I was ing attracted to you." 

Jaehyun chuckled. "Apology accepted."  

  "You're the best person in the world." Taeyong said and kissed Jaehyun's cheek. Jaehyun held Taeyong's hand in his as they sat outside in the cool air. The door to the garden slid open and he heard two familiar voices.  

  "It's so loud in there, we can talk out here." Jaehyun recognized it as Mark's voice and turned to look at the younger who was on the porch with Jaemin. "I- I wanted to say that I am sorry about how I handled- how I reacted-" Mark struggled and Jaemin leaned against the wall, the light from a small lamp falling upon his face; he was smiling. 

  "When I confessed to you? Or kissed you?" He suggested and Mark spluttered out something incomprehensible. "It's okay." He assured Mark and the other shook his head.  

  "I did it out of fear." He said. "Not because of you being gay or the fact that I could be." 

  "Could?" Jaemin replied with raised brows, Mark reached out his hands for the other to let him finish. 

  "I haven't decided yet. Thing is, I value our friendship and I've seen how love can end..." Mark silenced for a moment before he continued, Jaemin was listening intently. "But I've also seen how no matter how much you fight for a friendship to last, it can end too." Mark's voice sounded a bit thick and Jaehyun's heart wrenched at the thought of Donghyuck. Jaemin reached out a hand to hold Mark's. The other was trying hard to steady his voice when he continued. "I don't want to regret not giving you a chance if- if something takes one of us away. I just, I want to live and enjoy life. I promised to myself, after seeing Jaehyun and Donghyuck struggle to survive, that I couldn't avoid something only to regret it later. You can't enjoy life without taking risks, and me being stubborn and preventing something from happening just because I'm scared... That's not honoring Donghyuck or Jaehyun."  

Jaemin tilted his head to the side. "So you're saying?" He asked with a small smile and Mark was quiet. Jaehyun guessed he was just looking at Jaemin, since Jaemin was looking at Mark.  

  "Let's give it a chance." Mark suggested and Jaemin beamed.  

  "You sure?"  

  "I am, so lay off with the flirting with Jeno." Mark joked and Jaemin laughed. "I'm kidding." Mark assured the other who looked so bright in the darkness around them. Jaemin hugged Mark who hugged his best friend back. Jaehyun noticed that Taeyong was watching them too.  

  "Beautiful," he whispered and Jaehyun nodded. It truly was remarkable.  

Inside some had left and others were sitting down on the couches, playing games or just talking. Jaehyun sat down beside Sehun who seemed to be eyeing Hansol and Yuta. The two had been hanging out a lot and Sehun seemed to be inspecting their behavior. Jaehyun took himself in taking in the picture of the two of them. They were looking at Hansol's phone and Yuta laughed, covering his mouth with his hand. Hansol took the hand and removed it, saying something that made Yuta slap Hansol's hand away with a bright smile. Yuta nudged Hansol with his shoulder, threatening the taller who was sitting on the armrest of the chair, to make him fall off. Hansol just slid down, forcing them to sit close together and Yuta rolled his eyes, but there was a fond look in his eyes.  

  "They're definitely dating." Sehun said before looking at Jaehyun. "Don't you think?" 

Jaehyun shrugged. "Who knows?" He grinned and Sehun pointed to everybody in the room. Jaehyun chuckled.  

  "How about you?" He decided to ask Sehun.  

  "Don't need that in my life," Sehun said honestly. "I'm good with my friends and my dog."  

Jaehyun smiled. "Sounds like a good life."  

  "Doesn't it?" Sehun smiled and Jaehyun nodded. Love came in different forms, and sometimes a love that you felt you needed, wasn't needed by others, he guessed.  

Jaehyun heard a conversation amongst Sicheng and others. Sicheng was pointing to Jaemin. "He could be beautiful as a girl."  

Johnny nodded with that eye-smile of his, clapping his hands in agreement and Mark hummed, gaining attention from the others. "I think he's beautiful as he is now." He said and Johnny and Ten fell backwards with 'ooohs' and Jaemin hit Mark who looked at the others. "Just telling the truth."  

  "Waah!" Jongin clapped and everybody whistled at the other. Mark looked at Jaehyun who smiled and gave the other a thumbs-up.  

Mark chuckled, looking shy. "It's getting late." He pointed out and Jaehyun nodded.  

Time to end the night. 

Jaehyun's father sat by the wheel while Jaehyun was half sleeping on Taeyong's shoulder. The other was surprisingly still awake and just staring out the window. They were dropping Jaemin off at his place and Mark hugged the other tightly. After that they just sat there in the car. Ten had stayed with Johnny to help him pick up.  

  "So how was it?" Jaehyun's father asked and Jaehyun tried not to fall asleep, and listen to the conversation.  

  "It was great!" Mark assured the older, and Jaehyun's father grinned widely. Taeyong turned his head to look at the other.  

  "And how was your evening with Jenny?" He asked knowingly and Jaehyun lifted his head to see his father's reaction.  

His father pushed up the glasses on his nose with a small smile. "She said yes." He said with joy in his voice and Jaehyun felt his heart leap in excitement. Mark cheered.  

 

Wedding bells were ringing in the distance. Jaehyun let himself fall asleep with a smile on his face.  

A/N:

I am the worst, I know, but this past time has been a mix of stress and bliss. I've been travelling the past month and I am still not home yet. I'm going back to Denmark again. It's crazy. I did work on this chapter whenever I could, hope you enjoyed it!

Thank you for still showing love and support for this long--ride of a story! 500 subs!

I think... not sure, that the next chapter is the last. I don't have that much to say anymore, haha. So thank you in advance, I'll do my best to put up the next chapter soon!

Love,
Emma <3