Chapter 43.

Taeyong held his hand and supported him all the way downstairs. His suit that he used at Doyoung’s funeral was now too loose but it didn’t matter to him. He still wore his chicken beanie, and Jisoo was so kind to wear a Stitch beanie so that Jaehyun wouldn’t feel odd. Ten and Johnny wore beanies as well, and Taeyong sat in the car looking at Mark, who was wearing Donghyuck’s grey beanie. He then looked back at Jaehyun and nudged him. 

  “I don’t have a beanie.” He said as he realized he was the only one not wearing it. Jaehyun looked at him as the car turned to the right and he swayed towards Taeyong for a moment. Then he reached down in the plastic bag he had brought and he pulled out the silver gift with the green bow. Mark noticed it and smiled softly, waiting for Taeyong to open it. Taeyong looked up at Jaehyun with wide eyes.

  “I don’t deserve it.” He whispered but let Jaehyun put the gift in his hands. 

  “I want you to have it.” He said before tugging a strand of hair behind Taeyong’s ear. Taeyong leaned in and pressed a kiss to Jaehyun’s cheek. He looked into Jaehyun’s eyes, and Jaehyun waited for him to find what he needed to see. Then Taeyong looked back down and started removing the lid. 

His hands were trembling slightly and Jaehyun fiddled with the seat belt as the lid was removed, revealing a knitted grey beanie with blue details to it. On top of it was a silver necklace with a pendant shaped like a sea shell. Taeyong lifted it up between his slim fingers and he let it rest in his palm as he inspected it. Jaehyun eyed Taeyong’s reaction but couldn’t find any distinct emotion. “I’ve always thought of you as… like the ocean and I thought…” Jaehyun’s mouth was rather dry. “A sea shell could represent the ocean.” Jaehyun cleared his throat, feeling awkward. He should’ve put a note in it so he didn’t have to explain it. He was sure Mark and their parents were listening. “I knitted the beanie myself. Donghyuck taught me.” He explained but his voice faded into a whisper at the mention of Donghyuck. Taeyong looked up at Jaehyun; tears swam in his eyes and Jaehyun watched a tear fall and gasped, reaching out to catch it in his palm. The corners of Taeyong’s lips went down, yet they stretched into a grin. He looked down at the necklace again briefly, and then he softly reached out to cup Jaehyun’s face and press a kiss to his lips. Jaehyun felt his stomach flutter, and he smiled into the kiss. He watched Taeyong wear the beanie and try to lock the necklace around his neck. Jaehyun decided to help him. Taeyong sat with the package in his lap, one hand clutching Jaehyun’s. After a moment Taeyong inhaled shakily.

  “Thank you.” He breathed and Jaehyun smiled.

  “You’re welcome.” 

Taeyong leaned his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder. “I’ll pick up my gift at the apartment later.” He promised. He hadn’t gone home since yesterday. Jaehyun smiled at the memory of them lying in the dark, Taeyong’s back flush against his chest. It was nice. It felt so healing that Jaehyun forgot the pain and he just felt grateful for the fact that his love was back in his life. 

He isn’t alone he realized. He isn’t weak he thought as he hugged Taeyong’s body closer, look how far he has come: From almost wasting life away to fighting hard to keep it. Jaehyun buried his nose in Taeyong’s neck, lips brushing against the other’s spine and he wished and prayed to be given another chance. He promised never to think so little of life again. Watching somebody having it taken away from him too soon and another letting it go because he already felt like it had been stolen…. Life was hard, it was a burden to those who realized its depth and capacity. Jaehyun shouldn’t let it overwhelm him but just take it bit by bit. Like the feeling of drawing patterns on Taeyong’s thigh, the feeling of Taeyong’s breath against his collarbone, looking into his brown eyes and just finding the other so beautiful; listening to his laugh and feeling contempt. 

Jaehyun could do this, he could face this illness. He would be brave like Donghyuck; bright like him. 

Jaehyun stared at Donghyuck’s picture and realized it was a younger version of him, when he still had hair. He looked human. He was only human.

Mark sat down on the bed beside Jaehyun who was settling himself on it with the help of Taeyong and his dad. The other was staring into his lap with wide eyes, he looked caught and Jaehyun waited for him to say something. Taeyong and Jaehyun’s father was talking about going home to pick up the gift and some food, when Mark turned his head to look at Jaehyun. 

His eyes were teary and Jaehyun felt alarmed and he wanted to do something but all he could do was wait for the other to speak.   

  “What do I do?” He asked and Jaehyun frowned slightly. Mark turned to look away before he started sobbing. “What do I do if you are taken away too?” He cried and Jaehyun shook his head pulling Mark closer. 

  “I won’t let that happen.”

  “Please don’t go, Jaehyun, please.” He cried and Jaehyun held the boy in his arms until he fell asleep beside him. Jaehyun wiped his own cheeks and looked up at his father. 

His father smiled at him, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Still even if he looked sad he radiated with a warmth that made Jaehyun’s panic cool down. “You’ll get through this.” He said and Jaehyun watched Taeyong walk over and Jaehyun couldn’t help but smile when the other took his hand in his. 

  “We’ll get through this.” He promised Jaehyun in the sweetest voice and Jaehyun tugged in Taeyong’s arm for him to lean down and Jaehyun’s heart fluttered when they kissed. 

Jaehyun kept an eye on Mark who started to linger around Jaehyun, afraid of him vanishing like Donghyuck. Luckily he didn’t have to do too much because Jaemin was there. He walked with Mark to the hospital, he walked with him home. He made Mark smile by acting silly. Ten took care of Mark too. Taeyong made sure Mark and Jaemin did their homework. Jaehyun’s father took Mark under his wing and Jaehyun woke up from a nap one day to hear the two talk: 

  “He was just here.” Mark said, a sniffle following his words. “I can still hear his voice. I still see him sitting on Jaehyun’s bed as if he is there. It feels as if he’s going to be here every time I enter the room but he isn’t. He’s gone. The realization makes it even worse. I’d rather cling to the thought of him still being here but just… just not in front of me.”

Jaehyun’s father sighed. “When Jaehyun’s mother died. It really wasn’t easy to wake up to silence. There was nobody beside me, yet she had left so many traces. I had to clean them up because I found myself thinking that she’d come back and pick up that hair-pin she had put on the bed-side table…

  You have to do it. But don’t erase Donghyuck completely. Keep him as a memory. I may have cleaned up after her but I kept the photos of her. He was such a bright kid and he’ll continue to be bright, for you and for all the people he met. I have never seen death as the end, but as a bridge towards something new. It’s the end of a chapter not of a book.” 

That sentence resonated within Jaehyun’s chest as he stood one step inside his apartment. “It’s the end of a chapter, not of a book.” He muttered to himself as Ten walked out of his room with Johnny. 

  “He’ll love it.” Johnny assured Ten by leaning down close to Ten’s ear. Ten smiled and looked up at Johnny, a hand coming up to pat Johnny’s cheek lovingly. Johnny’s hands caressed Ten’s hips and as they walked Johnny’s hand took Ten’s in his and their gazes moved to Jaehyun who stood in the door. Jaehyun wore the yellow beanie which was a beacon in the dim hallway, his eyes were shining and behind him appeared Taeyong and his dad who was carrying things upstairs. Ten stopped and he and Jaehyun shared a gaze. Ten smiled and Jaehyun smiled back at his best friend. Taeyong stepped inside and slipped his hand into Jaehyun’s palm, their fingers intertwining and Jaehyun looked down at the other who gave him a bright smile. Jaehyun let the other tug him inside the living room and Jaehyun inhaled the scent of his home. He looked up at Johnny who gave him a comforting pad on the back and Johnny and Ten followed them to Jaehyun’s room. Jaehyun gripped the doorsill and felt Taeyong circle his arms around his waist.

  “It won’t be like this for long. They’re looking for a house.” He said, breath ghosting over Jaehyun’s neck, yet Jaehyun couldn’t help but gawp at the sight of a bunk bed with the bottom part being wide enough to fit two and the upper one slimmer to fit just one. 

  “Mark will sleep above you Jaehyun and Taeyong can sleep beside you on the lower one.” Ten added. Johnny leaned in over them to take a second look and Jaehyun pressed his lips into a thin line to stop himself from crying. “We built it all day yesterday, that’s why we were absent.” 

Jaehyun turned around in Taeyong’s arms and opened up one of his to pull Ten and Johnny into a group hug. “You guys are the best.” He told them and Ten kissed Jaehyun’s cheek.

  “We know.” He said and Taeyong chuckled. 

Three weeks of being home and spring seemed to near them with slow steps. Jaehyun still went to the hospital for regular checkups, yet he was now sitting by the dinner table doing homework that Ten brought for him every day. 

Ten came waddling inside with his bag half off his shoulder. Mark was right behind him and Taeyong was in the shower as the two went into the kitchen to greet Jaehyun. 

  “What is the meaning of this history assignment, it makes no sense to me!” Ten whined and threw down his bag before roaming through the fridge. Mark just reached over Ten to grab the milk and pour himself a glass as he did every day. Ten found himself a bottle of water and filled up Jaehyun’s glass as well. Jaehyun watched the cool water leave a cool touch on his glass. Ten’s bangs were cut straight and they looked bouncy as the other looked down while pouring. Ten’s eyes met Jaehyun’s as he stopped pouring. “I asked the teacher about it today and his explanation didn’t even help at all!” He continued and Mark snickered before his eyes moved to the hallway because of movement. 

Taeyong came into the kitchen, he was still drying his hair. “What assignment?” He asked and Jaehyun lifted up his notes to show Taeyong. The other came over to look at it. 

  “Oh dear, I know this one.” He said and Ten’s face lit up.

  “You do?!” He squealed and Mark lowered his glass to watch with amusement. Jaehyun took the papers from Taeyong who leaned down to press a kiss to Jaehyun’s temple. 

  “I can help you with it, don’t worry.” He told Jaehyun and Ten almost choked on his water. 

  “What about me?!” He called and followed Taeyong into the bedroom. Jaehyun heard the pit-pats of Ten’s steps following Taeyong’s strides. Mark was laughing. Jaehyun gave Mark a look. 

  “Don’t you have homework?” He asked and Mark turned quiet. He settled the glass of milk in the sink and Jaehyun wouldn’t told him to wash it up when he realized Mark was on duty to clean the dishes today.

  “I do…” Mark sighed and then grabbed his stuff to go into the room. Jaehyun chuckled before slowly getting up to move his stuff into the room as well.

  “We should party again to celebrate when Jaehyun is better!” Johnny said as they had another study session. Jaehyun had just come home from the hospital, he was a little weak and felt slightly nauseous but he was getting better. He was lying against a mountain of pillows on his bed with Taeyong behind him curled up against his back with his head rested on Jaehyun’s chest. Mark was in one of the bean bags, Johnny as well and Ten was on the floor leaning against Johnny’s bean bag. 

  “Guys nothing good comes out of those parties.” A new voice joined their conversation and they all looked up.

  “Jaemin,” Mark beamed and made space for Jaemin in the bean bag but both of them sunk into one hole together and they were bickering about space. It ended up with Jaemin throwing his legs over Mark’s while leaning in the other direction and somehow it worked out. 

Taeyong’s phone buzzed and he reached down into his pocket before looking at the screen of his phone. Jaehyun couldn’t help his own curiosity and glanced at the screen to see who texted. 

  “Yuta will come over.” Taeyong said before Jaehyun could read the message. When Taeyong looked at Jaehyun for approval he quickly smiled in return. Taeyong reached up to fix Jaehyun’s beanie. “A small gathering of some sort would be nice,” Taeyong said and Johnny nodded, “maybe just the teams?”

  “Nothing big.” Johnny added while still nodding. “The others want to see you.” He said and looked at Jaehyun whose eyelids were heavy. 

Jaehyun nodded. “Sure.” He said and then closed his eyes. Ten frowned.

  “Are you okay?” He asked, “you seem very tired.”

  “They told me it could happen that I become a little more tired lately, but we’re also changing the amount of chemo I go through. My energy should come back again.” He replied but it was more of a mutter. Taeyong took the blanket at the foot of the bunk bed and placed it over Jaehyun. 

  “It’s okay,” he assured Jaehyun, “take your time with healing.”

So there were days were it seemed great and days were the people around Jaehyun ended up wearing a worried frown. Jaehyun went into the hospital less frequently and he went to the school to meet up with teachers and get more work that he could do at home. Johnny was struggling with getting his grades up as this was his final year and didn’t come by as often. It was okay for Jaehyun because he didn’t expect everyone to be there all the time. 

February had a lot of snow and Jaehyun found himself staring at the calendar as it showed March 15. For a moment he found himself in disbelief that it truly was March and not still December when he thought he would die. Hope had settled in his chest and he eyed the marked date in February. The 14th. His birthday and also Valentine’s Day. He giggled to himself and stepped away from the calendar. He clearly remembered that cold day that yet was full of warmth. 

Jaehyun walked through the cool living room, eyeing the pictures Jenny had put up on every surface that hadn’t been decorated. Jaehyun’s father wasn’t one to go into detail with his inventory and it had always been Jaehyun’s mom who put on small figures or found art to decorate the bare walls. Jaehyun was sure that every decoration was something she had bought and hung up. Now Jenny had placed a frame that had some Polaroid pictures from the school trip on the low wall that separated the kitchen and the living room. Jaehyun stopped and watched it with wonder. Emotions he had gone through at the time of the trip washed over him, and he remembered Taeyong telling him to take a break, when they were cutting wood. He remembered collapsing and feeling so confused about the signals Taeyong was sending. Jaehyun chuckled at the time Mark and Jaehyun went into The Rivers’ bedroom to pour water onto their beds, and Taeyong came in and caught them. Jaehyun smiled at the picture of him, Mark, Hansol, Johnny, Ten and Jaemin. It was kind of a random picture, but it looked great. Mark was the one who had taken pictures and made people take some for him. Jaehyun hadn’t paid too much attention to that. He had been going through too much to care about pictures. One picture had traumatized him enough. 

Jaehyun rubbed his arm. Yuta had taken that picture, because he was jealous. Now Yuta visited Jaehyun always bearing a small gift that usually was Japanese candy or manga series that Jaehyun just couldn’t miss out on. One time he and Yuta ended up being alone and they watched Free! for three hours. 

Jaehyun turned away from the pictures and pushed the door to the bathroom open. He flicked on the switch and was bathed in a yellow light. His chemo was low he knew soon he’d grow hair again when they stopped and he’d be back to normal. Hopefully. 

He wasn’t really focusing on what he was doing, too caught up in his thoughts, but then a sharp pain went through his abdomen and he stared down at the water as he peed. 

His heart almost stopped. It felt like it had. In a moment of disbelief and his mind trying to convince him he was just tired he stared down at the thread of liquid that ran into the water. 

Then everything hit him and he felt his eyes sting. His voice was full of panic when he called out for his father. “Dad!”
 

This couldn’t happen.

The water was turning red. 

A/N:

I can't apologize enough! But seriously I've been through a lot these past months! One friend of the kid I take care of committed suicide and it threw the whole family into this sorrow and trying to find something positive to hold onto, because you're really left with nothing when somebody leaves like that. I had met the guy and he was too young to go, but I have to idea of why. And I've also gone through a break-up so yeah this year has been great! 

Don't worry it's all a long time ago, and a lot of good stuff have happened too. My mom has found a girlfriend who she is so in love with and the stories she tells are the cutest, so I'm so happy for her. I know what I want to do after this year and all, so I'm on my way.

Which this story is too. I'll finish the next chapter so you don't have to wait long! 
 - Are you guys still with me? I'm so sorry about taking so long!

Love,
Emma <3