Chapter 17.

Maybe your light is a seed and the darkness the dirt. In spite of the uneven odds, beauty lifts from the earth.

They went out a little earlier, spending time at the bond fire, some getting fire ready for it, but then Jongsuk and Soohyun had something to fix in the village and Johnny told them to go, they could leave the boys alone for a few hours.

The air had grown cooler, most of them were snacking what they had bought at a convenience store at the bond fire. Jaehyun was sharing some of his candy with Taeyong, mumbling about why it was good when Doyoung and Jinyoung came walking up to them. Jaehyun glanced over the small space and his eyes connected with Doyoung’s. The fire was reflecting in the brown orbs. Jaehyun wished he could’ve been fast, because when Doyoung opened his mouth Jaehyun already knew what was going to come out of it. Yuta had already stood and Taeyong gripped the package of candy tighter when the words reached everyone.

  “You guys now that Jaehyun has been hiding a secret right?” Doyoung asked them all and Jaehyun fixed his gaze on the ground.

  “What secret?” Sehun asked and Jaehyun tried to hide behind Taeyong’s figure.

  “Your beloved Jaehyun hasn’t told you that he’s attracted to men?” Jinyoung asked innocently and Doyoung grinned with a cruel chuckle.

Sehun looked at the two in disbelief. “Jaehyun isn’t gay.” He said and Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut. Sehun turned towards him. “That’s a lie right, Jae?”
Jaehyun couldn’t breathe.

  “It’s not.” Doyoung said. “Do you see him denying it?”

Taeyong stood and crossed the distance between him and Doyoung before throwing a punch and Johnny ran forward and tackled Jinyoung before he could pull Taeyong off Doyoung. “Shut your mouth!” Taeyong growled. Doyoung laughed.

  “Some just like it from behind, Tae!”

Jaehyun felt as if Doyoung had literally stabbed him in the guts. Jaehyun heard Taehyung speak.

  “Ja-Jaehyun is gay?”

Jaehyun stood and he breathed in shakily before lifting his gaze and it met with Sehun’s. Jongin behind him grimaced. Sehun swallowed hard. “It’s not true right?”

Jaehyun exhaled with a small cry, before trudging up the stairs and he avoided Ten’s touch before he started running away. Ten called out for him.

 

Ten watched Jaehyun run before he spun around and glared at his team mates. “What’s so wrong with being gay?” He asked. “We’re all people.” He hissed and then he ran after Jaehyun with Mark and Yuta in his heels.

Jaehyun didn’t know how he ended up at the bridge, but he stood there looking at the cold water and couldn’t help but think it looked inviting. The pain he was feeling right now could end, it could end if he just succumbed to what he knew would happen. Drowning. That was how he would die, he just knew it, because he wasn’t one to fight for his life. What was there to fight for? He had never been strong, he never said no, he couldn’t save his mom and he couldn’t save his father from the loss.

He would be facing a life that would never give him anything good. He would watch Ten suffer because of his parents. He would watch his father miss his mother. He would fall in love with Taeyong no matter how much he tried not to. He didn’t want to fall in love with Taeyong, he didn’t want to become even weaker than he already was. To become attached to someone that could leave you in an instant; that could hurt you. And what if Taeyong fell in love with him? What if he left Taeyong when the other had fallen too deeply? It had to be now, Jaehyun had to leave him now. Jaehyun couldn’t take it, he was in enough pain, he had always been in pain and it was enough for him. The future was too dark and Jaehyun just wanted everything to end. It was an easy escape, he knew that, he would leave Ten… leave Mark and Johnny… leave his father… leave Taeyong.

They would all be better without him. His father wouldn’t have to look into his eyes and miss his mother. Ten wouldn’t have to worry about Jaehyun and his unstable mind. Taeyong could fall in love with someone better, a girl maybe. Maybe Yuta, maybe they could figure it out and nobody would get hurt. Doyoung and Jinyoung… Sehun, Johnny and Taehyung would all be relieved to not having to worry about that gay boy checking them out.

Jaehyun was a mutant in a world where they were hated. Now everything was revealed and he could never avoid those stares and it was just best if he just… vanished.

Jaehyun felt the cool wind slip beneath his clothes. He could feel the dampness of the air around him because of the river. He could hear it roar as it fought its way through stone and earth. The sky was still blue, but the sun was gone and soon the shadows would spread and darkness would envelope the world in twilight. There were clouds in the distance, rising like mountains and they looked dark. Jaehyun knew there would be no stars tonight.

Jaehyun opened his eyes and looked down again, just one step and he would be free. Jaehyun cried, inhaling shakily, he could already feel the relief of not having to worry anymore. Jaehyun though felt guilt too and it was what held him back. There was some longing for life, but it was weak.

  “Jaehyun!”

Jaehyun hated to hear that voice, because it belonged to one of those people that he’d rather not leave. Jaehyun didn’t want to turn his head, but he couldn’t help himself and his eyes met with Ten’s. The other looked terrible, fear was etched into his beautiful features and fear didn’t suit him, he thought. Jaehyun noticed Ten walk closer.

  “Don’t come closer.” He warned the other and stepped closer to the edge, the tip of his shoes over the edge already. Ten sobbed and stepped back, he looked desperate. Mark was watching it all with wide eyes, tears running down his cheeks but he didn’t speak. Yuta looked at Jaehyun before running back to the camp.

  “Why?” Ten asked. “Why would you leave me?”

There was the guilt. “You won’t have to worry about me anymore.” Jaehyun just argued.

Ten stomped in the ground. “I can’t do this without you!” He cried and Mark gripped Ten’s wrist, stopping the other from running towards Jaehyun. Ten’s knees gave in and he fell to the ground. “Don’t leave me!” He cried. “I will do everything for you, Jaehyun, please!”

Jaehyun didn’t want to tell Ten that this made him even more sure of his choice. Distance. They needed distance. Jaehyun faced the river again and Ten whimpered. Mark pleaded Jaehyun not to do it.

 

Suddenly they heard steps, and Jaehyun saw Taeyong’s wide eyes and he saw Yuta fall to his knees, gasping for air. Jaehyun reached out a hand for Taeyong not to come closer because he had walked forward with long strides. Ten gripped onto his ankle. “He’ll jump.”

  “I’ll jump too.” Taeyong just said.

Yuta shook his head. “No…” He cried and Johnny sank to his knees beside Ten, holding him close, but also looking at Jaehyun with eyes that pleaded for him not to do this. Jaehyun didn’t understand why they would ever miss him. He wasn’t important.

Jaehyun’s eyes landed on Taeyong’s figure and he hated how drawn he felt to Taeyong. He didn’t notice that more had come. Taeyong’s jaw clenched.

  “Why?”

  “I’m not strong enough.” Jaehyun said in a small voice and Taeyong barely heard it.

  “Do you remember the first time we met?” He then asked and Jaehyun frowned. Taeyong continued. “At the bus stop.”

  “It wasn’t at the game?”

Taeyong shook his head. “No. I was standing at your bus-stop. You had seen me crying and you comforted me. You thought I had been bullied and beaten at school, and you put your arm around me, telling me that I should never let people treat me like that. That I should always fight back, no matter what. You didn’t know that it was my father who had done it, but I felt a lot stronger, I felt like I could face my father and from then on I didn’t cower but I faced him straight on.” Jaehyun hadn’t noticed that Taeyong had stepped onto the bridge and he hated how he let Taeyong’s hand slip into his. The touch reassured him, but it also made his nerves buzz and he felt like he was drowning already. Taeyong tugged at him and Jaehyun stepped back. “If you jump I’ll jump too.” Taeyong said and Jaehyun shook his head placing hand on Taeyong’s chest to push him back, but he couldn’t help but notice the strong and fast heart beat beneath his palm. Taeyong’s eyes grew worried again and Jaehyun cried out before pushing Taeyong’s hand off his arm. He couldn’t give in, he couldn’t let himself get weaker than he already was.

  “I’m not strong enough to fight.” He said and stepped forward. Taeyong’s eyes widened only to see Jaehyun’s body fall, but it didn’t fall towards the water but the bridge. Jaehyun cried out when he felt strong arms around him and fought back against the grip. Johnny was holding him down and Taeyong threw himself down on top of Jaehyun to keep him there.
 

Ten cried out in relief when he saw Jaehyun’s body still and it meant that he had stopped fighting back. Then Ten heard a voice behind him.

  “I’m so sorry, Jaehyun.”

Ten looked back and saw Doyoung watch the scene with a shocked expression, there was deep sorrow in his gaze and guilt was written all over his face. Yuta stood up, reaching out hand and softly gripping Doyoung’s wrist but Ten saw Doyoung’s bottom lip quiver and he fled the touch, turning around and running off. Ten didn’t like the look he had seen on Doyoung’s face.

Still Ten got up and he walked over to Jaehyun who’s hands pulled Ten closer and Ten buried his face in Jaehyun’s neck. “It’s okay to be weak.” He told the other and Jaehyun clung to him. For a moment they both just cried, clinging onto each other.

Jaehyun sat up, he was still straddled by Taeyong who cupped his face with both his hands, tearful eyes looking at him. Ten leaned away from them, and Johnny pulled him closer.

  “You made me stronger.” He told Jaehyun and Jaehyun sobbed. “I’ll make it my mission to make you stronger and Jaehyun… killing yourself is not the answer.” He told him and Jaehyun shook his head in his hands. Jaehyun swallowed hard he deserved Taeyong’s anger. “Don’t you dare try to do something like that to yourself ever again, promise me that.”

Jaehyun was silent for a moment. “I promise.”

Ten and Johnny sighed in relief and Taeyong pressed a kiss to Jaehyun’s forehead. Jaehyun closed his eyes. He was stuck with what was coming. He was forced to be strong to fight off the love he felt for Taeyong, and he was forced to be even stronger, because now he knew Ten faced even harder times, because the way Ten leaned into Johnny’s touch and Johnny held Ten close; he knew that Ten wouldn’t fight off the love he felt for the taller and that meant he would have to face his parents. Ten looked up into Johnny’s eyes and the gaze they shared made Jaehyun’s heart swell. He looked at Taeyong who was watching them too with a look of envy. Jaehyun sighed and felt thankful when Taeyong got up and reached out a hand to help Jaehyun up. Taeyong’s grip on him was a little stronger and Jaehyun saw Mark reach out for him, making sure he was nowhere near the water and Jaehyun felt sorry towards the young boy. He shouldn’t have seen this.

None of them should’ve seen this. Jaehyun had done so well, he had kept his emotions, his fear under control and it had all come crashing down and now they all knew how weak he was. How much pain he had been put through and how scared he was of life. How easy he thought death would be and how little he thought of himself. Could these boys believe in someone who didn’t care about his honor and would rather kill himself than face what life had put ahead of him?

Jaehyun’s hope was gone, still here was, saved by friends… saved from himself.

Jinyoung’s expression was grim as if he knew this had gone too far and he couldn’t turn back. Yuta kept looking around and even Ten looked as if he expected to see someone appear. Jaehyun really hoped this was an aftermath of death because he really didn’t want to be alive right then. Taeyong held him close and Jaehyun was too weak to hold back at the moment. He wanted to be strong but he let himself gather strength and for a short moment as they sat down on Mark’s bed, Jaehyun leaned into Taeyong’s touch. Ten went over to the window. Mark was sitting with Jaemin, both of their youthful faces full of terror. Johnny stayed close to Ten who didn’t push the other off of him. Yuta excused himself and Hansol followed the other. They went across the dark place and towards the other hut. Car lights appeared and Ten tapped the windowsill.

  “I’ll take it.” Johnny said before anyone could speak, he then went outside, slipping through the small space of the open door and closing it after himself. Ten was still tapping the window.

Jaehyun sighed and then breathed in Taeyong’s scent, his neck was warm and Jaehyun liked how Taeyong rested his head on top of his while playing with his fingers. The touch made Jaehyun’s skin tingle but he’d rather feel that than the fear of life, love and the sorrow of being an outcast. He really could only muster up the strength to focus on one problem at a time and the problem with Taeyong was too great so he ignored it for now.

  “Jaehyun.” Mark spoke up after some time and Jaehyun felt a sad tug of his heart as he straightened his back, sitting up and leaving Taeyong’s warm embrace. “There’s nothing wrong with you.” He said and Ten turned around, brows furrowing together. Jaemin nodded beside Mark in agreement. “You really deserve happiness and I know it’s hard right now, but we’ll be there for you. Can’t you see what you’ve done? You’ve brought the teams together, mostly, that is.” Jaehyun felt Taeyong’s hand on his thigh and Jaehyun couldn’t help but smile a little. Mark was right. “I would’ve jumped into that river to save you, okay? I’m sure most of us would’ve, you mean a lot to us. I can’t tell you to stop feeling sad about life, because you have your reasons, but I’d just like to point out the reasons for you to live.”

Jaehyun covered his mouth not to burst into tears again, but he felt so emotional and grateful. Ten looked at him. “The first reason to live: You’re the greatest friend, people need you, don’t think anyone could ever replace you.”

  “The second reason to live: Your beautiful face would have gone to waste.” Jaemin said with a chuckle and Jaehyun wasn’t even surprised. Jaemin always complimented the boys on their looks and he had many times marveled over Jaehyun’s looks. Not that Jaehyun thought he had any.

  “The third reason to live:” Taeyong began. “I wouldn’t have been alive if it wasn’t for you.” He said and Jaehyun pictured Taeyong in his room, curled into a ball because the two pillars in his life was the reason for his pain and he had no one to trust. Parents often forget how much they mean to their children, how every action can scar their child greatly. Jaehyun tried not to think of his parents, of his mother or his father. Of how his father would’ve felt if he left him. Jaehyun hadn’t thought of him and felt even more guilty.

  “The fourth reason to live: There are so many things for you to experience, Jaehyun, so many wonders of life you have yet to see and experience firsthand. Look forward to them instead, all the beautiful moments and all the nice things you’ll experience one day.” Mark said wisely.

  “Look at the bright side.” Taeyong said with a smile and he jokingly shook Jaehyun with one arm around his shoulders. “Also remember-”

  “You’re never alone.” Ten finished his sentence and Taeyong looked over at Ten. Jaehyun caught the look they shared as if they found something they had in common.

Mark and Jaemin nodded. “We’re with you.” Jaemin said and Johnny entered the room.

  “Jaehyun… You’re such an amazing team player if you ever went away I would quit as captain.” He said and they all chuckled. Johnny who had dropped down beside Jaehyun looked up at Ten who was laughing. “What?”

  “We were also telling Jaehyun how amazing he is.” Ten said and Jaehyun rolled his eyes.

  “I’m not amazing.”

Taeyong gave him a look. “Yes, you are.”

Jaehyun thought he needed no more words than that. Jaehyun blushed and felt a sensation of comfort and happiness blossom in his chest, it was a small blossom, but it was enough to make him feel a little hopeful towards life.

Hansol and Yuta came back with grim looks on their faces. “We can’t find Doyoung.”

Jaehyun felt dread run through him. “What?”

A/N:

It's always not easy writing about suicide, but I've been there too and well, I've come through it and Jaehyun will too <3
Listened to Uneven Odds by Sleeping At Last which for some reason really applies to Jaehyun's story. <3

NOW- Even more drama to come in the next... chapters? I think it will be the next two chapters, and more Doyoung for us. I think all of the NCT members that has been mentioned will get a little more time as the story goes on. I won't forget anyone. (Expect those who is not in the story) 
 - (Btw I think NCT will have a new unit out soon called NCT 127 and they mentioned Yuta will debut and something about NCT U's comeback so I'm screaming)

If you like : (Jaeyong and Taeten ) then I've posted a story in honor of Taeyong's birthday <3

Let's Go Further

Check that out, it's a oneshot! <3

See you guys soon, comments are always appreciated, love you <3333

Love,
Emma <3