041

Knowing

Chapter 41.

The current is strong, my arms are weak.
But you are the branch within my reach.
In this sea of change, understanding was swept away.

Ten was standing in the kitchen. He knew Taeyong came home late and left early to avoid any chance of meeting the others in the apartment. Yet Ten was kind of surprised how he had the nerve to come back and sleep there when he acted like this. His ing boyfriend was ill and he avoided him and brought him in more pain. How could Taeyong live with himself right now? Ten almost wanted to make the other suffer, tell him that Jaehyun actually didn’t need him and would get better on his own. And when Jaehyun got better if the other dared to come back Ten would personally shove him down a flight of stairs.

Was Ten angry?

Yes would be the answer.

Ten heard Taeyong come out of the bathroom and he settled his glass on the counter, crossing his arms over his chest to emphasize that Taeyong was in deep . Taeyong froze when his eyes landed on Ten’s feet and they slowly came up to meet Ten’s gaze.

  “I will tackle you if you don’t settle down by the table.” He said and sent a glance to the chair to signal Taeyong to sit down. Taeyong’s shoulders fell and he dragged his feet to the table, dropping down in the seat and running his hands over his face.

Ten’s anger melted off for a moment at the look of exhaustion on Taeyong’s face and he took a seat in front of the other. “Why are you hiding?” He asked after some time and Taeyong inhaled deeply, but his breathing was rigid and Ten realized the other was crying. Taeyong breathed in and out in exaggerated breaths to calm down before he spoke. His eyes were watery and red when he removed his hands from his face.

  “He doesn’t want me there, Ten.” He said and Ten frowned.

  “He keeps asking for you.” He argued and Taeyong’s eyes widened before tears welled up and he cried even harder.

  “He was shielding himself from me again, I could feel it. I decided that, okay, give him what he wants.” He said and then wiped his nose and eyes with his sleeve. “But now I can’t go back.”

  “You can!” Ten assured the other but Taeyong shook his head, tears dropping from his eyes.

  “I can’t, Ten, I can’t.” He pleaded and got up. “I’ll make it worse, I’ll make him feel guilty and I will not do that to him.” Ten got up too in order to stop Taeyong but the other fled.

  “Taeyong don’t run!” Ten called but the door shut and Ten was standing in the hallway alone. It was a feeling of holding a bottle that had a hole in it. It emptied leaving your hand suddenly feeling odd and too light. Ten shook his arm and then his shoulders, trying to keep away the heavy sorrow that tried to sneak up upon him. He couldn’t give Jaehyun what he needed and the one who could just ran away.

Ten was afraid that maybe they would actually lose Jaehyun.

 

 

 

 

  “So did you talk to him?” Jaehyun asked as Ten entered the room. The smaller looked up from the floor, almost as if Jaehyun had just thrown something at the other without warning him. Jaehyun waited with a small smile at the corners of his lips, he was fiddling with the leftovers of his lunch. Ten noticed that he had eaten more than usual.

Ten stared at the food and then looked up at Jaehyun. If he told the truth Jaehyun would fall into depression again and not eat. Eating meant getting the nutrition he needed and that meant getting healthier. If he didn’t, Ten would lose his best friend. Jaehyun’s father would lose his son, Mark a brother. They would all lose a friend.

Taeyong…

Well Taeyong left.

  “He must’ve left earlier.” Ten decided to say and Jaehyun hummed in reply before nodding, looking deep in thought. Then he shook it off with a shrug of his shoulders and he searched through the drawer beside his bed. Ten watched him with his jaw slightly dropped.

  “Donghyuck gave me a comic book, it’s called Saga and it’s pretty interesting. It had a planet that’s just… full of es. I don’t know how they allow him to read this stuff.”

Ten re-adjusted his position, he wanted to question how Jaehyun managed to not look completely devastated. Ten went forward a bit. This Donghyuck. He was making Jaehyun happy and Ten felt lighter at the thought of Jaehyun finding hope in a new friend.

 

 

 

Mark had brought Jaemin one day. Jaehyun was happy to see Jaemin again except the moment when Donghyuck came to visit. It was in that moment he realized that both Jaemin and Donghyuck had a crush on Mark. Mark only knew Jaemin had one, and Jaehyun found himself feeling awkward as Donghyuck teased Mark who got all flustered. Donghyuck was quick-witted and Mark got “roasted” as you say it.

Jaemin though seemed to notice the two’s interactions and he was lightly frowning from time to time. Jaehyun really wished another person could be there with him. Not just anyone but someone especially.

 

 

 

 

Jisoo had improved, after a surgery they were very sure of her recovery and this made her in a better mood. Donghyuck was still sickly pale and so pale that Jaehyun thought that grey beanie did nothing but make it worse.

Mark was wearing his blue beanie when Donghyuck was visiting the next day. He said that meant he would fit in with them. Donghyuck and Jaehyun were talking about beanies after that comment and Mark took his off as well when the other two did. Jaehyun’s hair was so thin they decided to shave his head that night when his father got off work.

  “Maybe I should get my eyebrows tattooed on.” Jaehyun joked and Mark laughed. Donghyuck gasped.

  “They last two years! Like temporarily. It sounds pretty legit.”

Mark nodded. “You don’t need it though.” He said with a soft punch to Donghyuck’s shoulder, because if he hit hard Donghyuck would easily bruise. Donghyuck smiled and looked down while running a hand over his bald head.

  “I just look like death.” He muttered and Mark sighed before glancing down at his beanie. He raised it up but froze mid-way in hesitation, then he continued the action and put the beanie on Donghyuck’s head. The color did something great and Jaehyun smiled.

  “You look better now.” He said and Mark nodded. Donghyuck crawled down from the bed with difficulty resulting in Mark helping him. Then he went to the mirror.

  “It looks better!” He agreed. “It brings out the brown of my eyes!”

Mark and Jaehyun laughed and as Donghyuck came back in Mark smiled fondly at him. “You can keep it.” He said and shook his hand when Donghyuck wanted to protest. Donghyuck smiled and got on the bed again.

  “You’ll regret that you said that.” He told Mark and the other boy nodded.

  “I will definitely regret it.” He laughed, but Donghyuck gave Mark his beanie so that he didn’t freeze his ears.


  “A late Christmas present.” He joked.

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun thought about Christmas and how Ten, Johnny, Mark, Jenny and his father had all been gathered in the hospital room. Sharing presents and enjoying food that Jaehyun’s father and Jenny had made at home. It had been a nice small Christmas. Jaehyun had requested presents from different people to others, making sure that people didn’t know. Mark had gotten two. One for his mom and one for…

Jaehyun eyed the drawer where the present was hidden. A silver box with a green bow. Would it ever be opened?

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun had a bad day. He was frustrated with his bald head and he only looked worse. Jisoo was walking with him, her hair was cut short, she said it was to prepare herself for the inevitable. Even if she had a good chance at getting better, she still proceeded with the chemotherapy just to be sure. Jaehyun brushed his hand over her back to comfort her. She was frail and bony and Jaehyun decided to gain at last 20 kilos as soon as he could. Being so frail was terrible. The wind could blow them over if it wanted to.

They walked down halls side by side, chatting about small stuff and Jaehyun found it nice with female company. Jisoo had interesting thoughts and helped him understand girls and relationships; which Jaehyun definitely didn’t have the hang on.

  “But you don’t like girls, do you?”

Jaehyun blinked and stopped in his tracks. “How did you know?”

  “You fell asleep last time we hung out. Taeyong is definitely not a girl’s name. Or it could be... but I think it's not.” Jisoo smiled slyly. “Also you would’ve fallen for me by now if you were interested in girls.”

Jaehyun laughed. “Well, you are very pretty.” He said and then gasped. “I have a friend who’s single. He’s definitely bi, so you two could hook up. He likes pokemon too!”

Jisoo’s eyes widened. “I would like to meet him.” She said and a pale hand came up to tug at her short hair. “But I don’t look that great.” She muttered.
Jaehyun frowned. “You look very beautiful, Jisoo.” He told her and she laughed airily, but Jaehyun could see that she took it to heart.

  “So who’s Taeyong?” She asked and Jaehyun huffed.

  “I don’t know anymore.” He replied honestly as they walked down the stairs. “Somebody that I learned to love. Now I wish I hadn’t.”

Jisoo frowned and stopped, the daylight from outside embraced her in its pale glow. “Jaehyun.” She said in a serious voice and Jaehyun knew his words were harsh. He just couldn’t help himself.

  “My heart kept telling me to push him away. I should’ve done it before- before he decided to abandon me. My heart was right. I wish he would just stay away.”

A door shut somewhere in the staircase and the sound echoed as they were the only ones standing there. Jaehyun's heart ached. Jisoo wore a pained expression and Jaehyun’s gaze dropped to the floor.

  “How could he leave me?” He whispered and Jisoo stepped forwards before wrapping her arms around Jaehyun.

  “Love finds a way. Have courage, Jaehyun. That’s what my mom always says.”

But Jaehyun couldn’t find the courage, not when his strength had left him to deal with death alone.

 

 

 

 

New Year’s Eve couldn’t be worse. Jaehyun kept telling the others to go celebrate with other people. He felt absolutely terrible as he knew Taeyong wouldn’t be with him. It was like somebody had carved a hole in his chest and even if Donghyuck and Jisoo managed to make him smile, the action was painful now. He wanted to cry and scream and curse Taeyong to hell, but he also prayed to world that maybe, just maybe Taeyong would appear.

They gathered upon the roof, packed in jackets and given 10 minutes to fire off firework before they had to go back to their warm and comfy rooms. Jaehyun would forever remember the yellow light bouncing off Jisoo’s cheekbones and how Donghyuck’s eyes shone. Mark wrapped his scarf around Donghyuck’s neck to keep him warm. Ten was in Johnny’s arms as he looked up at the sky with the softest smile. Johnny was nuzzling his red nose into Ten’s hair and Jaehyun’s father and Jenny had their arms around each other, talking in low voices and watching the firework together. Jaehyun looked up and he smiled with tears in his eyes as the stars and firework created a face he missed. Taeyong was in the sky.

Maybe Jaehyun should just join him? This Taeyong would hold him close and not run away. This Taeyong would not be mad at him for dying.

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun frowned and stared out of the window as a storm raged on. His father was at home, and Jaehyun knew Mark would come after school, hopefully safe and sound. The weather really was terrible that day.

Doyoung appeared as Jaehyun was exiting the room and Jaehyun turned back with a frown as he noticed Doyoung make the bed. “Why?” He asked and Doyoung glanced up at him, his eyes were round and he had a look of knowing. He knew something Jaehyun didn’t. Jaehyun gripped the doorknob harder and tugged it aside harshly.

He walked down the hall towards the elevator. Doyoung’s appearance had set his nerves on edge and he felt odd. He shook his arms trying to breathe normally as he eyed the halls. Why did the hall look so white and bare?

Jaehyun stepped into the elevator and rubbed his forehead when someone else stepped inside. He didn’t want them to ask about why he looked so troubled. He knew his face screamed about how anxious he felt.

Something wasn’t right.

 

 

 

And Jaehyun kind of knew it when he noticed an empty chair. He kind of knew it when Jisoo gave him a questioning look and he really knew it when Mark’s smile faded at the sight of a missing companion.

 

 

Someone was missing. Someone was dying.

 

 

 

A/N:

The next chapter is ready too! Also guess who finally makes an appearance? I don't have to say the name, we're all ing waiting. 

So uhm... NCT 127's comeback murdered me and I pre-ordered the album and a poster because I am their trash. They also inspired me to finish At Dawn and I am very close to the end, I'm writing the last chapters, not sure if it'll be one long chapter or separated into two. (but where the is Johnny, Winwin and Yuta's lines I swear to god I can't find them.)

This one isn't that far from the end. We still have some things to work through.

 - Did you guys come into the new year safely? I was homesick and stuck in a club for 3 hours and slept on a ty couch afterwards so I hated life and NYC for the first 4 hours of 2017. Yet for now I feel like have the courage to face this year and to make it good. I've had a lot of good experiences already <3

Hope you're all well! <3

Love,
Emma <3

  

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Tripping-Panda
Knowing; this story ended in 2017. Then, I met the love of my life in 2019. This story means so much to me, and to read the last chapter and realize that yes, good things do come in the future. I can only encourage anyone who reads this story to believe in those words. <3

Comments

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TEN_Net
#1
Chapter 13: Mark is really funny, like he is in real, love his comments and support
nikkixkaisoo #2
Chapter 14: Finally, everything makes sense now! It’s good that Jaehyun decided to become friends with Taeyong first instead of jumping into a relationship fast, because that’s more realistic. Good job, Emma!!!
nikkixkaisoo #3
Chapter 11: I was so used to reading Jaeyong fics without Jaehyun liking somebody else besides Taeyong that I internally cringe whenever JaexTen parts come up ? good thing there’s Johnny, though!
nikkixkaisoo #4
Chapter 5: I’m so confused with this story...
Tokkiabi
#5
Chapter 47: Loveeee it. Havent read a good one in a long while. This story made me feel nostalgic over my highschool days lol. Brilliant storyline! Im so glad I found it :)
nhEXO1996
#6
Chapter 47: ... Welp, I sobbed, and cried a ton. Shockingly this story had a good ending and a really amazing life lesson that so many should learn. I MIGHT KEEP RE READING THIS.... Also, this story made me think about life and death during a car rid
loveyfan95
#7
Chapter 47: Omg, this story was amazing with all the ups and downs. Loved the character developements, loved everthing <3
CuriousCactus #8
Chapter 23: I just came across this story & hooked up already. How can I just found this now?
It’s really beautiful ^^
Giulzdacat #9
Chapter 43: Just for info, your pee looks red when you're on chemo so it makes it really difficult to see blood in urine