Chapter 20.

Even if it don't last forever, I wanna let you know. We really had something special, it's hard tryna let it go.

Leaving Doyoung wasn’t easy. Jaehyun really wanted to leave when he was sure the other was okay, but as he stared at the other fiddling with his comforter he was just sure he wasn’t. Jongsuk was worrying on his lip as they drove away from the hospital. Taeyong was sitting in the back too, he was sitting in the right side of the car and Jaehyun in the left. The two of them didn’t really talk, none of them did; Jongsuk was too caught up in his thoughts to notice the silence.

Jaehyun tried to choke down a sob as he thought about facing his team mates. Now everyone knew that he wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay.

Jaehyun stretched his hand across the seats so that it was placed on the middle seat. Taeyong’s hand slid across the space too and Jaehyun clenched his jaw hard as he felt his heart skip a beat and every ounce of worry get replaced by the sensation of Taeyong’s hand upon his. Jaehyun let his forehead rest against the window, inhaling and exhaling deeply to calm down. Taeyong’s thumb went back and forth over his index finger in a calming way and Jaehyun let sleep embrace him.

Taeyong woke him up by tugging on his hand. Jaehyun inhaled deeply through his nose while glancing around. They were still driving, but the roads were more twisted and Jaehyun noticed a sign telling them that they had reached the village. Jaehyun gave Taeyong a sleepy but thankful smile as he now had the time to wake up fully before facing his team members. Jongsuk though stopped the car outside a convenience store. Taeyong and Jaehyun both lightly frowned, Jongsuk smiled at them. “What snack would you like?” Jaehyun’s mood immediately lifted.

 

Jaehyun and Taeyong separated with expressions that mirrored each other’s feelings at the moment: exhaustion and that heavy sadness of nearly losing a friend. Ten met Jaehyun on the porch, he hugged the other tightly and Jaehyun ignored the chills that ran through him when Ten’s nose nuzzled his neck. “Why are you such a kind human being?” Ten asked and leaned away to cup Jaehyun’s face. “You look terrible though.” Jaehyun laughed, his hands coming up to softly hold onto Ten’s wrists and remove the other’s hands from his face. Johnny looked grim, he was standing in the door.

  “The survived.” He said and Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh. It came out in a snort and it made the others smile at the sight of Jaehyun laughing. Even though Johnny was smiling softly he still wore a serious expression. “What happened?”
 

Jaehyun wondered how many times Ten and Johnny had asked him that. “He apologized.”

  “Amazing.” Mark said breathlessly. “What power do you have?” He then asked and Jaehyun blinked.

  “What?”

Mark stared at him as if trying to find some secret. “Your skills at making enemies into friends.”

  “Doyoung is definitely not my friend.” Jaehyun stated but Ten and Johnny shook their heads.

  “In a few weeks you’re probably joined at the hip.” Johnny said and Ten’s eyes widened.

  “Jaehyun’s hips are mine!” He squeaked and Hansol who appeared in the door stared at Ten incredulously.

  “Ten is there something you want to tell us?” He asked. Jaehyun and Ten’s eyes met and they both ignored flashbacks of heated moments.

  “No.” Ten managed to say though he was blushing. “I-I meant that- I mean that- you know- I’m his best friend and brother, we’re joined by the hip.” He said but his voice grew smaller until it was only a mutter and Mark jumped on him embracing Ten.

  “Why are you so cute?” He asked and Johnny pushed the younger off Ten.

  “He’s mine.” He growled but then smiled sheepishly as he protected Ten by wrapping his arms around the smaller. Jaehyun felt like melting but on the same time gagging.

  “Kun and Sicheng explained most of it in the morning, did Doyoung say anything?” Hansol asked with a worried frown and Jaehyun once again thought back on Doyoung’s words.

  “Some things we cannot talk about.”

Jaehyun’s sigh came out in a huff because he was pouting. “We’re all so broken.” He finally muttered and then went through the group to find his way to his room.

   “Jaehyun!” Soohyun called making Jaehyun stop on the first step of the stairs. “Don’t sleep now, you won’t be able to sleep tonight then.”
Soohyun was right. “And Jaehyun, let’s talk.” Soohyun then added and Jaehyun sighed.

Soohyun was a kind and charismatic man. He was more like an older brother than a coach at times. He would always laugh heartedly when the boys told stories and Soohyun would tell some stories of his own life as well, always having a message hidden in the story. He was inspiring and he was passionate.

Still even though they were close, Jaehyun always found himself not being able to say something. When he missed his mother, Soohyun would sit with him after training, he would be the one talking, while Jaehyun listened silently. This was one of those times again. Soohyun and Jaehyun were seated side by side in the small room on Soohyun’s bed, leaning against the wooden wall without really saying anything. It was a sensitive topic they were going to bring up and Jaehyun could see that Soohyun didn’t know how to breach the silence.

  “If you could choose between a new life and death, what would you choose?” Soohyun spoke softly, his deep voice hitting low notes that reminded Jaehyun of his father.

  “Death.” Jaehyun said after thinking for a moment. Soohyun hummed in reply and nodded.

  “Death is easy.” Soohyun then said he was looking into space, eyes fixed on the other wall. “Death is like a dreamless sleep you’ll never wake up from, but then again it is the last stop.” Jaehyun listened, eyes downcast. Soohyun re-adjusted his position. “There’s always this desire to live, even in the mind of someone who’s certain of their choice, they would rather live, but they’ve decided not to in the end. It is not lack of strength but lack of hope that make these people end their lives.” Soohyun turned his head to look at Jaehyun, his brown eyes soft. “If you could hope for anything, what would you hope for?”

  “Hope is useless.” Jaehyun stated while pressing his thumb into the palm of his other hand. “You just get disappointed.”

  “Don’t be realistic, dream.” Soohyun said and Jaehyun felt suffocated by his own feelings. He was always realistic, it was a part of him to be like that, to make sure that he didn’t get disappointed. He never got surprised, people had told him that it seemed like he knew everything because things didn’t shock him. Knowing was something he just did. He wasn’t like Ten who put on a smile and wished for the best, he didn’t dream big. So trying to let himself hope felt as if he’d had to shed some part of himself that he couldn’t remove. Jaehyun closed his eyes, tears pressed on trying to escape and he exhaled shakily as he let his dreams come out, it was too much, but he would do it. He would listen to Soohyun and dream.

  “My mother would be alive.” He said in a thick voice. “My father would sit and eat apples in the kitchen with her at night. Ten would cry over silly stuff. His parents would pick him up from school and Ten would greet them with a hug and a smile. A true smile…” Jaehyun choked down a sob. “Taeyong would not have bruises. He and I would sit- would sit together on the bus… We would have kept on talking at the party… probably sharing phone numbers so that we could hang out again… I would not feel like drowning with him… I would… I would let things happen.”

Jaehyun couldn’t continue, the pain was too much and he bent forward hands around his stomach and he felt Soohyun’s hand patting his back as he cried. He could see it in front of him. He could see Taeyong and him walking together on the street, Taeyong smiling at him, and he would look at Taeyong without hiding anything, he would know that Taeyong liked him back. They would both know, they would be together, not afraid of hiding, not afraid of consequences. Taeyong would ask him on silly dates and Jaehyun would secretly love holding hands at the movies. Oh, Jaehyun would hate going on double dates with Ten and Johnny…

But that was only a dream. Ten would always spend more time at school to avoid his parents. Taeyong would wear a mask once again, hiding his bruises. Jaehyun would still miss his mother so much every day, and hate to see his father cut apples at night, eating them alone in the kitchen. Jaehyun would cry before going to sleep because his love for Taeyong wouldn’t die down and the world would continue to be cruel to them all.

What good was there in the world? What great thing was it that everyone expected? What were they waiting for? Life would never become easier only harder as you realize you’re wasting your life away by being tired and doing things you don’t like.

  “Jaehyun… I was once told that we’re the makers of our own lives. That we decide whether to be happy or not, whether to feel down or not. There will be two options to everything that happens and it’s up to you to choose. My favorite quote is one my father told me. Live life as if there were no consequences, as if there was no future, no tomorrow. If there’s anything to believe in; it is yourself. Because you are the creator and you color your own life.”

Jaehyun hated Soohyun in that moment. Because he was right. So right.

Jaehyun was very aware of his feelings for Taeyong after he had finally let them come to the surface. It was hard to drown them again, but he had managed to kill the hope he had set free. Soohyun though had made his impact, because Jaehyun didn’t wish for death to embrace him, there was a voice of reason now that told him it would getter better. He knew there was hope and it conflicted him.

 That night Jaehyun sat with Taeyong by the fire again. Ten was on his other side beside Johnny and they were sharing a blanket, hiding their intertwined hands. Jaehyun took himself in glancing at Taeyong’s hand and he felt a surge of energy run through his chest. Jaehyun tried to hold it in, the energy wanted to force its way out and make him smile and giggle like Ten did with Johnny, but Jaehyun hadn’t made a choice yet. He still had to make it soon, he really did. Or else maybe Taeyong would choose for him, and Jaehyun knew that was what Doyoung had meant. If you don’t choose, he will choose for you.

Jaehyun really wished he could’ve talked more with Doyoung, he was worried about the other. For a moment he wished Doyoung could just stay a . Now that Jaehyun knew Doyoung was broken too it was quite hard to hate him.

The sky was blue, but in the distance colossus clouds rose like pale mountains and Soohyun kept muttering worriedly about the chances of rain. They took the bus to the village again and Jaehyun didn’t blink when Taeyong dropped into a seat beside him, giving him one of the earbuds of his headset and Jaehyun put it in, hoping Taeyong had some music that could take away the heavy silence.

Everyone was tip-toeing around him, as if they didn’t dare step on him. Doyoung was a sensitive topic too and it seemed as if the high spirits had vanished completely. Jaehyun knew he couldn’t laugh it off because everyone knew he wasn’t happy. Still Jaehyun wanted to let them all know that he would be okay, he just wasn’t sure how he could casually show them that.

While Taeyong was scrolling through his playlist Kun suddenly spoke up and he was sitting right behind the two so both of them turned around in their seats.

  “I really hope Doyoung will be okay.” Kun said and Sicheng took his hand in his.

Taeyong wore a light frown when he spoke. “He will be okay.” He said and Jaehyun noticed everyone was focusing on them.

  “Doyoung and I have talked about it and Doyoung said he was sorry for bullying me. I think we will be okay.” Jaehyun said honestly and heard relieved sighs around the bus. “Let’s have a nice day.” Jaehyun said to everyone and heard determined replies.

  “Yes let’s work hard!” Jackson said.

  “Let’s have some fun!” Johnny cheered and Jaehyun felt the heavy tension lift from his chest and a small talk began in the back of the bus and then it seemed as if everyone were at ease.

Jaehyun looked at Taeyong only to catch the other’s intense eyes on him. Taeyong didn’t stop looking at him and sent him a smile. Jaehyun looked away and couldn’t stop himself from smiling too. The sensation of Taeyong sleeping in his arms weren’t gone and it made his heart beat faster. Taeyong immediately chose a song. “Would you mind if I still loved you…” Jaehyun leaned in over Taeyong to see who was singing.

  “It’s Usher.” Taeyong said, and Jaehyun stilled when he felt the other’s breath against his ear. Jaehyun snapped back into his seat. “Ah, I recognized his voice.” He said and then couldn’t stop focusing a little too much on the lyrics.

  “Up all night, can’t let go. Won’t stop trying, need you to know. It’s a worth a fight… Would you mind if I loved you?"

Jaehyun tensed up, Taeyong was casually going through his playlist to find the next song but Jaehyun felt like the other was saying things through the song he had chosen. Jaehyun sighed and looked out of the window, head lolling to the side. Would he mind if Taeyong still loved him, even though Jaehyun had rejected him? Jaehyun hated how he wished Taeyong still did. Because Jaehyun still felt something for Taeyong. That was clear.

A/N:

Playing: Usher - Crash

Also NCT 127 ft. SR15B - Switch because it's my favorite song on the album. Also Wake Up <3

What do you think? Is the story going to slow? I kind of like the pace we're taking, more details and more small golden moments.
What has been your favorite Jaeyong moment in this story, so far? ^^

I'm going to be in Berlin til Sunday, so I won't be updating before next week <3
 - Once again thank you for all the love <3

Love,
Emma <3
 

(+BONUS) A GIF OF DOYOUNG CUZ HE A CUTIE