Chapter 19.

But we can't dream when we're wide awake, or fall in love with a heart too strong to break.

The sun was rising and the sky was brighter now. Jaehyun guessed it was around 3 or 4 in the morning. Taeyong and his hands were still linked, and Jaehyun watched the clouds break and let the sun’s rays come through, painting the sky a bright pink. Dawn. A new beginning, a new day. It was a symbol of hope, of new opportunities and Jaehyun knew that his chance to leave this life had gone and it wouldn’t come again. It was like something within him just clicked and he just knew this was the sign of him surviving.

No matter how much he wished he could’ve fought harder, how he wished he could’ve just vanished amongst the waves, he didn’t. He had to adapt to the new life brought upon him, a life full of pain as he was used to, but also conflicting feelings, which really wasn’t new. Jaehyun thought of Ten, wondering how he felt in this moment, if he was with Johnny and if he and Johnny were alright. He thought of Kun and Sicheng, greeting a bewildered Jongsuk and being comforted by their coach in the light of dawn. Kun had saved Doyoung’s life, without Kun Jaehyun was sure they couldn’t have made it.

Jaehyun rested his head against the back of the seat, waiting for the helicopter to land and he really wondered if Doyoung was going to be okay. There was all these nagging questions in the back of his mind. Why would Doyoung treat him like this and not expect Jaehyun to break? Why did it seem like Doyoung was broken too, as if he was trying to mask something by being cruel? Why would he run off into the forest at night so mindlessly, as if not caring if he got hurt?

Taeyong called out his name with his deep voice and Jaehyun was pulled out of his thoughts with a snap. Taeyong’s voice made him feel alert, all his nerves on the very edge. Jaehyun tried to breathe normally, ignoring Taeyong who was leaning in over him, helping him with the seat belt. Jaehyun saw them taking Doyoung towards an elevator and he hurried out into the cool morning air with Taeyong, the cold wind creeping beneath their clothes. Taeyong looked extra beautiful with the pink and blue sky as his background.

Jaehyun ignored the thought of him looking like a tired mess, he had just almost committed suicide and he hadn’t slept for way too long. Jaehyun probably looked just like this. He sensed the people giving him worried looks as he squeezed himself into the elevator with Taeyong and a few other people after Doyoung had been brought down. He was currently drugged and Jaehyun and Taeyong were led to a bench outside of an operating room. Jaehyun glanced up on the blurry glass doors, feeling anxiety eat him up as he worried about Doyoung’s health. Taeyong released a small moan of exhaustion his head lolling to the side and Jaehyun closed his eyes when the other’s head fell to rest on his shoulder. Jaehyun tried to casually say that this was friendship, but there really wasn’t anything close to friendship, it was very clear that Jaehyun had fallen for Taeyong, but he pushed that thought away.

Jaehyun didn’t fall in love. He was stronger than that. He knew more than that.

It was still morning when Doyoung was moved to one of the rooms where he could be checked on every hour. Taeyong and Jaehyun tiredly walked along and were thankful when the nurses changed the bench in the room into a bed. One of the nurses blushed a little bit when she apologized for only having that narrow bench as a bed, and this really didn’t help Jaehyun’s heart calm down. Jaehyun glanced around in the room and found a chair beside Doyoung immediately dropping into that. He didn’t miss the disappointed look on Taeyong’s face as he decided to drop down on the bed.

After about two hours later Jaehyun woke up to see Doyoung wide awake, eyes focused on him. Jaehyun sat up and noticed that both of them had been awakened by Taeyong’s phone ringing and Taeyong grumpily sat up, fixing his clothes that he hadn’t bothered to take off while sleeping and he answered the phone with half-lidded eyes. Doyoung’s fingers were drawing circles on the blanket and gripping it from time to time.

Taeyong straightened his back. “Yes we’re with him.” He said and stood, Doyoung closed his eyes and pretended to sleep when Taeyong glanced his way. “He’s still sleeping.” He said and then he gave Jaehyun a look before heading out of the room. Jaehyun knew he wanted to be quiet and not wake Doyoung up. Jaehyun’s eyes shifted to Doyoung.

  “Why are you pretending to sleep?”

Doyoung’s round eyes opened and he looked at him. “I don’t want to talk.” He stated and Jaehyun bit his lip when he saw Doyoung trying to shrug only to grimace at the pain. Jaehyun nodded and they waited for Taeyong to come back. The boy did and he didn’t look like two hours of sleep had helped him in the least.

  “Oh you’re awake.” He said as soon as he noticed Doyoung looking at him. Taeyong pressed his lips into a thin line, not moving as if waiting for Doyoung to say something.

Doyoung smiled awkwardly. “I’m alive.” He cheered with a hesitant chuckle.

Taeyong glared at him. “The were you doing?”

Doyoung groaned. “Aw, come on, I almost died, give me a break.” Doyoung tried to shake off Taeyong’s glare with a wave of his hand.

  “Yeah, Jaehyun too.” Taeyong said through gritted teeth. Jaehyun looked down to avoid the looks from the two.

Doyoung silenced. “Yeah, about that… I know my apology will be nothing to you, Jaehyun. But it, I’m so ing sorry, you don’t have to forgive me.” Jaehyun looked up at Doyoung who looked like he was truly sorry. “I’m an idiot.” Doyoung said with a frustrated sigh and Taeyong nodded but Jaehyun tried to ignore that. “You guys don’t have to stay for me. Go back to camp and enjoy yourselves. Now that I’m not there the mood will be better, right?” Jaehyun actually wasn’t sure about that. Doyoung’s hand found its way to Jaehyun’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jaehyun.” He said again.

  “You’re a , you know that?” Jaehyun asked and Doyoung chuckled with a wide smile.

  “Only for you.” He joked with a wink and Jaehyun felt a little more at ease. They sat in silence for a while. “I’m sorry. Really. I never thought that my teasing-”

  “Bullying.”

  “ - My bullying would hurt you this bad. I’m… I’m not that well either, I’m sorry for putting the pain on you.” Doyoung said honestly and Jaehyun looked down, he had been right. There was something bad that Doyoung hid with a stupid grin and y words.

Taeyong’s phone rang and he rolled his eyes. “Oh .” He muttered to himself after looking at the display of his phone and then he gave the two a smile and excused himself. As soon as he had left Doyoung’s eyes moved to Jaehyun and there was a more serious look in them.

  “What do you mean you’re not well?” Jaehyun asked softly.

  “Some things we cannot talk about.” Doyoung said and Jaehyun jumped when Doyoung gripped onto his hand. “Don’t let anyone force themselves on you. Don’t ever doubt, you choose immediately if you want it or not. You’ll regret it if you let anything happen while in doubt.”

Jaehyun blinked and opened his mouth to ask why Doyoung would say this but then Taeyong entered again. “Jongsuk called to ask if they should cancel the camp or not but I told them Jaehyun and I would come back today. You’re okay with that, right?” Doyoung nodded and Taeyong nodded as well. “Good, Jaehyun, Jongsuk will pick us up and check on Doyoung and then we’ll head back to the others.” Taeyong looked like he’d rather pass out than talk. Jaehyun eyed the bed longingly.

Doyoung sighed and cleared his throat. “Go to sleep and close the curtains will you? I’m tired as hell.”

Taeyong looked like he’d rather give Doyoung another beating but then he went over to shrug off his jacket and Jaehyun got up, ignoring his aching muscles and making sure little to no light came in and then he turned off the lights, finding his way to the bed in the dim lightning. He could hear Taeyong scooting to the side and he decided to keep on his jeans even if it would only be uncomfortable. He lied down only to figure out that they had to lie on the side to not lie on each other and Taeyong grunted when Jaehyun forced the other to lie on his side instead of his back by pushing him. Taeyong though didn’t turn his back to him but turned around to face him and Jaehyun nearly choked when he felt Taeyong’s warm breath on his face. Jaehyun was too long for the bench, his feet stuck out and he bent in his knees which meant he had to tangle his legs with Taeyong’s, but Taeyong didn’t seem to mind, he just exhaled deeply in contempt. Jaehyun really hoped Taeyong couldn’t hear how fast his heart was beating.

  “Sleep.” Taeyong whispered after Jaehyun had been lying with wide eyes, too scared to even relax. Jaehyun closed his eyes and hoped that stupid nurse wouldn’t comment on this when she checked up on Doyoung.

If Jaehyun ignored every ounce of restraint, he actually liked being this close to Taeyong, but he didn’t want to admit that.

Jaehyun was used to sleep with someone. Ten and he had never been the friends who dragged out a mattress from the dusty hell beneath their bed and forced out some moldy blanket that hadn’t been washed since summer of 1996. Jaehyun’s bed was wide enough for two people to sleep comfortable, but as the two grew in size they had to lie closer. Ten always scooted close so that Jaehyun had to have one arm around the other’s body and Ten would cling onto it. When they started doing the things that helped them relax and made them feel good they found it better to sleep in each other’s arms rather than to sleep apart.

This also meant that Taeyong’s slightly smaller form fitted perfectly against Jaehyun’s chest and his arm had found its way around Taeyong’s torso. Taeyong was sleeping on his right arm that was stretched across the bed and the two were sleeping soundly until the nurse came in and had to talk in a shrill voice.

  “Oh my god, they look so cute!” She squealed while helping Doyoung out with some breakfast and medicine. Jaehyun wondered in the haze of sleep who she thought looked cute, but then he felt Taeyong turn around beneath his arm, the other hiding his face in Jaehyun’s chest and Jaehyun’s eyes widened.

He was awake now.

Jaehyun couldn’t help himself, he scrambled up on his knees, making Taeyong release a whine because his safe warm pillow was gone and Jaehyun escaped the clutch of the blanket when Taeyong started reaching out for him. Doyoung couldn’t even manage to laugh as Jaehyun fell to the cold floor and Taeyong finally seemed to wake up.

  “Well, good morning to you two.” Doyoung said with an exaggerated smile and the nurse just covered to hide her smile. Jaehyun felt like he had just escaped near death. Taeyong though looked as if this didn’t touch him at all. He casually rubbed his eyes and looked at the nurse.

  “Do you have any food?”

Jongsuk came in when they were eating, he hurried over to Doyoung who had his mouth full of food and he looked down immediately when Jongsuk tried to make him face him. “Look at me.” Jongsuk demanded softly and Jaehyun and Taeyong watched it while frozen in a position of their spoons half-raised to their mouths.

Doyoung shook his head in Jongsuk’s hands. “It’s shameful.” He said and Taeyong got up and dragged Jaehyun out of the room by his wrist and Jaehyun was thankful for the other’s quick decision. When Taeyong finished chewing he sighed.

  “How about you?” He asked and Jaehyun lowered his gaze. Taeyong didn’t pull him into his arms as Jaehyun had expected, it was as if Jaehyun’s reaction in the morning had reminded Taeyong of their situation. He placed an awkward hand on Jaehyun’s arm instead and Jaehyun took himself in wanting to tell Taeyong to just hug him already, but he didn’t. He had been the one choosing friendship and he was going to be the one upholding the deal.

Jaehyun looked up, gaze fixed on the wall. “Currently trying to ignore the shame myself.” He said and his eyes flickered to see Taeyong’s expression and the other was frowning.

  “You’re not weak, please know that.” He said the hand on his arm glided up and Taeyong gripped onto Jaehyun’s shoulder. It was a statement but it comforted Jaehyun.

  “I gave in to my demons.” He said in argument and Taeyong didn’t hesitate to reply.

  “It takes strength to give in too.” He said and there was something in his voice that touched Jaehyun deeply and the sentence resonated within him as he realized it touched their relationship as well. Jaehyun didn’t want to give in to his love for Taeyong. Was that a weakness or a strength? If Taeyong could answer that he had just unknowingly done it. It only showed cowardice that Jaehyun didn’t accept his feelings for Taeyong and Taeyong’s feelings for him.
Jaehyun felt weak and the only thing holding him up was Taeyong’s hand on his shoulder. He needed to know not doubt.

Jaehyun heard Doyoung’s words in his head:

“Don’t let anyone force themselves on you. Don’t ever doubt, you choose immediately if you want it or not. You’ll regret it if you let anything happen while in doubt.”

He was in doubt, he couldn’t let this happen, not yet. Still he needed to choose. The look in Taeyong’s eyes made him realize how much pain he went through too. He wanted more.

Jaehyun exhaled in a sigh. If only he could admit to himself that he wanted more too.

A/N:

Sobangcha, do I need to say more? (plays the song on repeat while drooling over winwin and jaehyun and also just bathing in the beauty of their voices and killing myself with watching their live perfomances)

I've read the story through and I can't say how much I love this story. It's simply one of my favorite stories that I've written and I've written a lot of stories. 
Currently writing chapter 28. I've actually also written one of the scenes from the very end of the story. Not sure if I like it, I'm still debating on how it should end.
Ah, yes, here we have Doyoung who has some hidden scars. In the next chapter Jaehyun and Soohyun will have a talk that was quite hard for me to write, because it was a really important talk, but I actually think I managed to make it good.

This story really has a lot of messages with it. I didn't expect it to be this complicated haha~

What do you guys think?

Love,
Emma <3

    

(Jaehyun's mic didn't work so Taeyong lent him his. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))