Chapter 37.

Here we lay alone in hospital beds,
Tracing life in our heads;
But all that is left
Is that this was our entrance and now it’s our exit,
As we find our way home.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” That was the words Jaehyun kept on repeating as he was taken into the ambulance. Jaehyun’s father’s and Taeyong’s faces were looking down at him with fluorescent lights behind them and the lights were too bright. Jaehyun coughed, feeling as if his body was trying to tear itself apart. The rescuer who was taking care of him had a determined look on her face, a slight furrow of her brows showed him she was worrying but yet her voice sounded so steady.

Mark’s voice cut through all the noise of beeping and the humming of the car’s engine. “We’ll find our way to the hospital, Jaehyun!”

Jaehyun smiled, a tear escaping his eye and running into his hair. He heard something that tore his at his heart and he had to squeeze his eyes shut. As the car doors were getting shut, Mark’s sobs reached him.

  “Not Jaehyun…” He cried and Jaehyun wanted to sit up and reassure Mark that this was nothing, but he didn’t have the strength to pretend anymore, not even to himself.

  “Do you have any idea of what this could be?” Asked one of the rescuers as the ambulance drove. “What happened before you found him?”

Jaehyun’s eyes were closed, the pain was fading but he was feeling tired as well. He felt Taeyong’s fingers around his hand tighten their grip. He wanted to squeeze back.

It was Jaehyun’s father who answered. “His mother died of cancer.” He said, voice sounding like it did at that time and it brought back old memories that Jaehyun had tried to forget. Like the time his father told him his mother had gone to a different place or onto a new life, whatever he wanted to believe.

  “Why would she leave us? Why would she go to a different place, a different life? Weren’t we good enough for her?”

Jaehyun remembered how he thought this at that time. His father had tried to make it seem less tragic. Your mother was forcefully taken away from us, a sickness defeated her. A sickness that has passed onto you.

His life was cut short. Now that he had something, something to love and treasure. Life decided to force him to let go. When he was finally holding on he was forced to let go? It was unfair. But he guessed that from the very start, he had uneven odds.

It was a haze of lights and different voices, he was going into the operating room immediately. The sedatives made it impossible for him to say goodbye and he fought so hard to stay awake as Taeyong pressed a kiss to his cheekbone. “I love you.” His voice echoed and Jaehyun hoped he was saying the same thing to Taeyong, but he wasn’t sure. He lost conscious as he was pushed through the doors.

Jaehyun was sitting on a cliff. The rock beneath him was warm as the sun had heated it up. He guessed it was midday. The wind crept beneath his clothes, cool and fresh. For a moment he felt as if fingers brushed over his arms and he opened his eyes only to close them again. It had been too bright around him. He tried to do it again, this time squinting as he looked out upon the view of white hills of sand beneath a blue sky. He heard the waves roll in and crash against the cliff and he turned around to look out upon the teal blue ocean. He frowned as he noticed one boat floating amongst the waves. He wondered if anyone was in it?

Jaehyun looked at the water below him and frowned. It rose up, it came higher and higher and the cliff he was sitting on wasn’t high enough as the tide rushed in. Jaehyun gasped.

This was as he predicted wasn’t it? That he was sure he was going to drown, slowly drown. He started swimming when his feet couldn’t reach the rock anymore and a thought struck him. Give in.

It told him and Jaehyun stopped swimming, sinking below the water and looking around at the bottom of the ocean. He could see the sun reflecting on the water, making it look like a roof of crystals. Jaehyun smiled, so this was it. He was dying.

It looked like a dark rock, a piece of coal amongst diamonds. The boat.

Jaehyun frowned and looked around in confusion. What was he doing? Giving in? Why would he give in?

Jaehyun swam upwards towards the boat. Not yet. He thought. This wasn’t his time to die. He wouldn’t willingly let that happen.

Jaehyun shot up from the water, gripping onto the sides of the boat, feeling the wood against his fingers and the fresh air grace his lungs. He tried to get onto the boat but that was when everything went black.

  “He’s my child.” A voice said. “He looks like me, he’s my child. I gave him life together with a woman I loved so deeply. We saw a whole new world as he cried and we realized a whole new form of happiness when we saw him smile. I’ve seen him grow up through rough times, life kept on being cruel to him. He was surrounded by people who were hurting and he only wanted to help. I never told him that it was the sound of his laugh that made me overcome the grief of losing his mother. I just realized one day that… that I had a responsibility. One I had willingly taken and now was bound to carry. This child, this source of light was mine to raise. You never know if you’re doing the right thing before you see how they are as an adult. You just hope you’re doing something right. I was always positively surprised by this kid, this boy that managed to hold onto a best friend, that managed to have a whole group of friends that cared for him. He’s my child. My only light and now he’s...” The voice cried. “I will do anything, I will give up everything just to see him smile and laugh again. Anything.”

Jaehyun overheard some voices talking. “He loves cake.” Said a voice that seemed to wrap around his heart and squeeze it. The sound of home and security. The voice he trusted and cared deeply for. It was Ten. He was sure of it.

  “Made the right buy then.” Another voice said and this voice struck some part of his soul. It vibrated within his chest and brought his cells to life. His heart beat harder and it gave him a whole different feeling of home. It made him feel a raw passion and emotions he couldn’t even put into words. “He hasn’t really been eating… so I thought… I thought…” A sob tore through his sentence and Jaehyun heard him inhale deeply. “I sensed it, why didn’t I do something about it?”

  “Taeyong…” Ten’s voice said, gentle but firm. “He made an effort to hide it from us. He was probably scared of frightening us with it. He was probably pretending it wasn’t something to worry about.”

  “But I should’ve- I should’ve-”

  “What can you do now?” Ten asked. “We can’t change the past, what should we do now?” There was desperation in Ten’s voice. As if his heart cried out for help as well, wanting to know what to do because it felt helpless.

Jaehyun wondered if there was other people in the room, but from the sound of it, it was only Ten and Taeyong.

  “Let’s stay by his side.” Taeyong said. “We should just hope and pray with all our hearts that he wakes up. That he’ll get better. We have hope.”

  “Do we?” Ten asked, voice trembling. “I watched his mother fade, Taeyong.”

Taeyong sighed. “Do I beat up people for not matching my standards?”

  “What? No?” Ten answered sounding bewildered.

  “Do I look like my father?” Taeyong asked and Ten didn’t verbally answer. So Taeyong continued.

  “We are not our parents, Ten.” Taeyong said. “You are not your parents.” He continued on. “I am not my father.”

  “Jaehyun is not his mother.”

  “He’ll get better.” Taeyong said determinedly. Jaehyun could hear Ten move a little.

  “He’ll get better.”

Will I get better?

Jaehyun woke up at night. The air was cool, the blanket thin and soft but hugged his aching body. He felt every bone and it felt weak as he re-adjusted himself in the bed, feeling like he had been frozen in one position for months. He blinked at a pale light that streamed into the room and he glanced out of the windows to see the lights of Seoul’s buildings work as stars, since the city was too bright for stars to show. The moon did its best and casted its light upon a hunched figure that was resting against Jaehyun’s bed. A warmth covered his cold hand and he looked down to see a pale hand hold his. He smiled softly, pulling back his hand and watching the person stir. He looked at the highlighted cheekbones and jaw, the shadows that deepened the features of a boy that was created by gods. A scar beside his eye was the only imperfection, but it was a reminder of the fact that he was human. His back rose and fell signaling he was breathing and Jaehyun’s brows came closer as his heart ached. He reached out to touch the other’s head, fingers brushing over soft dark hair and he rested his hand on the other’s head. His thumb caressed the boy and he wondered if he really should wake him up. If he woke him up that would give him hope. This boy deserved happiness, a loyal and stable happiness that kept on being bright and clear. Jaehyun wasn’t that. He had never been that, but he hoped he could be. He was doomed. Destined to end early like his mother. Waking up this boy would say otherwise and Jaehyun couldn’t be that cruel. His thumb graced the soft skin of the other’s cheek and felt the sharp bone of Taeyong’s jaw.

Who would he have when Jaehyun wasn’t there?

Jaehyun’s hand was almost as pale as the white sheet and he stared at his hand and how lonely it looked. He eventually fell asleep, not having the strength to stay awake for long.

Taeyong wasn’t there when he woke up to the brightness of a clear winter day. Christmas music was playing softly and somebody was sitting by the end of his bed. Legs crossed and back leaned against Jaehyun’s feet. A small boy with bronze skin was browsing through a magazine. He was humming along to the music that came from the radio. A long-sleeved hoodie hung around his thin frame and Jaehyun recognized the black shirt with orange writing on the front. It was his high school hoodie.

The boy’s piercings glinted in the light from outside. It was a cold light and it made the boy’s skin look rather ashy. He was using a pencil to make small x’s in the magazine. Somebody was on the opposite bed and Jaehyun startled when Doyoung’s red hair caught his attention and the other looked up from a book he was reading. He reminded him of the hospitalized Doyoung from the camp trip, except no bruises decorated his pale skin and he smiled at Jaehyun.

The surprised movement gained the boy at the foot of the bed’s attention and he looked up. Jaehyun saw an empty bed beside his and wondered why Doyoung had appeared in front of him. Ten was silent while he closed the magazine, letting the pages flop closed. Jaehyun’s throat tightened and he saw Ten as years younger. The other crawled across the white sheets of Ten’s bed back at his house and Jaehyun let the other’s lips meet his own.

Except these met his forehead.

  “I’m here.” Ten promised and Jaehyun cried.

Jaehyun remembered his mother and how he and his father had bought 5 different beanies for her when her hair started to thin out. One yellow one that resembled a chicken seemed to bring a healthy glow to her pale face and transparent skin. Jaehyun sat on the bed in front of her as they played board games to pass the time. The clock always moved so slow and Jaehyun liked how the moment seemed to freeze with her. They spoke in low voices and smiled softly. Sometimes they played card games and Jaehyun always tried to find new ones to show his mother. She loved learning new things and Jaehyun liked the distraction of explaining the game to her than focusing on her hollow cheeks and sunken eyes.

  “Remember your homework.” She’d say.

  “Does it matter?” He’d ask focusing on the game.

His mom’s eyes moved away from the board to look up at Jaehyun whose face was rounder and full of youth. Jaehyun didn’t need to hear a reply, she managed to speak with just her eyes.

He grabbed his backpack and pulled out a book. He was sitting cross-legged at the food of the bed and his mother finished up the game. There was a short moment where Jaehyun found the pages he needed to read. “Mom, did you know that the First World War started in Italy?” He asked her and she shook her head.

  “We didn’t really learn much about it when I went to school.” She’d say and Jaehyun lifted up his book before lying down on his stomach, turning his book for her to see. She lied down beside him and propped up her head on her arm that had a tube attached to the back of her hand. Jaehyun ignored the look of discomfort as she fixed its position.

  “Our teacher focuses a lot on Europe.” Jaehyun explained and started reading aloud from his history book. None of the two knew that Jaehyun’s father stood at the door, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Like he did when Ten read aloud the homework they had been assigned. Jaehyun grew tired fast, but he listened attentively and Ten reached up to caress his cheek and pat his hair from time to time. The two took some time to just lie down and rest when Jaehyun’s eyelids grew too heavy. Ten curled up against his side and Jaehyun closed his eyes and fell asleep. Ten stared off into space, the radio softly playing; violin filling the air and attenuating the sound of the humidifier’s soft whispers.

Jaehyun’s father went inside and leaned against the bed beside Jaehyun’s. Ten looked up at him and the two shared a gaze. Snow fell outside and Jaehyun’s skin looked as pale as it did.

Johnny and Mark visited once when Jaehyun was awake. Ten told him Taeyong had just been there for 3 hours. Jaehyun wished the other would’ve waked him up. Yet he wasn’t sure of what to say when he would face him.

Mark had some DVDs with him, talking about some movies they could watch together and Johnny had brought a CD made by Relient K. “I like their music, it’s pretty good. It’s almost healing.” He said and Jaehyun felt the corner’s of his mouth lift at that.

Johnny’s hand found Ten’s and Mark crawled into the bed to read the description of the movies aloud for Jaehyun. Jaehyun asked about Jaemin and Mark shrugged. “It’s not that awkward. I just take his smiles as a reminder that it’s kindness he shows me not hate. That someone liking you is not a bad thing. Not when it’s as honest as his liking is.”

  “Dude, will you tone down on the knowledge.”

  “It’s easier to deal with like that.” Mark said and Johnny who was sitting on the opposite bed, Ten leaning against his side, nodded in understanding.

Ten grimaced, one corner of his lips tugged back. “Maybe you should just accept his feelings.”

Mark squinted. “When I’m ready.”

  “You’re never ready, Mark, love doesn’t wait.”

  “It’s not love.” Mark huffed.

  “Could be.”

Ten chirped and Johnny wrapped an arm around Ten. Jaehyun glanced towards the door while Mark scratched his neck. Mark continued to talk with Ten and Johnny while Jaehyun listened. Mark asked if someone wanted to help him finding a vending machine and Johnny followed the other out. Ten gave Jaehyun a look and Jaehyun sighed.

  “He’ll come again soon.” Ten assured him and Jaehyun’s heart clenched. He turned his head to look at the falling snow. Ten was silent, Jaehyun knew the other was thinking. Jaehyun tried to feel his body and wondered if it was healing or dying?

A/N:

I finally figured out a storyline for the last part of the story. So now I have an ending in mind! I've been re-reading the story, I'm at chapter 21. Just to make sure I don't forget anything. I am also doing some more research to make sure that the story is authentic. 

The end is not near, from what I've planned I feel like I'm going to have 10 chapters more. I hope you aren't getting tired of this. <3

Christmas is coming both in the story and now haha, that's so funny. Hope you guys are doing well! Thank you for all the comments!

Love,
Emma <3