Chapter 10.

Can we skip past near-death clichés, where my heart restarts and my life replays? All I want is to flip a switch, before something breaks that cannot be fixed.

Jaehyun woke up before everyone else. He glanced around with lazy eyes and noticed Taeyong lying in a fetus position while sleeping; his bangs tousled and face peaceful. Jaehyun glanced at the world outside and noticed it was grey. They had promised a cloudy day with few chances of sun. Jaehyun decided to get dressed before everyone else, thinking back to the night and feeling a part of him wishing he wouldn’t be so stubborn and instead hear what Taeyong had to say. He was just too angry; he couldn’t give in and just hear what Taeyong was thinking. Still everything he did puzzled him greatly.

Jaehyun woke Johnny up and stood, preparing to leave before Taeyong and Doyoung woke up but he met Taeyong’s gaze when he turned around. Taeyong gave him a sleepy smile as if he didn’t really remember that Jaehyun still hated him. Jaehyun just waited for Taeyong to wake up, but Taeyong just ruffled his hair and then glanced at Jaehyun again looking sheepish. “Still have a deal?” Taeyong asked in a low voice and Jaehyun shuddered at the crispy sound of the other’s morning voice. It made it tickle in just the right- wrong places. Jaehyun closed his eyes and looked over at Johnny who was turning his back to them to continue sleeping. Jaehyun sighed before nodding. He should hear Taeyong out, just a bit. Taeyong looked hopeful when Jaehyun looked back at him. “I’ll find you later.” He said and Jaehyun just nodded again before quickly leaving the room. He wanted to squeal in frustration and excitement and anger. Jaehyun’s body writhed in an annoyed move because his body felt excited, but he’d rather not do anything with Taeyong and just keep a distance. Having a crush is hard.

The breakfast team was already up and Jaehyun decided to throw himself on one of the couches and relax, he had taken the morning walk and gotten water, and he was just waiting impatiently for the other team to go back to their hut. Jaehyun was joined by Ten later who threw himself on Jaehyun, making the other grunt at the impact. “Ten!” Jaehyun exclaimed and he sat up and rested against the armrest with Ten lying against his side. Mark joined them, dropping his stuff beside the couch and lying with his head in Ten’s lap, his legs hanging over the other armrest. As they noticed their teammates coming back and the other team leaving Jaehyun looked up to see Doyoung sending him a disgusted look and Taeyong looking at him until he had to walk through the door; where he turned his head to look outside. Jaehyun sighed.

Ten turned towards him, face too close to Jaehyun’s. “Did he just look at you longingly?” He asked with suspicious eyes and Jaehyun shrugged. Ten looked back at where Taeyong had disappeared from sight. “Did anything happen?” He asked and Jaehyun thought back to Taeyong apologizing and to Doyoung bullying him.

  “A lot happened actually.” Jaehyun admitted and closed his eyes again but Ten blew air in his face to gain his attention. Jaehyun opened his eyes and noticed Johnny finally coming down.

  “I had to stay to make sure they didn’t look through our stuff or anything.” He said and then smiled brightly as he made his way to squeeze himself in between Mark and Ten. Mark sat up and then tried to find a comfortable position against Johnny instead. Ten scooted closer to Jaehyun to make space.

  “Jaehyun said something happened.” Ten said to Johnny immediately and Jaehyun was reminded of when he told his mother a secret and she would immediately share it with his dad when he entered the room. He smiled sadly at the thought of his parents.

Johnny leaned forward. “Besides me leaving Jaehyun alone with the two for a moment, did anything else happen?”

Ten gasped. “YOU WHAT?!”

Johnny pleaded for the other not to be too angry while Ten raised his hand threateningly, almost hitting Jaehyun with his elbow.

  “I can’t tell you what Doyoung said, it’s not something I want to say with my own mouth.” Jaehyun began and the other two listened. Mark turned his head and Jaehyun knew he was listening too. “But Taeyong and I couldn’t sleep and he… he tried to apologize.”

  “Tried to?” Ten repeated questioningly.

  “I didn’t really let him.” Jaehyun admitted and Mark gave him a look.

  “Don’t you want peace with him?”

Ten gave Mark a look that made the younger turn away with wide eyes. Ten patted Jaehyun’s knee. “That’s good, give him a hard time.”

  “I’ve agreed to speak with him alone today.” Jaehyun said and Ten’s expression immediately changed.

  “YOU WHAT?!”

That was the second time he had yelled that and Mark covered his ears. “Lower your voice, please, my ears are bleeding.”

  “You lower your voice!” Ten snapped and turned back to Jaehyun. “What did you do?”

  “I’m too curious. I want to hear what he has to say.”

  “He’s not worth it.” Johnny argued and Jaehyun shifted between looking at Ten and Johnny.

Jaehyun inhaled deeply. “But I am.” He said and then he stood. Breakfast was ready and he was saved from discussing the matter further.

Jaehyun sat on the porch when Taeyong walked towards him, dressed in black jeans and a simple white t-shirt. Jaehyun had decided to wear jeans today as well even though it was quite hot compared to the grey sky. He stood and Taeyong glanced around before heading past the North hut, down a path Jaehyun hadn’t taken yet.

Jaehyun just followed Taeyong, eyes upon the other’s broad shoulders compared to his thin frame. He looked so fragile compared to the sport he was playing. He was taller than Ten, but not taller than Jaehyun. Taeyong’s hands swung as he walked and Jaehyun kind of liked the way his hips moved by each step he took.

Jaehyun rubbed his chest and tried to focus on the world around them, but Taeyong was like a magnet and his eyes were drawn to it. The scenery around them changed, the trees moved away from the path and Jaehyun looked up and saw a mountain rise up to their left. He heard the sound of the river, but he was sure it wasn’t the calm one they had bathed in. Maybe they were connected, but this one sounded wild. Taeyong wasn’t talking, he was just walking, but his hands kept going up to ruffle his hair and fix his bangs and Jaehyun wondered what the other was thinking. Then he could see it. The grey water fought its way through stone and surged down the hillside. It was wide, but a bridge was crossing it and Jaehyun eyed the wood, it looked old. Still Taeyong stepped out upon it, leaning against the railing and looking up. Jaehyun felt breathless at the sight and stopped before he reached Taeyong. The wood creaked beneath him and his eyes followed it and looked in the other way of Taeyong.

  “I was 8.” Taeyong’s voice sounded and Jaehyun looked at him, but Taeyong’s eyes were still fixed on the distance. “I was 8 the first time by father hit me.” He said and Jaehyun felt his stomach tense, Hansol was right. Taeyong’s hand trembled and he gripped the railing hard, knuckles turning white. “I didn’t understand why he did it, I don’t really remember why anymore. I just remember the shock and the disappointment in him. I had always thought of him as my hero and then he proved to be a villain. He didn’t drink, he was the perfect man and but he thought that violence was a way of discipline. My mother didn’t blink, her father had hit her brother too and so she didn’t find it disturbing. Not even when I called out to her, being dragged down the hallway to my room and-” Taeyong’s voice grew too thick and he inhaled shakily. “They didn’t like my friends. They didn’t like that I didn’t bring a girl home instead. I didn’t understand, I thought friendship and my career were more important than dating.” Taeyong glanced at Jaehyun who found himself with tears in his eyes and Taeyong chuckled and looked down. “Don’t forgive me because of pity.” He smiled and Jaehyun shook his head.

  “I won’t.” He said and Taeyong laughed.

  “You’re really something.” Taeyong mused and Jaehyun leaned against the railing, not noticing how the railing gave in to his weight. Taeyong pushed himself off it and turned around to face Jaehyun. “I like cleaning.” Taeyong said and Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh. Now he remembered. Jaehyun had told Taeyong to tell him about himself that night on the bus. Taeyong was doing that now. “My mom has never hit me because of that. I’m always neat.” He said with a proud smile and Jaehyun found himself smiling back at Taeyong. “I don’t really like reading.” Taeyong said. “I do study, a bit, but it’s really not me.”

Jaehyun didn’t know what he expected, but he liked hearing more about Taeyong. Maybe this would help him figure the other out? Still Taeyong didn’t seem like wanting to explain that night at the party yet. Jaehyun was afraid of what he was going to hear, so for now, this was okay.

Then he thought he at least had to ask. “How can you be friends with Doyoung?” He asked and felt the comfortable atmosphere that had been vanish. He went back to wanting to distance himself from Taeyong, and he kind of hated how his own mind began repeating all the things Taeyong had done that had hurt him.

Taeyong must have noticed the look in his eyes, because his eyes turned pleading again. “I can’t change his nature.” He said softly and Jaehyun glared at the other.

  “But you can let him treat me like I’m disgusting.” He said. “If you really wanted to be friends with me you would have stopped him.”

Taeyong looked like he was going to admit something but he didn’t speak. Jaehyun felt the hope he had had slip away. “What am I to you?” He asked and Taeyong looked up with wide eyes.

  “You’re… I’m…” Taeyong couldn’t give Jaehyun the answer he wanted, it was like Taeyong was holding something back and it shattered the trust Jaehyun wanted to give Taeyong. Jaehyun really wanted to be able to like Taeyong, but he had to protect himself and Taeyong wasn’t really anything good. Jaehyun felt Taeyong’s fingers close around his and he pulled his hand back as he remembered the kiss once again. He remembered Ten crying and he remembered Taeyong telling him he wouldn’t explain.

He also remembered the letters and the hopelessness he had felt.

Jaehyun was going to re-adjust his position against the railing and suddenly heard a crack. He tried to push himself off of it but it started falling and his body moved with it. Jaehyun turned his head and his eyes connected with Taeyong’s; they were wide and full of horror and then Jaehyun looked down at his hand reaching out for Taeyong and the other gripped onto it but Jaehyun was falling and Taeyong’s stand wasn’t strong. The other fell with him and before Jaehyun knew it his nightmare from before the game came true.

The water was cold and Jaehyun closed his eyes when he broke through the surface, feeling his body immediately being dragged with the stream. Taeyong wasn’t holding his hand anymore. Jaehyun swam up and as soon as he got up he flicked his wet bangs out of his face. “Taeyong!” He called and then saw the other appear somewhere behind him. Taeyong gasped for breath and when their eyes met he immediately called out Jaehyun’s name. Jaehyun saw the other swim towards him and he turned around to see a boulder in the middle of the river and he was dragged down with the stream and around the stone. He fought against the stream and got up again, as soon as he did he felt hands grip onto him.

  “I got you!” Taeyong said and Jaehyun felt reassured.

The two of them tried to hold onto anything but it was as if the river wouldn’t let them go yet. Jaehyun noticed a branch crossing the river and he reached up and grabbed onto it. Taeyong clung to his body, but was dragged along with the water and Jaehyun had to let go in order not to lose the other.

Then they noticed the edge of the river flatten out, and Taeyong began swimming towards the edge, following the river’s stream but getting to the very edge of it. Jaehyun followed the other and Taeyong cried out in pain when his legs were dragged over stone, but he got up to a point where the water couldn’t take him anymore. Jaehyun didn’t get as far as Taeyong and for a short moment he felt fear strike him as he was dragged past Taeyong.

A hand gripped his wrist and he felt his knees scrape against the stone and he crawled up, finding his way into Taeyong’s arms. The two got onto dry land and Jaehyun collapsed onto the ground.

  “Are you okay?” Taeyong asked and Jaehyun fled the other’s touch.

  “I’m fine.” He said and got up on his feet. How far had the river taken them? How long would it take them to get back before the others noticed they were gone? Jaehyun wouldn’t like that; it would only start rumors he couldn’t carry. He started walking along the river and found a path going in the way he thought the camp would be. Taeyong called out for him and ran up to him.

  “Jaehyun, please.” He said and held Jaehyun’s wrist and Jaehyun pulled it towards himself, escaping the touch.

  “No I can’t.” Jaehyun said and walked faster.

  “I’m so sorry!” Taeyong cried when they had been walking for what Jaehyun would guess as 15 minutes.

Jaehyun stopped and turned around to look at Taeyong’s desperate face. “You’re not!” He yelled.

  “I am!” Taeyong argued and stepped closer to Jaehyun who stepped away.

Jaehyun shook his head when Taeyong seemed to close in on him.

  “It was never meant to be like this.” Taeyong said through his tears and Jaehyun shook his head violently.

  “I don’t want to talk!” Jaehyun stated and pushed Taeyong off of him with all the strength he had left from fighting against the river’s hold. Taeyong looked down and it seemed like he had given up. Jaehyun turned around and started walking again. Taeyong eventually followed.

About an hour had passed and Jaehyun was looking up at the tree crowns, wondering how long it would take to get to familiar grounds. Jaehyun had denied Taeyong whenever he tried to say something, but Taeyong must’ve reached his limit because without Jaehyun noticing he had caught up with him and he gripped onto his wrist with a grip Jaehyun couldn’t escape.

  “Please, Jaehyun, just listen to me.” He begged and Jaehyun pushed the other away when he stepped closer. Taeyong looked into his eyes, he was biting his lip and Jaehyun realized that Taeyong had reached a point where words weren’t enough. With a determined gaze he started moving closer and Jaehyun pushed the other off of him.

  “What do you want?” He asked and stepped back, but he grew tired of running from Taeyong. Taeyong caught his wrist and pulled him closer.

Jaehyun weakly fought against the other. “What do you want?” He asked and then let Taeyong pull him closer. He felt hopeless; he was too exhausted to fight him. Taeyong’s gaze dropped a bit and Jaehyun’s gaze focused on Taeyong’s lips that were so close. “What do yo-” Jaehyun tried again but Taeyong leaned in, closing the distance between them and Jaehyun felt his world spin when their lips crashed together. His lips were warm and moist and Jaehyun couldn’t breathe. Taeyong was kissing him.

Jaehyun’s eyes widened and he found a hidden strength within him and he pushed Taeyong away so hard the other fell. Jaehyun looked at him with wide eyes, how could he? How could he kiss him again? What was this? This wasn’t friendship? This meant…

Jaehyun turned around and ran. Taeyong didn’t try to catch up with him this time.

A/N:

Hi, I'm a little sad because I received my very first rude comment.(not on this story though) So I wanted to get my mind off it and worked on Knowing only to feel like I had to update. <3
I've started a writing contest called INSPIRE! ^^ (It's an EXO and NCT / SMROOKIES contest with premade posters + prompts)
 - I really need more fics to read and I hope I can inspire a lot of authors to write more NCT fics. (I still need to make a Jaeyong poster though.)
Here's a link:

INSPIRE

You can also subscribe to it if you just want to read the stories that enter the contest! (Or to be a cutie patootie and being very nice)

WASN'T THIS CHAPTER JUST WILD? TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE WILD! (this is seriously my fav chapter of all of them)

*I've been hit by feels* I need to get back to writing! <3

And your comments will not only be appreciated but very loved, THANK YOU FOR ALL THE COMMENTS ON THE LAST CHAP!
(I'm so sorry for making you all hate Doyoung haha, but he's my little in this story (I love him a lot))

Love,
Emma. <3