Chapter 32.

Slowly, then all at once.
The dark clouds depart,
And the damage is done.
So pardon the dust
While this all settles in.
With a broken heart,
Transformation begins.

  “What are you saying?” Jaehyun asked, feeling his blood run cold and a burn in his throat. He looked up and for a moment the noise of laughter came washing in over him, deafening and all too loud. He backed off into the hallway, it was lit up by windows at the end of it, but where he stood he was embraced by the shadows. “Taeyong what are you saying?” He repeated himself and Taeyong sobbed as if he now realized it.

  “They said he committed suicide.” He cried. “Doyoung is dead, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun sunk to the floor, crouching down and hugging his legs as he stared at the blank surface of the floor. “He was fine.” He heard his own voice say, it was high-pitched. “He said…”

  “See you on Monday?”

  “Let’s see to that…”

Jaehyun felt as if someone had kicked him in the chest, he fell backwards, breath leaving him. “No…” He cried and dropped the phone to his lap and staring straight ahead. Doyoung had been dropping hints. He had clearly said with his words that he was at the very bottom, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to get up. Jaehyun shouldn’t have let him enter that car. He could see Doyoung go into the car, he could see his own hand stopping the door from closing and pulling Doyoung out of the car, saving him.

Jaehyun screamed, his voice echoing through the hall. Taeyong cried harder on the other line and Jaehyun felt as if life was strangling him, he couldn’t understand this. He couldn’t comprehend this. This was too much pain for him. He wanted it to stop. It was like his mother left him all over again, but this he could’ve stopped. He could’ve done something.

Johnny and Ten reached him first, they were gripping his shoulders, voices calling out for him but he couldn’t hear them clearly. Then he felt reality almost cut it out for him.

  “Jaehyun! What’s wrong?” Ten asked and Jaehyun felt so cold.

  “Doyoung is dead!” He cried and gripped onto Ten whose expression dropped and he looked at Jaehyun blankly. “It didn’t help. I couldn’t save him!” He cried and shook Ten who dropped to sit limply on the ground and Johnny looked up at the others. Mark was gawping, wanting to laugh and say it was a joke but Jaehyun could see that Mark was convinced by the way Ten covered his mouth and Jaehyun didn’t stop crying. Mark looked up at Johnny who reached out to comfort the younger whose eyes were shining. Jaemin leaned closer to Mark, burying his face in Mark’s neck and shoulder and Taeil, Hansol, Sehun and Jongin all dropped their gazes to the ground.

Ten hugged Jaehyun tightly and it was the only thing that kept Jaehyun from closing off completely.

The days went by in a blur. Jaehyun tightened the belt in his black chinos, they framed his legs loosely and he stuffed his black button-up shirt into them, pulling on a jacket and wearing his watch. He felt as if his body just did what it had to do. He combed through his hair, tugging it backwards. Then he exited his room to see his father look at him with a pained expression. He didn’t say anything, instead he just reached out one arm and Jaehyun walked over to lean into his father’s embrace. He felt so numb but yet so heavy by sorrow. The boy he saved when he was dying. The boy who opened up to him. The two of them could’ve begun an unlikely friendship, but Doyoung was too far out. Life had been too hard on him. Jaehyun couldn’t hold in the sob that fought its way through his throat. His father rubbed his back soothingly and Jaehyun was happy that his father didn’t know that Jaehyun could’ve been the one they would mourn. That his father could’ve been the one to be dressed in black. Jaehyun hated himself in that moment, he was ashamed to ever have thought of killing himself, he would never let the people around him go through this misery and pain.

But no matter what he couldn’t bring himself to be angry with Doyoung for letting go of his life so easily. What the other had been through was too much for a child to bear and Doyoung was still  that 14 year old boy caught in that room with his brother. Someone he had trusted. He was scarred and wounded and he had been so afraid of going back home that night. Jaehyun wondered when and how Doyoung had killed himself. They didn’t know that, but Jaehyun hoped the other had died painlessly, now going to a better place or starting a new life that would greet him kindly.

Ten, Taeyong, Jaehyun and Johnny was driven to the funeral home where they found the other team members from both Tigers and Rivers. Jungsuk and Soohyun stood together outside of the room and Jungsuk was looking up, lips pressed into a thin line before he greeted the new group of students. Soohyun went over to greet them. Jaehyun wasn’t sure if his smiles even came through but he tried to greet everyone with some sort of smile. Taeyong was holding his hand and in that moment he couldn’t care less if anyone thought it was weird. Taeyong’s hand was like a crutch, keeping Jaehyun standing as he entered the room, greeting Doyoung’s crying mother and silent father. He looked at Doyoung’s brother, gaze turning harsh but it softened as he turned around to face the picture of a smiling Doyoung. He was framed by wood and a wall of flowers. Jaehyun went over to it, dragging his feet and almost collapsing when he went down on his knees.

  “I could only save you once.” He cried before drying his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket, then he bent low for a rival, an enemy and a friend. He glanced to his side where Ten and Johnny sat and noticed Johnny look at Doyoung’s photo with a small smile.

  “This …” He said beneath his breath. “I’ll come for you one day. We’ll fight in the next life, like we always did.”

Ten looked up at Doyoung. “I’m sorry.” He cried and blinked away his tears. “You became our friend.”

  “You’ll always be remembered as a friend.” Taeyong said sitting on Jaehyun’s left and the other three nodded. Hating how terrible this was, to sit amongst other people and talking to someone that had left them. Someone who would never reply ever again. Someone who wouldn’t guide team River around. Someone who wouldn’t fight Johnny. Someone who wouldn’t smile at Jaehyun and search for his comfort. Jaehyun wouldn’t mind if Doyoung came back and were cruel to him again, as long as he came back.

But Doyoung was gone.

How do you embrace life when it’s cold and cruel? How do accept what has happened when it hurts too much to accept? When it angers you and leaves you feeling so empty? Loss. Something that’s unable to grasp because it’s gone. Absence of someone that has been. A flame that vanishes into thin air, leaving only ashes in its wake and leaving people to roam through the ashes to find some part of what has gone.

But finding a part to hold onto is hard, often we just let them slip away.

Jaehyun found his father on the phone when he came home. His father was smiling when he spoke, but he looked sad. “It’s unbelievable. To die at such a young age…” He wondered. “I cannot understand how someone could end their life when it hasn’t even begun.”

Jaehyun straightened up, the words resonating within him and he turned around to walk into the bathroom, taking off his jacket, his tie and his watch. He ignored the buzzing of his phone and removed the rest of his clothes after turning on the shower. He stepped beneath the water and as the warm water hit him he sighed. How bitter.

It took many days before a spark of light filled Jaehyun’s grey world. They were gathered at the basketball court. Jongin was dribbling the ball without much care and everyone else was silent, a few of them trying to start up a conversation, but none of them could do it.

Jaehyun didn’t know how it happened, but Mark was staring at Johnny before he laughed at something. Everyone looked at Mark in shock at the sound and Johnny who had been struggling with his shoelaces looked up at Mark and chuckled to himself. Taeyong watched Johnny give up with a shrug of his shoulders and he laughed. Mark laughed even more and Johnny hit his knee as his laughter grew. Ten giggled and Hansol hit Johnny as he laughed at the other. Jongin dropped the ball as he laughed and Sehun pointed at him eyes turning into crescents as he laughed at his friend. Jaemin covered his mouth while laughing, Taeil shook his head at them and Jaehyun found his own laugh to be the loudest and Taeyong pushed him playfully and their laughter filled the park with noise. A sound of newfound happiness.

Taeyong ended up being the new captain of team Rivers. Jaehyun and he found themselves hanging out more at court to practice together even if it was getting colder outside. Jaehyun though also found himself taking longer showers and taking breaks in between training. But everyone was finding a way to live after accepting that Doyoung would not come back, but his time with them had been precious.

Ten started to dance where he found happiness that seemed to warm up Jaehyun as well as winter came to greet them. Taeyong often visited Jaehyun and Jaehyun thought it was because he was worrying if Jaehyun would leave as well. Jaehyun knew though that he would never do that willingly.

The two of them were alone one evening, sitting in Jaehyun’s bed and eating evening snacks, a movie on Jaehyun’s laptop and Jaehyun snuggled up against Taeyong’s side. The snow was falling outside and everything was so quiet. The two sat close when the end credits rolled over the screen and Taeyong kissed the top of Jaehyun’s head. Jaehyun couldn’t help but want to talk, because they hadn’t really, they had treaded the subject of Doyoung with cautiousness because suicide was a sensitive topic, but Jaehyun felt like he needed to say it.

  “I won’t leave you like that.” He promised and felt Taeyong stir. He leaned away to see Taeyong’s expression and the other looked at him. Jaehyun smiled. “Life hasn’t even begun, and you can’t give up on it when it hasn’t started.” Jaehyun said, feeling Taeyong’s fingers draw patterns on his thigh. “I want to live.”

Taeyong lips curled into a smile, and he caressed Jaehyun’s hair before leaning close and pressing a kiss to Jaehyun’s forehead. “Thank you.” He said and Jaehyun sighed. Taeyong brushed his lips down the bridge of Jaehyun’s nose and Jaehyun smiled as their lips met in a soft kiss.

Jaehyun was getting suspicious though, because he found his father on the phone most evenings, sitting with the plate of apples and talking to someone that made him smile. Jaehyun found this so odd he went to Ten, sitting with Johnny and Ten at Johnny’s house.

  “He’s smiling!” He gasped and stared at the two in disbelief. “Is my father dating?!”

Ten laughed and Johnny who was doing some light cleaning - which meant taking things and stuffing them away into drawers - put down what he was holding and sat down on his bed which was wide and long enough to fit his long form. Ten leaned against Johnny’s leg as he sat on the floor with Jaehyun. “What’s so wrong about that? He deserves to find someone again.”

Jaehyun shrugged. “It’s weird… What if I don’t like her?”

Johnny frowned, thinking through Jaehyun’s question. “You never know.” He said. “People fall for others and we are not in control of who that’s going to be. It’s up to us to accept them.”

  “Wise words from the senior once again.” Jaehyun said and chuckled. Ten proudly took Johnny’s hand and pressed it to his cheek.

  “Mine.” He said and Johnny laughed at him but Jaehyun couldn’t help but notice how Johnny’s eyes lit up when he looked at Ten. Jaehyun didn’t even cringe, it was somehow too pure for him to think it cheesy. The two really did like each other. Love. It was love.

Jaehyun stopped in the kitchen when his father’s phone rang and he saw his father’s face beam and quickly grabbed the phone. Jaehyun looked at him suspiciously, and Jaehyun’s father answered the call. Jaehyun hoped he would say the name of the person, but his father didn’t and Jaehyun took seat in front of his father, waiting for the other to explain. His father eyed him and suddenly his eyes widened.

  “So Friday is no problem?” He asked and Jaehyun cocked a brow. “Yes we can meet at my apartment.” He said and then silenced. “Oh, well your son can stay at my place, my son Jaehyun is home.”

Jaehyun gawped. He didn’t even want to hear who it was he just fled to his room. “She has a son!” He gossiped to Taeyong who had also been told about Jaehyun’s father dating someone. “And now I’m going to baby sit him, what if he’s 5 or something?!”

There was a bit of ruckus on the other line. Jaehyun waited a bit.

  “Taeyong is something wrong?”

  “I ing hate them.” Taeyong seethed and Jaehyun heard a car honk in the background.

  “Are you outside? It’s late.” Jaehyun sat up and looked outside. “Taeyong what’s wrong?”

Taeyong didn’t reply for a moment. “Can I come to your apartment?”

  “Always.” Jaehyun said and quickly went out into the hallway, walking down the stairs to greet Taeyong when he arrived.

A/N:

Now playing: Sleeping At Last - Sorrow

This has been planned ever since the time in the hospital, remember Doyoung talking to Jaehyun at that time. Yeah, my cruel mind planned ahead.

If you still think it's unclear, don't worry we will hear more about Doyoung later. There's a lot of things going on in this chapter, Johnten being so canon (i love them), Taeyong's parents, Jaehyun's father is dating.... The next chapter will be up this weekend <3

Comments are so appreciated, thank you all for commenting and being with me on this journey <3

Love,
Emma <3