Chapter 39.

If I could take away the sorrows
Etched in you
I would, I would

Ten looked at Jaehyun. “It’s not your fault.” He said.

But his words couldn’t take away the guilt. Jaehyun felt as if he was going to throw up. He felt disgusted with himself. Ten went closer and Jaehyun shook his head to tell the other not to. The breakfast was untouched, the steam was gone as it was cooling down and Jaehyun eyed the falling snow.

Ten had his hands on his face before he finally spoke. “We didn’t do it.” He said as a matter of fact, trying to make it better but Jaehyun didn’t feel better.

  “We did enough.” He said.

  “I can’t make you feel better anymore?” Ten asked a tear on the very brim of falling from his left eye and Jaehyun focused on it before sighing deeply. It fell and Ten’s bottom lip was trembling. “I feel useless.”

Jaehyun looked at his friend. His best friend. His first crush. The boy he held close at night when he cried and acted like he hadn’t shed a tear the next day. The boy that stayed positive and bright when Jaehyun’s mother was withering, making Jaehyun’s mother smile and look so happy. The boy that was like a brother, yet could never be a brother because brothers didn’t kiss like they had done. Brothers didn’t love each other the way they had done. Ten had tried to confess, tried to make their friendship bloom into something more yet Jaehyun had always avoided it. He had always played it off, played it safe. He owed Ten an apology for all those years he had rejected Ten’s feelings when he had clearly felt the same. He had been a coward and had brought Ten a pain he so often had felt from his parents. Yet it was cruel because Jaehyun still pretended to care about Ten’s feelings when he had obviously ignored Ten’s confused and hurt expressions.

Jaehyun sat up, leaning towards Ten to speak but before he could say anything Johnny came in with a large smile.

  “I brought some scented candles that my mom suggested I should bring along. Also I got cake!” He beamed and Ten smiled widely not facing Johnny as he tried to hide the fact that he was crying. Jaehyun smiled a tight smile.

  “I’d like to go for a walk.” Jaehyun said and Johnny eyed Ten before nodding. He put down the boxes of candles and cake then he got the wheelchair over to Jaehyun’s bed and by the help of a nurse they got him in it.

Ten stayed in the room, telling Johnny he didn’t feel that well and so Johnny and Jaehyun ventured out into the hallways of the hospital just the two of them. Jaehyun glanced into the rooms that they passed, he saw some people looking like they had recovered; their visitors were smiling brightly, their faces full of hope. Some was lying lifeless and the family had their faces in their hands, shoulders shaking as they cried. Some had children that had no hair on their heads, looking dehumanized and creature-like. Jaehyun looked straight ahead towards the big windows they were heading to. There was a bench with a great view over Seoul’s hills and Johnny led them towards it. He stopped by a vending machine and sat down on the bench beside Jaehyun’s wheel chair. Jaehyun tasted Johnny’s Sprite and let the tickling sensation of the carbonation linger on his tongue.

  “Did you fight?” Johnny asked after a long moment of silence. Jaehyun was sure they had been sitting there for at least 5 minutes before any of them spoke.

 Jaehyun shrugged. “You can ask Ten.” He said and then sighed. “I’m gonna be gone one day so-”

  “Don’t say that.”

Jaehyun turned to look at Johnny. The taller and older boy’s features were tightened into a mask of light anger. Jaehyun felt like prodding it, making Johnny angry and making him yell at Jaehyun. He wanted Johnny to get up and say that he didn’t care that Jaehyun was dying. He wanted Johnny to take Ten’s hand for them both to leave. Like Taeyong.

He wanted them to distance themselves physically before the world would forever tear them apart.

Jaehyun’s hands curled into fists at the thought of Taeyong. How could he? How could he just leave when Jaehyun was dying? After all the fighting of trying to get together he suddenly backs off? Didn’t Jaehyun matter more?

But isn’t distance what you wanted?

Jaehyun cried. He needed Taeyong. He needed Taeyong not to step back when he was pushed but to hold on even tighter. Yet Taeyong wasn’t there and Jaehyun had ruined what could’ve tied them together. He had held Ten close, he had let Ten kiss him like they once did.

That was cheating, that was a sign of disloyalty. Even if Jaehyun had an idea that this was a relapse of the time 4 years ago, it still didn’t help Jaehyun feel less guilty. He was too weak for Taeyong. That’s why he didn’t beg for the other to come. If Taeyong would walk away from Jaehyun, maybe he should just let him? When Jaehyun was gone, Taeyong wouldn’t have to miss him.

Because he had willingly left.

Taeyong saw Jaehyun’s brown eyes fade until they were only white and one long monotone beep dragged its way into his dream and he was holding Jaehyun’s cold hand. He tried to grip onto it but the skin gave into his touch and vanished into ashes. Taeyong watched the white hospital bed get covered in ashes until a wind blew in from the windows and scattered the ashes of his light. The ashes rose and started swirling around Taeyong making him choke. He gripped his own throat as he cried out Jaehyun’s name.

He woke up with a loud intake of breath eyes wide, yet darkness was all he could see. The image of Jaehyun’s dead body was glued to his memory, as fresh as if he was still in the room and he crawled out of Jaehyun’s bed and the lingering smell of him before stumbling into the living room.

He curled up on the couch in the cold room. Tears rolled down his face and over the bridge of his nose as he tried to rock himself to sleep.

  “Where is Taeyong?” Jaehyun asked right before stepping into the chemotherapy room and Jaehyun’s dad frowned slightly.

  “He’s not been himself lately, he’s usually out before we even wake up but I found him sleeping on the couch yesterday.” Jaehyun’s father had his gaze fixed on the ground and Jaehyun could imagine the scene of Jaehyun’s father stepping out of his room, the door being softly shut not to wake up Jenny. He’d find the curled up figure of Taeyong on the couch, dark brown hair scattered and face hidden by his arms. Jaehyun’s heart ached and he looked into his father’s eyes when the man raised his gaze. Jaehyun’s father shook his head. “I don’t know why, but we all react differently, Jaehyun.”

  “He is acting like I’m dying.” Jaehyun said. “Which only proves that I am.”
 

And so Jaehyun was put into a therapy group of teenagers that have cancer of various stages. Jaehyun was wearing his mother’s chicken beanie because his hair was thinning out. He was paler and skinnier, yet he found a boy that mirrored him perfectly. He was much younger yet his energy and spirit didn’t fade.

  “I’m Donghyuck!” He greeted Jaehyun as they entered a room with chairs set up in a circle. Jaehyun felt more like throwing himself out of the window, but Donghyuck dragged him towards the chairs facing the windows.

  “So what kind of cancer you have?” Jaehyun tried to ask casually.

  “Adenocarcinoma.” The younger boy then said and after Jaehyun frowning in confusion he added; “lung cancer.”

Jaehyun saw something in Donghyuck’s eyes falter, yet he still looked bright. Jaehyun eyed Donghyuck’s bald head. “What stage?” He asked and Donghyuck grinned.

  “Stage IIIA.” He said. “I got around 3 years left to live. They said 5 and well, we’re not really sure if the cancer is improving at all.”

Jaehyun was speechless, he felt utterly terrible for the other. “Gastrointestinal cancer.” Jaehyun said and stretched his lips into a smile while nodding. Donghyuck copied his movement and nodded with him in understanding.

  “Stomach?” He asked.

Jaehyun nodded. “Found in the advanced stage.”

  “You didn’t know before that?” Donghyuck gasped. Jaehyun shook his head, a bitter regret settling in his stomach at the thought. He could’ve prevented all this. He could’ve had a chance. Donghyuck shrugged. “We can’t all know. Like ‘my throat hurts, it’s probably cancer’. Who thinks like that?”

Jaehyun chuckled, feeling lighter. “You’re right.” He said and Donghyuck’s smile was a bit too wide. He winked.

  “I’m always right.”

Jaehyun also met a girl. Her hair was long and black, she had just gotten to know she had cancer and was being treated. Yet she had anxiety before-hand and all the attention and the fear was getting to her head. When she spoke her eyes looked up and met Jaehyun’s and he smiled softly to show her that she was okay.
Smiling to another person and trying not to laugh at Donghyuck’s jokes had Jaehyun walking back most of the way to his hospital room and he felt better.

Until he looked at the cactus.

Where was Taeyong?

A/N:

So as it slightly is told here they didn't really have full on friends. BUT DAMN THE COMMENTS HAD ME SURPRISED. You guys are still reading this story even though I am so slow with the updates. I see that the number of subs are falling though, don't get dicouraged guys. The story may be depressing af but please stay with me on Jaehyun's journey.

I love this story so much I am still writing AND DONGHYUCK AKA HAECHAN FINALLY MADE HIS WAY INTO THIS STORY. I am already loving his character. ;A;

I'll answer some of your comments, but I don't want to spoil so I'll upvote them instead. Thank you for commenting! It really motivated me to update sooner! <3
(Chapter 40 is ready too. I'll update as soon as 41 is done)

ALSO MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS FRIENDS <33333

Love,
Emma. <3