Kyungsoo POV:

 

“Kyungsoo will always be a priority for me, since he is now my fiancé. But I can’t say I love him, because I only look at him as a friend. You have to realize that he should be well taken care of because I need to face the consequence of choosing him as someone to marry. I don’t want him to feel like a burden to this.”

 

I shouldn’t have made my own way.

 

I shouldn’t have followed him.

 

Rather, I shouldn’t have looked for him at all.

 

”You will always be a part of me, Baekhyun.”

 

Wow. Just wow.

 

“And if ever soon, I realize that my heart truly wants you, you know I’ll always come back to you.”

 

Lies. All those ing lies.

 

No wonder he knows Baekhyun.

 

Why does everybody need to lie and hurt others?

 

I should’ve seen this coming.

 

. It hurts so much. Too much.

 

I don’t ing deserve this.

 

I hate myself for this.

 

I don’t know what gotten into me, but all I can ever see of myself was that I was crying, so hard that I couldn’t even see the flowers nor the grass around me. All I could ever see were the tears flowing continuously down to my cheeks, my hands clutched around my face as I covered myself, covering the slightest sob I can let out for the moment.

 

My heart was aching badly.

 

And when I mean by badly, it’s like a knife just sliced through it without my notice.

 

I can’t. I just really can’t.

 

I just want to die right now.

 

Please let me.

 

Remembering the scenario I saw earlier, I couldn’t help but cry even more, I felt like I was being played on, being used as a pawn for some bull kind of chess game that I wasn’t supposed to be involved in the first place.

 

He lied. He lied to me.

 

No, THEY lied to me.

 

How can they do this to me?

 

Why do they always do this to me?

 

---

 

- Flashback –

 

“Hyung, are you sure you want to do this? He might have gone somewhere important and he just didn’t want you to be involved.” Sehun was convincing me that what is actually happening right now was just normal and nothing weird is going on. He was walking back and forth at where I was going as I dress myself up, and when I finally put on a decent sweatshirt, I looked back at him with a sigh.

 

Nothing weird is going on alright. But something fishy is actually going on even more.

 

My heart keeps giving me these anxious feels and if it’s just I am worried for Chanyeol then so be it.

 

I just need to know.

 

“Sehun-ah, please, for the love of jajangmyeon, I need to know where he is. I can’t just sit here and wait for him to come home, you think?” I picked up my bag, which was settled on the bed, placing the straps on both of my shoulders as I was ready to go.

 

“Hyung –” My brother grabbed hold of my arm, as I looked back at him, seeing a worried look drawn on his face.

 

“Hunnie, I need to go. I am his fiancé, am I not? I need to know if he’s okay, or what’s even bothering him. I know you don’t want me to worry too much, but not knowing where Chanyeol is or what he is doing; I can’t calm myself enough to do it.” I stepped up to him just to give him a warm, assuring hug. I gently caressed his back, patting it lightly before pulling away.

 

“Take good care of yourself, Sehun. I’ll be back in a while.” I gave him a gentle smile before turning my back on him to walk out of the room.

 

“You really love him that much do you?” I was already in front of the door, holding onto the knob when his words stop me to think. For a moment there I thought time just stopped, giving me time to sink everything in my head.

 

I don’t.

 

I don’t love him.

 

I just ---

 

I just really am worried for him.

 

I am his fiancé. Even though we don’t love each other, I still have the responsibility to at least make him feel like I care for his well-being.

 

If he looked like he was scared of telling me what it is, it’s okay. I can respect whatever secret he wants to hide from me, and not tell me even.

 

But I don’t know why of all things or secrets that he never tells me ---

 

Why does this kind of secret bother me so much?

 

Why does it feel like I really need to know what it is?

 

There’s this undying beat in my heart, telling me to go and find out.

 

I want to know what’s wrong with him.

 

This has gone too far.

 

He’s been acting so weirdly for the past weeks.

 

“If that’s what you think it is, I don’t know anymore, Sehun.”  I didn’t want to look back, as I just proceeded to open the door, closing it behind me. I walked off to the exit of the room, passing by the small bar and the living area, finally getting out to grasp some fresh air.

 

“Now, where could I find Jongdae lurking in on?” I asked myself as I started walking off to the left wing, hoping to actually see the valet there or wherever his grounds were actually assigned to today.

 

I wouldn’t really worry much, if he hasn’t been ignoring me for the past few weeks.

 

I mean, after what happened on the stairs that night in school we were okay.

 

We usually do the same old routine, trying to pretend we were really something, or we would just hang out and do the stuff that we usually do.

 

Watching movies, eating and drinking at our favorite café, even having late night talks and studying, it was all too normal like the usual.

 

Not until on the fourth day of the first week, as I have clearly remembered.

 

The moment I woke up and said good morning.

 

He looked pale, really pale.

 

Stressed out even.

 

“Chanyeol? What time have you gone to bed? Are you sick?” Was actually the first thing I told him, worried that he might have caught fever after he told me the night before that he needed to finish his paperwork.

 

But no, he didn’t answer me, nor did he even dare to look at me in the eye. He just stood up from the bed, and like the undead, just walked up his way out of the bedroom. I tried to assure myself that he was just tired and needed fresh air, so I left it be for a while and did the same thing I should do.

 

But then, I was wrong.

 

I was all the while so wrong; I couldn’t even make up an explanation for it.

 

That day when class was over, I was hoping for him to come for me inside my classroom, and so I waited. Three hours then passed and not even a single tooth of smile from Chanyeol was seen at the doorstep. I came out to where the bodyguards were waiting for me, and there I knew from Jongdae, who was actually worried sick where the hell I already was that time, told me that Chanyeol had to cater something important and wanted me to go home ahead of him. It wasn’t suspicious to me at first, since I knew that he might be busy because of the appointments he had as per command by his father.

 

But you know what made things so wrong?

 

He made the same old thing, over and over again.

 

And it didn’t just last for days.

 

It took me three weeks to wonder why he was being like that.

 

I left it alone for a while, like for two days or three, thinking that his schedule might be really tight and didn’t really have time for me. I had no choice but to understand, and I knew that being on his shoes was difficult. Only then when I realized it had been a week; that was when I started asking myself questions that I cannot even have the brains to answer.

 

I never saw his shadow the moment I fall asleep on the bed, nor have I even felt his presence the morning I wake up to go to school. Although sometimes, I fall asleep on the floor after waiting for him to come to sleep as I watch TV, realizing the next morning he carried me up to bed, was the only thing that made me feel that he was actually there.

 

 He never sent me a text nor did he just give me a call to wherever he went. I felt disappointed as someone he leaned on to, and as his friend, it was a frustration not knowing how he has been or what he’s been doing. I tried so many times, calling his phone or asking him through text or mail if he wanted to hang out at the café or just even go home together, even at night where I know he is just working his off in his study room, I still text him and ask if he wanted me to go and visit him there, bring him coffee or something or if he wanted to have a movie night just for a little break.

 

But he never replied to any of those.

 

Not even once.

 

Even as I asked him one night if he ever wanted me to wait for him so that we could at least talk before going to sleep, he never responded.

 

It just makes me feel kind of hurt though.

 

It’s as if he is actually showing to me how unimportant I am to him.

 

And that I just like one of his other subjects that he needs to tend on and leave for a while when something more important comes up.

 

I don’t know what to feel right now.

 

I feel bad, I don’t why I feel this way, I should be evenly happy that he doesn’t care about what I do, it gives me freedom to do anything and everything I want.

 

But why does it feel like I don’t want him to just leave me hanging? Like I actually feel safer when I know he worries or cares about me?

 

Or thinks about me?

 

What’s wrong Kyungsoo?

 

What’s the matter Chanyeol?

 

I shook my head to clear it for a while, I don’t want another pile of heavy emotions plus mixed thoughts and such in my head because I am so not ready to face the consequences. I looked around to see if there is anyone around that was familiar to me, until I found the person that I was actually looking for.

 

Jongdae.

 

He was leaning his body on one of the tall palace posts, he looked kind of relaxed, different from what Sehun had described he looked like earlier. I stared at him from afar for a while, trying to build up my strength to face him as I sighed to calm myself. When I felt I was all loose, I walked my way up towards where he is. I examined his expression for a small while, standing from a distance where he wouldn’t see me.

 

That’s strange.

 

Why does he look sad?

 

I can only see the side view of his face, his brows slightly furrowed and his eyes were a bit swollen, sore for some reason, like he cried on something or maybe he had some kind of problem that came up.

 

What was he crying for?

 

He seems really down I can feel from the heaviness.

 

I should probably take it slow with him, I guess.

 

But I still have to be straight to the point with it.

 

“Jongdae-ah. . .”  I called him out; it was a bit faint that what seemed to be like screaming, since I felt like I didn’t have the energy to even say something right now.

 

He looked to his side, looking at me with a bit of a shocked expression, his eyes tell me that he feels anxious, based on how careful his movements are as he stood away from the pole and waited for me to come to him.

 

“K-Kyungsoo, what brings you here today?” He bowed as a sign of respect; I did the same as well, as I looked up back to him.

 

“Have you seen Chanyeol?” I didn’t want to waste any more time for stupid questions as I just wanted this to be faced straight and head on. No more greetings and eventually no more add up questions about uncertain things.

 

I just really want to get this done with today.

 

And if he can’t supply me with the right answers ---

 

I’ll find it out myself.

 

“I – Ugh. . . Well. . .” He wasn’t sure what he was to tell me, it was pretty obvious as he tried to avoid my gaze and looked around the place as if he was reminiscing if he has ever saw the Prince this morning or not, scratching the back of his neck.

 

“Well?” I quirked a brow; folding my arms on my chest, patiently waiting for him to answer my question. I was trying to take things slow for the valet, since I don’t know if he was just ordered by Chanyeol to do some instructions or was told not to actually tell me where his whereabouts are right now.

 

“He is busy at his study right now; he really has a lot of work today.” He calmly said, giving me a gentle smile, trying to actually make me feel that everything will be alright.

 

But then why do I feel like you are lying?

 

You aren’t looking at me straight, like you’re hiding something from me.

 

Lies.

 

You can’t fool me with that smile Jongdae.

 

I know one when I see one.

 

“How long is he going to stay at study room?” I tried to play along with his scheme, looking innocent and making sure that I don’t seem like I know something.

 

“Ugh, that I don’t know, I haven’t knocked on his door since this morning, he wanted me to stay away from it so I gave him space.” He was trying to look jolly, his grin wider like he usually does. But what was off was the way he looks at me, I don’t if he was looking at me nose, or the ends of my lips, because definitely I can tell that he is avoiding my gaze at him, like if he can just distract himself with something else he really would.

 

But that won’t last for long.

 

He should really stop pretending by now.

 

Because my patience is already wearing thin.

 

“Really? That long for him to just wake up every morning and leave me without even telling me? Tell me then, Jongdae, does he really need to keep it a secret if he’s just going to work in his study room?” My question had hit him like he was caught red-handed or something. His smile faded as soon as my face turned from an innocent, smiling one to just a neutral, emotionless one. I looked at him intently; the beads of sweat forming from his forehead were now visible as ever.

 

“What do you mean Kyungsoo? I mean I don’t know what you’re --”

 

“Please Jongdae, I know you are fully aware of what I mean by that. Stop pretending and tell me the truth.” My heart was racing, I know I was soon going to blow mad at him if he still plays on with his drama and won’t give me what I want. But I had to ease myself, to lessen the stress as I softened my muscles that were contracting on my arms, hands already into fists.

 

“Kyungsoo. . . I. – I am sorry. . .” He lowered his head, his was scared, a glint of fear in his eyes as he focused more on the floor than on me, he looked to one side, brushing his hair up. His hands were trembling, he felt nervous and the sadness that I saw earlier came back to him, overcoming every spark in Jongdae’s eyes.

 

“You don’t have to lie to me and you know that, right? You can trust me like how I have trusted you, as Chanyeol does the same. I just want to know where he is, I am worried.” It was my time to lower my gaze, as I felt him raise his head to look back at me. My brows began to furrow; the feelings in my chest are all curled up in a ball that was actually read to blow up in any minute.

 

“Kyungsoo. . . You’re worried about him?”

 

“Jongdae, it’s been like this for the past few weeks, he leaves early and doesn’t wait for me, he goes to school first and when I wait for him when classes are over, he doesn’t even show up. He’s always at his study; he doesn’t even eat dinner with his parents anymore.” I don’t understand, but at some point I just really felt like I was the one who is supposed to cry right now. I feel like I was being left out on everything that I needed to know, even as a “pretend-to-be” fiancé, I still need to at least feel like I belong, and not like leave me on the edge where everything is just beginning to be put in its place.

 

“Wait, wait what? You haven’t seen him since?” The valet’s eyes widened in shock, I knew his expression wasn’t play pretend anymore, he looked away and tried to think on things through the past few days, brushing his one sided hair up once more.

 

“What do you mean? You didn’t know that we haven’t even seen the shadows of each other since?” I felt even more anxious, Jongdae was even more blown and all blank about the situation at hand, he didn’t even know about me and Chanyeol not even batting an eyelash at each other.

 

“No, he just actually texts or calls me the moment classes are done, and tells me that he needs to be somewhere important, and will just have to wait for you to be taken back home, I usually ask him if he told you where he’s going and he tells me he did.”

 

I was silent for a moment, dumbstruck as I heard what Jongdae just said. I looked at him in the eye, trying to know if he was telling the truth, and I swear to the pits of my stomach I can’t see anything in his eyes, it’s all blank and eventually clueless.

 

He honestly didn’t know any of this.

 

More so, he doesn’t even have a clue of what was going on between me and Chanyeol.

 

Am I the only one panicking here?

 

Why should I even get my head all so worked up being worried about this ing Prince who doesn’t even have the least manners to tell me where he’s been and what he’s been up to.

 

So much for taking care of me and being such a good friend to Jongdae.

 

What a liar. Of all things I hate are ing lies.

 

I shouldn’t even be caring about what he does all his life for all I have to ing care.

 

But damn I hate my heart for hurting so much when he makes such a fuss without me.

 

Why are you hurting? I don’t even know what to feel about this anymore.

 

WHY DO YOU ING CARE ABOUT HIM DO KYUNGSOO?

 

I just want to know answers, that’s it.

 

And when I do I promise I’ll stop looking for him and to leave him alone.

 

I won’t bother look for him anymore, it I don’t even want to care about him any longer.

 

I’ll just do what I need to do as his fiancé and if all of this ing nonsense ends, I am so out of this damned life.

 

“He d-did? I didn’t know any of this.” I shrugged, I couldn’t take the squeeze in my chest anymore. It felt like I just really want to run away from this Palace and never show face to anyone of these people anymore.

 

“So he lied to me. . .” Jongdae faintly said, looking as dumbstruck as I am right now, he walked away for a while, roaming around back and forth, thinking or more probably couldn’t even believe what Chanyeol had done. I can even here a faint whisper of him saying “Damn you, Chanyeol” from afar before he went back to face me.

 

“Head off to school, I know it’s a weekend and there might not be classes as of the moment, but you can tell the guards to let you in because you have to talk to your teacher about grades. I’ll call Junmyeon-nim to let you in and I’ll tell him it’s something urgent.” The valet was being straightforward now, he rubbed the side of my arm, trying to comfort me and assuring me that I’ll be able to see Chanyeol there today.

 

“I’ll head off to him now then.” Was the only words I could ever muster right now. I am in a state where I don’t actually understand what I am supposed to feel or what I am supposed to even say and do. I turned around, ready to head off to the gate before Jongdae held me by the arm, making look back at him.

 

“Be strong, Kyungsoo. I honestly do not know what he is up to right now.” He looked concerned, I don’t know what else would be in store for me the moment I find where Chanyeol is, but Jongdae seems to want me to be extra careful.

 

“What are you trying to say?”

 

“Just – Whatever happens, please understand him. I know he’s been through a lot of trouble lately, even I don’t even know what’s he’s been up to, but I want you to please, just please. . .” His voice sounded desperate, he felt like he was also hurting deep inside, like there was something about what Chanyeol did, that affected him badly to even look like this.

 

No one deserves to be hurting because of Chanyeol’s problems.

 

Or being as a troublesome kid.

 

I don’t know what to actually say about this, not until I find out the cause of it.

 

 I must be really on my way.

 

“Okay, I’ll see what I can do. I’ll try.” I nodded to Jongdae, giving him a warm smile, just to cheer him up a little. I know he feels quite heavy the same as I do, despite the fact that I guess mine heavier. I walked off then after, without looking back any further since I was much in a hurry. I exited the Palace Gates and immediately rode a taxi off to school.

 

He better give me a good explanation as to why these things are happening.

 

Or else I am so going to stab him with a knife for making me worry too much when he tells me he just failed his subjects or something.

 

The ride to school wasn’t that far, since the Palace was more so like 15 minutes away. As I got out of the taxi, I immediately got out and rushed up to the school gates. The guard didn’t ask me anything then, as I have guessed Jongdae called up Junmyeon-nim to let me come in. Usually during the weekends, the school grounds are closed since these are the times where teachers get their time off for rest and at the same time to focus more on working with the piled paperwork they haven’t finished since there were a lot of them. Students were only allowed inside the school when they had tutors or practices for sports or musicals or projects that are needed to be made or passed on a Monday.

 

I went up to the corridors, near the lockers, scanning each and every side, hoping to see a thousand watt smile, but yet to no avail. I scanned each and every classroom, hoping that I might see him slacking off or sleeping beside a window or an armchair but ---

 

Still to no avail.

 

Where is he?

 

Chanyeol why do you make me worry so much?

 

I walked out of the last classroom in the third floor that I knew, heading back down to the second floor as my head swayed slowly, just staring at the ground and feeling lifeless.

 

“Why are you doing this to me?” I whispered to myself as I stopped walking, leaning my body to the side near a wall. I felt like the world was being mean to me, telling me like what I have actually done was a mistake and the decision that I made for myself was purely wrong in such a way.

 

All I ever wanted was to make things right, and to eventually please people. I know I couldn’t please everyone, but for the least to make them happy. All I wanted for Chanyeol was to make him feel that despite the world being against him, I want to make him know that all he is doing is for the better, and that there is nothing to be afraid of, most especially when you make a mistake.

 

He cared for me, took me as if I was his own, and he was mine, and all I wanted was to return the same favor. He knows some of my problems, my hopes and dreams; I know some of his, but not all of it. I wanted him to know that even if his father, his mother or Jongin even, although they never planted trust on the Prince, I just wanted to make him feel that he could always trust me with situations, things and others that he should be pondering about.

 

But why can’t he trust me enough to know his problems?

 

Why can’t he trust me to tell things?

 

What is this that he’s hiding that he doesn’t want me to know?

 

“Why are doing this?! Why does this have to be so difficult for the both of us? Chanyeol why can’t we – ”

 

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard someone scream from outside. His words were actually cut off, the last words sounded a bit faded since it was only like an echo that just happened to pass by the corridors.

 

That voice.

 

It sounded so familiar.

 

Who was that?

 

“Where could that voice come from?” I looked around, walking up to each side of the to see if there was someone talking inside the corridors, as I realized there was none, I walked back to where I came from, popping my head out of one of the large windows on the side near the lockers.

 

“Where could that voice be coming from?” I looked from left to ride, looking down to where I saw the wide garden; I tried to keep extra quiet for a while, hoping to hear the same voice again. My heart was lifting up a bit, a little sign that there was a bit of hope and at the same time a bit of anxiousness mixed in one.

 

“. . . That’s an order. Give me back the Royal Band.”

 

Royal Band?

 

What is that?

 

But that voice ---

 

That so familiar voice.

 

Chanyeol.

 

I heard it loud and clear, it was Chanyeol, and I definitely wasn’t wrong about that. The source of his voice was practically on the other right side of the garden, where the children’s playground was located. I didn’t waste much time anymore, as I rushed down to the nearest fire exit, where I could easily get down and head off exactly to the playground. I rushed on to two corridors on the right before reaching an open fire exit. My feet were all in a rush as I got down the stairs, tipping my toes at the same time so as to not make any noise.

 

When I finally got my feet to feel pure soil of the solid ground, I immediately rushed to my way to the playground, finding that I have passed by on the right side where no one couldn’t see me coming from afar, and when I saw a pair of seesaws parallel to each other, I already knew that I was finally at the place where I wanted to be.

 

Chanyeol must be at the center of the playground where the swings are.

 

But what is he even doing there?

 

I was  rushing from the back of the building, passing by the other side of the playground, in which this was the hidden side of the place. This is where some children like to sneak up or hide when they play, because they surely know that they couldn’t be caught in this side of the playground. Other times this is where some of the freshmen peek out to see if their crushes or seniors that they idolize have been hanging around here, as they secretly take picture of the without getting caught or being seen.

 

I was already midway to the center of the playground, but stopped short for a while, seeing that I haven’t fully got out to make myself known, I closed my eyes and squeezed the pendant, praying for a little strength, and hoping nothing wrong or nothing mahor is really going on.

 

Pendant, I so trust in you right now.

 

Please give me the strength to face whatever this is.

 

I am ready.

 

After I did a long and heavy sigh, I slowly walked forward, still in tiptoe, so that Chanyeol would be surprised to actually see me. I was so ready to see the shock in his face when I go and pop out of in front of his eyes.

 

When I reached the edge of the building, I placed my hand there, leaning into it, as I crouched a little bit just to take cover, I slowly tried to pop my head out, sneaking or more so peeping at the center of the playground to see what was going on.

 

Well here goes nothing.

 

My eyes were closed when I began to pop my head out a bit, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything for a while, as I was making sure my position was safe for me, enough to hide myself for a short while, I was about to open my eyes, happily ready  to pay attention when ---

 

“I am very sorry. I really am. I don’t want to see you cry, nor do I want to see you hurting like this because of me.”

 

What?

 

Those words.

 

"I don't want to see you crying like this. . ."

 

Is the same as how Chanyeol told me he didn’t want to see me cry.

 

Who is he talking to?

 

I quickly opened my eyes. Much to my dismay, I felt like my world crushed and broke down right in front of me. My mind went all blank, empty all of a sudden, as I felt my pupils shrink at the sight that I have seen.

 

No.

 

No.

 

I can’t believe it.

 

I just ---

 

No. . .

 

B-Baekhyun?

 

Chan. . . Yeol?

 

What is going on here?

 

I can feel my hands tremble; they are shaking in fear as I feel my heartbeat race even faster, like it was soon going to be erupting, cracked and broken in two equal halves.

 

They were hugging each other, Baekhyun’s arms draped around Chanyeol’s waist, while the giant was practically playing along with the soft locks of my only best friend. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them, no matter how much I want to do it right now. No matter how much I want to ruin this moment and show up, and tell them what the hell is ing going on in here, and to eventually make them kneel and ask for forgiveness to tell me the damn truth – sad thing is, I can’t.

 

I am not like that.

 

I don’t ruin other people’s scenes, even if I know ---

 

Even if I know it’s hurting me right now.

 

It’s already hurting me, like an arrow just got right through my heart, where it shouldn’t be.

 

“They know each other. . .” I whispered to myself, my voice beginning to sound hoarse and sore. I couldn’t get myself to think, nor could I get myself to stand up from my current position. I felt like I couldn’t even speak anymore, much more, my body was already numb and shaking.

 

So, they’ve been together for so long?

 

How could they not tell me this?

 

How could they like and hide this from me?

 

“Who else am I going to cry for? Who else am I going to shed these useless tears for, huh Chanyeol? I love you so much it hurts me to see you go.” I heard Baekhyun say, his gaze fully locked on Chanyeol’s as he stares at him like the love sick beagle that he is. I couldn’t fully see Chanyeol’s face, or what his expression is, but only his side view tells me that I can draw out a small smile on his face.

 

So this is what Baekhyun means.

 

What he meant why I couldn’t understand his mere jealousy towards me being the Prince’s fiancé.

 

What he meant when he told me that his love for him wasn’t just that of an infatuation.

 

“Oh? Now you're concerned about Chanyeol's well-being? What have you been eating this morning? Has Chanyeol given you some tender, loving, care now?"  

 

Baekhyun’s words.

 

"I thought you would understand that my love for Chanyeol isn't just an imagination, and I thought you would understand how this would make me feel when I see you get engaged with the man I have always loved."

 

All of what he said to me before.

 

"You know that I have always loved Chanyeol even from afar. And theses feelings are true and existent. You already know how I had feelings for him even as a kid who became his fan. . ."

 

They’re all in my head.

 

But no.

 

Baekhyun lied to me.

 

He said he loved him from afar and as a fan ---

 

But no.

 

He already knows Chanyeol a long time ago.

 

They’ve been friends all along.

 

He lied to me.

 

They all lied to me.

 

My free hand was forming a fist in my chest, crumpling the cloth of my sweater as I gripped on it tighter. The pain I am feeling right now isn’t just pain I can tolerate longer, it is some kind of pain that was foreign, yet all too familiar to me, that I can’t put it all in my heart and just throw it away to be faced on another day.

 

This pain ---

 

It hurts too much.

 

I don’t know why I feel this way.

 

I remember feeling something like this before. . .

 

But I don’t know when and how.

 

I feel like I am going to faint any minute.

 

I think I am going to die of a heart attack.

 

No, I just want to die right now.

 

Why is it so painful Kyungsoo?

 

My knees were beginning to wobble, I was getting weaker by the minute each time I see both of them warm and comfy in each other’s arms, I couldn’t understand why I feel this way, I shouldn’t even bother feel like this if they really were a couple, I don’t have any right to feel this way.

 

I am nothing to Chanyeol.

 

More so, I am nothing to Baekhyun anymore either.

 

The only thing I should be hurting about is just the fact that they lied to me.

 

That’s just it and nothing else.

 

But why does this pain feel like it’s not going to stop from just there?

 

I feel hurt seeing them together.

 

I feel hurt seeing them close to each other.

 

I don’t understand, Soo.

 

Why is your heart hurting so badly?

 

“You know that we can’t stay like this forever. I am a Prince, and I have no freedom to do just whatever I want to. I want to love you, I really do. But it just really won’t work out between the two of us anymore.” Chanyeol said as he continued to caress Baekhyun’s hair, they were pretty much like waltzing a bit, like maybe it has been their habit most especially when are standing and hugging each other. I looked down to the ground, letting the side of my body fully lean on the edge of the building wall.

 

“Is it because you love Kyungsoo now? Is that it? Is it because you fell for him? Is that it? Is this why you are leaving me?” Baekhyun’s question made me raise my head to look at what Chanyeol had to say. My heartbeat stopped racing for a while, anticipating whatever Chanyeol has to answer about his question.

 

Why am I expecting something?

 

Why am I expecting that Chanyeol would say something that I want to hear?

 

Like he ---

 

He loves me?

 

Why am I actually expecting him to say it?

 

I saw him take a deep breath, thinking of what he should respond before looking back at Baekhyun with a smile.

 

”Kyungsoo will always be a priority for me, since he is now my fiancé. But I can’t say I love him, because I only look at him as a friend. You have to realize that he should be well taken care of because I need to face the consequence of choosing him as someone to marry. I don’t want him to feel like a burden to this.” After what the Prince said, the shorter just let himself snuggle on Chanyeol’s chest, as the latter just probably is enjoying how Baekhyun is so clingy to him.

 

Oh.

 

Yeah, he is right.

 

I am just his friend.

 

I am just like one of his other subjects.

 

That is just forcefully taken responsibility of because it is needed.

 

If he thinks what we are doing isn’t a burden to me ---

 

Then that’s where he’s wrong.

 

Ever since this stupid thing began, it had always been a hard burden to be carried on.

 

Why is his words cut like a knife?

 

Why is it so painful?

 

I can feel my eyes begin to well; I was trying to stop the tears from forming, yet sadly to no avail. The tears began falling down my cheeks uncontrollably; I left it to do what it wants to do, my heart couldn’t handle the heaviness and the pain anymore. I looked back down to the ground, trying to stop a muffled sob to come out of my mouth as I tried to hard to cover it with both of my shaking hands.

 

“Why does this have to happen between the both of us?” Even as I don’t see it, I knew Baekhyun was crying as well, I looked up to witness what they were still doing, since I had it in me to stay strong despite the fact that I am currently soon going to breakdown.

 

“I have duties, and I have to put them first for now, because everyone is watching over me, and I am needed to do it because it is my obligation. You will always be a part of me, Baekhyun. But right now, my heart is just too confused and mixed. And if ever soon, I realize that my heart truly wants you, you know I’ll always come back to you.” Chanyeol kissed his forehead, like it was as if Baekhyun was a fragile diamond in the rough, the other letting himself indulge in the sweetness and the time they still have for each other.

 

Wow.

 

Chanyeol ---

 

Really loves Baekhyun that much.

 

Yeah. . .

 

He can go back to Baekhyun whenever he wants.

 

Who am I to stop them? I am just his “pretend-to-be” fiancé.

 

And if my work’s done here they both could go back and make their way to the altar if they want.

 

I can be their best man for them if they want to too.

 

I am just a burden, and I am the large, thick barrier that is depriving them of being together.

 

I am that big, ugly wall that is stopping them from loving each other.

 

I am that burden, that is keeping them away from each other.

 

This is all my fault then, is it?

 

I should’ve known this would happen before the Engagement.

 

So that I won’t think twice and would actually come with Baekhyun and run away.

 

This is ing bull.

 

I made myself a fool.

 

ALL OVER AGAIN.

 

“I love you, Chanyeol. Always remember that.” Were the last words I heard from Baekhyun before they closed their distance and kissed. My eyes grew wider as I saw, quickly turning my back away from what I saw. I have had enough of the pain I felt today, and I don’t want to deepen it any further. I closed my eyes, slowly running out of the playground as I rushed back up to the fire exit, entering the corridors of the school once again. I closed the door from behind me, leaning my back on it, as I helplessly let myself cry louder.

 

“Why are you crying Do Kyungsoo? Why are you feeling this way?” I slowly let myself fall on the ground, soon folding my legs close to my chest as I let my arms hug them around, letting my head fall in between my knees. I cannot contain myself any longer, my heart was failing me, my brain is nowhere to be found as I have realized I felt so empty and worthless – deep inside I felt like I was nothing.

 

I have always been a nobody.

 

I know I have always been someone no one can ever look up to.

 

I am nothing I know.

 

I sobbed, I screamed in between the sheets of my pants, I let the tears flow down as far as where it goes, without caring if someone here’s me or not anymore.

 

“I-I will never b-be like B-Baekhyun. . . I-I will n-never b-be l-loved as m-much as he i-is” I stuttered, I was so vulnerable right now, my heart and soul were as weak as torn paper being burned into ashes easily. My heart was calling out for Chanyeol, crying out to him, telling him why has he done such a thing? Why does he have to do such a thing? For me to get hurt, to be cheated and for me to look like a fool, for needing him when in fact I knew he will never be there for me – for making me feel worthless in his eyes, that no matter how hard I try, I will never be what he wants, I will never be what he truly needs.

 

I will never be a person that he can learn to love.

 

My heart was right; I wasn’t just being worried for Chanyeol because I was obliged to.

 

I wasn’t just having these mixed feelings for him all these months because of the skin ships we had.

 

I really feel so cheated. So hurt I couldn’t get to describe the pain anymore.

 

But even so, although I know he’s already been doing this.

 

I still have to forgive.

 

I can never hold grudges against him.

 

I will always forgive him no matter how many times he hurts me. Even if he kills me with this pain, I will still give him a chance and forgive him.

 

Now I know why I was needing for him, why I keep looking for him and why I keep denying things about him.

 

Now I know why I feel so hurt, yet so forgiving for him.

 

Now I know why ---

 

Even as he breaks my heart. . .

 

I’ll still love him.

 

Yes.

 

Deep down I have been keeping it in, trying to stop the feeling from growing because I know it’s dangerous, deep down I know I was lying to myself because I know this will be bad for me, I know it will cause a catastrophe ---

 

But I guess what Baekhyun said was right all along.

 

I shouldn’t trust my feelings.

 

". . . And I always trusted you. Always. But what I can never trust is the heart and the mind you have, Kyung. You know what I mean. And I hope you realize your actions have spoken too loud than your precious words."

 

And for the first time, Baekhyun was actually right.

 

I have fallen in love with him

 

I am in love with him.

 

I love him.

 

I love Chanyeol.

 

----

 

Author’s Notes:

Hey guys!!! I am backkkk ~!!! <3 <3 <3

Chapter Fifteen done!! * u *

Actually this is one of the highlighted chapters in my story, probably because as you can see, this chapter is only focused on one person ---

And that is Kyungsoo. T u T

I am really sorry for the very late update, I had to finish a term paper first before I got to have time to finish this. It was actually hard since every single time I write my term paper, I usually write a little more in this chapter at the same time, realizing that I have wrote it in my term paper instead of here -_-“

But no worries ~ <3

Here’s an update for ya as promised ^_^

Thanks always for being patient in waiting for the next update, and thank you so much to everyone who stays tuned in this story <3

Will begin with Chapter Sixteen very soon T u T I hope I can update sooner now since there are less assignments. <3

Anyways, enjoy and happy reading everyone ~ <3

*puing-puing ~ ^^*