Byun Baekhyun's Diary

Monday, 1/5/16

Hello, my name is Byun Baekhyun *laughs*. I'm a 25-year-old male who devoted himself to singing. This is really awkward, I've never written a diary before ^0^ so I don't know what to write. Taeyeon gave it to me on my 24th birthday and I've never got a chance to use it. I've made the decision to come back to EXO. I arrived last night and so far, no one seems to be welcoming me at all. I'm really lonely so I asked myself,"Why not just write it in my diary?".

So yeah, I don't know what to write in here much. This is so weird. I feel like I'm writing out my most private thoughts and I feel kinda exposed but yeah, I think I kinda enjoy this. 

Okay, I'll write more later. 

XOXO

Baekhyun :>

Thursday,  1/8/16

I'm really happy today! I just found out that it was Chanyeol who took care of me last night when I was extremely sick. Even though I don't recall anything from what happened  last night but knowing the fact that he still cares make me beyond happy. Wow, I feel like a giddy teenage girl right now :D. I'm so glad that this is my personal diary. I would die of embarrassment if someone read this (>///<)

Saturday, 1/10/16

The practice went really well today! I was being praised by the music teacher for doing an excellent job at my part in "Sing For You". Honestly, I'm kinda surprised myself. My vocal chord decided to stop giving me a hard time today. I was filled with joy to the point where I nearly cry. I haven't sung in the past 2 years and it feels so good to be able to sing again~ 

Best day ever!

XOXO.

Tuesday, 1/13/16

Chanyeol is really upset with me today. He thought I had an eating disorder. He looked like he was about to cry. I feel so terrible for lying to him. I just love him so much. How can I tell him that I am diagnosed with such a scary sickness? How can I tell that I may die any moment? 

I can't. I don't want him to worry. I don't want to be a burden on him. I don't want him to be sad every time he is by my side.

Sometimes I sit back and rethink about the moments in my life that make me the happiest. To be honestly speaking, the happiest day of my life was the day I found love. I never knew that love had a sound, until I heard Chanyeol's laugh.

Friday,  1/16/16

I saw them. I saw Kyungsoo and Chanyeol kissed in the kitchen. At first, I thought my eyes were playing a trick on me but it wasn't. I hate it. I hate the fact that they look so right next to each other. I hate how Kyungsoo fits perfectly in Chanyeol's embrace. It was supposed to be me! In his arms! Not D.O!

But then again, who am I to speak about what or who Chanyeol should be with? Isn't it suppose to be this way? I wanted this didn't I? Then why the hell am I crying?

Byun Baekhyun, get a grip on yourself. 

Sunday, 1/18/15

OMG CRAZY S HAPPENED TODAY.

FREAKIN DO KYUNGSOO FOUND OUT ABOUT MY SICKNESS. GOSH, I WANTED TO DIE. WHAT IF HE TELL CHANYEOL? I TRIED TO EXPLAIN AND I EVEN CRIED IN FRONT OF HM! I WAS SO PATHETIC. WHY? WHY? OUT OF ANYONE? WHY HIM?

Sunday, 1/18/16

I walked out of the shower today and I didn't see Chanyeol. I was scared. I had a feeling that he would be with D.O but when I knocked on the door, nothing happened. I waited and D.O came back. I was so scared that he already tell Chanyeol but judging from his red, blotchy face, it doesn't seem to be the case.

He told me that he feel in love with Chanyeol even before I started dating Chanyeol. I felt horrible. Why hasn't I notice it before? How long did D.O have to suffer?

He went on and on about other stuff but I kinda blocked it out of my head. But all of a sudden, he offered to takes care of me. I was really shocked but I took on the offer because after all, isn't it better to be with D.O so the chances of Chanyeol finding out about my sickness will reduce?

I was really touched by D.O's words too. Who knew D.O could be so affectionate?

Monday, 1/19/16

The doctor said I only have 2 weeks to live.

Tuesday, 1/20/16

I woke up today and another large amount of hair is spread all over my bedsheet.

Wednesday, 1/21/16

D.O walked in today with another cup of strawberry smoothie. But I didn't want it. I slapped his hand away when he was trying to feed me. The smoothie spilled all over the floor.  I feel bad.

Thursday, 1/22/16

I haven't walked out of this bedroom for a week now. The members are probably wondering what is going with me but I don't want to walk out of this room. I'm hideous. I don't want anyone to see me like this. Not like this.

Friday, 1/23/16

D.O did something strange today. He knocked on the door earlier. I told him to come in but after shuffling his feet a few times outside the door, he walked away. He then enters the room afterward. I asked him why did he knocked but didn't come in earlier. He told me it wasn't him, and that he just got back from the kitchen.

What a strange kid.

Saturday, 1/24/16

All the members are not home. They're busy practicing for the concert. I don't know if I'll be able to perform. If I'm still alive to perform.

Sunday, 1/25/16

I went to look at myself in the mirror for the first time after the day I got the news that I only have 2 more weeks to live. 

I am bald. Completely bald. My face is an ashy color. My cheeks are even more sunken than it was before. There are huge bags under my eyes.

I threw a chair at my reflection. It smashes against the mirror. Little pieces landed at my feet. D.O walked in and he pulled me back, preventing me from hurting myself. 

But how can I not? The person who's looking back at me is a monster. It was hideous. It's taking my life away.

Give me back my old self. Give me back Byun Baekhyun.

Monday, 1/26/16

D.O stays home today. Our concert is 3 days away and the members are are urging D.O to make me get out of the room. D.O said that he can't stand seeing me like this. I refuse to eat, refuse to leave my bed, and even refuse to take my medicine.

I want to die.

Tuesday, 1/27/16

D.O stays home again today. But he said he wanted to spend a day with me. He dressed me up and he looks happy. We walked to downtown Seoul.

He took me to my favorite ice cream place. We eat chocolate ice cream. I haven't eaten it in such a long time.

Then we went to buy clothes but none of it fits me. It was too big. D.O frowned.

Then he pulled me past several stores and went inside a small store at the corner. I stepped inside.

Wigs are displayed everywhere. There are different styles for both male and female. Colorful wigs decorated the store, making it unique and welcoming in a way. D.O talked to the owner and she nodded her head. She then came back with a black, short wig in her hand. She told me to sit down and carefully put it on my head. She styles it, parting the bangs in the middle, making it falls softly past my cheeks. Then she quickly and step away.

I nearly cried when I saw my reflection in the mirror. It was tears of joy, believe me. D.O pulled me into his arms and cried along with me.

Today was a good day.

Wednesday, 1/28/16

I coughed up blood again. This time more severely. A tiny piece of my throat came out. It hurts. It was painful. It causes me to lose my balance and I knocked my head against the edge of the counter. A trail of blood traveling down the side of my face.

Please. Someone. Please.

I'm begging you.

Please save me.