I woke up the next morning to the sound of my alarm.

My head was pounding and my eyes stung as i tried to open them.

What happened yesterday felt like a terrible nightmare...... or at least i wish it was a nightmare.

I rolled over to grab my phone from my nightstand to check the time.

. im late.

I jumped out of bed and quickly got ready for work.

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It was 10 am.... i should have been at work by 6. 
I quickly grabbed a banana from the kitchen counter and bolted out the door.

Just my luck.

It was dark and gloomy. Rain fell from the sky as fast as a shower head would pour water down into a bathtub.

I didnt have time to grab my umbrella, so instead, i put my hood on and ran for it.

Something about this dark sky and gloomy weather was making my heart race. I could feel my nerves kick in and my vision get blurry. I tried to focus on the road as i made my way to the building, holding on to whatever i could to stay on the right path.

"watch where you're going!" someone yelled as i bumped into them

"im sorry" i bowed and started to run faster

My heart was racing. My face was cold. I could see the fog leaving my mouth. 

Something inside of me wasn't right. I knew i needed to escape from the rain.

After running for 10 minutes, i finally made it to YG, i was soaked in water, breathing heavily as i tried getting a grip on my own nerves and calming my heartbeat.

I quickly apologized for being late to the workers at the front counter and headed to the practice room.

I opened the door to find no one there.

"that's odd.." i said to myself in between my deep breaths

I messaged Junhoe asking where everyone was, but i didnt get a reply.

I opened each door as i walked down the hall, hoping to spot someone. But everything was empty.

I dont know if it was the effects of the hang over but something inside of me felt uneasy. The weather, the rain, my drenched clothes and now this. Everything just made me feel so incredibly uneasy.

I started gasping for air and the room started spinning. I leaned against the wall and shut my eyes. "get a hold of yourself Jen" i whispered to myself

It was only then i began to connect the dots. The sudden loss of breath, blurry vision, increased heart beat...... i hadnt had this sort of problem in such a long time..... But this feeling of anxiety became uncomfortably familiar again....... it was the start of a panic attack..... and i needed to control it before it got worse.

I walked slowly through the hall, into another while leaning on the wall to keep myself steady. My body suddenly felt light and heavy at the same time, it was so hard to stay on my own two feet. Soon the problem became external as I felt the walls closing in on me, trapping me in my own dark thoughts. 

From the end of the hall i could see a dark shadow absorbing everything in it's path as it came sweeping towards me. 
I needed to run. I couldnt allow myself to be trapped in this darkness again. 

I was afraid.

My panic attacks never made any sense to me. As much as i suffered with the problem internally, there were always things out of my control that would make them worse. 

I used to always imagine my fear as a dark shadow, which is what i’d see when my attacks were at their peak. 

I tried my best to walk to some place where people were around, but each step i took became harder and heavier. I began to see a dark shadow make its way closer and closer towards me. And no matter how fast i tried to escape it, it always seemed to catch up. 

It was at my feet, and my mind began to imagine it gripping my ankles. The sudden image in my mind influenced how i exerted my energy. My feet began to drag on the ground.... all this fear was all too real to me..... and the darkness was dragging me down. 

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