UPDATED: 250915

17 June 2014

12:00pm

Yeonhee was too excited to show mom the house, but her father asked her to postpone that. He told her that mom is probably tired.

Everyone was except that kiddo.

I was tired. I wanted to sleep, but how can someone sleep while there is so much to do? The visual shock was too strong for me to process anything.

They have a garden that one may get lost in. They have two pools, as if one was not enough. One is inside the house, and the other is out, but it was a little bit further from the house. I mean, you can invite some friends and have fun there without letting them into the house.

Near the house there was an annexe. It was well-furnished just like the house.

Okay, I have never met chaebols in my life. I have never seen their lifestyles, except in a drama or in TV.

I've had some expectations to how rich they are and I was wrong.

The house was too big for a man and his daughter to live in. Yes, along with the servants.

But still, this is too much.

Mom's husband had our rooms prepared for us. Can you believe that I had a whole wing for myself?

My house is a wing compared to their house.

I don't know why I am suddenly so uncomfortable.

Is it because I unknowingly feel inferior when I walk in the house or because mom's smiling way too much? Or is it because I find it intimidating that someone can be this rich, I am not sure.

For someone to posses this amount of money is kind of scary.

That is how I think.

Don't judge me.

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3:02pm

I ate nothing. I slept and when I woke up, everything hurts.

I didn't know how much time I spent sleeping in this sofa until I saw my phone. I found my bag near on my new bed. I think someone brought here while I was sleeping, treating me like the princess I'm going to be during my stay in this house.

My head hurts, but I totally forgot about my headache. I walked to the ceiling-to-floor glass window and I was amazed by the view.

I can see the sea, even if it was a bit far. I couldn't help but get a little excited at the sight of it.

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3:20pm

I dressed up, pulled my hair up and wore a big smile. A smile I couldn't hide. I got out of my room, it is still strange to call it my room, because I am just a guest here, I don't own it.

I will never do.

I climbed down the stairs and I am more happy that I didn't get to meet anyone.

I secretly wished that no one would see me this happy. I don't want them to misunderstood this smile as me being happy with this rich life, this big spacious house, this luxury furniture.

I don't want anyone to think I am happy about mom getting married to a chaebol. I am not yet satisfied with the fact that she is to marry for the fourth time.

Oh. The house too is easy to get lost in.

I thought about postponing thinking about mom and the marriage and the stupid girl and the new situation for awhile. For my own sake and for my transient joy not to get ruined.

I am going to swim in the sea.

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3:24pm

Before I even step into the soft sand, I started taking my clothes off.

My black t-shirt flew up high followed by my jeans and slippers.

And I ran to what's before my eyes.

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4:00pm

Blue.

And blue.

And yellow.

Little green, and then so much blue.

Too much that you can dive in.

So many different colors mixed up in a natural painting. A live painting. Something that you can't purchase but have time to look at it.

It's too pretty, you can't get bored.

I don't want to close my eyes, but I did close them to bury this beautiful memory in my head. To keep it there. To lock it in a box in my head so I would go to it whenever I can.

 The sun has never bothered me.

I love the sun and its warmth.

It is hot most of the days, and people would curse the sun, but I don't.

I feel like the sun is my only friend.

The only friend that knows, sees, and lives everything that happened to me.

When I cry, when I smile, when I sleep, when I wake up, when I get angry and when I get so happy.

Every moment, every day.

It smiles at me when I am down, smiles at me when I'm not.

It's always there to tell me it is okay.

Everything will be okay.

It is always there to draw the darkness off me.

It is always there.

I can feel her touch.

As her little rays reach my eyes in the morning to wake me up, as they also reach my face or my limbs in mid of the day, as they say goodbye to me when it sets down.

I always feel her.

I can feel her at night through the moon.

I read when I was young, that the moon is in love with the sun for ages.

Since both of them can't be together, although he's madly in love with her, he began to do what she does, as if he did that he will feel her presence. That's how he can cure himself from missing her.

He can't do it exactly as she does it, but he does it differently.

He watches over the people she watches over. He lights the earth, not as she does, of course, but it was tolerable. It is actually more than that. It was beautiful.

The moonlight was every beautiful word in every language.

I kept my eyes closed.

Let the sun touch me, since this how we communicate.

And I floated.

Arms apart from my body, legs are the same, feeling the little waves against my skin, and I fly in another world.

My childhood rewind in my head as I feel the water be me.

I used to swim in the Han river.

It is my first time swimming in the sea.

Maybe if I would thank someone for this, it would be mom's husband.

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5:00 pm

I squeezed my hair. I had that shadow smile in my lips.

I can't get it away as I rewind the feeling of water against my body.

This funny feeling where I am out of water but I still feel like I am in is happening.

It makes me smile. Ache for the old days, but smile again.

I collected my clothes, wore the t-shirt but put the jeans over my shoulder.

I let my feet sink in the soft sand as I walk toward the house.

I don't know what I am going to do, probably sleep so tomorrow will come and I will go to the sea at dawn.

I didn't know from where to enter, but I remember I came from the back entrance. I walked in and I was stopped by someone's words.

There were three women and one man I don't know, whose eyes were on me. There was mom and sitting next to her was her beloved husband.

First thing I've noticed is that my mom looked so young while sitting amongst them. She looked so natural, if that makes any sense.

The make-up on those ladies was too much, but they wore it right. They were luxuriously dressed up which make me realize that I still didn't fully understand how this community work and how does it think about people like me and mom.

"Is that your daughter?" one of them spoke, and I wished I took a little longer in the beach so I could avoid such an encounter. Mom nodded, her face told her that she didn’t want them to see me. But I wasn't sure if it is not to see me at all or not to see me dressed like that.

Almost , and barefoot.

"Yes, this is my daughter Haneul."

I'm stuck. I don't whether to walk toward them and say something or just disappear.

So many things running in my mind. And the fact that my mom's husband is generously smiling at me is adding more pressure.

But seriously, what I've been thinking when I thought I would avoid meeting these people, like forever?

I didn't know what concept to express, but I went for the polite and uninterested one.

I bowed my head a little with a forced smile, and I walked.

I heard my mom's saying. "Don't mind her, she is a little shy when meeting new people,"

I halted and turned at mom, unknowingly uttering what is in my mind. "I Am Not Shy,"

I heard someone laughing lightly, as if I was a child who just did something that made the elderly laugh. "Aww,"

"How old is she?"

"She's eighteen,"

.

8:23pm

Mom knocked the door, and I wondered if she was already affected by the chaebols' etiquette. She opened it before I even say anything.

She locked it behind her and walked toward me. "Look, we've come here and I don't want you ruining anything. For god's sake, I want you to behave-"

"Why would I-"

"Please let me finish my words, would you?"

I was sitting on the floor, reading. My phone was next to me and I was playing Marina And The Diamonds' newest album. Mom knelt down to turn it off, and I said nothing.

I didn't argue because I want her to leave. It is always the simplest method I have.

She sighed and looked down at me. "Look, I want you to come down and have dinner with us, and I don't want to come up like this every time in the future to call you for a meal."

I shook my head. "You know I don't eat dinner even when back at home, I only get-"

And she interrupt me again.

"Oh my god, Haneul, just come down and pretend that you're eating something. You didn't come for lunch and that was enough. I don't have another excuse for you and I don't want them to get the wrong impression about you,"

I narrowed my eyes as I stood. She towered me with those heels she's wearing all the time. I mean, doesn't she ever get tired?

"The wrong impression?"

She didn't say anything.  

"and why would I care if they got the wrong impression about me? I don't them, and they don't know me. I don't give a about their life, and they should just do the same,"

Mom rolled her eyes. "Enough swearing, Haneul, what did I tell you before?"

"Mom isn’t it too much already that I am here with you, in a house that isn't ours and in a city we've never been to before, instead of jumping around in my own place?"

Mom smiled slowly, a hand was in her waist. "But as I see, you're getting familiar with this house that isn't yours."

Classic mom.

She pointed at the bed and I am sure she is thinking about what happened a few hours ago when I went to the beach. I literally want to take a plane and directly go back to Seoul.

I hate this side of mom, who thinks I am like her and no different.

"It won't take long, just come and smile like a good daughter and then disappear."

Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

She walked to the door but before she exit, she turned and pointed at my clothes. "Change them to something more proper."

I was only wearing a tank top with wide-open sides and a legging. It showed part of my under- tattoo that ran along with my right rips. I am sure that is why she wants a 'proper clothing'.

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8:25pm

I arrived at dinner, just right after my mother. I didn't change.

Mom couldn't get more angry, I didn't know why I felt guilty. It's not like I felt that what I've done was wrong, but I felt like I put my mom in an awkward position.

These Ajummas were really rude.

Mom, who was the rudest of the rude, and she could shut up anyone at whatever age, she was silent as a lamb next to them.

I felt smaller and smaller.

They were his sister, a friend, a work partner and someone who lives next-door.

They were saying suggestive things like mom didn't know how to raise me. It wasn't direct, but you can intuitively understand that. Like I was lost growing up without a father and with a mother who's busy with another husband. Things related to us, not chaebols, not being able to have a control over our lives and lack a vision of the future.

A lot of things that made me boil in my seat.

It was obvious they didn't like us. They won't.

I feel like if I say something I would things up.

I would, and I wouldn't care, but mom's face squeezed my heart. I didn't know it would.

"Well, you'd be surprised, Mrs. Choi, to see yourself that looks, titles, and money aren't everything." Mom's husband spoke with a calculated smile that resembled his daughter's. "You would be too surprised when you realize that yourself. Then, you would regret how you lived your life thinking everything can be controlled and everything can managed with money and high-leveled education,"

I didn't expect him to say that.

I blinked, as I was able to breath again, and averted my eyes to my mom. Her face told me she is holding her tears, but she kept a smile.

The table went silent except for the utensils against the plates.

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