Philocaly:

*1 year ago*

I sit inside the all-white office in the school counsellor's room trying to avoid the gaze of the woman sitting in front of me behind her desk.

"Good morning Kim Mingyu and how are you doing on this fine day? Let me introduce myself, I am Dr. Lee Gaeun and I'm here to help you."

I immediately zip my head up to her face and she is smiling brightly at me and I shake my head in denial and disbelief.

"I don't need your help."

She sighs and grabs my hands wrapping them around hers. 

"Are you sure?" her eyes are locked onto me, she looks up and down my arms.

"Why did you hurt yourself?" she asks lightly brushing the scars of my cuts.

"Because I was curious and I give up." I mutter under my breath.

"Oh, that's unfortunate." 

She pulls me in for a tight embrace putting her hands through my hair, she's trying to soothe me like a young child. I move back from the chair and she sits back onto her chair.

"I'm sorry," 

I shake my head.

"No, it's okay."

She looks through the papers and information on her desk analyzing thorougly through each one.

"Do you mind telling me about yourself, interests and dislikes?" 

"My name is Kim Mingyu and I was born on April 6, 1997. I'm not quite fond of anything but strangely enough I do indeed, dislike myself.." I answer.

Even as I sat in the chair my heart raced like a racecar getting faster and faster as it speeded through the air, my head is spinning and my voice wants to speak more. My brain is wanting and needing trust in others. I don't want that, I don't need it. 

She's typing something on the keyboard, probably stating that I am going crazy. She clicks the enter key with a graceful tap and she turns her spinning chair back to me. 

"And, why don't you like yourself?"

I inhale all the air I can and sit there for a minute or two trying to think of how I am going to deliver my message. I hate it when people ask me questions, they're interrogating me trying to look into my soul so when I think I feel safe when them, they're going to lure me in and try to rip myself into shreds. 

After awhile I finally come up with 3 words. 

"Because I'm ugly..."

---

I am sitting beside the and he keeps on smiling at me and I don't know how to respond. Though I would thank the man upstairs for giving me the power to ignore it.

The math teacher taught us nothing today, he just told us to catch up on work, or just talk. 

I fly through the math assignments that was assigned yesterday. I am on a victorious streak until this stupid kid nudges my elbow and the ink smears onto my hand and the paper.

"Oh my lord, I am so sorry." he mentions worriedly.

"It's no problem."

He looks away and I continue on.

---

I am on my way home from school until I am stopped by a foot. I look up and it belongs to Wonwoo. His face comes closer to mine and he smirks lightly. He walks back a bit farther than he was before. He puts his left hand in his pocket and scratches his head.

"Listen.." 

My ears perk up immediately.

"I'm sorry, for saying what I said to you the other day. I just felt frustrated because I didn't like to see you that way."

"Hm? What do you mean that way?" 

"You were hurt." 

I'm already hurt...

"Want to go eat somewhere with me?"

He's offering me free food, and who am I to say no. My stomach grows loudly at the thought.

"I guess your stomach agrees." he says. 

"Let's go!" he grabs my wrist and my eyes widen. My feet start moving along with him. We cross street after street together until we reach a stop sign. 

"I'm not hungry."

He moves his mouth closer to my ear and he whispers sending chills down my spine.

"I beg to differ."

He brings me to a Chinese restaurant a few blocks away from the schoo. We enter and he starts shouting to the lady.

"MA'AM TWO BLACK BEAN NOODLES PLEASE!" he yells. He sits at a two person table close to the entrance. I seat myself in front of him and he looks at me. 

"They have the best black bean noodles here, delectable." he tells me making an okay sign with his fingers. Wonwoo grabs out his phone and scrolls down for awhile. 

"Hey, do you have a phone number?" he asks without looking up from the screen.

"No, I don't have a phone." 

He widens his eyes.

"Sir, what generation are you in? Fine, do you have a landline?"

I shake my head once more. 

"Okay, that's fine." he puts his phone back into his pocket. In a few minutes, the noodles are served hot and steamy. I bite into the noodles savoring the sauce and chewing rapidly on the soft noodles. 

I haven't eaten like this in years. I've been eating instant ramen, and fast food burgers. The smell is just enough to make my mouth water. I bite and bite until my joy is interrupted.

"Mingyu?" 

I look up and find a middle aged man staring at me. 

"Remember me? I'm Mr. Yoo, I used to work with your parents."

My brain stops functioning and I stop chewing. I don't know what I am doing but next thing I know I am pushing the man against the wall and he is flailing around. My hands are around his neck strangling him.

Who is he.. Who is he that he has the right to bring my parents up? They are in peace.. At least me live in peace as well..

People inside are screaming and I can feel Wonwoo's hands on my shoulders urging me to stop. I am enraged and I drop him running out of the restaurant. 

I run as fast as I can stopping at a bench nearby, I sit down and I sigh putting my head down onto my shoulders. I punch the handle of the bench making my knuckles red as blood. 

I can hear footsteps coming closer and I find Wonwoo sitting down beside me on the bench patting my back. 

I am shaking, I want to fall apart but I can't. It's too shameful. Instead of trying to run away again, I just let myself sit there. Trusting that this man, will slowly engulf me in flames as I burn..