“Okay, let’s take it from the top once again!” Shouted the choreographer in the iconic blue sky practice room. The members started to get out of their positions and headed back towards the sides of the room to do yet another practice of the new modified version of Catch me if you can. With Jessica gone, they had to yet change all of the positioning and the structure of the dance, which meant a delayed performance, and a re-filming of the music video. As each member shuffled slowly to their positions, there was an eerie silence in the air, other than the sound of the members feet shuffling. Often the members would be talking with each other happily, discussing other matters, but each one of the members had a stony face.

No one had mentioned it, but in each member, whenever the thought of previous years of SNSD were brought up, tears threatened to spill, filled with feelings of guilt and heartache. They knew that they were the ones who pushed her to that point, but still felt a huge cloud of “What if?” that hung over their heads at every waking hour, every second that they live as a celebrity, they would be known as the ones who kicked out their own member.

Taeyeon rose from her spot shakily, surveying the rest of the room, watching the other members, looking as if they had lost the will to keep working for the rest of the day. She walked over to her manager and whispered in his ear,

“Oppa, can we have the rest of the day off? I think the members are a little out of it. Just this once please?”

Reluctantly, their manager agreed, and the members packed up quickly to head back to the dorm. The car ride home in both of the vans were quiet, as compared to the weeks before when there were nine members riding in the car. There was no loud, obnoxious noises, no singing at the top of their lungs, no discreet giggles about almost everything. The bright and cheery girls of SNSD were now stone gargoyles, struggling to keep a smile for the crowd. When they finally entered the dorm, there was no rush to be the first to get to the fridge, no rush to use the bathroom before the other members got in and no member already staring at her phone, waiting for the wifi to connect desperately.

Seohyun walked up to the couch and plopped down on it tired. Running a hand through her hair, she leaned forwards and picked up the photo frame on the coffee table. It was one of the oldest picture of the members, one that was taken just a few days after their debut with Into the new world. Tears welled up in her eyes and balance precariously on the tips of her lashes threatening to spill at any moment. After one moment of hesitation, the tears in her eyes ran freely from her eyes, smudging the perfect black line which was drawn under her eyelids. Soon, long black lines were running out from under her eyes. Worried for the maknae, Hyoyeon came over to hug her, only to catch a glimpse of the photograph, what Seohyun was clutching, and all of the breath got out of her.

Never, since their debut, did Hyoyeon feel such dread to see a picture of them. Seeing the member who she was the closest to, burst into tears over something that she took part of made the guilt settle even deeper in her stomach. Unable to sound out words, she sunk slowly to the ground, unable to believe what she saw. Soon, all of the members came around to see all the commotion, and them too, burst into tears. It was the scene of a heart-wrenching parting that was unable to be described. 

Each member had a separate way of thinking about the difficult situation. Whether it was the bursting into tears, or staring out the window silent tears dripping down their face, there was not a dry eye in the dorm. Each of them stayed up late, feeling guilty about all that they had said to other members in the past, wetting their pillows with countless tears that would re-introduce themselves in the morning.

There was no way they would be able to forgive themselves for what they had done. No way to forget.