The daylight was fading slowly through the glass windows of our apartment in Wonju. Everything looks serene and peaceful outside and yet, my mind and heart feels so troubled, unable to regain its calm. I plopped on the floor in the living room, eyes fixed on the laptop screen. KCON Japan will be starting in a few minutes.

And it’s one of those moments again that I just couldn’t stop thinking about him and wondering how he’s been or what he’s doing or whether he’s also thinking of me. I’ve been so wrapped up with thoughts of him lately that it’s been too hard to recover my focus. I had every attempt to keep myself distracted but I ended up failing each time. I think I have gone crazy. For real. But my supportive best friend said I have every right to become crazy considering everything that has been said and done the other day.  

“Hey, tell me if the show’s about to start already, okay?” Nikki said, passing at my back as she headed to the kitchen.

“Ne!” I lazily replied. And once again, I shifted my attention to my phone resting on the table. It has been thirty one hours since I last heard from him or shall I say, since I first read that note from him. Thirty one hours and all I did was stalk his social media accounts and re-read our Kakaotalk conversations. He told me to keep track of my phone but he never contacted me even once since he left. And I could not stop over-thinking about it. I think I have gone mad. Real mad.

“Must be really hard to date a Hallyu star, huh?” Nikki teased while munching a tuna sandwich at my back.

“We’re not dating.” I said.

“So, how do you call it? ‘Some’ relationship or something?”

“I don’t know. I still could not fully process in my brain that Mark Tuan really likes me.” I cringed when I mentioned the last phrase.

“I should be credited when you guys start going out… like dating… for real.” Nikki said. I turned around to look at her face. My eyebrows creased, trying to decode as to what she was going to say next.

“Well, I suggested the idea of Mark being your imaginary rebound.” Nikki continued, mouth grinning animatedly from ear to ear.

I chuckled a bit. “Don’t remind me about that.”

“But you wouldn’t be experiencing those crazy feelings you have in there…” She pointed directly at my chest. “…inside of you if not because of that life-changing suggestion. Hehe.”

“Life-changing, huh? Whatever you say, Nik. Anyways, he said he doesn’t know how to deal with this. He won’t date me. He’s got a dating ban and GOT7 and a whole bunch of fangirls to consider.” I said.

“Well, everything surely happens for a reason. If it won’t work for you and Mark, there’s probably another good reason for that.”

Ouch. If it won’t work for us…

“But he already told you that he likes you, right? Maybe, you should try to hold on to that. Mark freakin’ Tuan liking you is a huge freakin’ blessing! And I’m telling you, every blessing ignored becomes a curse so… yeah… Do your best.”

“Haha. Thanks for all your lovely advices. I’ll definitely engrave them in my heart.” I laughed at all her quirky seriousness.

“I don’t have much experience in romantic relationships but I could feel that what you and Mark have is for keeps.”

“It’s too early to say that. Yumi and Mark probably have more memories worth keeping than us.”

“And there goes your jealousy. Haha. What did he say again? I know you like her. I did. What happened? You happened.” Nikki dramatically mimicked our conversation that I told her about. It was supposed to be romantic but I ended up laughing.

“Hahaha. You’re crazy. What happened between you and Jackson?”

“What about us?”

“Uhm… any progress?”

“What do you mean by progress? We’re just friends. Duh. Is KCON starting yet?”

“Stop avoiding the topic. I know you still like him… not just the bro kinda like thingy.”

“I’m not trying to avoid the topic. Haha. And yes, I like him. I still do. But what’s the point? He just sees me as a friend. Well, one of his many friends actually. I’m just thankful that I got to become this close to him in this lifetime. My Uncle Paulo was indeed right when he said that if you like something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it. Same goes for ya, my dear.”

“Paulo?”

“Paulo Coelho.”

“Hahaha. Whatever, Nik.” I said and turned my attention back to my laptop screen. “OMG. It’s starting!” I announced. Nikki hurriedly sat beside me.

The show started and all the artists gathered onstage for the opening production. The fans grew wild, raising their light boards and chanting the names of their favorite idols. I spotted GOT7 at a corner but it only lasted for a good few seconds. But at least, it was nice seeing him again. Even just from the screen. A hundred miles away.

“Holy cow. I need to pee.” Nikki said after minutes of fixing our eyes on the monitor.

“Go. Hurry! GOT7 will probably be appearing any minute from now.” I said and she swiftly made her way to the restroom.

A minute or two later, it was time for GOT7 to perform. I shouted my heart out, calling Nikki’s name, and in a heartbeat, she was back at my side.

“Oh my god.” Nikki exclaimed.

“What? What?” I panicked, but my eyes were still glued on that pretty boy rapper on the screen. He looks so fine as always. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if he’s got a royal blood or something.

“He’s wearing my snapback!!!” Nikki said, almost screaming.

“Wow.” My jaw dropped open when I saw Jackson Wang wearing Nikki’s red snapback.

“I know, right? Shoot! Why does he have to wear that when he’s got a whole collection of snapbacks in his room? And it doesn’t even have his trademark Wang or 852 or whatever!”

“I’m pretty sure fangirls will start questioning about it on social networking sites too.”

“What?”

“Like, why is he wearing a snapback with a letter N? It doesn’t even have a brand. It’s obviously customized.”

“That’s crazy.”

“We’ve been there.” I said.

“Uhm… aren’t we still there?”

“Well… yeah… But some things have changed, Nik. Don’t you think?”

“Right. Wow. We’ve come a long way.”

---

The week was dragging and it was literally crazy and exhausting. Maybe, it’s because we’re now back to work after a week-long vacation. Hangover is no joke. My body is now aching for endless weekends somewhere far… in some place where not a single soul knows my name. But then, maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s because apart from work, there was also that exhausting feeling of waiting.

More than a week has passed and I still haven’t heard from him. Was he just playing games on me? Or did I misunderstand everything? I want to curse him for leaving me hanging and with more questions left unanswered. I was expecting for his call but that call never came.

But then again, it’s not like we have something special between us. Yes, he told me that he likes me but he clearly told me as well that he doesn’t know how to properly deal with it. His apology was enough for me to conclude that he has no intention of going further with whatever it is between us. And I thought I have fully understood that. I thought I have fully grasped his situation because after all, I am one of his many fangirls who wish nothing less for him. But I realized that all these time, I have been wishing for him to take a step forward and be a little more brave.

“Ya. Can you just kill that alarm? It’s Saturday, Mia!” Nikki irritatingly uttered, still half-asleep.

“We agreed to jog at the park today, remember?” I said, fixing my blanket.

“I’ll pass for now. I wasn’t able to get enough sleep. Jackson kept calling me.” She murmured, eyes closed.

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