PLEASE LISTEN TO THE SONGS AS YOU READ. I LISTENED TO THEM AS I WROTE THIS CHAPTER AND THEY ARE REALLY SAD BUT THEY HELP EXPLAIN THE RELATIONSHIP. 

After Jiyong takes me home, I race to my room to find the one thing I’ve been missing this whole time. I rummage through my drawers, throwing clothes and underwear all over my room. Underneath it all, there it is. The ring. It’s still shining and I smile at the thought that after all these years it hasn’t lost its beauty. I sit on the edge of my bed with the ring on one hand and the journal on the other. I crack open the journal, feeling its rough edges. Tears prick my eyes when my eyes land on the first words. 

June 5 2006 

I think I love her. I know she’s younger and I’m about debut and everything is hopeless but I can’t get her out of my mind. Her smile and her soft voice fill my mind every second of the day. She feels the same way, I know. I haven’t told her how I feel though. We’re both pessimists. Our future is unclear. It all seems impossible but maybe, we just might make it. She looked really pretty today. Her dark hair falling around her shoulders as she danced around the practice room. I wish I could hold her in my arms. 

                                Jiyong xx

July 20 2006

I told her I loved her today. Her eyes were screaming she loved me back but she told me it couldn’t work. We couldn’t work. We had everything against us, time and distance. But I held her in my arms as she tried to fight it and I swear, she had me wrapped around her finger right there. I felt it in my heart. I felt it all over. This small, young, beautiful, sad girl is the only one I want to kiss. My arms were made for holding her and I want to make her mine. BIGBANG is debuting next month and I’m scared my beginning will be the end of what we have. 

                                Jiyong xx

August 19 2006

BIGBANG debuted today. We cried before going onstage because the time had finally come. After all the blood and tears, we were finally on that stage. She sent me a good luck message and I did my best just in case she was watching. It was a bittersweet day. My dreams were coming true but the girl in them wasn’t by my side. 

                                Jiyong xx

The entries kept going and I skipped some when my eye caught something. 

June 14 2007 

She’s the love of my life. She knows me inside out, all my secrets and fears. My favorite movie and song, my favorite food. I know her. I know her inside out and I love her with every fiber of my being. It hasn’t been easy sneaking around but I’d do anything for her. Every time I call, she always picks up. Always. I can almost see her smile when I tell a stupid joke and she listens to me. I love her so ing much. She fills me until I’m full. I’m not scared of the future because she is my future. She’s the only thing keeping me sane in this shallow industry. She’s my anchor. 

                                Jiyong xx

August 18 2007

I turned 19 today. We spent it together. She tried making a cake but the icing was falling off when she handed me the cake. I had to blow out the candles quickly but it was all worth it. She worked so damn hard to make me happy and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Today, her lips were softer but there was something else. They were calling for me. They were inviting me into the beautiful body of hers. She’s completely mine and I’m completely hers. She has my heart in her hands and if she were to break it, I would be crushed. I don’t know what I would do without her. 

                                Jiyong xx

February 26 2008 

She turned 17 today. Her beautiful cheeks were blushing the whole time I sang her Happy Birthday. I added an impromptu rap and she laughed and I would do it again and again just to hear her laugh at me again. I bought her a necklace. I bought it in a small, vintage shop in Seoul. It’s a little glass cloud. I got the dragon. She’s the sky and I’m the dragon. Wherever she goes, I go. 

                                Jiyong xx

The entries became less frequent as BIGBANG became busier. 

August 18 2008 

I turned 20 today. She invited my parents and my sister. My mom seems to love her. They whispered in the corner of the room and laughed about some secret joke. My sister loves her too. They go out to eat together a lot. The cake was bought at a store this time. She wrote me a small note telling me she loved me and she would never stop. She would celebrate every birthday even if she had to fly a thousand miles. I’m still smiling. 

                                Jiyong xx

January 1 2009

We celebrated a new year today. She told me 2NE1 is debuting in a couple of months. I can’t help but think she didn’t look as happy as she should have, but I forgot to ask her. She’s been training like crazy and we only got to see each other today. She sneaked out of the YG Building to see me at the rooftop. The city lights blinding us as we stared out at the city. She held my hand as she made a wish for the new year. I held her close as I made mine. I wished for her to stay. 

                                Jiyong xx

February 26 2009 

She turned 18 today. Her smile wasn’t as bright as before and I can’t help but think it’s because of the debut. The distance between us is too much already and once she debuts, she will travel a lot more. I just wish she could stay but that’s selfish, because I already left. 

                                Jiyong xx

May 17 2009 

2NE1 debuted today. I can tell they’re going to be big, bigger. Their practice really payed off and I feel so proud. I sent her a message after their debut stage but she didn’t answer. I guess she was busy. 

                                Jiyong xx

August 18 2009 

I turned 21 today. She wasn’t there. Youngbae was there telling me she couldn’t make it, that she was sorry. I blew the candles with her image in my mind. 

                                Jiyong xx

December 31 2009

She came. Her soft kiss brought me back to the first time I told her I loved her. Nothing has changed. My feelings for her have not faltered. I held her in my arms as we rang in the new year. Fireworks were exploding around the city but we were hiding in the darkness of my room. The cheering and honking seemed so far away as I ran my hands through her hair. She was crying as I kissed her. I don’t know why but I wiped every tear away with my lips. 

                                Jiyong xx

February 26 2010

She turned 19 today. I was there. She shut her eyes as she made a wish and when she opened them again, they had a fire in them I’d never seen before. She told me she loved me fifty times that night. I counted because my heart seemed to stop every time those words came out of . I think I realized she’s the only one for me. I want to make her mine forever. 

                                Jiyong xx

August 18 2010

I turned 22 today. She came late but all that matters is she came. She kissed my cheek as I blew the candles. She whispered she loved me and I whispered it back. She still blushes when I’m around her and I love her for that. I want to make her mine. 

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