I shift nervously as I wait for the interviewer to arrive. I'm  more nervous than usual, but that's probably because I'm not with my girls. I spot a bright-looking woman holding a microphone and I can tell that's her. 

"Hey! Are you ready?"

"Yes, I'm excited." I stifle a smile. 

"Let's get right to it. My first question has to do with love."

I flinch. I hope she didn't notice. 

"Has love been your biggest inspiration when it comes to writing songs?"

"Yes, it's the biggest inspiration. I can always pull out some memory and write a song about it."

"So it's easy writing about love?" No.

"No, I wish. It's something you can easily go to when you need to write but it's hard when it comes to heartbreak, really hard."

She shoots me a sympathetic smile as she asks the next question, "What song has been the hardest to write?" That's a tough one. 

"I don't know. Hm...maybe... 'If I Were You' or 'Good To You'." 

She perks up at the mention of those songs. I can almost feel her excitement as she asks, "Why? What are those songs about?"

"Well, they are very personal. I wrote them in a moment of fear and despair."

"Did it end really badly?"

"Yes, it did. But I actually wrote those songs before a breakup. We had a pretty rocky relationship and hope was beginning to vanish." I look down at my hands and I realize I've been, nervously, twiddling my thumbs. I hate feeling this vulnerable in front of a camera. 

Surprisingly, she raises a hand, motioning the camera-man to stop. 

"Are we taking a break? We just started."

"I know but you look like you could use one." Jeez. Do I look that disheveled?

I stand up, grateful for the interruption, nonetheless. I pace around the room and notice she's watching me.

She straightens and comes closer, "I know what heartbreak feels like and you have it written all over your face."

Oh. I really don't want to talk about this. "I need to take a small break."

I walk over to my bag and notice Jiyong has sent me a message. 

Can we talk? 

I haven't answered his calls since we kissed on New Year's Eve. Nothing really happened after the kiss. He held me as I cried, and I cried for a long time. He left in the morning and I was alone, again. It's vaguely similar to other mornings we've had and sad mornings flash in my mind. It's too awkward to talk to him. I don't respond and throw my phone back in my bag. 

"Okay! I'm ready. Let's start."

She walks over to me and smiles, "Okay."

"What do you want for 2015?"

"I want 2NE1 to make a comeback. I'm working on my solo debut and I've had my hands full with a lot of projects. I think 2015 will be prosperous."

"In the love department?"

"What do I want for 2015? I think I just want peace. I haven't had it in a while." I stare off into the distance and think back to last year, when everything seemed to be fine. Towards the end of the year, I sank again. My despair and heartbreak dragging me along with them into the darkness. 

"Going back to 'If I Were You' and 'Good To You', are you talking about not feeling good enough and potentially being cheated on?"

She's obviously looked into the lyrics. 

"Hm... I think it was about feeling too good, like you deserved better. It's not an arrogant take on love, really. It's more about knowing you're being hurt and loving yourself  enough to know you don't deserve that. But, it is also about cheating. In the song, I suspect he's with another girl. I know he's with another girl. He's a bad boy and I'm a good girl. In this song, opposites don't attract. It's knowing that someone you love has lied to your face and made you believe they loved you back. It's really sad song."

"How about 'If I Were You'?

"This song is connected to 'Good To You.' Both songs are about despair and unrequited love. If I could be him for just one day, maybe I could know how he really feels, and if he could be me, he could know how much I'm hurting. Maybe then, could I be able to let go. I want to let go. In both songs, our relationship is falling apart."

"So you write about real life experiences?"

"Yes, I do."

"How long ago was that relationship?"

"Not too long." I try to be coy because I don't want media attention on my personal life. People already suspect about me and Jiyong. 

She narrows her eyes, as if she's trying to figure out who the songs are about.

"Is he in the music industry?"

"Yes." That won't reveal too much, won't it?

"Does he write songs about you?"

Oh, many. "I don't know. We both write from experiences so maybe."

"I see." 

I laugh as she tries to figure it out.

"You got me there, CL. It was a fun interview!" 

------

The interview ends cheerfully and I head out the building. I notice I have five messages from Jiyong, all asking me if I'm okay and if we can talk. I don't know why it's so different this time. I feel shy. I feel as if we're strangers, even though so much has happened between us, a lifetime. It's funny how you can feel like the person you love the most is the one you know the least. 

I’m doing it today too, talking like nothing’s happened
Saying that i have no girlfriend
And turning off my phone secretly.
I want you to console me tonight
Don’t ask me anything more
Let’s keep it secret so that she can never hear anything
Yeah, 1st moment when i saw you, (no more)
I couldn’t see anything else
I assumed that i didn’t have my girl
What possessed me, i know i shouldn’t do this
I know it’s an affair
Please Subscribe to read the full chapter