Chapter 45 - Epilogue: pride ain't nothing when it comes to the matters of the heart

There was once a quote in a movie that stuck to me. I don’t recall the movie. Though, somehow, and weirdly, I do remember the first time I heard the quote. It was around the time I had turned eighteen. I recall it being a Friday night. One during summer break. We had spent that day over at Jea’s house – back when her parents hadn’t split, though they would soon. I remember that on that particular day we had agreed on watching an American movie rather than a Korean one. It must have been Chaerin’s choice. Neither me or Jea would have ever suggested watching a random American movie. That has always been Chaerin’s doing. But all of this is beside the point though and I think we should head back to that quote, because that’s where I was actually going with this. Honestly, it is a quote I can only relate to now. Or better yet, one I can only fully understand now. In retrospect, I don’t think I fully grasped its meaning back when I heard it. And honestly that is a shame, because perhaps if had taken its wisdom to heart back then, then maybe things would’ve been different for me now.

Anyway, I bet you’re curious about it. So here it is:

Pride ain’t nothing when it comes to the matters of the heart.

It is a simple quote. Not one formulated by a genius. Heck, I bet that most people wonder why a quote like this speaks so much to me in the first place. And I’ll tell you why it does. It speaks to me, because each day I realize more and more how true its meaning is. And how regretful that makes me. With my love life being as dead as it is right now, I tend to look back to a time in which I had somewhat of a love life going. And as I do so, I keep going back to high school. A time of which I feel like there are missed opportunities. Opportunities I didn’t dare to explore. Opportunities I feel with the knowledge I have now, I would and should have explored. And I guess in that way, Jung Daehyun changed me forever. Or at the very least, he changed my perspective on love for forever. In fact, he is often the person responsible for my philosophies. I never used to think so much about love. But now, thanks to him, I’m a tiny bit obsessed with it. And every time I catch myself thinking about the phenomenon that is love, I catch myself automatically thinking about him. I therefore used to dislike thinking about love. 

But still talking about love is exactly what I’m going to do. For the last time. Because maybe, the more I reflect on it, the more I can truly set myself free. This is my open letter to Jung Daehyun. The last chapter, before I try to find complete closure.

First and foremost, before I met you, I didn’t know an awful lot about love. As a matter of fact, my mind wasn’t even on the subject. Sure, I liked romantic novels. Or dramas. But love, wanting to feel loves hadn’t occupied my mind as much as it did when I met you. Maybe somewhere deep down I was always interested in romance. I guess it comes with the age – and gender. But again, I didn’t necessarily care a whole lot for it. Even when it was interesting to hear about the love stories of the people around me. I guess that’s what made it terrifying. The unexpectedness of it all. The unexpectedness of it actually happening to me. It was a terrifying first. From the little knowledge I had about love, I knew that it could be as much of a joy as much as it ultimately could become a burden. I knew the risks. The risk of somebody not loving you as much as you love them. The risk of love going away. I don’t know how I knew, but somehow I did. I guess I’ve seen it before. I guess I’ve read about it before. When I fell in love with you, more than it being a joy, it became a burden. And it became scary. But nonetheless, I still fell. Hard. Maybe even more so, because I was late to the love party. Being in love with you was more than I could handle. I loved you like I had never loved anyone before. How was that possible? How could I have loved you so much when our love was still so prim? How could I have loved you so much when our relationship was merely in its baby steps? Our love hadn’t been fully grown yet; we hadn’t been fully grown yet. In a way, our connection was superficial. How well had I actually known you? I hadn’t known you that well. Not well enough. Maybe that’s what made it scary. Maybe that’s what made us end so very easily. Sometimes, I couldn’t recognize myself, or my actions and behavior, anymore. You, Jung Daehyun, changed me in a way I couldn’t grasp. Whether that was good or bad I didn’t know. I guess it wasn’t entirely good nor bad. What I do know is that you handed me the world on a silver platter only to shake it up. You threw me in this rollercoaster of mixed feelings that I dreaded as much as I secretly enjoyed them. The warm swell in mt chest. The prospect of maybe seeing you in school or at Jea’s. The possibilities of us. But It is only later, now that I’m looking back, that I realize that I kind of enjoyed the ride more than I dreaded it. It’s safe to say that it’s only later that I really started to appreciate all the things that happened, only later that I truly started to appreciate you.

But that’s exactly it, isn’t it? When you start to realize the importance of things you are often already too late. I guess it was easy to point my finger towards you; accusing you of ruining me, of ruining us. But that’s not fair. The truth is that I am to blame too. I know I am, even though both Chaerin and Jea have always tried to convince me otherwise. Perhaps I was surprised with your straightforwardness. Perhaps a part of me didn’t trust it; perhaps a part of me couldn’t handle it. You taken an interest in me was something too hard to believe. Maybe that exact behavior, that straight interest in me, had been the seed, the starting point, of the insecurities that followed soon after. Those insecurities that came along had made me distant towards you, simply because I didn’t know how else I was supposed to act. I was scared that you wouldn’t like me, if I were to be the real boring plain me. I was scared that nothing was all too serious to you. Somehow, I had convinced myself that you were way out of my league and your ambiguous ties with miss perfect Choi Yuna had never helped in convincing me otherwise.

I was insecure. Too much. And the biggest mistake I made was to try to camouflage that flaw with my pride. To tell you that I wanted to be with you, would have sounded way too caring. To tell you that I needed you, would’ve sounded way too desperate. To let you know that I sincerely liked you would’ve soon far to hasty. So, I had remained quiet; all of it making me seem indifferent. I was scared to go for what I truly wanted and yet I always managed to act stubborn. Yet I acted as if I knew it all about you. Honestly, I regret that. Perhaps if I hadn’t been so proud, so proud of not letting you know that I cared, we would’ve been together. Perhaps if I were to let down my walls instead of building them higher and higher, you could’ve climbed over them. Instead I had never really given you the chance to do so. You had been right about me that memorable day we had spent fighting. Maybe if I would’ve said sorry things would have turned out differently.

Perhaps we could’ve had an epic story that would go down in the history of romantic novels – along with that lovely The Notebook story. But unfortunately, this isn’t a novel. Unfortunately, I wasn’t brave. we weren’t brave; apparently, we didn’t think it was worth holding on to each other. And unfortunately, you and I are far from together. But know this Jung Daehyun:

I have grown, and I don’t hold anything against you. Not anymore.

*

I snapped out of my train of thoughts, a loud and clear female voice trying hard to overcome the rowdy noises of the people surrounding us.

‘’Sir?’’ she asked again, impatient, but unlike the first time this time clearly intelligible. 

‘’I uh…’’ the man began, ‘’…today the store offers a special Valentines cake, right? Is there still some of that left?’’

That voice.

My eyes widened in surprise and my heart began to pick up its pace incredibly fast as the husky yet sweet voice allowed itself to rest in my already heating ears. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be that he had been right in front of me for the entire time I had been standing here in this queue.

The lady behind the register tapped her nails on the glass shelf of her showcase. ‘’Yes. Would you like one?’’

He nodded. ‘’Yes please.’’

I swallowed hard, quietly telling myself that the man in front of me couldn’t have been him all along. It just couldn’t. My eyes carefully studied the back of his Nike shoes. His jacket. His hair color; his style altogether. I was only able to study his back view, but I knew it nonetheless. Against all initial odds, I knew that it was him. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t taken notice of him before. How come I hadn’t seen him in here before? One of my hands reached nervously for a lock of my hair and I took a moment to brace myself for what were to happen once he would turn around and inevitably come to notice me too.

It felt like years before the lady finally finished packaging up his cake. It took even longer for her to receive and count his payment. Everything she did, she did slowly and I tried to suppress my nervous tic as she leisurely handed him his bag, dragging the moment in which he were to turn around. My breath caught in my throat the moment he turned away from the queue, or more precisely; the moment his eyes met mine. The eyes I had been so in love with.

I took him in entirely. His charming eyebrows. His significant nose. The cute mole under his left eye and those lips, those plump lips that were once on mine – A little time before they had been on hers. He hadn’t really changed; he was still as handsome as he ever was. It made my heartbeat increase instantly. Nothing had changed. In that moment, not even my feelings did. I thought I was completely over it, I was convinced I was, but judging by the speed of my heartrate, I would always have a weakness for him; following my heartrate, I was the same young girl I was in high school; that girl of three and a half years ago.

‘’Aerin,’’ my name left his lips, a surprised frown gracing his oh so fine features. I felt hot, cold, weird and weak all at once.

‘’D- Daehyun.’’