Chapter 34 - Borders you've crossed

Impulsive. The kiss on the cheek had been a rather impulsive action.

One I, almost, regretted at this point.

Time definitely seemed to go by slower as Daehyun casually - and moreover unexpectedly - stepped foot into Jea’s living room. Clearly, he had been too caught up in his discussion with Youngjae to pay any attention to his new surroundings, because his neutral expression only changed the moment he seemed to realize that he wasn’t with, only, his friends but instead now with mine as well.

I guess that he hadn’t expected to see me. I was somewhat sure of that because I noticed this certain expression on his handsome countenance once he laid his eyes specifically on me and as confident as I had felt when I actually kissed him, as embarrassed I felt now that we were face to face again. It was too soon and I simply wasn’t ready to see him like this just yet. I shifted my eyes away from his, suddenly not knowing how to act or what to say, especially because we were in the presence of our friends.

‘’Oh hey guys,’’ Jea was the first one to greet the group of friends, consisting of the four oldest. They returned the greeting politely, except for Himchan who didn’t say anything to his sister at all. I had tried not to look at the brief interaction between the group and Jea, but failed when my eyes automatically glanced over to Daehyun again. It was something I shouldn’t have done, especially as I felt my cheeks heating up already. His gaze met mine, his expression somewhat expectant, almost as if he was anticipating for me to say or do something. The only thing I could do was to shift my attention elsewhere however.

Yongguk was the first one to sit down and Chaerin gently kissed him on the cheek once he was completely settled down beside her. The action was an awful reminder of the kiss I had given Daehyun yesterday, immediately making me bite my lip in nervousness. I eyed Daehyun in order to figure out whether he felt just as uncomfortable as I had felt, but was instead met with his neutral countenance – one I should have expected.

‘’Can you guys not?’’ Himchan playfully clicked his tongue before he lazily sat himself next to me. I was somewhat relieved with his choice of seating. He had taken the last place on our couch, leaving no room for anyone else to sit in the spot next to me. Daehyun and Youngjae therefore sat on the other couch, together with Jea.

‘’So what were you guys doing before we came to interrupt?’’ Himchan asked interested, more directed to me than to Jea or Chaerin. I smiled faintly as I realized how funny it was that we had become quite casual and friendly with each other lately. He had always been friendly, or rather polite, but he had been quite distant too. I always assumed that this was because he didn’t find it all too appropriate to become too friendly with the friends of his little sister and I couldn’t exactly blame him for this reasoning but it, in turn, did make me view him as a mere image of a person instead of an actual person with its own distinctive character. Instead he had been the simple image of Jea’s older brother and not exactly the image of an older brother I could somehow perfectly get along with. That had changed however. He was simply Kim Himchan now. The Kim Himchan who talked to me from time to time. That he did this was mainly because we actually got to hang out more whenever I, together with Chaerin, would come over to see Jea. This used to be different before; in former times Chaerin and I would hang out in Jea’s room while Himchan and his friends would hang out in the living room and vice versa. This usual separation ceased to exist ever since Chaerin and Yongguk had become an item. The unity of those two had almost led our group to become one and this, in turn, leaded to the situation in which we were now. The situation in which I was directly confronted with Himchan’s friend, or rather, my crush who I had kissed on the cheek.

‘’Nothing really… just talking,’’ I answered somewhat carefully.

‘’So we were interrupting girl talk?’’ Youngjae suddenly meddled in, his expression clearly amused.

‘’Actually… yes,’’ Chaerin also joined in with a grin, ‘’I was just saying how perfect Yongguk is,’’ she cooed before she lay her head on Yongguk’s shoulder. An action that caused Yongguk to smile widely. A smile of satisfaction of the just given answer. God, how I envied Chaerin for having someone who smiled at her like that.

Yongguk seemed so right for Chaerin. In every aspect. Besides lovers they seemed like great friends. They were comfortable around each other and they definitely weren’t shaken by the presence of their friends or anyone else. I envied it so much to be honest. I found it hard to act comfortable around Daehyun - especially in settings such as these in which we weren’t alone - which often led me to worry too much about my demeanor and whatnot. I did it so much that I forgot that I actually, and only, had to be comfortable rather than to act like it. There is no sincerity in acting after all. Yet being comfortable with him wasn’t as self-evident and easy for me as it seemed to be for him. I was weird in that aspect, especially because I ultimately would feel very comfortable in Daehyun’s presence. It often only needed a bit of time. Today - with the kiss situation - I guessed that it would need a lot of time.

‘’Cheesy,’’ I muttered softly before I absent-mindedly observed the dirt under my nails. How great, even the state of my nails told me that I wasn’t up for being face to face to Jung Daehyun.  

‘’You’re just jealous,’’ Chaerin playfully stuck her tongue out before she scooted even closer to Yongguk – if that were even possible.

‘’Oh yeah I so am,’’ I laughed sarcastically, ‘’I want to do those things with Yongguk too,’’ I pouted before I playfully rolled my eyes. Chaerin pretended to be in shock from my statement. She was quiet for a little while, obviously trying to come up with a teasing comeback. There was a mischievous glint in her eye as her lips parted in order to speak.

‘’Nah, I think you want to be able to do this wit—‘’

I abruptly stood up, panicking about how Chaerin intended to finish her sentence. ‘’Does anybody want something to drink?’’ I quickly spoke in order to put a stop to the potentially hazard words that could have left . My question came out more agitated than I had hoped and I wanted to slap myself as I noticed everyone looking at me with raised brows.

‘’No? Alright.’’ I quickly dismissed, not even giving them the time to respond to my question - not that I wanted that anyway - as I immediately made a run for the kitchen. I disliked Chaerin’s guts as much as I would, occasionally, like them. Not to mention, how straightforward she had been just now. I made a mental note to slap her whenever we would be alone.

Relief washed over me once I was greeted with the loneliness of the kitchen. I wasn’t even thirsty, but I figured that I could use the refreshment nonetheless. I opened the fridge and took out the jug with water once I had gotten myself a cup. My finger traced over the droplets on the jug in a petty attempt to distract me from my own thoughts. It was hardly working though. The image of me pressing my lips against Daehyun’s cheek vividly came back to my mind and I hated that I couldn’t be casual about it, not even to him. Instead I felt like I was hiding from, especially, him in here. I guess that seeing him so soon after the incident made me incredibly nervous and embarrassed. I needed more to time to accept and get over the kiss, but I guess that the universe had no intention in granting that request. I gulped down the water as I mentally prepared myself to go back to the group, all the while hoping that Daehyun would be somewhat busying himself with somebody, anybody, and therefore not being able to pay too much attention to me. All the while hoping that Chaerin would spare me today as well.

I noticed that my wish had been somewhat fulfilled once I returned to the living room; Daehyun was still busily talking to Youngjae. The happiness of this given wasn’t for all too long however. This was because of Chaerin. Chaerin who was apparently out to get me today. She was nearly lying against Yongguk’s shoulder by now, completely taking my original seat in the progress, definitely leaving no room for me. The only spot left was on the couch Jea, Youngjae and Daehyun were sitting on. Or better yet, the spot next to Daehyun. Or the floor – which wasn’t really an option.

I sat down nervously, all the while giving Chaerin the side eye. I noticed her chuckle, which told me that she had done this purposely.

‘’Hi to you too Aerin,’’ Daehyun whispered sarcastically once my body came in contact with the soft cushion next to him. I guess that he had taken notice of me not acknowledging his presence until now. I felt a bit bad about it honestly, but not quite enough for me to actually give him some sort of apology or explanation. The situation right here was complicated and I cursed Chaerin for making me sit next to the guy I initially tried to, somewhat, avoid.

‘’Hey,’’ I eventually smiled sheepishly as I reluctantly faced him. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket the moment the greeting was over with and proceeded in busily swiping over the screen, pretending to be occupied by the device, while I truly wasn’t.

An hour had passed before I knew it. There was no actual conversation between Daehyun and me and it was safe to say that things were a bit awkward between the two of us. I guess that that was entirely to blame on me. After all, I had acted quite aloof. I had been curt whenever Daehyun would initiate somewhat of a conversation with me and I honestly couldn’t tell why I was being that way. I wasn’t very present, or moreover vocal, in the group conversations either; I only listened to the things that were being discussed, instead of actually voicing something out myself. I was even quiet when we covered the subject of our upcoming class trip abroad, a subject that always came up lately.

‘’Why are you so quiet Aerin?’’ Chaerin asked at one point, loud enough to be heard by the few people who weren’t too much occupied in their conversations or themselves. Fortunately, Daehyun wasn’t among those few people as he was still busily talking to the male friend sitting on the other side of him.

‘’I’m not,’’ I dismissed. Leave it to Chaerin to point out the things I had been worrying about myself.

‘’You are,’’ Chaerin held on.

‘’I’m just tired that’s all.’’

I nearly gasped once the excuse of my aloof behavior had left my mouth. The gasp being caused by Daehyun. Daehyun who unexpectedly rested his hand on my knee. I wasn’t sure whether he knew what he was doing or whether it happened subconsciously since he was still busily talking with Youngjae. There were no signs of him paying any attention to me after all. The moment his hand gently squeezed my knee, I knew that he was somewhat aware of what he was doing. I, on the other hand, was completely clueless in what do. I quickly shrugged his hand of before anyone else could see it and although he was still talking to Youngjae - as if his focus was entirely on only his friend - I noticed him subtly frown once his hand lost contact with the fiber of my jeans. His expression soon made me realize how difficult I was being towards him. Why I was like that I couldn’t even tell myself.

I kept thinking about Daehyun’s hand I had just shrugged off until Jea’s voice brought me back to planet earth. ‘’Aerin,’’ Jea spoke quite loud and sternly, making me wonder what her sudden deal was. I arched a perfect brow in response, awaiting what she were to say. Her sudden clear voice had made everyone curious and all the attention was shifted to her – and me.

‘’Don’t freak out and don’t move… but… there is a spider—‘’ the moment the word spider left I immediately looked around as some sort of lunatic and to my horror I found a big spider dangling on a string near me. ‘’—near your head.’’

I got goosebumps within a split second. My intestines suddenly felt like they were twirling around in my stomach and the sudden fear that came over me was indescribable. Before I even progressed what I was doing I found myself clutching onto the one closest to me. Daehyun.

The sight of me suddenly losing my cool made the people present, except maybe for Chaerin and Jea, laugh quite loud and I guess that, to them, it was quite the funny sight. For me it was hell however. I despised spiders. More than anything and although the creatures were usually small and harmless I felt beyond anxious whenever one would be in my line of vision. This one was rather big too. It was scaring the living hell out of me.

‘’Can someone please… get rid of it… please can somebody kill it?‘’ I tried to request calmly. It came out as a mere weak plead though. Like a small kitten, making its very first sound. I was still holding onto to Daehyun and the feeling of our skin against each other reassured me somehow. He was pleasantly warm and he smelled nice and it was ironic how it had to take a spider for me to finally acknowledge that Daehyun existed on this particular day.

Our skin lost contact once Daehyun stood up. I figured that he was about to respond to my request as he walked over to the - in my eyes - satanic creature and grabbed the string the spider was dangling on. He did so unfazed and watched the spider as he held the string between his thumb and index finger. He obviously wasn’t the least bit scared of the spider while I, on the contrary, was trying hard not to die from an anxiety attack.

‘’Why would you want to kill this though?’’ He laughed as he playfully rocked the web with the spider back and forth. My eyes widened in fear as I made up all the scenario’s in which the string would break and the spider would fly into my direction and the mere thought already drove me into insanity. My stomach felt weird and I couldn’t wait until Daehyun would dispose of the arthropod.

‘’I- it’s… just get that thing away from me please,’’ I gulped.

Suddenly, there was a mischievous glint in Daehyun’s eyes. One I didn’t like and moreover didn’t trust at all. And I was right, because before I knew it Daehyun was stepping into my direction already, definitely out to tease me.

‘’Daehyun I wouldn’t do that.‘’ Chaerin warned firmly, her countenance surprisingly serious. Both Jea and Chaerin knew me all too well. There were a lot of jokes and mockery I could take. I could often see the fun in any type of joke, especially the jokes and teasing coming from Chaerin, but she was also fully aware of my hate towards mockery concerning my phobia. The furthest she would go was to send me pictures, but that was hardly comparable to what Daehyun was attempting now.

‘’I’m helping Aerin here. She has to overcome her fear,’’ Daehyun laughed, clearly the only one amused. The other guys had laughed at first, but soon stopped when they realized that I wasn’t up for any teasing of this sort.

I immediately stood up to run away from the spider as Daehyun came dangerously close. I almost tripped in the haste and in that moment I really, truly, felt like crying in fear. I hated Daehyun in this moment. I hated him so so much for mocking me like this. This sentiment worsened when Daehyun attempted to throw the spider at me. Or at least, he pretended to.

‘’Don’t try to be ing funny Daehyun!’’ I yelled hysterically, my voice cracking.

‘’Oh wooooow, Aerin is cursing now. This is honestly amusing,’’ Daehyun laughed off. His other hand reached for the spider as he simultaneously broke the string. The spider crawled on his hand now and I watched in horror as Daehyun made a fist, prisoning the creature.

‘’Stop it now, Daehyun,’’ Yongguk intervened sternly.

‘’I’m just playing, right Aerin? We are just playing. We play all the time. Aerin plays with me all the time, right?’’ He laughed as he began to move again. He walked up to me, his fist still slightly balled and I feared for what he wanted to do now. As he neared I realized that I truly had enough of his idea of a joke. The tears were already pricking behind my eyelids and I feared that I wasn’t able to hold them in any longer. I was so scared. It may have been overdramatic to any random outsider, but to me this was such a big deal. The fact that he was going so far just to, apparently, annoy me made me feel very hurt as well.

Daehyun took another step, making it clear that he really wanted to release the spider close to me. I didn’t let him. The tears I had been trying to hold fell and I quickly made a run in order to be as far away from him as possible. I dashed towards the staircase and eventually Jea’s room, slamming the door shut before I locked it with shaky hands. In here I was safe from the things Daehyun could do. I tried to control my breathing and slowly dropped myself against the door as I finally allowed my walls to crumble and my tears to drop. God, did I look pathetic right now.

I hated him. I hated him. I ing hated him. I tilted the back of my head against the cool door, biting my lip in an attempt to hold in the weeping sounds coming from my mouth. I realized that I wasn’t simply crying because of my fear op spiders. No, I realized that I was letting everything regarding him out; the frustration that came with liking him; the frustration with Yuna. The frustrations about my always conflicting self. The frustration of me always being insecure and always thinking that I won’t ever be good enough. Not for him, not for anybody. I hated how Jung Daehyun had the power to make me feel ty just as much as he had the power to make me feel blissful. I hated that his actions influenced my mood so much. It was insane.

I heard the creak of the doorknob, followed by the sound of loud banging on the door once the person on the other side realized that I had locked it.

‘’Aerin! Aerin! I’m sorry. It’s gone, I swear!’’ The last person I wanted to be confronted with right now spoke pleadingly. I placed my hand in front of my mouth in order to muffle the cries I couldn’t keep in now that I heard the voice of the guy who had ruined my day. The same guy who also could make my day just with his mere presence. Something he didn’t and wouldn’t know. Ever.

‘’Aerin, please. I didn’t mean to make you cr- I was just joking I didn’t know you were that scared and—‘’

‘’That’s bull! I ing told you how much I’m scared of spiders!’’ I yelled angry and sad, ‘’I told you Daehyun! I- I t… told you,’’ my voice cracked at the end of the sentence and I hated that Daehyun was able to see this weak and vulnerable sight of me. I was so sensitive and what’s worse was that this entire situation seemed to be over a mere spider.  

His statement hadn’t made this situation better. No, it had made it worse. I told him about my phobia that day in Serendipity. That day that had meant so much to me and there he was claiming that he didn’t know. I guess that it showed how much he really had been listening to me. How interested he truly had been in me.  

‘’I’m sorry. Aerin please open the door.’’

Silence. I kept quiet as I wiped my tears away. I must’ve looked like a complete mess. My eyes were puffy and my cheeks were painted with the salty moisture that had come from my eyes. I was a heap of misery and I didn’t intend to open the door so that Jung Daehyun could see me like this.  

‘’Please say something,’’ he pleaded, his tone guilty and desperate.

‘’You are a ing and I hate you.’’

Daehyun: Aerin?

Daehyun: Are you still mad at me?

Daehyun: It was a stupid joke…

It was as if he could feel that I arrived home safely since the message came in the moment I stepped into my hallway. I rolled my eyes as I read his message, feeling the frustration I had felt just earlier come back. I had cooled down a bit, after all I was hardly someone to stay mad for long, but not nearly enough to not want to curse him out with the nastiest words I could come up with whenever the occurrence with the spider would enter my mind again. I stepped into my room and sighed as I walked up to my desk. The bracelet he had given me was lying there and I felt the urge to throw the object out of the window.

Daehyun: Aerin, please don’t ignore me

Daehyun: Rinnie, please talk to me

Daehyun: I’m sorry

Daehyun: I’m never going to do it again

Daehyun: I was trying to help you overcome your fear

I scoffed as the many messages he send practically rolled over the screen of my phone. They were going fast and I needed to read quickly in order to read them all. I was tempted to simply curse him out, but decided that it would be better to torture him with the silent treatment. I kind of anticipated what he would have to say and feared that his initial words would be replaced by new, less genuine, ones if I were to respond to him too soon. I wanted him to beg for my forgiveness.

Daehyun: Aerin

Daehyun: Princess

Daehyun: Your highness

Daehyun: Honey boo boo

Daehyun: Baby

Baby. The term of endearment made my heart leap. The contrary of what I had wanted to. The word kept repeating itself in my mind and I felt my cheeks reddening as I imagined him saying this out loud. His voice sweet yet husky and manly. Damn him. I felt myself already turning softer on him and cursed him for his ability to do so.

Daehyun: This peasant is sorry

Daehyun: Really… are you going to be like this for so long?

Daehyun: Please talk to me

Aerin: Yes I'm going to be like this

I finally decided to respond to him. I wanted to say something so desperately. I wanted to ask him why he could be such an . Whether he felt happy about making me cry. I wanted him to feel guilty. I wanted him to suffer and therefore I continued to ignore him, hoping to drive him mad of guilt.

Daehyun: Yes!  You are talking to me!

Daehyun: I’m so sorry Aerin

Daehyun: Are you going to ignore me again?

Daehyun: I’m sorry

Daehyun: I just want you to know… I’m truly sorry

Daehyun: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Daehyun: Now I’m going to cry because you won’t talk to me

Daehyun: Please Aerin, I will become a train wreck because of you.

Daehyun: It was immature of me and I’m sorry

Daehyun: But you were basically ignoring me

Daehyun: I just wanted your attention…

Aerin: There are other ways to gain my attention, Jung Daehyun

Daehyun: Oh ma gawd. Eight words from Aerin! And even my full name!

Daehyun: With you there aren’t. You barely responded to me today…

Daehyun: Aerin, I’m really sorry

Daehyun: Am I forgiven?

Daehyun: Please say that you forgive me? :(

I arched a brow. Forgiven? Although I wasn’t nearly as mad as I had been earlier I didn’t particularly feel like forgiving him already. There was this certain fury whenever my mind would go back to the incident and I honestly wanted to make him sweat for what he had done for at least a couple of days.

Aerin: Can you just… leave me alone for today? 

Daehyun: You are still mad...

Aerin: No, I'm not. I'll just talk to you another time. Maybe.

Daehyun: I'm sorry Aerin

Daehyun: Really, sincerely, truly

Daehyun: Please keep that in mind

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