Chapter 41 - Let go

Well, I heard… that Jung Daehyun and Choi Yuna made out for everybody to see.

Jung Daehyun and Choi Yuna made out for everybody to see.

Jung Daehyun and Choi Yuna.

Made out for everybody to see.

They made out.

Stop thinking about it, I told myself sternly. Fresh tears burned behind my eyelids and I desperately attempted to blink them away once. Then twice. Even a third time.

It didn’t work.

I took a deep breath and squeezed my nose together to stop myself from sniffing. Sniffing led to more crying and crying was the last thing I wanted to do right now. The method helped somehow, and finally the results of meditation I just learned myself seemed to pay off; I had somewhat collected myself by the time I arrived at my locker.

I was quick in stuffing my books in there, but despite this initial speed I couldn’t make myself withdraw from the locker section in the same swift manner. Instead, slowly and unsurely, I closed the door of the cramped musty space. The act gave me little time to think about what was supposed to happen next. I had to meet with Jea and Chaerin. That much was clear. Only, I would be lying if I were to say that I was ecstatic about meeting them. Perhaps I was being unreasonable, but I was very much upset with them. Or more specifically; I was upset with everyone. Upset with Jung freaking Daehyun. Upset with myself.

Upset with the entire ing world.

The nth sigh escaped my mouth and I forlornly stepped in the direction of the schools exit once I was entirely done fumbling with my locker. I conveniently shut out my surroundings with each step. Admittedly, the sound of Suji’s voice still haunted me like the plague and after the nth repetition of what she had said I decided to just allow her to consume my mind; along with the clear images of Choi Yuna and Jung Daehyun kissing each other passionately – and them mockingly laughing at my face right after. Completely caught up in my messed up thoughts I managed to reach the bike stalls without even truly grasping so. I concentrated on the lock of my bike with a deep, restless frown and was relieved to hear the familiar ‘click’ sound of my lock unlocking itself. The prospect of being able to go home, lie in bed and simply cry drew closer.

And even that prospect was shattered once I heard a familiar voice calling for me.

I closed my eyes momentarily, preparing myself to switch to a more casual demeanor. Within seconds it became painfully clear that I had already managed to fail my vowed alteration though.

‘’Aerin, here you are!’’ Sounded Jea’s chirpy voice. From the looks of it she had spotted me from quite a distance and apparently she had made a run for it, because she was panting a little. I kept quiet, simply because I didn’t know what to say to begin with. Instead I looked past Jea. Chaerin was walking in our direction too.

Great.

‘’Why didn’t you wait for us at your locker? Are you in some sort of rush?’’ Chaerin inquired cheerfully once she, too, had joined me. If it hadn’t entirely happened already, my ‘more casual’ demeanor surely crumbled right in that moment. Initially, I had wanted to act as if nothing was wrong. I had wanted to act as if I was unbothered. And strong. Only the moment both Jea and Chaerin looked at me with those innocent faces I knew that I couldn’t play along with that game. I couldn’t bring myself to lift the corners of my mouth. Not even the tiniest bit. I couldn’t even say anything without giving away how ty I actually felt. Chaerin was the first one to take notice of that. Her expression suddenly changed into a grave one and there fell a painful silence upon us before she lowered her voice and said her next words in almost a whisper: ‘’You know.’’

The expression on Jea’s countenance suddenly changed from a happy-go-lucky to a concerned one. Chaerin’s face stood terribly guilty too. In that moment every angry thought I had held against them suddenly dissolved. I realized that I couldn’t truly be mad at Chaerin and Jea. It just wouldn’t have been fair. They didn’t do anything wrong. My problem was not with them; it was with Jung Daehyun.

I bit my lip and nodded. Suddenly, I felt the need to cry again and I absolutely hated it. Jea stood semi awkwardly near me. I could tell that half of her was panicking what she were to do if I were to break down and cry in our school’s bike stalls. After all, unlike Chaerin, she hadn’t seen me vulnerable before – she hadn’t even seen me cry before. The other half of her desperately wanted to comfort me, but even before that half could actually do something, Chaerin had already pulled a comforting arm over my shoulder. With half a smile that was supposed to reassure me that everything would be okay in the end, she whispered: ‘’Let’s go to your place, okay?’’

I only nodded. No words would come out without crying anyway.

The ride to my house was awfully quiet. I hated it. I hated feeling ty to the point I couldn’t bring myself to act civil towards my two best friends. I hated that my love for a guy had turned me into someone I didn’t recognize right now.

I hated that everything was going terribly wrong ever since that damned trip.  

It was only until I opened the door to my empty house that I started to feel the slightest bit better. Both my parents were delicately carrying out their labor and thankfully for me that meant that I wouldn’t see them any time soon. Basically, this gave me approximately two hours to get my together, hear out the story from Jea and Chaerin and pretend I was totally fine about all of it.

Piece of cake.

I quietly went up to my room and violently threw my bag in the first random corner I spotted. Jea and Chaerin were startled by the loud sound of my bag smacking against the wall, but they said nothing and instead quietly followed after me.

‘’So…’’ I finally said, uneasily fidgeting with my fingers once I sheepishly sat down on my bed. In all the anxiety I didn’t know what to feel, where to look, how to begin or what to do. Suddenly, I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to hear what they had to tell me in the first place. I had an pretty clear idea of what Daehyun had done, but hearing it from my two best friends in detail surely meant that I would live through all of the heartbreak of this morning again. The real question was whether I was truly prepared for that. Was I prepared to hear that all my initial suspicions regarding Jung Daehyun had been spot on?

Was I prepared to hear that Daehyun hadn’t cared about me at all?

Jea and Chaerin exchanged worried glances. They failed to speak at first and it honestly annoyed me. I hated this silence. I wanted them to actually say something. After all, they never had any trouble in speaking before.

Jea cleared before her eyes sympathetically searched for mine and said: ‘’We are so sorry, Aerin. We wanted to tell you sooner, but we… we couldn’t tell you during lunch break. You looked so happy and cheerful and we—’’

 ‘’Tell me what?’’ I cut her off, completely silencing her genuine attempt at an apology. It was only when a painful silence struck the room that I realized how mean and angry I had come off. And for that I was wrong. ‘’Sorry,’’ I managed to breath out apologetically, ‘’It’s just… I’m upset. Maybe a little because you guys didn’t warn me sooner, because now I had to hear it from Lee Suji who didn’t miss a beat rubbing in my face that… that Daehyun and Yuna—‘’ There was this heavy lump in my throat and I could barely finish the sentence without imagining Daehyun and Yuna passionately lip-locking. That’s when the tears started to roll down my face. I tried to ignore the annoying fluids sticking to my cheeks and instead focused on keeping my voice steady as I resumed: ‘’I heard they kissed. In front of everybody. And I just want to know if it’s true. And how it happened. And whether I have been a stupid, clueless fool all this time and—‘’ And now I surely couldn’t finish the sentence. All of a sudden, I had trouble breathing properly and I nearly choked on my tears as every single muscle in my body contracted. It was a pathetic sight. I was a pathetic sight.

‘’Oh Aerin…’’ Jea said as she settled beside me on the edge of my bed. She carefully placed her arm around my shoulder and awkwardly leaned her head on my shoulder in consolation. Chaerin hadn’t said a word. She only stared at how awkwardly Jea tried her very best to comfort me.

‘’I’m sorry. I’m overreacting,’’ I said as I attempted to wipe my tears away with the back of my hand, ‘’I’m fine.’’

‘’It’s okay not to be fine,’’ Jea smiled sympathetically. I nodded with a piteous sniff – only half agreeing with her philosophy. For the next following minutes we just sat there in silence. I was struggling hard to collect myself again and Jea was gently me with her thumb while I fought my demons. Chaerin sat motionless in my swivel chair and simply looking at her made me realize how out of character all of us were behaving. I wasn’t the one among the three of us to show vulnerability – and surely not because of a guy. Jea wasn’t usually the comforter; she was solely supposed to be the (good) listener. Chaerin also wasn’t supposed to be the quiet one; she was the one who always knew exactly what to say or do. But right now she wasn’t even flinching.

Only a mere seconds into questioning Chaerin’s odd behavior, did she change into her old self again though. She cleared , looked me straight in the eye and without missing a beat she finally said: ‘’It’s true that Daehyun and Yuna made out in the dorm. I saw it with my own two eyes.’’

My heart sank and I took in a sharp breath. Of course I knew this already, but somewhere along the lines I had convinced a part of myself that if it wouldn’t be said out loud, then it wouldn’t be true.

And now it was actually being said out loud.

‘’It was the last night of the trip,’’ Chaerin explained quietly. ‘’Almost everyone was invited to Im Sungwoo’s dorm. It was just to enjoy the last night. They managed to sneak in booze. Jea and I weren’t there from the start, but we heard that people were enjoying themselves a whole lot in there so eventually we paid a visit. Just to check what they were doing there. It was pretty harmless at first. Just silly games; card games and truth or dare.’’

‘’Two girls had to kiss each other as a dare!’’ Jea added in excitedly, momentarily forgetting about the gloomy setting we were supposed to be in. She nearly smacked her own mouth shut once she became aware of the slight inappropriateness of her comment and although I truly wasn’t in the mood to hear about stories regarding other people than Daehyun and Yuna, I still managed to let out an unwanted laugh just because Jea lapsed into her usual bubbly mannerism.

Chaerin playfully rolled her eyes and Jea apparently felt so guilty about her comment that she didn’t know where to look for a moment. I looked up to her and tried to give her somewhat of a reassuring smile.

‘’Moving on,’’ Chaerin continued. ‘’It was relatively harmless until the drinking games started later in the night. Not everyone in the dorm participated, just a group of ten people including Daehyun and Yuna. Jea and I didn’t stick around all the time. We didn’t feel like participating so there was no point in us watching people lose their minds. We just secretly wandered around the corridor complex, visiting other dorms. At some point we returned to Suwoong’s dorm and at that time everyone was really wasted already.’’

The setting of the story sounded awfully familiar. Even though I hadn’t been part of the infamous dorm party on my own trip, I could still very much imagine what a night full of booze and licentious young adults looked like. Suddenly, Daehyun and Yuna making out made a whole lot of sense.

Once more, Chaerin casted a worried glance over me. There was a horrible knot in my stomach as I sheepishly and moreover anxiously urged Chaerin to continue her story rather than looking at me. And she did, although hesitantly: ‘’Yuna had been all over him that night. She had been during our entire stay actually. I hadn’t worried about it, because Daehyun did not respond to any of it. Or at least, not until that point.’’ She paused for a bit and I felt Jea’s grip on me tighten. It could only mean one thing; the bad news was definitely coming now. ‘’He, as well as Yuna, were completely out of it. The next thing you know… they were kissing. I didn’t see who started it b—‘’

‘’I did,’’ Jea interrupted, avoiding my eyes again. I took another deep breath and prepared myself for whatever was to come. I already felt like utter crap, how much worse could it possibly get? ‘’She kissed him. But… he didn’t… he did kiss her back. Not for long, but long enough,’’ Jea had trouble formulating her sentences and I had trouble calming myself down. At first I was strangely relieved with the fact that Daehyun hadn’t started the kiss. Somewhere deep down I foolishly hoped that all of this would turn out to be a huge misunderstanding. That both Jea and Chaerin would admit to acting dramatic all this while and that they would cut the crap and tell me reassuringly: don’t worry Aerin, he pushed her away almost immediately! It wasn’t his fault!

But that wasn’t reality, because reality was cruel. And in reality Jung Daehyun hadn’t refrained from responding to Choi Yuna’s lips on his. My feelings of relief were naïve and not to mention completely misplaced.

Jung Daehyun had for a fact betrayed me. There was no point in trying to deny any of that.

I wanted to cry again, but this time there was nothing. Just emptiness. Hollowness. It was as if my tears had dried up. As if I had passed through the first stage of grief. And past the initial sadness.

‘’After that…’’ Chaerin continued in a mere whisper, ‘’…he broke the kiss. He said something to her, but I don’t know what. Yuna just kept laughing and smiling the whole time. The next thing you know, he took hold of her and… and he dragged her into the dorm’s bathroom. I don’t know what happened in there. Nobody does but them. They weren’t there for long. Not more than ten minutes. Daehyun came out first and he immediately left. He seemed completely out of it. Totally unaware of his surroundings and himself. As did Yuna. She left shortly after. I couldn’t read her – or him. I couldn’t tell what they had been doing in there at all. People in the room were speculating… all kinds of crazy things. Things I’m sure you don’t want to hear.’’

I tried to progress everything properly; I tried to stay rational, but I too couldn’t help but to think the craziest things about them being together in that bathroom. Frankly I didn’t want to dwell on it for too long, but my mind wasn’t listening to me at all. It was all over the place and I was slowly losing it. I felt sick to my stomach. No more, I thought to myself as I nervously pinched the bridge of my nose. I didn’t want to think about Jung Daehyun anymore. I wanted him erased. Completely.

Something within me changed the moment Chaerin’s story ended. Perhaps I passed to yet another stage in the stages of grief. Perhaps I was going mad. But whatever it was, the next thing I knew is that I was storming up to my desk. Jea was shocked with my sudden aggressiveness. So was Chaerin. My eye fell on Daehyun’s gift on my wooden table. It was just proudly lying there. Like it had been ever since he gave it to me - and if I weren't to wear it. The bracelet. The item that surely hadn’t meant a damn thing to him.

Not ever.

I picked it up and without wasting another thought I threw the silver shining piece against the wall. The sound was barely audible, but the impact it made on my heart was most definitely there. I watched it slide down the wall. I watched as I nearly broke the one thing the love of my foolish teenage life has given me. And surprisingly I could feel myself relax a little.

It felt good to let it out. It felt good to let go.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Jea asked shocked. Her eyes were big and she looked at me as if I had gone mad – which technically wasn’t untrue.

My eyes closed momentarily and I took a deep breath. ‘’I’m letting go.’’

And I guess I was. Jung Daehyun and I weren’t anything. We hadn’t ever been. I was in love with him. Clearly, he didn’t feel the same way. It was unfortunate. It was heartbreaking. It was the most painful realization ever crossing my mind. But it was also the truth.

I had barely finished my wise words – and thoughts – when my phone buzzed in my jeans pocket. For some reason I got it out and quickly glanced over it, not really expecting what was ironically there; a message from none other than the cause of my heart break. Jung ing Daehyun.

Obviously, the universe was playing tricks on me again and by now I was growing awfully sick of it.

                Daehyun: Aerin!

                Daehyun: Long time

My heart rate increased and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. All I know was that I suddenly felt an overwhelming mixture of all sorts of emotions; foolish longing, pathetic sadness and mostly plain anger. I was so angry with Daehyun. He betrayed me. He broke me. He led me on. And yet he had the actual nerve to text me as if everything was perfectly okay. How ing stupid did he think I was?

Both Jea and Chaerin were quietly looking at me. Judging from the look on their faces they knew who had send me a message. ‘’Does he know?’’ I asked as I tried to refrain myself from exaggeratedly rolling with my eyes.

‘’Know what?’’ Jea asked with a visible frown.

‘’Does he know that you saw him doing his thing with Yuna?’’

‘’I don’t know for sure,’’ Chaerin said as she rubbed her arms sheepishly, ‘’I don’t think he did. We were just snooping around on everyone in that room from time to time. We walked in and out so basically we weren’t even really there. Besides, he seemed dense to everything happening around him.’’

I scoffed as I stared at my phone screen again. I reread the text. I could hardly believe how he managed to speak so cheerfully and casual. I deleted our entire conversation and forcefully tossed the device away from me. It fell on the floor with a hard smack.

I hardly cared.

I resented Jung Daehyun.

We managed to silently agree that Jung Daehyun was a forbidden topic. As was Choi Yuna. And once we had established that agreement, I urged Chaerin and Jea to tell me about other things that happened on their trip. They looked reluctant after my specific request, but after giving them the most convincing pleading eyes I could possibly give, they gave in anyway. At first the story was told without any sign of excitement – and almost carefully. But after only a few minutes things became considerably less tense again. They managed to tell about their experiences more cheerfully and as time passed Chaerin and Jea seemed to forget that my heart was in a lot of pain altogether. Even though I didn’t want my thoughts to be consumed by he-who-must-not-be-named I still found myself half listening to their story. I occasionally gave a few weak nods and empty words of and then’s to let them know that I was listening, but in reality I had trouble keeping up with the things going on around me.

I had never experienced myself like this before. I had never been so furious before. Ironically, all of it was gone now. Instead, I felt empty again. Needless to say that my emotions weren’t making any sense to me.

I was somewhat relieved when I found out that more than a little two hours had passed already. My mother would come home soon. Jea had to head for a dinner with her brother and dad. Apparently Chaerin had stuff to do too. Or maybe she didn’t; maybe she just knew that I needed the little alone time I had left. I stood motionless at my doorstep, tired and most definitely looking like . Jea and Chaerin stood on the other side. Obviously still worried.

‘’Are you going to be okay?’’ Jea asked one last time.

‘’Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine.’’ I knew I didn’t sound so sure of myself. So as to make it more believable I added: ‘’ I mean, it’s just some stupid guy right? What have I even been crying about?’’ the end of my lips managed to curl themselves up slightly. It was the worst fake smile I had ever given somebody.

‘’Aerin are you sure? Do you want me to stay or—‘’ Chaerin sounded worried.

‘’No really. I’m really fine. I’m happy to know the truth about that before it was too late. I’m just… I’m just really tired and I just realized that I got this thing… assignment thing for tomorrow too. I’m just going to go and do that. Not think. You know?’’

Jea and Chaerin nodded, although reluctantly. I faked a small smile once again before I cleared my throat and gestured that I was about to close the door. They understood the hidden message and told their goodbyes as well as telling me that I could always call them if something was up. After that they left.

With two hands, I closed the door carefully. The moment I did so I felt all hell break loose again. Taking in a deep breath, I turned around and rested my back against my front door. I slowly slid down the wood.

Unsure of what the hell was supposed happen next.

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