Chapter 33 - Love, actually

Text me. Text me. Text me.

The wish kept repeating itself like a mantra as the grip around my phone tightened, almost as if this would make the device beep miraculously. But it didn’t, and therefore I had to do with the sound of the bus peacefully riding on its route instead.

‘’—glad for today, I mean I rather see a play than hear lectures,’’ I heard Soojin voice out, momentarily making me forget about the phone I was about to squeeze into pieces. She sipped from the bottle of orange juice she had just gotten out of her bag and watched me with big anticipating eyes, obviously awaiting some sort of reply. I loosened the grip on my phone as I slowly came aware of my environment again. An environment that didn’t include the guy that had been haunting my mind ever since I went over his house. The bus we were currently riding came to a halt and I wondered how long it would take before we would finally reach our destination.

‘’I guess you are right about that,’’ I eventually agreed with a nod. The bus started to jerk up again and I scanned through the moving vehicle when Soojin didn’t take it upon herself to say anything further. I recognized plenty of familiar faces as I glanced around, all of which were students who were heading for the exact same destination we were heading to.

‘’Oh yeah, and thanks for meeting up with me Aerin.’’

‘’Oh that’s alri—‘’

 ‘’Apparently there is another bus stopping on the other side of the building and that bus also happens to stop near your house. I don’t know if you knew already… I’m sorry for dragging you out to travel with me,’’ Soojin eyed me apologetically.

The corners of my mouth curled up slightly as I was about to tell her that I hadn’t mind coming all the way down to her. She didn’t let me tell her such a thing however, for she started speaking again: ‘’you should take the other bus once we are allowed to go home. I feel terrible for making you come out here. You could’ve been there so much faster.’’

‘’Are you sure? I don’t really mind. Traveling together is more fun anyway. I can take your bus as well,’’ I tried to reassure her, but apparently to no avail.

‘’Nah, that’s okay. But I really appreciate it nonetheless. You’re the best,’’ she smiled before she took another sip from her drink.

‘’Alright,’’ I shrugged casually. I felt the phone I had almost forgot about vibrate in my hand once the reply to Soojin had left my mouth and my heart began to pick up speed as I quickly tapped on the KakaoTalk application in anticipation.

Chaerin: Guys I don’t even think that we are going to see each other today! I’m already in front of the building and the place is crowded! Almost looks like a SNSD concert in here…

I sighed out in slight disappointment once I realized that the text came from Chaerin. I typed a quick lol in response before I opened my jacket and attempted to tug my phone into the small front pocket of my shirt, mentally noting that I shouldn’t look at the device for the rest of the day. That way I wouldn’t get my hopes up all the time. Having them up was pointless after all. I simply had to accept that if I wanted to talk to Daehyun, I had to start the conversation myself. I didn’t have much courage to do so though and therefore I didn’t have any right to complain about anything regarding our contact. But I still did nonetheless.

My hand unconsciously trailed down to my wrist and before I even knew it, I was fidgeting with the D shaped letter underneath my thin long sleeved shirt. I slightly rolled the fabric of my shirt up, exposing the shiny piece of jewelry, as I took its sight in, all the while mentally praying that Soojin wouldn’t ask me about the item I was admiring – again. She seemed to be occupied with her phone though which came as a huge relief at the moment. The bracelet had become this sort of secret and this was precisely the reason why I had only worn long sleeved shirts despite the rather warm weather.

I had gone mad. Or rather; Jung Daehyun had made me gone mad.

The bus arrived at our destination around the same time Soojin swallowed the last drop of her orange juice and I came to understand what Chaerin had meant with the SNSD remark once we departed the vehicle and stepped in the outside air. The square in front of the flamboyant building was flooded with students, most of them consisting of my peers, and many other people who were intending to watch today’s play. I scanned around the area in a petty attempt of spotting either Jea or Chaerin, but it was, of course, in vain.

‘’Hey look,’’ Soojin pointed. I followed her line of vision and landed my eyes on Youngjae and a couple of other guys from our class, ‘’our class is assembled there. I think we should head over there,’’ she suggested as she stepped ahead already. I simply followed her as my eyes were still scanning through the different faces, some familiar some foreign, all the while telling myself to search for Chaerin or Jea, while I was secretly searching for somebody else instead.

‘’Minjae is over there, Teach,’’ I heard Jin say to our homeroom teacher, Mr. Lim, once we stood with our class. ‘’And Soojin and Aerin are right here as well. Did you already write that down Mr. Lim?’’ Mr. Lim looked up from the paper and clipboard he was holding and proceeded in writing our names down, all the while muttering that he was perfectly capable of checking the student’s presence.

It didn’t take too long for our entire class to be assemble, but we were one of the last classes to enter the building nonetheless. Mainly because Lee Suji came later than was agreed upon. I had a feeling that she didn’t care all too much. Mr. Lim then proceeded in handing everyone their ticket as we entered the building, meanwhile excitedly explaining how the day would proceed. Apparently, we would be storing our jackets and bags in the wardrobe first, then we would finally proceed to the auditorium. Each class was given a certain section to sit in and after taking our seating, we would watch the play.The day would end with a workshop, given by the people involved in the production. Half my class sighed out in annoyance because of the announced of having to do something after watching the play - myself included - but Mr. Lim didn’t seem to care and happily continued to tell about how much fun it was going to be.

‘’Okay now,’’ Mr. Lim beamed, ‘’everyone stored their belongings away right? We are going in now, the play will start within ten minutes. So please, immediately take your seat anywhere in section A and be a little quiet.’’

At that we nodded before Mr. Lim began to lead us to a massive door. My eyes scanned everywhere once we entered the impressive auditorium and the first thing I noticed was that a good majority of the other classes were already seated while we were one of the few classes that still needed to take their places. Mr. Lim directed us to our section and then urged us to sit as efficiently as possible. I absent-mindedly followed behind Soojin as we walked on the narrow paths between the different rows of red faux velvet chairs. In the midst of the sea of those red chairs I suddenly came to spot Daehyun. And my heart almost stood still as I did.

‘’Aerin? Why are you still standing?’’ Soojin questioned, her brows slightly raised. I hadn’t even noticed that our class was apparently already seated. I only had eyes for what I had spotted.

‘’Oh,’’ I spoke dryly as I tried to shake a somewhat hurtful image away, ‘’I thought that we had more seats ahead of us,’’ I muttered as I finally took a seat and nervously began to play with my bracelet again, in a way to somewhat comfort myself.

As hard as it had been to find the guy I had been looking for this entire day, as easy it was to find him now that I had only seen him briefly. I wasn’t as excited with his sight as I had initially expected I would. After all, Choi Yuna was cozily sitting next to him. Charismatically flipping her over as her body was slightly turned towards him.

I felt my heart wrench and I cursed the girl responsible for this under my breath. She was just sitting there; just sitting with the guy I happened to like; just obviously flirting with the guy I happened to like. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t a big deal. After all, she was flirting with Daehyun whenever she got the chance. It was an already familiar sight. But why was it that the sight still made me feel so hurt and insecure?

Because Choi Yuna was a threat. A threat that often made me feel so small whenever I would think of the things she and Daehyun had done in the past. The history the both of them shared. Right now I really really hated her guts. She wasn’t even supposed to sit in their section; she wasn’t even in his class! The teachers had made that clear, yet nobody seemed to call her out. Something that was gnawing on me a whole lot.

My mind became clouded with stupidity as I made up my mind in a whim; I was going to ask whether I could sit with Chaerin or Jea, or anyone for that matter. Anyone that wasn’t in the section I was supposed to be seated in. If Mr. Lim were to say that I couldn’t since every class had their own section, I would simply point Yuna out. It was an extremely immature idea. It would be an action that wouldn’t make any sense at all, especially not coming from me and yet I still wanted to go through with it. As a matter of fact, I was already preparing to do so as I stood up, ready to head over to Mr. Lim. I wanted him to do something about the unfair favors Yuna apparently got herself. But somewhere in the back of my sensible mind, I already knew that he wouldn’t, and actually couldn’t, do anything about Yuna’s seating. This became especially clear when I was already two meters away from my original seat.

‘’Where are you going?’’ Soojin called after me.

 ‘’Restroom,’’ I managed to mouth.

As determinedly as I had been walking up to Mr. Lim, as stupid I was feeling now that I was nearing. I cursed myself for the impulsive action I had already set in motion and apologized to all the classmates I was bothering by almost stepping over them as I tried to get out of the row.

‘’Park Aerin, why aren’t you in your seat?’’ Mr. Lim asked with raised brows once I had successfully managed to stand next to his seat, located on the outer left of our row.

‘’I- I wanted,’’ I began unsurely. What was I supposed to say now? Wouldn’t I be making a fool out of myself if I were to say what I originally wanted to say? ‘’I really need to go to the restroom, can I go quickly?’’ I brought myself to say as an excuse.

Mr. Lim frowned once the words left my mouth and he seemed almost at a loss of words, immediately making me regret my stupidity. ‘’You should’ve gone way sooner Park Aerin, your timing is awfully wrong. The show could start any moment now.’’

‘’I know and I’m so sorry Mr. Lim. I will be really quick. I- I just really need to go.’’

Mr. Lim seemed conflicted with my request but eventually nodded before he urged me to hurry. I breathed out a breath of relief once he gave me the cue to go and almost ran out of the auditorium. I leaned against the nearest wall I could find, not caring about the weird looks I was receiving. I was acting so stupid. So stupid for the most absurd reason. I wasn’t making any sense and I despised myself for almost scheming to get Yuna in trouble. Or at least, intending to get her in trouble.

I had no legitimate reason to dislike Yuna. I had no reason to act so extreme. She wasn’t specifically doing anything. I wasn’t together with Daehyun. He wasn’t my boyfriend. I had no right to feel, or as a matter of fact act, upon the stupid jealousy I felt for Choi Yuna. She had only been talking to him. Was that some sort of crime? Of course it wasn’t, but it sure felt like it was. Especially since it was her.

My mind and heart were in a raging war with one another. It was always like this whenever I would perceive the sight of Choi Yuna and I hated myself for it. I hated that she had the power to turn me into someone who was so sensitive, butthurt and immature. Especially because I originally wasn’t anything like that at all.

It took me about five minutes to calm myself down. Five minutes to tell myself to stop this weird dramatic behavior and to just go back, not watch the two of them and enjoy that stupid play. And so I walked back to the auditorium. The lights were already dimmed since the performance had apparently already started. I further opened the quite heavy door in order to enter, doing so caused many people to briefly glance to where the faint sound had come from and I felt honestly embarrassed with the curious looks I was getting. Today I was clearly anything but smooth. But then again, I was always anything but smooth. Not to mention overdramatic. God, what was I being overdramatic today. It was as if my hormones were out to kill me.

I softly apologized as I tried to get back to my seat and felt relieved when I spotted Soojin only three seats away. I bent forward in order to fold out the chair and quickly sat down.

‘’What was that?’’ Soojin asked softly.

‘’What?’’

‘’Didn’t you hear that thud?’’

I shook my head, not following what she was talking about. She nodded and immediately disregarded the ‘thud’ as she turned her head and stared straight ahead of her.

‘’What is the genre of this play anyway? I’m so terribly uninformed,’’ I chuckled sheepishly.

‘’It’s a romantic play,’’ she simply shrugged, her eyes not leaving the stage.

I made a face. Great.

‘’That was a long play! And that workshop seemed to be even longer! It was totally pointless as well. I mean, listening to them going on and on about how they produced this play is really too much. It wasn’t entirely different from a lecture. Although in this one you even had to give feedback, which is even worse,’’ Soojin yawned after the both of us got our stuff. The lobby was tranquil and I figured that most classes had already headed home. There were a few people still around, talking with one another, but besides that it wasn’t all too crowded. I spotted Choi Yuna ahead of us. She stood alone, apparently waiting for something. Or someone.

‘’Look at the time, it’s already 17:00 PM! Mr. Lim was way too excited, he kept asking questions. I bet that we are the only class hanging on as long as we did.’’

I chuckled, ‘’he sure was excite—‘’

‘’Oh hey Aerin,’’ I got interrupted by the familiar sweet voice I came to dislike. I had expected Yuna to greet me. She always did and I figured that today wouldn’t have been any different. Somewhere I had hoped it would however.

‘’Oh hi,’’ I forced a smile before I walked past her. It was your casual average greeting. But it felt so different to me now.  It was therefore that I felt incredibly relieved once we stepped into the outside air. The warmth of the sun felt nice and I felt my mood slightly becoming better as I slowly let the thought of Choi Yuna go. The sun was shining and I was free. I would go home, take a nap and forget about all the stupid things gnawing on my mind. Soojin and I bid goodbye before I walked up to the bus stop on the other side of the building, the one that had a bus stopping near to our school and eventually my house.

I sat down on the bench as I waited for my bus to arrive. I was ready to take out my phone to distract me from the wait, but couldn’t find it when I searched for it in my bag. I heaved a sigh as I took the entire content out, enabling me to search more carefully as I swore I had put it in here. I still couldn’t find it however. I kept telling myself to keep calm as I searched through all the pockets I had. The front pocket of my shirt, the pocket of my jacket and all the pockets of my jeans. My phone wasn’t in any of them however and I grew desperate once the realization of losing my phone struck me. Crap!

I started to search my bag again, hoping to find the device I’ve grown so attached to. I couldn’t possibly live without it for even a day and the thought of having lost it almost made me want to cry right on the spot. All my photos would be gone, all my appointments would be gone, my music would be gone and I wouldn’t be as easily reached – by anyone. I cursed as I threw some items out of my bag, currently not caring that I was polluting the street; currently not caring and paying attention to my environment all together.

‘’Hey Aerin, what’s the matter?’’

In all the deep concentration of my search for my phone I hadn’t even noticed the few people who were also waiting for the bus. I looked up and first met eyes with Yuna and then with Daehyun. I came to wonder if I had, perhaps, done something terrible in my previous life for me to deserve the happenings of today, but figured that this was the universe doing its freaking wonders again.

‘’Uhm, nothing. I’m just looking for something,’’ I tried to reply composed as I went back to rummaging through my bag, cursing the situation more than I had been doing already.

‘’Are you sure?’’ Daehyun asked as I felt him tug on the wrist that didn’t have the bracelet on – fortunately. He turned me around so I would look at him, something I had tried not to do the entire time. I noticed Yuna’s surprised expression at the sight of Daehyun casually grabbing my wrist. Her surprise wasn’t all too weird, after all she didn’t know that Daehyun and I knew each more than she would initially image.

‘’Yeah are you sure? You seem… a bit stressed,’’ Yuna joined in once her surprised expression was replaced by her usual one.

‘’I- I think I lost my phone,’’ I admitted honestly. I tried to do so coolly, but had the impression that I wasn’t doing a great job in hiding how bad I felt for this particular situation. Everything was going wrong today. Everything.

‘’Do you have any idea where?’’ Daehyun asked concerned. Normally I would have been so affected by the simple sincere sight of him, but now I simply didn’t. There were other things on my mind. Such as how I was going to pay for another phone.

It was just my luck that my bus would arrive within minutes as well. I already saw it in the distance and it wouldn’t take all too long before it would make its stop here. I honestly didn’t know what to do now. I pondered over just taking the bus; I would simply go home and pray that my parents wouldn’t kill me because of the loss of something quite expensive. Then I pondered over searching for it. But then again, I could’ve lost it anywhere. I hadn’t paid much attention my phone ever since I was on that bus with Soojin. Perhaps it fell out of my pocket or bag in that particular bus. Perhaps I lost it in the wardrobe or somewhere in the huge auditorium. I simply didn’t know.

‘’I- I don’t know. Perhaps somewhere in the building but I don’t know,’’ I admitted honestly.

The bus had arrived by now and decision needed to be made quickly. I opted for just going home and cry in my bed, but apparently, and moreover surprisingly, Yuna wouldn’t let me.

‘’Dae, you should help Aerin out,’’ she spoke as she searched her pocket, eventually fishing out her bus card, ‘’sorry, I want to help too, but I have to get to work so I really need to catch this bus,’’ Yuna spoke sweetly as she smiled apologetically. My lips slightly parted as I was about to say something, but nothing would come out. Damnit. I felt so terribly guilty for disliking Yuna right now. She was being so nice and all I had done today was to curse her out. Why couldn’t Choi Yuna be a like, for example, Lee Suji was? Why must she be so nice? If she were more of a terrible person I would have felt so much more of a better person. Right now I felt like I was pure evil. Yuna flashed her usual smile before she waved goodbye, said something to Daehyun I didn't quite catch and finally entered the bus I was originally supposed to catch as well.

I stood flabbergasted, not sure what to say or how to stand. I snapped back to reality once I noticed Daehyun bending down, grabbing the things I had thrown on the ground in frustration earlier.

‘’Alright,’’ he spoke first once he got up and put the stuff back into my bag, ‘’let’s retrieve your phone. Is it still on? I’m going to call it, perhaps somebody found it.’’ He casually handed me my bag before he took out his phone.

‘’Yeah and took it with them, not intending to give it back,’’ I muttered skeptically as the painful thought started to play itself out in my mind. Phones were valuable and there were a lot of cases in which people would easily keep them whenever they would randomly find one. It was because of this, that I didn’t have any high hopes in finding it. I wanted to tell Daehyun that he shouldn’t bother helping me out, but the sudden contact of our skin made me forget about what I had wanted to say in an instant.

‘’Stop being so negative. We will find it. Come on let’s head back into the building. We’ll just trace back your steps,’’ he said as he punched me lightly in the arm. He then brought his phone to his ear, already dialing my number.

‘’And?’’ I asked as the two of us walked up to the building.

‘’It- it doesn’t ring,’’ Daehyun spoke as he scratched the back of his neck apologetically. This meant that somebody had found my phone and had turned it off. I knew it, I knew that I had lost my phone. I felt so sad at the realization and not even the sight of Jung Daehyun could distract me from that. Daehyun seemed to notice my gloomy expression as he was about to open his mouth again: ‘’let’s go into the building anyway. Perhaps your phone was low on batteries and died or someone has it and… has bad connection?’’

I felt a glint of hope return once the words batteries and died left his mouth. My phone had indeed been low on batteries. I had forgot to charge it the night before and besides that my battery would drain extremely fast as its lifespan was already nearing its end.

‘’I think it died. It was low on batteries.’’ I watched Daehyun as he tried to reach my phone again and I was suddenly so grateful towards him. So grateful that I was already making up scenarios in my head in which I would properly thank him after this would be done. With or without phone, I didn’t even care. One of the strongest images was that in which he would ask me to kiss him as a reward and although that fantasy was wishful thinking, I still hoped that it would somehow happen. I had honestly been fantasying about Daehyun ever since I had left his house. I didn’t know whether it was normal to have scenes played out with the guy you happened to like, but for me it happened anyway. Sometimes it was hard to remind myself that they were just images, mere fantasies. Nothing more, nothing less.

My phone wasn’t in the room I had the workshop in. The room had been locked but Daehyun made sure to find someone who could open the door for us and although my phone wasn’t in there I still felt really grateful for him going to such length. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve walked out and gone home already.

We then stood in front of the massive door I had slipped through a little after the play had already started. I recalled how I had been in that situation solely because I wanted to tell on Yuna and it immediately made me feel guilty again. The door was closed and the red sign with occupied was laughing daringly to my face, as if it was telling me that my search would end right here and now.

‘’Let’s go in,’’ Daehyun spoke determinately, already intending to open the door.

I caught his arm in panic. ‘’What no! It’s occupied! What if they have another play in there? What if the entire auditorium is filled up with people? We won’t find it. Let it be, it’s okay. I-‘’  

‘’You won’t know until you try Aerin. I promised to help you find your phone and that’s what I’m doing here. We will find it. Trust in me.’’

‘’Yeah but what if t—‘’

Before I could even finish the sentence I noticed Daehyun slowly opening the door already. The sound didn’t go by unnoticed and I cursed Daehyun for being so reckless. Even though he was being like that for me. Which was actually rather sweet.

He peeked through the opening and eventually opened the entire door before he dragged me in with him. Something I didn’t want to do before taking a look myself. The eyes of the people on the stage looked at us curiously and I felt slightly embarrassed about the somewhat rude intrusion.

‘’Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. My friend here has lost her phone. Is it okay if we take a look at her seat?’’ Daehyun boldly requested as he raised his voice in order to be heard. I felt nervous as I awaited their answer. This wasn’t my sort of approach at all. I would try to find some sort of janitor, not go in boldly!

‘’Of course!’’ A firm lady replied with a smile, ‘’I hope you find it.’’

Daehyun turned to me with a see, that wasn’t all too bad look before he motioned for me to follow him, which I did after I bowed to the people who had given their consent.

 ‘’Alright, you were seated in that section right?’’ Daehyun spoke as he pointed towards section A.

‘’Uh yeah,’’ I answered absent-mindedly, eyeing the people on stage who were going over points of the production as if we weren’t even there, ‘’how do you know that?’’

Daehyun suddenly stood still and turned so that he could look at me. I almost bumped into him in the process. He wiggled his eyebrows comically. ‘’I simply couldn’t take my eyes off of you once I spotted you.’’

He made it seem as a simple statement and I noticed his signature smirk appearing as he tried to gauge my reaction. I tried to keep a neutral look, while my heart was about to jump out of my chest. I couldn’t really tell whether he was joking, but I assumed he was. Especially because of the exaggerated movement of his eyebrows. By now I was sure that this guy would become the end of me.

‘’Yeah right,’’ I eventually brought myself to joke as I watched him crouch down and search the area around the chair I had sat.

‘’And? Can you s—‘’

‘’Is this what you are looking for?’’ Daehyun interrupted with his signature smile. The euphoria and relief I had felt when I spotted the familiar device in his hand wasn’t something that could be described as easily. It took me quite a lot not to run into him and kiss him all over his lovely face. It took me quite a lot to not scream out in complete bliss. Instead I walked up closer to him as a smile started to tug on my lips. Or better yet, a huge grin that reached from one ear to the other.

‘’Oh my God! I can’t believe you actually found it,’’ I took my phone from him with almost shaky hands, almost feeling like crying as I realized that it was really my phone. I felt so extremely relieved, almost as if all the bad things of the day suddenly held no meaning anymore. No meaning at all.

‘’We found it! Thank you so much!’’ I heard Daehyun thank the people who allowed us to search for my phone before I felt his hand gently rest on my back as he leaded me out since I had been done nothing but to only stare at my phone. I was able to thank the people with a 90 degree bow before we eventually left the auditorium.

‘’So are you going to stare at your phone the whole day or are you going to actually thank me,’’ Daehyun laughed once we stood at the bus stop again. We were the only ones here. I sat down on the bench as I watched him with amused eyes. He was observing the timetable of the different busses and he spoke before I could even respond to his first statement, or question rather. ‘’Oh yeah and what bus are you taking? I’m taking the 470, but I guess that you won’t be taking that one, right?’’ he asked before he took a seat beside me. I turned my body slightly to him before I answered that I had to take another bus. There emerged a silence which I didn’t allow to continue for too long.

‘’Listen Daehyun. I’m really really really grateful. You have no idea. I really appreciate your help and if there is anything I can do for you in return, ask me because I’ll do it,’’ I said before my eyes darted away from his and instead shifted into the distance, noticing that my bus was about to arrive. 

‘’It’s alright. I’m always happy to help you out Aerin. You just say the word,’’ he laughed faintly as he also took notice of the bus.

‘’No really. Thanks,’’ I said one last time.

‘’Stop thanking me, Aerin. It’s really co—‘’

I didn’t let him finish his sentence as I unexpectedly kissed his right cheek. It had happened so impulsively that I only realized what I had done once my lips parted from his skin. I quickly stood up before he could see the redness on my own cheeks and grabbed my bag, only seconds before my bus had come to a halt in front of us. I quickly bade him goodbye and in that brief moment I had turned around I was greeted with a side of him I had never really seen before.

The sight of a startled Jung Daehyun.