Chapter 40 - Sooner or later it all comes crashing down

To my dismay, I woke up terribly the next day – the feeling of guilt gnawing on me just as hard as it had done a few hours prior. To be honest, I had expected the feeling to subside even a little, but in reality it had only gotten worse. With a huge sigh, I tossed around in my squeaky bed, shifting from my back to my side and vice-versa. It was only when I turned around uneasily for what felt like the nth time, that I suddenly came to wonder what it was about this entire situation that kept me so fixated on it in the first place.

The answer struck me only seconds later: I was empathizing too much.

In a way that came very natural to me, I had pictured myself in Kim Seokjin’s pitiful shoes – comparing his situation with (what could have been) mine. The most frustrating thing about this comparison was that I knew perfectly well how devastated I would be if Daehyun were to reject me, yet it was me that came to reject Jin. In a way, all of this felt very hypocrite of me. Not to mention how unfair it was; it wasn’t fair that, of all the people Jin could have possibly liked, he had to like me. The more I came to ponder over how bad I felt, the more it became awfully clear that I didn’t deserve to be the one Jin took an interest in.

Suji had been right; I truly wasn’t so great.

Another sigh of desperation left my lips. This wasn’t very much like I had pictured my last day in here to proceed. The last day was supposed to be a day I enjoyed to the fullest. A day of closure. However now that I was constantly worrying over Jin, I couldn’t help but to think that the day would bring me anything but full enjoyment. 

My troubled thoughts were interrupted by the annoying sound of Soojin’s alarm resonating throughout our room. It was an awful reminder of my morning duties and I closed my eyes in frustration of everything – mainly myself – while I listened as Soojin came down from her bunk bed. During our stay here, I had learned one fascinating thing about Kwon Soojin and that was that she was someone who could get up immediately, without putting in much of an actual effort. It was something I came to envy her for, because contrary to her, I was the type who couldn’t get up – which often resulted in me ultimately having to rush to everything. Now with everything going on, I especially wanted to stay in this horrible bed for as long as I possibly could.

Unfortunately I couldn’t.

The morning proceeded the same as it had done the previous days. That specific day, Soojin and I were assigned to prepare sandwiches instead of setting tables, but this time we performed our tasks seemingly less chirpily than we had managed to do before. Admittedly, that was my fault. Soojin was rather outspoken that day – ever since she became infatuated with Hoseok her mood managed to become better and better – but all the words coming from my mouth in response were laconic. She soon took notice of the gloomy mood I was in and asked me whether there was something wrong. Fortunately, she didn’t press further on it once I not-so-convincingly told her that I felt absolutely fine. Instead, she had narrowed her eyes only the slightest bit, nodded and finally kindly changed the topic to something else entirely. Something, I had noted, she was exceptional in.

I suppose that breakfast passed somewhat peaceful. I took notice of Jin’s hesitant expression once he was supposed to pick his seat. Up until that day, he had been seated on the same table we always sat ourselves on.

Needless to say that today was different.

He briefly met my eyes, deliberately looked away and eventually sat down with the few guys whom were enthusiastically but discreetly discussing how that last eventful night in their dorm went. Both Hoseok and Soojin barely noticed Jin’s new choice of seating, neither did Joohyun. Maeri did however. Her brows furrowed ever so slightly before she looked at me as if I had the answer. In a way, I suppose I did have the answer to why Jin was purposely avoiding us – or better yet, me. But instead of telling her how much I had actually upset him, I responded with a careless shrug. Maeri of course did not stop here and instead loudly questioned him about why he wasn’t sitting with us. In response, he sheepishly muttered some sort of lame excuse I couldn’t hear before he started on his cheap breakfast. Jin wouldn’t spare me a glance throughout the entire time we were in that crappy dining room and I would be lying if I were to say that I felt completely fine with how he was acting. Somewhere, I couldn’t blame him for his cold behavior; it was a somewhat normal reaction to a crash-and-burn situation. Still, it didn’t ease the weird feeling in my stomach. I had no appetite for the poorly made sandwiches and instead packed a couple of them before I excused myself from the table. Since we had to pack in preparation for our flight back, the action didn’t stand out much. Joohyun and Maeri nodded at my announcement and then absent-mindedly told me that they would soon come after me to pack themselves – Soojin, again, was too caught up in a topic with Hoseok to even notice my leave.

With slumped shoulders I strolled towards the dorm, all the while trying to figure out how to approach Jin again. It was clear to me that we needed to talk. I needed to tell him that we should at least try to treat each other like we had managed to treat each other before, which was friendly. Because at this point Jin was being anything but friendly. Instead he was being avoidant. Whether that was childish or not, I decided to leave in the middle, because – childish or not – I did understand where he was coming from.

Unfortunately, things hadn’t particularly gotten better on our way back. I hadn’t talked to Jin during the bus ride to Changi Airport. We hadn’t exchanged a word while waiting for the plane either.

I came to think about how funny it was that one confronting night had managed to change everything. It had managed to make us awkward and avoidant. It had managed to, apparently, break up our friendship. It had managed to make me clueless as to how I was going to get home, because at that point, I doubted Jin was going to ride me back home from Incheon Airport like he had promised he would. Uneasily, I came to contemplate my options of transport. There was always the possibility of grabbing a cab, but I figured that those were really expensive. There was also the possibility of asking Maeri or Joohyun whether I could come along with them, but that would raise questions and I sure as hell didn’t feel like answering them. I suppose that I could ask the teachers for help, but that too would raise questions. They would surely call my parents and then it was them I had to do explaining to. I puffed my cheeks in frustration as I realized that the cab was the less troublesome yet most costly solution to this dilemma. 

To my extra luck, I was seated behind Suji – and Hana – again on the plane ride back. During the fieldtrip Suji had kept relatively quiet about me. An insulting blatant remark was made by her a few times, but it was something I had learned to swallow. Her comments were getting old and it seemed like she was running out of original insults anyway. Perhaps it was this that ultimately made her give up. Surprisingly, on that specific plane ride she kept quiet about me too, even though she was perfectly aware that I was seated behind her again. Instead, she discussed all the juicy details of the last night in that infamous wild dorm. They could not stop talking about who they thought behaved absolutely dissolute, who they expected to have formed ‘a thing’ and what the most memorable thing that happened overall was. Of course, she couldn’t help but to throw insults at everybody while she was at it, but still she left me out of it. And for that I was glad.

Maybe things were looking up a slight bit.

I attempted to read a boring magazine, but was unable to block out Suji’s annoying sounds. As always she was being way too loud. However this time I knew better than to let her have a piece of my mind. Instead, I listened as Suji loudly wondered how the abroad trips of the other classes had been. The question reminded me of my two friends, whom were heading back today as well, and suddenly I couldn’t wait to see them again. More importantly, I couldn’t wait to see Daehyun again. Without noticing, a small smile started to grace my lips as I came to think about him. I slumped down in my chair more comfortably and allowed my entire mind to occupy itself with the thoughts of him. All of it made me temporarily forget about the situation I was in with Jin. It made me forget about my ride home. It still amazed me that the mere thought of Jung Daehyun was able to dissolve any troubling thought I happened to have beforehand. I wondered about what it would be like to see him again. To interact again. Or more importantly, how things were going to turn out if I were to confess to him like I had told myself to do two nights ago.

The thoughts didn’t keep me distracted for long enough, because before I knew it we found ourselves on familiar soil again. And with that came the confrontation with Jin. After bidding goodbye to the majority of people, I made myself stand somewhat near him in reluctance. Maeri and Joohyun were the last to hug me, totally unaware of how troubled I truly was, before they bade goodbye to the rest and headed for their parents whom had been waiting for them all this while. Hoseok and Soojin happily strolled for the exit, assuming that we too would leave. Jin, who still hadn’t acknowledged my presence up until that point, absent-mindedly walked after them. And I stood still in my spot, clueless of what to do.

That was until I watched Jin turn around in surprise.

‘’Aren’t you coming?’’ Sounded the unexpected question from him.

I blinked once, allowing his words to sink in before stuttering a surprised response: ‘’W- what?’’

He smiled sheepishly. ‘’I suppose that you want to go home, right?’’

I blinked for the second time. This was really unexpected. I had already anticipated to use my money to grab an expensive cab, because the last thing I wanted to do was to bother Jin. In fact, I had already given up on the entire situation between us. A brief silence came to hang over our heads before I nodded unsurely and watched as Jin chuckled to himself – which confused me all the more. His chuckle died down eventually and soon replaced itself with an apologetic look.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ sounded the next few words from him. He nervously rubbed on his arms and opened his mouth to say more: ‘’I’m sorry for acting like an ignoring douche to you this entire morning. You see I- I um, that night I had a little bit to drink and uhm, that made me a little braver to confront my feelings. I guess I didn’t truly expected you to return them, but still it felt like a now or never situation so I did tell you. About how I felt, I mean. And uh, it was pretty immature of me to ignore you all this while only because you don’t happen to feel the same about me. I wasn’t being fair to you and I’m sorry. I’m okay now. And in the end all of this,’’ he said as he pointed towards himself with somewhat of a goofy smile, ‘’is your loss anyway.’’

Despite the seriousness of the things he had managed to tell me, I couldn’t help but to laugh once the joke slipped from his lips. His usual smile was spotted on his countenance again and I breathed out in relief before I nodded more lively than I had managed to do before. With the most reassuring smile I could make, I told him that everything was alright; that I understood his reaction, and that I was happy that he didn’t hate me just yet. He managed to crack another joke – something I truly felt better with – before he suggestively nodded towards one of the exits of this enormous airport. I noticed that Hoseok and Soojin were already out of sight and I figured that they were already in the parking lot, probably wondering what was taking us so long – if they even noticed we weren’t there yet in the first place.  

I was about to start walking when Jin took the luggage from my hands, resulting in him now carrying two heavy bags. It was an action very similar to when we left Korea. This time however I knew better than to protest. I didn’t even want to. This was a peace offering. I gladly accepted the friendly gesture, all the while feeling happy that Jin apparently wasn’t holding anything against me anymore. 

‘’Friends again?’’ Jin joked good-naturedly.

‘’Friends.’’ I agreed firmly.

*

No amount of words could possibly express how good it felt to be back in school. What felt even greater, was to see the two people I hadn’t seen for an entire week. Their familiar figures were right in my line of vision and I walked up to them eagerly as I was suddenly reminded of the fact that I hadn’t been away from them for so long. Obviously, I had been unable to see them during the trip, but to top it off I had barely spoken a word to them via chat in the weekend too. Admittedly, the lack of sleep during the trip had worn me out completely. I had never felt so tired before. In result, I had spent my entire weekend catching up to the hours of sleep I had missed. Besides that, I had been working on Sunday too. Contacting my two friend hadn’t been a priority. As messed up as that probably sounded, it hadn’t. Not for me, but apparently not for them either. I suppose that everyone needed that weekend to revive.

‘’Aerin!’’ They nearly exclaimed once I took a seat at our usual table. I sat down comfortably, the big smile on my face never disappearing as I dropped my bag on the chair next to me. Once settled down completely, I allowed my eyes to search briefly for the guy I planned to have a serious word with later on. To my dismay, I noticed that he wasn’t here yet.

‘’I’ve missed you guys,’’ I spoke first, attempting an already failing aegyo as I formed my lips into a pout. It didn’t go unnoticed that I was in an incredibly good mood today. I suppose that lots of that had to do with being in an familiar setting again. Seeing Jea and Chaerin again was a big factor contributing to my great mood as well. But the thing to top it was definitely the prospect of coming clean to Jung Daehyun. Admittedly, he had been on my mind the entire time I had been in Singapore and I honestly couldn’t wait to have this lets-spill-my-feelings-momento all over with.

Short words of aaahw’s and we’ve missed you too’s escaped my friends’ mouths once I did my saying and I grinned widely before I brought my bottle to my curled up lips. I swallowed the liquid down quickly before attempting to ask about everything they had done on their trip. For some inexplicable reason, I wanted to know everything about it; from whether interesting things had happened to whether they saw amazing things. All of it.

‘’So how—‘’

‘’How was your trip?’’ Jea suddenly interrupted hastily.

If by that time I had paid close attention, I would have noticed that her interruption was awfully suspicious. Intentional even. I surely would have noticed that it wasn’t anything like Jea – or Chaerin – to let them hear out my stories first. Usually – and not even intentionally – they always told their stories first, simply because they were always so eager in being the first ones to speak up. Besides that, Jea’s question was asked too quickly; almost as if she knew that by using that specific timing, she avoided having to initially respond to mine.

I hadn’t been paying close attention however. My bright mood didn’t make room for any sort of critical thinking at that moment. I only took notice of the somewhat odd behavior coming from both Jea and Chaerin when it became blatantly obvious why they didn’t want to elaborate on the happenings of their trip in the first place.

Needless to say that, by then, it was already too late.

But during that specific lunchbreak, I hadn’t picked on the suspicious signs yet. Instead, I told them whole-heartedly about my trip like they had requested me to do so. Surprisingly, I spoke a lot about it. I told them in great detail how every day had progressed. What I did, what I saw, what was being talked about by others all the time. I told them about how warm the weather had been; how it had caused annoying and not to mention sleepless nights. I explained how much closer I had gotten with Soojin, Joohyun and Maeri. I conveniently managed to let out the part in which Jin kissed me before he confessed his feelings to me. Also, I hadn’t included the part where I had indirectly told Joohyun and Maeri that I liked Daehyun and that, because of that, I had realized that I needed to come clean to him. That story was for me to tell later. Instead, I wrapped everything up after a fair share of talking. My eyes flickered towards the clock by chance once I was almost done with enclosing the story and I took notice of only five minutes of lunchbreak being left. ‘’All in all it was fun, but I suppose that the stories aren’t nearly as exciting as yours are going to be,’’ I laughed absent-mindedly before my eyes scanned for Daehyun again.

Way too caught up in my story, I had somehow completely forgotten about his presence in the cafeteria. But there he was; too caught up in laughing with Himchan to notice me briefly staring at him. Butterflies rose in my stomach at the simple sight of him and I felt my cheeks growing hot for reasons I couldn’t explain. Flustered, I focused on Jea and Chaerin again, suddenly feeling anxious with the idea of talking – or better yet confessing – to him.  

‘’So did something interesting happen in Japan?‘’ I asked, my focus more on trying to prevent my cheeks from reddening even more. I took a deep breath and looked expectantly at my two friends. They exchanged a certain look – once again something I failed to be completely aware of – before they came to stare at the table as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Again, a very uncharacteristic thing of them to do.

Finally, Chaerin looked up, her eyes shifting to mine. There was something about the way she looked at me; the way her eyes stood. It was hard to explain, but they stood slightly apologetic. Only, at that time I failed to notice that too. Instead, I listened as she unsurely said: ‘’Actually, there happened quite a lot. It’s a long story so how about we meet up after school an—‘’

Chaerin's short speech was interrupted by the sudden sound of our school bell. It was a clear reminder of the fact that our chat time was over. Blinking, I tried to grasp how it was even possible for a lunchbreak to go by so quickly and as I stood straight, I realized that I couldn’t possibly find a fitting answer to that question.

‘’Yeah, let’s meet at Chaerin’s place… and talk,’’ Jea nodded along with the suggestion. I stored my bottle in my bag and shrugged indifferently. ‘’Alright, but why Chaerin’s place all of a sudden?’’

There it was again. The exchange in looks I failed to truly grasp. Both of them shrugged, sheepish looks plastered on their faces. By then, I slowly noticed how odd they were behaving. Still, I brushed it off and instead heard Jea formulate an excuse that sounded something along the lines of: I want to see Yejin again.

I simply nodded at the illogical reason and nonchalantly swung my quite heavy bag over my shoulder. ‘’Alright, but I really want to hear about it! It must’ve been really beautiful,’’ I said with a gentle smile. Upon hearing that their trip would be in Japan, I had been a bit envious of the two. I had always wanted to go there. I had been there only once – when I was still really young – but that was a time I could barely count in; I didn’t even have memories of it. 

‘’It was,’’ Jea smiled as she stood up as well. Chaerin was not too quick in following Jea’s example and I didn’t even really wait for her as she sluggishly gathered her things and slowly stuffed them in her – in my opinion – way too small schoolbag. Instead, as the speed demon I supposedly was, I bade them goodbye and told them that I would see them after school before I headed for my locker. I took out the required books quickly, slammed my the locker door shut and nonchalantly headed for my Korean Literature class. Up until that point, everything had proceeded quite peacefully.

That was bound to change in the upcoming class.

There weren’t that many people present in my classroom yet. Soojin however was already seated in the seat she usually sat in. Joohyun stood close to her, leaning on her desk, as they talked about something I couldn’t really make out. It was a pleasantly surprising sight, because before the trip they had barely bothered with each other. As a matter of fact, nobody had bothered with Soojin after her little fall out with Lee Suji. Both Soojin and Joohyun greeted me once they noticed me. I took a seat next to Soojin and slowly placed the required content deeply stuffed in my bag on the table, all the while peacefully conversing with them about small and trivial things.

Slowly but surely, my other classmates strolled in the class. As a result it became noisier, the sound of happy-go-lucky chit-chat filling the relatively small classroom we were in today; even more so, now that our teacher wasn’t here to shush all of it. Above the noise suddenly sounded the hysterical exaggerated laughter of Lee Suji. It would be hard for anyone not to take notice of Suji entering a classroom, but this time she was overdoing herself. She, along with her small group of followers, were exceptionally loud as they stepped over the threshold. It was clearly audible what they were discussing too and I found it amazing that they were still all caught up in gossiping and sharing everything regarding the abroad field trip. Then again, I guess it made sense given that the number one topic as of today was everyone’s experiences during that famed week. Moreover, Lee Suji had probably obtained new juicy information from others as well and of course she couldn’t pass on evaluating  on that too.

Already annoyed of the girl that was Lee Suji, I attempted to shut out the volume of her voice, but learned that it was harder since she decided to sit quite close to me today. A small sigh left my lips as I suddenly came to wonder what was taking our teacher so long.

‘’Well, I heard…’’ Suji stated faux innocently at one point. Her voice was so clearly audible that I could have almost mistaken it for her actually talking to me. I turned my head to see whether that was really the case and noticed her looking at me with an all too familiar look. She took a dramatic long pause after saying those first few words and smirked deviously once our eyes met each other. The way she said those words; the way her tone sounded, slightly alarmed me of one of her schemes and I still remember how strange I felt with the way she subtly tried to direct her speech to me. It was strange, because up until that point she hadn’t been talking to me. Her words were supposedly not for me to hear; they were for her small posse to hear. Yet, I just knew that Lee Suji had another reason for speaking so loudly and oh-so blatantly near me. It was a way of speaking I had become familiar with due to our past conflicts. It was her way of trying to get back at me; her way of hurting me. Her way of letting me know that I should have never dared to strike her nerves.

Only a split second later I was proven absolutely right about Suji’s intentions. A demonic sparkle was spotted in her eye and she looked straight at me as the next poisonous sentence rolled of her cunning tongue: ‘’…that Jung Daehyun and Choi Yuna made out for everybody to see. I think someone’s got it on film even. Oh, I can’t wait to see that video. Daehyun and Yuna together again, how unexpected!’’

My jaw clenched. My mind went blank. Jung Daehyun. Choi Yuna. Made out. Suddenly, there was not another sound to be heard. The happy bubble I had been in bursted ruthlessly. In that moment, Park Aerin was completely thrown off her game. Lee Suji had hit back and she did so in the best way she possibly could have done. Part of me knew that she was perfectly aware of that too.

I came to connect the dots, all the little signs that had been there this morning, and I realized that they all indicated that this statement couldn’t be false. Images of Jea and Chaerin insisting to have me tell about my experiences on the trip first. The intended silence about their trip. It all flashed through my mind. Suddenly, it made sense that they insisted in telling me all about it later at Chaerin’s – where we would be alone, not being able to coincidentally run into Daehyun in the living room.

Jea’s and Chaerin’s odd behavior proofed Suji’s dubious statement as truth.

It all made ing sense right in that moment.

The world stopped spinning. The inner peace that had been within me made place for an interior raging storm of emotions. Perhaps, it would have been hard to tell that I felt close to breaking down if you looked at it from the outside but in that moment everything went wrong in my own internal world. It grew dead silent in my head. I felt my body going numb, my heart beating faster.

And with those very few words spoken by Lee Suji I felt my whole world crumbling down.

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