Chapter 27 - Before anyone else can

‘’It was so much fun, thanks for inviting me over Chaerin.’’

‘’Of course Yuna. I loved having you! Is there already someone here to pick you up?’’ I heard Chaerin faintly chuckle from the hallway. She was escorting the last guest, Yuna, out while I sat on the couch in the living room. She had left the door open and therefore I could register bits of their conversation.

‘’Yes my sister is picking me up. She’s parked somewhere around the street,’’ Yuna responded sweetly, probably with that well known smile of hers.

‘’Alright,’’ I heard Chaerin say, ‘’see you tomorrow in class then.’’

That was the last thing I heard before the door finally slammed shut. It was only me and Chaerin left now. Jea had wanted to stay, but it turned out that she had an appointment with her dad and Himchan she had forgot about. Something that was typical from Jea – forgetting. Eunji and Maeri had left an hour before Jea did. Sujin had left around 16:30 PM, somewhere after Jea. Yuna had been the last - except for me - to stick around as she had to wait for her sister to pick her up, apparently. It was quite burdensome that, of all the girls, Yuna had been the one to stay the latest. It was awkward as I couldn’t bring myself to be sincerely chirpy and nice around her. Luckily Chaerin occupied her enough, as I didn’t have the ability to do that in this certain situation. There was no sense in it, but I definitely felt weird with Yuna. Weird in a bad way.

‘’I can always depend on you to clean the mess with me,’’ Chaerin sang chirpily once she returned from the hallway.

‘’Yeah sure,’’ I, unknowingly, sighed out heavily as my thoughts were still on my ill feelings towards Yuna. I hated myself for disliking her for such petty reasons.

‘’’What’s up with the heavy sigh?’’ Chaerin asked as she lazily dropped herself on the couch. I didn’t respond, but instead mimicked her actions as I dropped myself on the couch as well, not entirely sure if it was wise to bother Chaerin with my pointless inner battles. It was still her birthday party - though that had ended - and I didn’t want to ruin her blissful mood with my serious yet petty concerns.

‘’Honestly you seemed gloomy al throughout this happening of mine. Even now,’’ she sighed as I still hadn’t bothered to answer her. She shifted a bit in her position so that she almost lie against me, making herself very comfortable.

‘’I’m not,’’ I told her, only half firm.

‘’You are,’’ she pointed out. I didn’t know how to counter this and so I kept silent again as I stared at her with a blank expression on my face.

‘’I know that it is about Daehyun,’’ she began slowly, almost unsurely. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as I realized that, if my concerns were to be known by somebody, it would be for Chaerin to know. And so of course she knew. Chaerin knew everything after all. I turned my head to face something different than Chaerin. I simply couldn’t bring myself to face her as she caught me red-handed.

‘’It’s stupid,’’ I muttered, breaking the silence that had emerged between us. A part of me didn’t want to talk to her. A part of me didn’t want to bother anybody with this, but somehow I really felt the need to have Chaerin explain everything to me as well. I felt the need of her telling me that what I was feeling was okay, even though it probably wasn’t.

‘’It’s just,’’ and that’s when everything came out, ‘’I don’t know. I think I really like him and that’s starting to change me. The frustrating part is that I don’t know if I can trust him. I mean, look at this whole thing regarding Yuna. Yuna said it herself, he doesn’t want to become serious and so he doesn’t and couldn’t like me in any way back. Yet there he is coming randomly by my house, suddenly talking to me via chat, inviting me to have a meeting at Serendipity and such. The funny thing is that I’m getting my hopes up because of these things while it doesn’t mean anything to him. I guess he is just… playing around with me,’’ I finished as my demeanor changed into a sad one. Speaking the actual words out loud was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

‘’He is not playing around Aerin. I think that he is making up excuses to be with you with all those random ways of trying to get you guys to interact, that’s what liking someone is all about.’’

‘’Chaerin please, why in the world would he make up excuses?’’ I sighed out, getting really tired of those mixed signals. One moment I was sure he couldn’t and therefore didn’t genuinely like me in the slightest and when I start to acknowledge that Chaerin barks in and tries to raise my hopes. Only to get them crushed probably later on. After all, I didn’t understand Daehyun’s intentions. Not one bit. And with everything I heard about him I couldn’t help but to have a bad feeling about his intentions when it came to girls. And so, me.

I also didn’t understand Chaerin. Sometimes she seemed to be so happy about my so called romantically involvement with Daehyun while sometimes she seemed bothered by it as well. She was keeping things from me and I was growing really, really tired of all of this secrecy. I hated being in this confusing Jung Daehyun rollercoaster.

‘’Honestly, I think he has a thing for you, that’s why.’’

‘’You want to know what I think?’’ I began annoyed, frustrated and almost desperate all at once, ‘’I think that that’s just complete bull. And I’m sure you, of all people, would know that by now. There is a lot going on between Daehyun and Yuna, you know that very well too. You know everything about everyone Chaerin! I’m not stupid and I’m so done with feeling so conflicted about everything that involves him. It’s tiring me. I feel like he is whirling me in this kind of weird bucket of emotions. He can be so nice and flirty and at those times I really want to believe that he might like me. That, out of all those girls he could get as gorgeous as Yuna, he would actually like and want to get serious with me. That’s when I’m happy, genuinely happy and blissful, but then the next minute I’m being reminded of him and Yuna’s ties together. It hurts me, it hurts me more than it should and it scares me because it’s stupid and I hate feeling stupid.’’ I said it in one breath as I felt tears pricking behind my eyelids. I refused to let them fall for such petty reasons though. I wouldn’t cry over a guy.

‘’Aerin, I—‘’ Chaerin tried with worried eyes.

‘’I don’t know… I feel like I don’t understand. Not him, not myself. Not anymore. And then I feel like I’m whining and making a big deal out of everything and that’s so unlike me Chaerin. I’m acting sensitive and mentally clingy towards something that isn’t even something yet. I’m not making any sense with my feelings and judgment and I hate that out of all people you are not being honest with me, because I need that. I need someone to be honest with me. I just don’t know. Never mind I’m just rambling,’’ I sighed a long breath, rubbing my temples in both desperation and frustration.

I was so confused. I didn’t know if this were my hormones getting the upper hand, but I sure hoped so. Because that way everything would be over in a couple of days. I felt like complete and it was like my mind and heart weren’t agreeing on anything. Chaerin trying to raise my hopes wasn’t helping one bit either.

‘’Aerin, I’m sorry. I just… I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. I know how insecure you are. I mean, why can’t you just accept the fact that he might sincerely like you? Why would that be so weird?’’

‘’Because it’s me, Chaerin. It’s not you, or Choi Yuna or even that Kim Jinah. It’s me Park Aerin. I’m not that pretty, I’m not always fun around him and I’m just… he’s just out of my league and I hate that you or Jea or Soojin or everyone knows that and yet acts like there is this kind of thing between me and him. He’s playing around with Yuna, Chaerin. Yuna! The most gorgeous girl in our school! If he doesn’t like her how could he possibly like me? It would be going against all principles of nature!’’ It was like a word vomit. It was like I was speaking every worry, anything, that came to my mind, no matter how stupid it might’ve sounded afterwards.

‘’Oh my God, Aerin I swear to you. You are a great girl! You have the whole package. You are pretty and funny and smart and you are so incredibly nice, so nice. Even I envy it. I just… I can’t believe that you can’t see that! This is not about Daehyun anymore this is about you, not realizing how great you are and how every guy would be goddamn lucky to have you! You’ve always been like this, putting yourself down. What does it take for you to see that you are fine as you are? That being you is enough?’’ She looked sad and seeing how I did that with my superficial problems added a tad to my sadness as well.

It didn’t matter what she would say though, I couldn’t really view myself the way she described me. Maybe for a moment, a second of a confidence streak. That would be until I would pass Yuna in the hallway and all of that confidence would crumble down upon glancing over at girls like her. Girls that seemed to have everything coming for them. Amazing girls that were crushing on the same exact popular guy I was unfortunately crushing on.

‘’What are you thinking?’’ Chaerin asked after a quite long silence on my part. I didn’t know what to say. I had my emotional bursts around her once in a while - once in a long while - and they were terrible if they occurred. Chaerin would always be there during those moments knowing just what to say. But I always felt as if she was sugar coating me, telling me lies to cheer me up. Lies that felt good at first, until they came crashing down on me later on.

‘’I’m thinking that I’m getting too attached to at least the idea of him,’’ I said dryly, staring right in front of me.

‘’I think that’s only natural when you like someone.’’

Liking him was starting to mess with me. I’ve never liked someone in this way. Not to the point it would drive me somehow crazy. And I didn’t know if that craziness was something included whenever you would, always, genuinely like someone or if it was entirely Jung Daehyun’s fault. I didn’t know, simply because I had never crushed on somebody who had girls lining up for them. Girls such as Choi Yuna.

‘’I guess,’’ I shrugged as I stared in front of me with a dull expression.

‘’What are you going to do?’’ Chaerin asked softly, almost a whisper as she leaned her head against my shoulder. It must have been quite the sight. Two best friends on a couch, one almost in tears for dumb heartbreak even though she didn’t even have a boyfriend, the other comforting her as her head leaned against the others shoulder. It was a way of comforting only Chaerin could do. Luckily there was no one to ruin our moment. Yejin and Chaerin’s parents had gone over to an acquaintance since the early morning so it wasn’t like they could barge in any second.

‘’Nothing. I’ll just… try to keep him at a distance and try to forget about him.’’

‘’Honestly. I don’t think that’ll work with Jung Daehyun. He is pretty persistent and if I’m right I don’t think he’ll want to leave you alone. Plus I think it will be pretty hard to keep your distance from him, since you are the one who will feel miserable because of that distance in the first place,’’ Chaerin said as she heaved a sigh. She was right. But what could I do? I didn’t want to like him. Not if it was going to be as complicated as I found it right now.

Unfortunately feelings couldn’t be switched off that easily.

‘’That day in the library,’’ Chaerin suddenly spoke causing me to look up to her, ‘’he spoke about how he thought you were cute and especially cool to hang out with since Youngjae had asked what the relationship between the two of you was.’’ Chaerin’s head was still resting on my shoulder and her fingers were making little circles on my legs as she continued: ‘’Youngjae then asked ‘what about Yuna’ and Daehyun… he became a bit more passionate as he talked about her. He talked how he viewed her and it was mainly… how amazing her looks and body were and such. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it would kill your self-esteem as it wasn’t a, perhaps false, assumption on your part anymore but instead it would be something Daehyun literally said himself. I didn’t want to tell you because, even though you had insisted that it was just a simple crush, I knew you were already developing something more than that. And I know that this piece of information would hurt you even though it shouldn’t really.’’

‘’How… how could this not hurt me?’’

Chaerin sat straight again, ‘’It was such a long time ago and a quite lot has happened between the two of you since then right? There is no doubt that there is, or was something complicated between Yuna and Daehyun but—‘’

‘’DaeNa,’’ I interrupted.

‘’What?’’

‘’Their couple name is DaeNa. It is written on the wall in the toilet cubicle,’’ I answered dryly.

‘’That’s not the point. What I am saying is that despite their seemingly relationship he could still like you Aerin. According to the rumors the two of them, at least, had an intimate relationship and Yuna has told us that herself too. People assume that, since they were intimate with each other, they were a couple but that wasn’t the case. Yuna told us that herself. I don’t think they were ever close to an official couple actually and I even think that they aren’t intimate with each other anymore – for quite some time. I think it’s over between them, much to Yuna’s disappointment.’’

It was a long time ago.

Define long.

Some months ago.

The conversation between me and Daehyun during that day at Serendipity suddenly popped up from the back of my mind.

‘’He’s a guy, Aerin. Guys like things that stimulate the eye and I agree that Yuna seems able to do that. I have heard several guys talk about her and I learned that it was cool to talk about her as if she is some sort of goddess. I think guys find it cool to talk and fantasize with each other over a girl like Yuna since she is y, looks confident and she seems to have the whole package. But that’s not all there is to liking somebody Aerin. I know that because I have fallen for somebody I normally wouldn’t, appearance wise, consider as someone I would normally fall for. Yuna’s outer appearance is stunning but we don’t know how she truly is with Daehyun. Maybe she is whiny, maybe she is clingy, maybe she cares about the wrong things much to Daehyun’s dislike, maybe she picks her nose and maybe she is really irritably dumb. We don’t know that Aerin so don’t act like she’s that perfect because no one is. Sometimes you like someone for reasons you can’t recall yourself.’’ I took a deep breath and nearly felt like crying as I considered Chaerin’s speech.

‘’But—‘’

‘’No buts Aerin. Don’t put yourself down like that. Honestly, what is it that you are so afraid of with him?’’

‘’I’m afraid that he is playing games with me Chaerin. I’m afraid that he’s only being as he is with me because he has hidden motives behind it. I’m afraid that I allow myself to like him and therefore allow myself to fall for him when he isn’t going to catch me in the end. I just… I don’t know. I feel bad. I feel bad for disliking Yuna simply because she happens to like Daehyun as well. Am I better than Soojin in that aspect?’’ Chaerin immediately wanted to open to answer that question but I went on nonetheless and so she kept shut, ‘’I feel bad for disliking her only because she has a more intimate relationship with him and I’m afraid that that relationship isn’t entirely over, simply because I can’t imagine Daehyun letting go of her for me, or anyone else for that matter. I’m scared of being played by the first guy I… I’ve really fallen for.’’

I was never a fan of hugging but Chaerin’s suddenly shifted so that she could hug me and I found real comfort in that. I almost allowed a petty tear to fall and in that moment I pitied myself. I hated that I was so insecure. I couldn’t help it, but I was. My tough act had crumbled down right in front of Chaerin and there wasn’t an ounce of that act left anymore.

‘’Listen to yourself Aerin. You have everything figured out already. How is that? Your problem is that you assume certain thing you heard as truth. You make a math calculation about how it isn’t possible for him to be serious with you, solely because he wasn’t with Yuna. What ed up way of thinking is that? Why do you feel the need to measure yourself to other people? You assume everything about Daehyun whilst you don’t even know his side of the story at all. I don’t blame you for that Aerin and I’m sure not taking his side here, because if it turns out that this, indeed, is all a sick game to him I’m coming for his , but until that time it isn’t fair to him if you judge him like you’re doing. You are not giving him any chance to prove your crazy theories regarding him wrong. I never had the impression that he was all too bad and I have been sharing PE with the guy ever since we started high school. It’s funny because you have your whole theory about his feelings sort out yet you can’t even decipher your own. How is that? I’m not saying that you should run into his arms without questioning certain things, but… love is a gamble and you have to allow your pride to hurt a bit for it to work. Or at least, that’s what I read in a book,’’ Chaerin chuckled faintly, bringing some refreshing light to the gloomy atmosphere. I couldn’t help but to love her for that and I couldn’t help but to laugh a bit even though I didn’t want to, in the slightest.

‘’You actually read books?’’ I joked along, sniffing and laughing almost all at once. She only chuckled and nodded faintly.

Then she gently patted my back as she softly whispered the following, wise, words. Words that would eventually engrave themselves within me, somewhere faintly in the back:

‘’Remember Aerin. You have to love yourself before anyone else can.’’ 

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