Chapter 28 - For love

It was 20:31 PM when I received his text. I was seated on the couch with my mother, absent-mindedly watching television as we waited for my dad to arrive. He had asked his employee - the one I still hadn’t met as he worked during the weekdays - if he could take over my shift, since I couldn’t work due to Chaerin’s birthday sleep over. The said employee taking over my shift would have made it likely for my dad to come home a bit earlier. It was Sunday after all. My dad hadn’t arrived yet, however, and so my mom and I, but especially my mom, waited patiently for him to show his face. The thought about the whereabouts of my father had automatically vanished upon reading the text however. A text that, surprisingly, came from the guy I had almost spilled tears over back at Chaerin’s just hours ago.

Daehyun: Who would’ve thought that Park Aerin could dance?

Daehyun: Are there more things I need to know about you?

I had read his message for about the third time, slightly frowning as I realized that there was no usual hi, but instead he had approached me quite straight to the point. I had mixed feelings about the text, or rather Daehyun himself in general, yet I couldn’t help but to, unknowingly, crack a little smile as well. Damn him.

The smile only lasted for a short while though, as it didn’t stop me from still being somewhat suspicions of him. I had thought a lot about Daehyun and his so called image as I had traveled back home. And so I had thought about what it was that I exactly wanted – with, and from, him. In the end I resolved that it would be for the best if I were to keep some distance from him. If I were to just stay away and therefore eventually forget about him there was no possibility for me to be hurt in any way. And that, as of right now, seemed the most sensible thing to do.

Aerin: What?

Daehyun: You dancing to girl groups

Daehyun: Very intriguing  

Aerin: How did you see that?

I was half embarrassed at the realization of Daehyun seeing me dance that eventful day. I knew that the girls had made recordings of it but I hadn’t expected for him to see those recordings.

Daehyun: Snapchat’s my story

Aerin: Of course

Daehyun: So what's up?

Aerin: Nothing

Daehyun: That sounds promising

Daehyun: What are you doing now?

Aerin: Nothing

Daehyun: That sounds... boring

Aerin: Maybe because I am

Aerin: After all, you said so right?

Daehyun: I didn't mean it Aerin

Aerin: Sure

Daehyun: Is there something wrong?

Was there something wrong? I think there was. Or rather, I felt there was. I didn’t know actually. My feelings were a mess and I didn’t know how to act around Daehyun honestly. Not even through a simple medium such as KakaoTalk. I had wanted to say things differently, but somehow everything came out so bitter. Perhaps I wanted to test him. Perhaps I wanted to know if he were to stick around whenever I would be this curt. Perhaps I wanted to know how hard he would try to get to me. Perhaps this was a petty way in allowing him to show me what this, us, exactly was.

Aerin: Why?

Daehyun: You seem... different

Aerin: Different how

Daehyun: I don't know

Daehyun: Just different

And with that our brief conversation was over. As much to my, pretended, relief as to my, actual and secret, disappointment. It took me all my mental strength not to answer him any further, acting indifferent in the hope of hurting him, in the same way he certainly would have done to me if the roles were to be reversed. It was childish and selfish but I wanted to get back at him somehow and so I was, somewhere, relieved that I had successfully distanced myself from him in this conversation. But as the minutes passed and I kept staring at our brief conversation I realized that being distant didn’t feel good at all. It only felt smart. My actions - or (lack of) sayings rather - made the mind win over the heart, but I couldn’t tell if I was completely satisfied with that so called victory.

Weeks later I figured that I wasn’t satisfied with how thing were. Daehyun had attempted to talk to me, via chat, multiple times, but I had always been rather curt and unlike myself in those conversations. I guess that it discouraged Daehyun at some point as he didn’t bother to talk to me after those several attempts. Something that should’ve been good but, just as back then, didn’t feel so at all. At some point I even began to miss him. I hadn’t seen him in quite a while either. Only in the hallways in school. He would smile and nod, but nothing more. Moreover, I missed the attention he could give me. There was simply a lack of Daehyun and it didn’t feel good at all. I truly felt as if something important was missing and the ironic thing was that it was all of my own doing.

‘’Oh my god guys,’’ Chaerin spoke in between her laughing, snapping me out of my thoughts about Daehyun. Both Jea and I had no idea why Chaerin was laughing all of a sudden, but apparently she recalled something funny which she was about to share with us. I grabbed the bag of chips that lay on the coffee table and stuffed my face with the salty snack, all the while watching Chaerin with raised brows. Jea did about the same before she snatched the bag away from me. We were currently at Jea’s, spending some long lost quality time as we simply hung out in the living room. It was something we hadn’t done in weeks. The last time would have been during Chaerin’s birthday and that had been three weeks back. We were nearing the end of March already and it had been a tough month for several reasons. The first reason being my non-existing relationship with Daehyun and the second and last reason being a week filled with tests. I had done nothing but to work and to study. Somewhere I had been grateful about that as it, at least, distracted me from feeling miserable due to the lack of contact with Daehyun – which was my own fault and supposed purpose anyway.

‘’What?’’ I asked as I sat straight and focused all of my attention on Chaerin.

‘’I did something very stupid and embarrassing, yet… very funny as well, come to think of it,’’ Chaerin nervously chuckled, her volume dying down as she spoke until it was completely silent.

‘’What did you do?’’ Jea questioned interested before she stuffed another hand of chips in .

‘’So remember yesterday when I went over to Yongguk’s?’’ She began. Chaerin went over to Yongguk’s quite often now. It was safe to say that it was her fourth house. After her own, Jea’s and finally mine, that is.

‘’Yes?’

‘’So I went to the restroom and when I came back to the living room I noticed Yongguk standing in front of the television. His back was facing me and so I back hugged him and said: what are you looking at babe, in my supposed guy voice – just to joke around. Then it turned out to be his twin brother!’’ She exclaimed, a surprised and embarrassment expression apparent on her face.

It was completely silent until her short story finally kicked in. Both Jea and I laughed hysterically once it did, practically rolling over the floor. Kim Chaerin was undoubtedly crazy. And as I couldn’t bring myself to stop laughing I came to realize how much I had missed my friends. Sure, we talked through KakaoTalk almost every day and even in there Chaerin would always crack those typical Chaerin jokes, but it was still different somehow. The said girl, naturally, spend a lot of time around her boyfriend and I honestly kind of envied that she had that special someone she felt so good with, returning her feelings. I often fantasized how it would be if Daehyun and I were to be a couple, even though that fantasy was literally nothing more than a mere fantastic dream by now. My behavior had made sure of that.

‘’Don’t laugh! I was so freaking embarrassed! I swear! I don’t believe my face was ever as red as it was back then. They look so much alike, especially from the back!’’

‘’You chuckled yourself!’’ Jea countered, still in hysterical laughter. I had already stopped laughing but Jea could laugh hours over the same thing, as she was doing now.

‘’Okay well, you’re right,’’ she chuckled before she went silent again. A sigh escaped her lips before she spoke again: ‘’I really missed spending time like this.’’

‘’You are the one being busy with your boyfriend,’’ Jea mocked as she pushed Chaerin playfully. The latter only rolled her eyes in response. We weren’t really bothered by the fact that she was pretty occupied with Yongguk - in fact, we were very happy for her - but we still liked to about it as well.

‘’He could arrive within minutes. We just can’t stay away from each other,’’ Chaerin remarked as she took out her phone and suddenly typed away on the device, an incredible wide smile apparent.

‘’What?’’ Jea and I asked almost simultaneously.

‘’He said he is on his way here with the guys. They are going to have a videogame tournament,’’ Chaerin casually pointed out.

It was as if my heart stood still for a moment. I felt incredibly nervous all of a sudden. I hadn’t been with Daehyun for what felt like ages and now he was going to be here? I dreaded it as much as I was, secretly, excited for it.

‘’That’s great,’’ I mumbled as I nervously observed a strand of my hair as if it were the most interesting thing in the world, not sure how to posture myself.

‘’How… is everything going with you Aerin? With you and Daehyun, I mean,’’ Jea questioned unsurely. Jea and I had spent more time with each other ever since BangRin became real. In result I finally had the opportunity to fill her in about everything regarding the male in question. I told her about all my troubles. Starting from the very beginning - even though I wasn’t sure what that beginning was exactly - and ending exactly at the time when he and I last spoke. That I had a crush on him didn’t even come as much of a surprise to her. She stated that she had a hunch. I wondered if it was that obvious, but concluded that it wasn’t – except for my two closest friends who, as annoying as that could be, knew me very well.

‘’I don’t know. Haven’t spoken to him for… three weeks?’’ I tried to answer as casual as possible. My face betrayed me however as my attempt to smile failed. The corners of my lips simply wouldn’t lift up.

‘’Why is that?’’

‘’I’m trying to get him out of my head,’’ I spoke only half determined.

‘’Why would you try to do that instead of going after him?’’ Jea asked with narrowed eyes.

‘’Because… that’s for the best isn’t it? Besides he doesn’t talk to me anyway.’’

‘’Why don’t you talk to him then?’’

‘’What?’’

‘’I said why don’t you just talk to him first,’’ Jea repeated, her brows slightly furrowed.

I had been thinking about contacting Daehyun a lot, in all honestly. There were times when I was crazy for interaction with him and in those times I would just open KakaoTalk, search his name and type a simple hi. Then I would erase it, not sure how to start talking to somebody I had been curt with for so many weeks. What if he was annoyed with me by now? Somehow I was scared of talking to him and so I patiently waited for him to talk to me. That hadn’t happened however and I doubted that it ever would.

‘’Well?’’ Chaerin meddled in as I hadn’t given an answer yet.

‘’I, I don’t know. What am going to say even?’’

‘’Well what about a: Hi Daehyun long time no speak. I miss you like crazy because I’m crazily in love with you but I heard so many bad things about you and besides that I tend to overanalyze everything and so I calculated that you can’t possibly like or love me back, so I’m  not talking to you because it is just a waste of time. Oh yes, calculating you might ask? Yes calculating since I’m comparing love with math. But yeah I calculated that Yuna is so perfect and therefore you must, forever, like her and nobody else. Which is why I try to forget you, which obviously isn’t working, because hey, here I am talking to you because I feel quite miserable without you!’’ Chaerin voiced in one breath earning a teasing high five from Jea. It was so accurate that it left me absolutely dumbfounded in what to say.

‘’Or something along those lines,’’ she shrugged innocently.

‘’I’m only half joking Aerin,’’ she spoke again once she took notice of my startled expression. ‘’But really just talk to him. Believe me, you will feel way better than you’re obviously feeling now. Stop worrying so much, allow your pride to hurt and go after h—‘’

Chaerin never finished her sentence as she was stopped by the sound of the front door slamming shut. There were voices in the hallway, most likely from six loud boys who were undoing themselves from their shoes and jackets. I was proven half right as five - instead of six - boys entered the living room only a minute later. One of them had the ability to make my heart jump out of my chest. As it was about to do now. Daehyun looked at me and I nervously bit my lower lip as I had no idea how to feel and respond to his presence.

Time seemed to stand still for a moment. That was until Himchan snapped me back to earth with his crystal clear voice. ‘’Jea, we’re going to make use of that television,’’ he pointed out, interrupting the eye-contact I had with Daehyun as the latter shifted his eyes towards Himchan who was making his way over to us.

‘’Knock yourself out, we’re not making use of it,’’ Jea shrugged indifferently, which in turn caused Himchan to smile in delight. He had probably expected a counterattack from his little sister, the two of them often bickered about everything and nothing after all.

‘’Great,’’ Himchan spoke as he took hold of the remote that lay on the coffee table in front of him.

And so the three of us ended up watching the guys play videogames. Or well, Jea did. All Chaerin did was to comfortably lean against Yongguk’s shoulder as she gently played with his hands, like a real loving girlfriend. I envied it to be honest. Especially as I watched Daehyun in the corner of my eyes. He stood only a few meters away from me. I felt nervous for no particular reason. Perhaps because I didn’t know how to act. I desperately wanted to say something, anything, to him but on the same time my mind was telling me to keep the indifferent act I had been keeping for so long. Besides, we hadn’t talked in weeks. It would surely be awkward if I were to randomly say hi all of a sudden. Moreover, Daehyun hadn’t said anything ever since he was in here. I figured that we weren’t on good terms and I felt like slapping myself for being the cause of that.

‘’Aerin,’’ I heard the voice I had missed so much call for me unexpectedly. The way he spoke my name so casually send weird shivers down my spine and it took me all of my willpower to finally, casually, look him in the eye. He smiled his loveable trademark smile, almost as if we hadn’t not talked for three entire weeks. Almost as if there had happened nothing between the two of us – which was literally the case. It was exactly then that I started to wonder if I was, perhaps, being overdramatic about our supposed little break. Was I making a big deal out of something that wasn’t even a big deal to him?

‘’Would you be so sweet to stand up and let me sit instead?’’ He asked, surprising me with his blunt request. I remained silent as I watched Daehyun who was standing next to the couch I sat on. All the seats on the couch had been occupied and so there was no room for him to sit anymore. I blinked a few times as I considered his words. Was he mocking me?

‘’Excuse me?’’ I brought myself to say.

‘’Can you give me your seat?’’

‘’Why my seat? And why don’t you just sit on the floor?’’ I immediately retorted with raised brows as I pointed next to Zelo, who was comfortably sitting on the discussed floor. This wasn’t the way I had expected to talk to Daehyun again. Not that I expected to talk to him anyway but still. It felt weird that he was teasing me as if nothing had happened. As if we hadn’t practically become strangers to each other in those three weeks. I liked it though and my heart gradually grew warmer as I realized how glad I was that Daehyun acted as his normal self to me. The normal self I missed and liked so much. I had expected a cold indifferent shower, after all. And to eventually not receive that shower was more than pleasant. In that moment I vowed to forget about all the concerns I had regarding him. To act normal just as Daehyun was doing now. To act like I would have done before that first cursed day I began to, seriously, doubt Daehyun. To just go along with Chaerin’s advice.

‘’Because I want to sit on your spot,’’ he answered nonchalantly, almost as if this request wasn’t all sorts of weird. I only rolled my eyes in response, not planning to even give in to his ridiculousness that, honestly, amused the heck out of me right now.

‘’There she is again,’’ I heard him mutter, probably referring to me rolling my eyes, before he cracked a smile and eventually dropped himself next to Zelo. I watched him as he did so, not being able to stop watching him. Everything he did was somehow so charming. From the way he could just walk all the way to his little smiles that were just so mesmerizing. I wondered what it would be like if someone as charming as him was willing to be the boyfriend of someone as average as me. I had fantasized about it so much as a matter of fact and it was such a pleasant yet surreal fantasy.  

‘’I’m thirsty,’’ Jea remarked at some point. We had been watching the boys play games for around half an hour now. Jea fully participated in the tournament and I had to admit that she was pretty good. ‘’Aerin?’’ She trailed as she looked at me with pleading eyes.

‘’You’re so incredibly lazy Jea, it’s not even funny anymore,’’ I groaned half annoyed as I picked up on her hint.

‘’Pleaseeeee,’’ she begged as she got the controller from Zelo who lost against Himchan. I took a deep breath, cursed her, stood up and eventually gave in, only because I had nothing better to do anyway. As I made my way towards the kitchen I heard several calls after me. ‘’Me too please, Aerin!’’ Zelo shouted. ‘’Me too!’’ Daehyun and Himchan joined in, causing me to roll my eyes as I stepped foot into the kitchen. I had to visit that kitchen twice as I couldn’t carry the bottle of Coke and the eight glasses within one visit. Once I finally returned to the living room, I spotted Daehyun cheekily sitting in my seat. I watched him with raised brows as I carefully lay the last glasses on the coffee table.

‘’As expected, Aerin is the best,’’ I heard Jongup speak before he gave me a wide grin. I gave him a smile back before I opened the bottle and poured its content in every single glass. Almost as if I was their waitress.

‘’She is indeed the best!’’ Jea exclaimed as she grabbed one of the already filled glasses and gave me her infamous smug smile. I shook my head at her behavior, but couldn’t help to laugh a bit as well.

‘’Jung Daehyun,’’ I spoke calmly once I had given everyone, expect for Daehyun, their drink. He looked at me with mischievous eyes, almost as if he was a little kid. It was so weird that all concerns had immediately vanished now that I felt his presence again. It was as if my resolution hadn’t meant anything. It only added to the theory that I, indeed, had become a bit bipolar ever since I entangled myself with Jung Daehyun.

‘’Surnames. We are getting serious here,’’ he teased, his well-known smirk appearing as he grabbed his drink from my hand, allowing our fingers to touch for a brief moment. I felt the butterflies whirl around in my stomach, all of a simple touch.

‘’Daehyun give me my seat back,’’ I urged with a supposed intimidating glare as I made sure to stand directly in front of him. He didn’t seem all too fazed with my feigned dangerous expression. He seemed amused, on the contrary.

‘’No,’’ he told me firmly before he took a sip of his Coke.

‘’Daehyun, please.’’

‘’Hmm,’’ he hummed as if he was seriously considering my request for a while, ‘’no Aerin.’’

‘’I even got you something to drink. Be nice?’’ I sighed, pretending to be irritated while I was actually a bit amused by his cheeky playful side.

‘’I am nice.’’

‘’If you let me sit, then yes.’’

‘’Nice try, Aerin.’’

‘’So you seriously won’t give me back my seat?’’ I asked in disbelieve.

‘’No.’’

‘’Daehy—‘’

‘’Oh God. Are you guys done with your lovers bicker?’’ Chaerin questioned quite loudly, rising over all the noise in this room. My face heated up in all fifty shades of red as I noticed Yongguk, Jea and Jongup chuckle because of Chaerin’s sudden feigned outburst. Himchan and Zelo, luckily, hadn’t noticed much as their attention was solely on the television and nothing else.

I didn’t respond to Chaerin’s question, but instead kept embarrassedly quiet. As did Daehyun, though I doubted that he was embarrassed. After all, the guy always held a confident posture as if nothing could really faze him.

‘’Daehyun?’’ I tried one last time, once everybody minded everything but me. My voice was softer this time so that the other couldn’t interfere. Or rather, Chaerin couldn’t.

‘’I’m actually good in this place.’’

I decided to give up, rolled my eyes and already made my way towards the, ground, spot next to Zelo. So this was how I was getting repaid for giving all of them their daily doses of liquid.

‘’But if you want you can sit on my lap?’’ Daehyun smirked, patting his lap, as I finally took a seat beside Zelo. I turned to look up to Daehyun, slightly baffled with his statement. 

‘’No thank you,’’ I finally responded once I recovered.

‘’You sure?’’

‘’Absolutely su—‘’

‘’Is there something going on between the two of you?’’ Jongup, who had apparently watched us all the while, questioned as he blinked, catching me off guard with the question.

‘’Oh no,’’ I immediately defended.

‘’Perhaps there is,’’ Daehyun shrugged nonchalantly, his cat smile appearing after speaking those words. Leaving me somewhat breathless.

‘’Perhaps? Yeah right! There most definitely is,’’ Chaerin pointed out amused, wiggling her eyebrows – only to be seen for me, and perhaps Yongguk.

I didn’t say anything. Daehyun didn’t either. Instead he looked at me as the corners of his lips curled up, showering me with that genuine smile that made my insides go weak.

And just like that, everything regarding us, seemed somewhat okay again. Somewhere, at the back of my mind, somewhere at the same place where those insecurities regarding him were was something that was called hope. And somehow it was definitely stronger than all the ill feelings I experienced in those past three weeks in which I had tried to protect myself by trying to forget about him. I realized that I was quite miserable without Daehyun and being miserable could never outweigh the happiness I felt whenever I was actually with him.

And that was exactly the dangerous thing about falling in love with Jung Daehyun.

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