Chapter 43 - Say something, I'm giving up on you

Two weeks eventually came to pass.

Two weeks of uneasiness. Fourteen days of restlessness. And three hundred thirty-six hours of inexplicable discomfort. In that time Jung Daehyun had been erased. Or at least erased as in the technical sense of the word.

I had his number blocked – I couldn’t quite bring myself to delete it, at least not yet – and I had also wisely removed him as my friend from Facebook. I successfully managed to avoid him during and outside of school. I purposely didn’t go over at Jea’s place anymore and to top all of this off; I made Jea and Chaerin promise not to ever bring him up. And they didn’t.

However, I soon found out that erasing him emotionally was dozens of times harder than it was to erase him technically, because erasing him wasn’t just done by trying to deny his existence. At first I had foolishly thought that if I were to delete him just enough, just the right amount, it would be like nothing ever happened between us. But apparently it didn’t work, or I didn’t delete him enough, because he kept existing in my thoughts. Every single day after that disastrous confrontation between us.

And at the end of another day when I lied awake in my bed, alone with my thoughts, I caught myself pointlessly thinking about him. And us. I thought about the memories aligned with him. About what had gone wrong and about whether there was a chance that he still cared enough to fix this. And more often than not, I found myself wondering if he was wondering about the exact same things I was wondering about. And whether he was so desperately thinking about me too. Deep down I knew that there was no point in wondering; I shouldn’t be thinking about whether he was thinking about me. I shouldn’t be thinking of the what if’s. That day, that Monday two weeks ago, I had made it very clear that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I had practically screamed at him to leave me alone and that was exactly what he was doing.

But was that truly what I wanted? Was I happy with how things were now?

I had strongly convinced myself that I did; that this was for a fact for the best.   

But on second thought I wasn’t entirely sure.

*

‘’It’s really not too short right?’’ I asked hesitantly as I thoroughly inspected the ends of my freshly cut locks – again. It felt weird, my hair not being long over my shoulders like it used to be. It also felt good though; like change. It felt different.

I was different.

Or at least I desperately wanted to be.

‘’For the third time, no. It’s not even short!’’ Chaerin told me with a characteristic roll of her eye.

‘’But it is quite a bit shorter,’’ I pointed out with my finger pedantically held in the air. Chaerin couldn’t refrain from rolling her eyes again and I sheepishly laughed it off and came to stare at the grass beneath our feet. It was slightly wet, green and full of live. As was the entire open field packed with students in front of us.

‘’It’s the last day today,’’ Jea reminded us, but especially me, as she gave me this certain look.

I kept quiet, because I knew very well that today marked the last school day of our second year in high school. The sports event was traditionally our school’s closing event and after declaring a winning team students would be heading home and into their long awaited summer break. The three of us finally finishing this schoolyear wasn’t what she had been referring to though. Kim Jea was instead discreetly referring to the last day that I could actually reach out to my bad romance lover Jung Daehyun.

‘’I know! I can’t believe that they always make us do this stupid sports day one day before our summer break!’’ Chaerin whined with drooped shoulders. I chuckled. Kim Chaerin wasn’t a big fan of sports. Never had been, never would be. Especially not soccer.

‘’You know what I can’t believe?’’ Jea wisely ignored Chaerin’s whining. ‘’I can’t believe that this schoolyear passed by so quickly.’’

‘’I can’t believe I actually cut my hair,’’ I muttered thoughtlessly. 

Now Jea joined in on Chaerin’s rolling eyes party. I laughed sheepishly, all the while relieved that I had managed to avoid the topic that was Jung Daehyun. Or at least I thought I did; but only a few moments later I was proven wrong. Jea looked up to me and carefully asked me: ‘’So… how are things…. with you and Daehyun? Still haven’t talked?’’

‘’You promised not to bring him up!’’ I reminded her immediately. It was already hard enough to forget about him on my own. I didn’t need Jea to make it extra harder.

‘’Yeah, but you can’t keep acting like nothing ever happened. It’s making you unhappy, I can see it.’’

I tugged a strand of hair behind my ear. The action felt different now that my hair was shorter. ‘’What are you talking about? I feel… good.’’ I didn’t even sound sure of myself, but I hoped that Jea hadn’t caught on to that. I carefully looked up to see how convincing I had sounded but caught her looking at me in an unimpressed matter. Chaerin had the same look on. ‘’Truly,’’ I added to make it just a tad more believable.

‘’Aerin…’’ Jea tried.

I broke her off. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear anything about Jung Daehyun. ‘’Seriously, I’m good. Can we please drop this and talk about something else? Like… how we’re going to find out in what teams we are? Or how this day will proceed in general? Honestly, I haven’t been paying much attention when Mr. Lim explained everything to us. Do you guys know anything?’’ I rattled pointlessly.

Jea and Chaerin exchanged worried glances and I sighed before I simply looked away, concentrating hard on where we were supposed to assemble. The open field was enormous; probably 150 meters long. There were small cottages in which you could buy food, go to the toilet or change into your sports outfit. Behind it were the woods. The teachers always warned us not to go there, but they really had no say in that after the event; students were well aware of this too.

We stood at the entrance of the open field. Some students were already eagerly headed for the cottages. Perhaps to have breakfast. It was still a bit early; the event would only start in half an hour. I spotted various big signs nailed in the ground, approximately 20 meters in front of us. Students were gathered around them. ‘’There,’’ Jea pointed towards the signs. ‘’The teams are written down there. I believe the time tables and instructions are there too.’’

‘’I don’t understand why they couldn’t give us the teams beforehand.’’ Chaerin let out a breath of annoyance. I nodded in agreement. Just like the previous year, the event was not well organized. Everything was vague and frankly I had no idea what was supposed to happen. I suppose I would just go with the flow and figure it out along the way – just like last year.

Jea motioned for us to head to the sign that was the least crowded and we simply followed after her. ‘’You know what we haven’t done in a while?’’ she brought up randomly on our way. Both Chaerin and I looked up at her, our ears perking up as we awaited the answer to her own question. ‘’A slumber party! We should do that again soon.’’

‘’As long as it’s not in your house,’’ I muttered. Jea and Chaerin whipped their heads in my direction and gave me a dramatic look, one that very much asked me whether I would really go this far to avoid Jung Daehyun. I couldn’t help but to laugh at their expressions; I would for a fact never go over to Jea for that sole reason. Chaerin was about to say something, but we were already in the presence of other students and so she quickly dropped whatever she wanted to say. Instead she told us that she didn’t care for the house; as long as we got to be together.

Once we stood at the sign, I squeezed my eyes together in an attempt to find my name. It wasn’t an easy task; they were in a small font size and there were countless of them, all second year students. ‘’Geez,’’ I heard Jea mumble at some point. She was thoroughly scanning the sign for her name somewhere. I followed her example, but gave up after a good few minutes. Chaerin hadn’t even bothered in the first place and instead inspected the state of her nails.

‘’Have you found my name yet?’’ She asked me thoughtlessly, her eyes still very much on her nails. I rolled my eyes and was about to tell her that she should find out in which team she belonged herself when I felt a sudden tab on my shoulder. I turned around and was greeted with the sight of Jin.

‘’Oh hey,’’ I brought out casually.

‘’Hey teammate.’’ He sounded extremely excited despite the early hour we were in. I was still in the stages of waking up, but Jin didn’t seem to have that problem; he was fully awake.

‘’We’re on the same team?’’ I asked relieved – partly because there was at least one familiar face, partly because I didn’t have to search for my name anymore.

Jin nodded and in the corner of my eye I could see Chaerin puffing her cheeks before she finally searched for her name on the sign. ‘’You’ve cut your hair,’’ Jin pointed out, interrupting my thoughts and laughs about Chaerin. I wanted to say yes I did, but before I could do so Jin opened his mouth already. ‘’It looks nice.’’

I smiled. ‘’Thanks.’’

‘’Any reasons why you cut it?’’

‘’Not really,’’ I told him with a shrug. It wasn’t a complete lie, I tried telling myself. I had whole-heartedly convinced myself that there was no specific reason for my sudden change in appearance, but I suppose that in reality there was. In reality, I wanted a fresh start for myself. The end of the schoolyear marked the end of Jung Daehyun and a new beginning with shorter hair. It all made perfect sense in my head. That was until I was actually at the hairdresser and I could see my black locks lifelessly lying on the floor. I had panicked a little at the sight, but all in all I couldn’t complain. It felt slightly different, but it looked quite nice. Jea, Chaerin and Jin had thought so too.

‘’So we’re the black team,’’ Jin brought up randomly, running over my pointless thoughts about my hair in the process. ‘’There is this other guy in our team and he’s pretty good. I think we have a chance to win this thing with him.’’ I nodded, but barely registered the words he was speaking to me. Instead I had focused on my two friends. Apparently, they had finally found their names. Their eyes met mine, but they quickly realized that I was now with Jin so instead of joining in on our conversation they bid a quick goodbye and told me they’d meet me after this thing would be over. I was about to turn my head to focus on Jin again when something caught me of guard; when he caught me of guard.

Jung Daehyun casually stood at another sign not all too far away from us. He wore grey sweatpants, a white loose T-shirt and white Adidas Superstar sneakers. On the top of his head was a black and white cap, which he wore backwards. He thoroughly checked the sign for his name. I observed the way his brows furrowed together. I could see how he moistened his lips as he searched for his name in concentration, his hands carelessly in his sweats' pockets. I tried to spot Yuna near him, but he wasn’t with her. And now that I thought about it, I hadn’t seen them together ever since three weeks ago. I did spot Youngjae next to him though.

‘’Did you get to eat already? Want to head for one of the cottages?’’ Jin continued to ask me questions. He wasn’t in the least aware of the way I struggled to keep my cool. I hated how seeing Daehyun made me weak in my knees again. I didn’t want to be weak in my knees again.

There was this weird feeling in my stomach and I released the breath I didn’t even know I was holding as I attempted to answer Jin. Shaking my head, I firmly said to him: ‘’No I haven’t. Shall we go then?’’ I casted one last glance over Daehyun. He hadn’t taken notice of me.

Or maybe he did, but decided to ignore my existence too.

The day unfolded surprisingly smooth. The beginning had gone rocky, because students had trouble finding their respective teams, but everything else was surprisingly well thought out. Color me impressed. Next to the obvious obligated soccer matches, there were other activities organized such as archery and yoga. It was a fun way to pass time if you didn’t have a soccer match to play. I had done some archery with my team. Every team consisted of eight students; seven players in the field and one substitute. In my team there was Jin and another classmate named Kim Youjin. There was the guy Jin had mentioned earlier, Park Insoo, and he was indeed as good as Jin had told me. There were three other girls who could hold their own on the field; they weren’t entirely bad but not entirely good either. Pretty similar to me. Last there was another guy I had not ever seen before. He was a great goalkeeper though. All in all, our team was good and to top it off we also had great chemistry. It didn’t come to anyone’s surprise that we managed to reach the finals. And given the way the universe liked to screw me over, it didn’t come as a surprise that Daehyun and his team managed to reach the finals too. They were the white team and to makes matters worse: Choi Yuna was in that team too.

I was nervous just looking at the white team. I had seen them play before and they were pretty damn good. Maybe even better than we were. Jin had us stand in a circle and we were going over our strategy, but I was barely listening. Instead I watched as the students gathered to watch the finale. There were no bleachers or anything so Mr. Nam, our referee, made all of them stand or sit on the left side of the field, far away from the line. With his spray, he made another long line and urged the students not to cross it. I spotted familiar faces in the crowd. I saw Soojin and Joohyun first. Soojin gave me a big thumps up once our eyes met. I also came to spot Chaerin and Jea and I couldn’t help but to crack a small smile knowing that they were only here because it was me playing in the finale. Normally both of them didn’t care for matches. As did a lot of girls; in the audience were more boys than there were girls.

‘’Okay, so you sure you don’t mind being the substitute for this match?’’ Jin asked one of the girls, Ahn Heeyeon. She was the weakest player among us and she was well aware of this too. She didn’t mind sitting this match out for the sake of the team though, because she nodded knowingly shouted hwaiting! and headed for the sidelines.

Mr. Nam urged all the players to take their appointed positions. The white team had the kick-off and we stood impatiently on our own half of the field, ready for the whistle sound. I rubbed my sweaty hands on my sweatpants. The sun was shining brighter by now and it had become hotter. I noticed that Daehyun had changed into another pair of pants, because he had switched his grey sweatpants for grey sports shorts instead. I realized that it was the first time I saw his legs. They were quite muscular. Not too much, but just right. I shook my head once I became aware of my thoughts. I shouldn´t waste my thoughts on Daehyun´s legs. We couldn’t afford to lose to their team. I couldn’t afford to lose to Jung Daehyun and Choi Yuna.

I came to watch the said girl. The girl who had managed to ruin everything. The spectacular girl whose social media I had stalked for weeks straight. The same girl that shared stunning pictures on all her SNS accounts, had dozens of likes – and comments – and was liked and loved by so many.

Choi Yuna who I had envied. Who I had wanted to be. Who I had hated.

Choi Yuna who I, in all fairness, couldn’t blame for anything.

I sighed and cleared my throat. Up until that point, during this entire tournament, I had glanced her way whenever I had the chance. It was honestly pathetic, because she didn’t in the least do the same thing to me. We weren’t rivals, because I wasn’t on her level. I would never be. I was not glance worthy. I was Park Aerin.

‘’Ready Aerin?’’ Jin disturbed my thoughts with his crystal clear voice. I bet he caught me dozing off. His brows were furrowed while he quickly scanned my face and judging from the position of his eyebrows he was wondering what the hell I was doing. I wondered the exact same thing.

I smiled sheepishly, accompanied with a weak nod. ‘’Ready.’’

It was an intense match from the very start and I learned one valuable thing throughout the whole thing: Choi Yuna was pretty good at soccer, but she was also competitive. I hadn’t known that about her. I couldn’t even have guessed. I had watched one of their games before and in there she had been passionate, but in this game she was bringing it to a whole other level. Every time I had the ball I could feel her breathing down my neck. I thought Yuna was gracious in everything she did, but apparently she had an ugly side too; and I felt glad that it was showing – and for everyone to see.

The first half was almost over with. We had about seven minutes left to play and I felt glad, because I was beginning to feel exhausted. The game was a tie (2-2) and we desperately wanted another goal. Jin almost made it happen, but unfortunately he missed. At some point I managed to get the ball. I briefly contemplated on passing it to someone else or just making a run with it myself. For some reason I wanted to try the latter. As I started dashing with the ball, I could feel Yuna in my neck again. I had become so awfully sick of it. It didn’t take her long to catch up with me and before I knew it Choi Yuna and I were both fighting for power over the ball. It was a struggle and I felt her tugging on my arms in order to throw me off. I wanted to give up just because she was getting dirtier by the second and just when I was about to let her have that stupid ball, I felt both her hands push me to the ground.

Hard.

I don’t know whether it was intentional or whether she was just too determined on taking the ball away from me. Whatever it was, it didn’t change the fact that I lost my balance. My shoulder harshly smacked on the grass field and a jolt of electricity shot through my right arm, leaving me to whimper in pain. The world stopped spinning for a moment and I found myself desperately wishing that nothing was wrong. I tried to get up as quickly as I had managed to fall, but I simply couldn’t. It hurt too much. Tears dwelled in my eyes and I had to rub my eyes in order to stop them from falling.

By that point Mr. Nam had stopped the game. He blew his whistle and the other players started to gather around me.  I felt hands touching me and for a second, a split second of foolery, I found myself hoping that it was Daehyun. But it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t.

‘’Aerin, are you okay?’’ Jin sounded worried. My hair had messily gotten in front of my face and I tried to brush the strands away, but as I tried to I could feel another shock go through my arm. Jin noticed my struggle and before I could even grasp what was happening I could feel him fix my hair. He tried to tuck some of my hair back into its ponytail. Some strands were too short now and he gently tucked those behind my ears. His gesture barely registered to me. My thoughts weren’t on him; it was on the pain in my arm.

‘’I’m fine,’’ I told Jin with a weak smile. Jin helped me get up and I could feel the pain in my arm subside a little bit. ‘’It’s just that my arm hurts.’’ I looked up and met with the faces of my team. When I glanced over them I got to spot Daehyun. He just stood there. Not all too close, but not all too far either. There was a little bit of worry etched on his face, but not nearly enough for me to feel touched by it given the nature of our relationship. Or our past relationship.

Mr. Nam came rushing over to my side and immediately pulled a yellow card out of his small pocket. Obviously that one was meant for Choi Yuna. Good, I thought. She deserved that one.

‘’A yellow card?’’ Daehyun let out in disbelief. ’’C’mon ref, isn’t that a bit much? Look at her! She looks totally fine!’’ He pointed at my direction, but he didn’t look at me. Not once. My jaw dropped open in astonishment. Things had been bad ever since two weeks ago, sure, but surely he couldn’t be this insensitive towards me?

‘’What do you mean fine?!’’ Jin exclaimed in my defense. ‘’She pushed her to the ground and she hurt her arm! That’s an offense! Yuna deserves the yellow card. Besides, it’s only a yellow card; it’s not like she’s out of the game.’’

‘’I don’t recall anyone asking you anything Kim Seokjin,’’ Daehyun glared. I nervously chewed on my bottom lip. He had used Jin’s full name; nobody used Jin’s full name. The hostility in Daehyun’s voice hadn’t gone by unnoticed either. It made me realize that I had never seen Daehyun behave like this before.

Jin let out a loud scoff before he stepped closer to him and for a moment I thought they were going to go at each other’s throats. ‘’No, nobody was asking you anything Jung Daehyun.’’

‘’What did you sa—‘’

‘’Boys, boys!’’ Mr. Nam warily wriggled himself in between them. ‘’Tone it down on the animosity! Please! For God’s sake, it’s just a game! Yuna gets a yellow card and that’s that. Don’t let this happen again.’’ Yuna sheepishly came to stare at her own two feet. Not for one moment had she looked at me. Not straight in the eye at least.

‘’But Mr. Nam!’’ Daehyun tried again. His anger was clearly audible in his voice, but the same applied to Mr. Nam.

‘’I said enough Jung Daehyun!’’ Mr. Nam heaved a sigh and smoothed his polo shirt in clear annoyance. ‘’Now, let’s continue the match shall we? I’m not going back on the card, so drop it.’’ Then he turned to me: ‘’Are you alright Park Aerin? Can you continue?’’

‘’Actually...’’ I brought out weakly, ‘’...can our substitute player come in now?’’ I didn’t care for the game anymore. A win, a loss, what did it matter? I had already lost in every way. Mr. Nam nodded before he gestured for Ahn Heeyeon to play the remaining three minutes of the first half. I sat myself on the sidelines, trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe Jung Daehyun. And to make matters worse, I didn’t feel alright. Not physically but now not emotionally either.

Moments later, Mr. Nam blew on his whistle and thus signaled the end of the first half, granting both teams their well-deserved break. It was still as much of an intense match as it had been before, but this time the white team managed to lead by one goal. Most of the players headed for the made up table with refreshments. Daehyun and Yuna did so too. But not Jin.

Jin was headed towards me.

‘’You sure you’re alright Aerin?’’ He asked as soon as he sat himself next to me on the grass. He crossed his legs and looked at my arm in worry. I was about to open my mouth to answer him, but he silenced me for he carefully touched my arm. It hurt a little so I had to press my lips together, but I didn’t let out a sound. In his very own way, Jin was being considerate of me. He had been the entire day; way more considerate than someone I shouldn’t even be thinking about. Upon that thought I found myself automatically looking for him at the set up tables. He stood there. A bored and unimpressed look on his face. He had been looking into our direction and I immediately looked away.

‘’Want me to get you some water?’’ Jin offered with his signature smile.

I shook my head. ‘’No. You should rest and get a drink for yourself. You’re up next and we want to win remember?’’

‘’You’re right,’’ he laughed. There was a small pause of three seconds before he asked: ‘’Will you cheer for me from the sides?’’ I watched him hesitantly, not quite sure what to make of his request and he must’ve figured that out because he quickly added: ‘’As a friend?’’

‘’Sure,’’ I told him ultimately. He stood up, a wide smile still gracing his features. He ruffled my hair and walked towards the tables with refreshments. I watched his back as he retreated, but my eyes automatically flickered to Daehyun again and I could’ve sworn that I saw him glaring at me. But before I could even think it through I heard the sound of the whistle. The game was starting again. Jin took a few quick gulps from his water and nearly threw it off the table as he rushed back to the field.

The second half of the game was even more thrilling than the first one. Because of a goal made by Park Insoo we managed to tie again; it was now 3 – 3. The pressure to win penetrated both teams and it was therefore that the game started to look more and more like a battlefield. Various players had already received yellow cards for foul play and I was glad that I wasn’t part of the game – or at least not anymore. More students had joined the audience to watch too. Among those students I spotted Lee Suji. She must’ve heard how intense the finale was. I figured that must’ve motivated her to come watch; she loved misery and drama.

Ten minutes before the end of the game, Lee Suji got the drama she probably had wanted all along.

Jin and Daehyun had been passionately fighting for dominance over the ball. They were going at it in front of the white team’s goal and I honestly had no clue what Daehyun was doing there given that he was a striker. Besides him there was only one defender; a girl who looked too afraid to do what she needed to do, which was defend. I was cheering loudly for Jin, just like I promised I would. If he could only manage to take the ball from Daehyun and score we would lead and if we could manage to keep that lead up for nine more minutes we would win. The way they were going at each other for the ball, looked very similar to the scenario that made me fall to the ground earlier. Therefore, I couldn’t be surprised when both of them fell to the ground. It was nobody’s fault. Not that I could see. Apparently not that the referee could see either, because Mr. Nam didn’t blow his whistle to call out an offense.

Still that didn’t stop Daehyun from exploding all a sudden. The one moment he stood grumpily to his feet, the next he ruthlessly pushed Jin away from him. Even from my distance, I could tell that Jin was taken aback by Daehyun’s behavior. Nevertheless, Jin did not walk away from Daehyun and instead of walking away and letting the referee handle it, he pushed Daehyun back. Hard. 

‘’What the is your problem, Jung Daehyun?’’ I could faintly hear Jin hiss. Daehyun said something back, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was. I didn’t have to though; it was clear that they were ready to fight each other. Daehyun pushed Jin again; this time even harder than he had done before. Jin stumbled backwards, almost tripping over. From there on the two of them kept shoving each other, until Daehyun was the one to actually swing his fist at Jin.

And everything happened really fast from there.

Jin fought Daehyun back and before I knew it both of them were rolling over the ground, throwing punches at each other for God knows what reason. The sight made me stand up in shock and my feet began moving on their own. Before I could truly grasp what I was doing, I found myself dashing to their part of the field along with all the other players. ‘’What has gotten into you two!’’ I heard Mr. Nam yell as he tried to come in between them again. This time he couldn’t do it so easily though. Both Jin and Daehyun were determined to hurt each other. Players of both teams were hopelessly standing around the two, urging them to stop fighting, but nobody wanted to jump in-between them.

Except for me.

‘’Oh my God! Jin! Daehyun! Stop it!’’ I screamed as I tried to come in-between. Mr. Nam held me back almost immediately however and maybe that was for the best, because I certainly didn't want to be caught in the middle of their fit. Heck, I could get hurt too.

At some point another teacher came to help. It was Mr. Choi; Daehyun’s PE teacher. The two teachers managed to break the boys up and Mr. Nam held Jin while Mr. Choi tightly held onto Daehyun. It was only then that the two of them seemed to calm down. Jin wiped some of the blood from his cheek and Daehyun his swolen lip in order to get rid of the blood from there.

I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding and stared at Mr. Nam. I had never seen him so furious before. ‘’Do you want to end this year on this note?! Fighting in front of everybody?!’’ Although it was both Jin and Daehyun fighting, it was Daehyun Mr. Nam’s speech was directed at. I suppose, technically, it was Daehyun who started it all with his push, but it still wasn’t fair how the speech only felt directed to him. Both were at fault. Mr. Nam didn’t care about favoritism though. He pulled a red card out of his pocket and nearly threw it in Daehyun's face. Daehyun didn’t even protest to the card, all he did was curse to himself before he left the field without a word directed to anyone. Mr. Choi ran after him.

The audience was completely silent, but then they madly started whispering to each other, their eyes darting between a dumbfounded Jin and a retreating Daehyun. Nobody understood what had happened – me included. I took a deep breath. I knew that guys were rather passionate about sports, but this was just too much. Mr. Nam’s hand went through his hair in frustration and for a moment he seemed unsure of whether he should continue the game. There were only five minutes left to play and in the end he decided that those five minutes were worth playing, because he blew his whistle and signaled for both teams to continue the match as if nothing had ever happened.

It didn’t take long for our team to score.

And it came to no one’s surprise that we won.

‘’Well, well…’’ Chaerin said as she pushed her sunglasses onto the top of her head with an amused grin, ‘’….this must’ve been the most thrilling finale in the history of our high school’s sports event! I think I suddenly started liking soccer a whole lot more!’’

I rolled my eyes. Of course Chaerin had enjoyed that finale; there had been more drama than a soap opera. ‘’It wasn’t funny Chae,’’ I told her with a huge sigh. I rubbed my face, realizing that I was very tired of everything, but especially this day. I was glad it was all over with. Most students were already eagerly heading for their homes and I honestly couldn’t wait to join them.

‘’No, no. You’re right. It wasn’t funny.’’ She said it and yet there she was: laughing. I gave her an unimpressed look and she was quick to defend herself: ‘’Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be laughing. It’s just… God… sweet Yuna basically tackling you. Jin and Daehyun fighting each other like maniacs. The entire thing was just so overdramatic!’’

‘’I’m glad to know that you find me being tackled so amusing. Thank you Chae. Thanks a lot.’’ I suppressed the urge to whack her head, but in the end it was quite easy not to given that my arm was still somewhat hurt.

‘’Oh it sure was amusing!’’ I watched her as she mindlessly got her phone out of her pocket, checked it and eagerly started typing away some sort of message. She was back at doing her thing again; the thing in which she was completely absorbed in her phone. If such moments occured she would always forgot about my presence. Bored, I found myself looking past her.

And that’s when I spotted Daehyun.

I had expected him to be long gone given how pissed off he had been during the match, but I saw him walking towards one of the cottages. Chaerin had turned her attention to me again. With a frown, she turned her head and tried to see what I was so intently looking at. Soon her eyes landed on Daehyun’s back view too. When I noticed that she caught me staring at him I quickly looked away. Unfortunately, Chaerin had already noticed.

‘’You know…’’ she started out hesitantly and certainly more serious than she had been moments ago, ‘’…if you want to talk to him, now is your only chance.’’

‘’What?’’ I asked her with a dumb look on my face. I knew perfectly well what she meant. She wasn’t stuttering. It was just that I was conflicted about talking to Daehyun. On the one hand I had promised myself to forget about him; I had even done everything to accomplish that. Besides that, he had acted like a complete to me, and everyone else, today. But on the other hand, there was this tiny thing, this tiny but strong feeling inside of me that wanted to make things right. Or at least hoped that we could make things right. Perhaps it was my naïve side shining through, but naïve or not it was the part of me that was slowly and surely winning dominance.

‘’Go talk to Jung Daehyun. I know you have things to say to him.’’

‘’B- but I thought we were going home together,’’ I protested lamely.

Chaerin shook her head, as if she was saying to herself; same old Park Aerin. ‘’Yongguk is right there. We were about to go out,’’ she pointed towards a black car parked in the distance. It was for a fact Yongguk’s car. He was right there to pick her up. I smiled knowing that they were apparently fine. I suppose that they resolved their issues – whatever those might’ve been in the first place.

‘’So you were going to ditch me anyway?’’

‘’I thought Jea was going to stick around for you, I didn’t know she had to meet her dad! But that’s beside the point. You need to talk to Jung Daehyun. He clearly has things… bottled up. And you too! So don’t just stand there and go while he’s still here somewhere! Text me later how it went?’’ She didn’t even give me the chance to protest, because without another word she quickened her speed and stalked away – towards Yongguk. The last thing she did was to give me a small wave and I heaved a huge sigh as I realize that she did for a fact ditch me. There was nothing left for me to do though. I could’ve ignored Chaerin’s advice and gone home too, but in the end of the day she was right; now was my only chance to talk to him.

I felt nervous just walking in the direction he had gone to. I didn’t even know what I was supposed to say or how to start, but I figured I would figure it out along the way. I headed for the cottage I thought I saw Daehyun disappear in. I didn’t even reach it or I could see him come out already. There was an annoyed look on his face as he threw his sports bag over his shoulder. He hadn’t taken notice of me yet so I stepped closer. Just when I was about to call his name so that he would look up ahead and look at me, I spotted Yuna coming out of the cottage too. She trailed after Daehyun until both of them stopped in their tracks, their eyes landing on me.

‘’Oh Aerin,’’ Yuna said flatly and definitely less chirpy than she normally did. Something was off between us. I don’t know what it was, but all I knew was that she had no right to act the way she did towards me. I didn’t do her wrong. If anything, she had done me wrong. She had kissed the guy I loved. She had tackled me on the field for no apparent reason. I needed to be the one speaking flat to her.

Daehyun didn’t say a word. I looked up at him and watched how he crossed his arms. The uninterested sight of him made me quickly lose my resolve and for a moment I wasn’t entirely sure what I was to do now that Yuna was here with him. I had expected Daehyun to be somewhat happy with me being here, but all he did was looking troubled. Like he didn’t know what to think. Like he didn’t know what he wanted. Me or Choi Yuna.

‘’Is there something you wanted to say? To me…’’ Yuna’s eyes glanced over to Daehyun, ‘’… or to Dae?’’

Dae. The affectionate nickname made me want to gag in the nearest bush. I hated how she talked for him. Like he couldn’t say something himself. I wasn’t here for her, but she made this all about her nonetheless. I managed to smile the fakest small smile I could make, not entirely sure what else to do. I didn’t know what to say. The way Choi Yuna was expectantly looking at me and the way Daehyun did absolutely nothing but to blankly stare at me, made me feel more stupid than ever. Suddenly I didn’t want to go through with this anymore. Jung Daehyun didn’t want me nor my apologies. He probably wanted what was right there next to him.

Choi Yuna.

The same Choi Yuna he had defended when I had been the one in pain.

I want to talk to Daehyun alone, I wanted to say at first. I wanted to say it and be brave for once. But I waited seconds too long and in that moment all the words managed to fail me. Whatever I had wanted to say, it just felt too late. My split second of potential bravery washed itself away immediately and all that remained was the same old Park Aerin. The Park Aerin that was too afraid to speak her mind. The Park Aerin that was too afraid to do anything whenever it came to Jung Daehyun.

‘’I… it’s nothing,’’ my voice trailed off defeated. Daehyun rubbed his face tiredly and the look he gave me along with that told it all. Right in that moment he was giving up on me. He was giving up on whatever was left of us. I realized that we weren’t going to work this out. There is so much the two of us could’ve done for us to happen. He could’ve asked Yuna to give us a moment, because surely she would listen to him. He knew that. We both knew that. I could’ve asked Yuna to give us a moment. But I didn’t. Why didn’t I? Why did I feel like there was no point?

Why was I so afraid to fight for him?

Yuna shrugged almost too carelessly, cleverly reminding me that time didn’t stand still for my thoughts to sort themselves out. Time went by; second after second. In fact, time even continued to go on while Daehyun gave me one last look; one in which he obviously urged me to do or say something.

But I couldn’t. And I didn’t.

I didn’t and in turn I didn’t miss the look of disappointment painted on his beautiful face. He the ball of his foot and finally walked away, leaving both Yuna and me standing in that grass field, near the cottages. It felt like the air was out of my lungs and I couldn’t breathe for a moment. He was walking away.

‘’I’m sorry for what happened during the match Aerin.’’ Yuna said suddenly. She said it, but to me she didn’t seem sorry. Not really. She cocked her head and looked in Daehyun’s direction, then she gave me this half assed smile and soon went after him, leaving me to stand all alone. In a funny way this more or less defined all three of us: Choi Yuna always chasing Daehyun. Park Aerin standing very much still in her spot.

I wasn’t chasing Daehyun. I had never done so. And now Daehyun wasn’t chasing me.

At least not anymore.

I took a deep breath as the painful realization finally struck me.

Jung Daehyun had ed up. I had ed up.

And now Jung Daehyun and I were over.

They say that if you love something, you have to set it free.

And whether it was knowingly or not and whether I truly wanted to or not, that is exactly what I did.

______________________________

#HappyDamchuDay  #itsBaeDaeday