Chapter 1 - We are girls

It was quite ironic how we even got here, because at that point I failed to remember how all of this messiness started in the first place. How we started. Without actually intending to do so, my eyes settled on his and I noticed him looking at me in a manner that other would define as hopeless. It was weird that at the exact same time his eyes still managed to keep their original fierceness too. As if he was looking right through my soul, determinedly searching for something. It was a look that made me feel more self-conscious than it had ever done. Everything was different now. We were different now. And as I allowed that fact to sink in, I couldn’t help to think about how severely afraid I was, and always had been, of this particular confrontation. I didn’t want to tell him how upset I was with him. The coward within me didn’t want that honesty between us, because if I were admitting my feelings out loud that meant that I would become vulnerable and the chances of me hurting in that state were surely greater. Ultimately the truth was probably going to be more painful than it was ever going to set me free. However the not-so-cowardly part of me did want this honesty; because if everything would be all said and done I could, possibly, end his chapter in my life and move past all of this. Past all of those insecurities bottling up inside of me – because of him. Past all the hatred and immature jealousy I felt towards this one person who didn’t deserve one bit of it – because of him. Past me not really recognizing myself anymore, which was more or less the worst. I managed to trail my eyes away from his. With that, my eyes fixated on the bike stalls yet again. That’s when it hit me; that’s when I did remember how all of this had started.

It had started with that goddamn bike.

‘’So…'' Chaerin trailed in-between quick sips of orange juice, ''…care to tell why you travel to school by bicycle all of a sudden?’’ Her brows were slightly furrowed and for some reason she didn't seem particularly happy about the announcement I just made. I had casually introduced the topic of being awfully sick and tired of the always crowded morning bus and along with that I had also brought up that, as of this day, I had decided to cycle to school. It was the perfect solution to my small yet important problem, but apparently for some reason I couldn’t quite put my finger on, Chaerin didn’t seem to agree with me. 

It was a usual school day, and we were having a usual lunch during an ever usual lunch time. We were seated in our usual spot, one that we had claimed as ours ever since we started high school one and half year ago. Chaerin had this thing for watching people and with that came her search for the perfect spot for her to execute this specific hobby of hers. It therefore wasn’t surprising that our usual spot could be found in the corner nearby the big window. After all, it did give a good view of the school's garden and more importantly, it had a great view on our school’s canteen. Back then I hadn’t cared about spots and frankly, I still didn't care about any of that at the current day. I was satisfied enough with the spot because apparently Chaerin was. Jea hadn't mind the spot either. Again, I didn't care.

For a moment I did nothing but to stare at how Chaerin’s prettily painted fingers made extra sure that the cap of her juice bottle was closed. It was only until she gave me that so-are-you-answering-or-not look, that I realized that she had asked me a question she actually expected me to answer. I shrugged casually and turned my head slightly in order to have a better look at Kim Chaerin's face. When our eyes met again, I gave her this certain look in response; one that should have told her that she was crazy for judging my decision of cycling to school. “I just told you how much I hate that bus. And on top of that, cycling is for a fact healthier and cheaper. Besides, not everyone has the luxury of owning a car because daddy can afford one.’’ 

She looked at me as if she was offended – something, due to our years of friendship, I knew she was only feigning – and then playfully shook her head in disapproval of my just spoken comment. She folded her arms and casually laid them on the obsolete table before saying: ‘’If you were truly concerned about your health Park Aerin you wouldn’t spend almost all of your afternoons and evenings watching dramas and anime’s with unhealthy snacks. In fact, you would be spending your afternoon with me,’’ she paused for a bit, clearly unsure of whether she should say what she intended, before she added confidently: ‘’shopping with me that is.’’

She obviously decided to ignore my statement about her luxury. It wasn’t like Kim Chaerin was filthy rich or anything. Still, she was more well off than the average Korean teenage citizen was. Her father worked days – and nights – as an accountant in this big shot company. He was a hard worker, earned quite a lot of money and was thus barely home. As a compromise of his absence he made sure to give his two daughters whatever they wanted, but what he ultimately failed to understand was that both Chaerin and Yejin had always wanted him rather than all the money he made and handed out. Chaerin’s mother on the other hand didn’t make a extremely big amount of money. She worked as an elementary teacher – just like mine did – and could therefore afford to be around her two daughters more than their father could. In that sense, I suppose her parents complemented each other perfectly. All in all, nobody could argue that Chaerin wasn’t living a good life. Many students in this school, I had noted, were on somewhat of the same level as Chaerin was. Some were even better off. I suppose that I had always been pretty average, but still I had nothing to complain about at all.

Life was peaceful and decent. And it could’ve been a lot worse.

I came to laugh Chaerin’s comment off, partly because she was right about me being unhealthy and partly because she almost made it seem like I was neglecting her – which I wasn't. Besides I wasn’t that fond of shopping. Or I was, but just online and without Chaerin; she could look at all the little things for hours. It would ultimately become quite annoying. ''You’re overreacting, Chae. You know, I can come over this afternoon instead?’’

She didn't answer immediately and instead allowed a silence to fall upon us, acting as if she was deeply pondering over my offer. I couldn’t help but to roll my eyes at her dramatic antics. Awaiting some sort of answer, I allowed my eyes to trail towards the empty seat beside Chaerin and I immediately came to wonder why it was empty in the first place. ‘’By the way, do you know what is taking Jea so l—‘’

I didn’t bother to finishing my sentence once I took notice of Chaerin’s eyes averting to the entry of the canteen. Sighing, I realized that I didn’t have her attention and that only meant that she barely listened to the question I had wanted to ask seconds earlier. The way she suddenly stared so intently, made me think that she had taken notice of Jea entering somewhere, yet I couldn’t spot the said girl once I followed Chaerin’s line of vision. A frown was naturally displayed on my features as I watched how Chaerin’s eyes narrow ever so slightly. Completely absorbed in her own little world in which she observed people, she kept her gaze fixated on something as she absent-mindedly poked in her food with her chopstick. I stared at her full plate before I briefly watched my nearly empty one. Kim Chaerin was such a slow eater.

It was rather hard to pinpoint what, or who, Chaerin was exactly looking at and my patience was running out a little too. So in somewhat of confusion I asked her: ‘’what it is that caught your interest now?’’

Chaerin was still very much focused on the individual she had set her eyes on, but managed to squeeze out a name nonetheless. She had done so without sparing me a glance: ‘’Choi Yuna.’’ My frown deepened and I watched as Chaerin snapped out of whatever it was that she was doing. ‘’Have I already told you that she's my partner for the upcoming duo assignment? You know that one assignment every class has when the other is finished. Needless to say that it is ours class’ turn now.’’ Chaerin finally looked at me as those words left and I shook my head slightly as I was also reminded what a weird kid she was.

‘’Nope, you didn’t tell me,’’ I replied before stuffing my mouth with the little remaining food on my plate left. I praised myself lucky that my class wasn’t up for the assignment yet. Only half interested I asked: ‘’what is the subject for your class’ assignment?’’

Yet another random silence came to hang over us. I didn’t mind them. In fact, I had gotten long used to them. Silences caused by Chaerin were peaceful. It meant that she was thinking, only because she herself often didn’t quite know what she had been talking about or was asked about. I spotted a trail of slight confusion as she pondered over my relatively simple question. The expression told me that she had no idea what the assignment required of her. ‘’Uh… honestly I don’t even know. That's why I hope she is smart enough for the both of us. I wasn’t planning on becoming her partner but Mrs. Kwon had insisted in switching things up.’’ Chaerin sighed and took an even better look at Choi Yuna. Then, it seemed like she realized something and while she did, she soon took back her earlier statement as she muttered: ‘’Actually, I hope she’s not that smart.’’

‘’Why is that?’’ I asked genuinely surprised. Any normal person would want a smart partner.

‘’Obviously because she is already very good looking. You know, if she were to be smart on top of that then that just wouldn’t be fair. Besides she could become competition too. I can’t have that, since I’m not that smart.’’

This time I allowed a brief silence to fill the air. But then I bursted out in laughter. The thing with Kim Chaerin is that statements such as these always had some kind of truth to it. Despite having her silences in which she actually thinks, she has more moments in which she doesn’t think at all. I have known Kim Chaerin as a very straightforward person. More often than not, she just says what comes to mind without thinking it through. Afterwards, she would laugh and address her statement as a joke, but that didn’t mean that she hadn’t meant what she said.

It was this twisted truth that made me take a good look at Choi Yuna. It was something I hadn’t really done before, simply because I didn’t specifically care for strangers. But as I came to watch her, I immediately noted how very right Chaerin was. She was indeed very pretty – something that made me feel self-conscious right away. I knew I wasn’t ugly. In fact, I was pretty average. I had always convinced myself so. What I hated the most about my appearances was the fact that I looked quite plain. I almost never wore make up and I just didn’t feel like putting extra care in dressing myself up. I didn’t bother with jewelry. I liked wearing loose oversized t-shirts with a skinny jeans and my pair of red Nike Air Blazers. My style was pretty simple. Chaerin on the other hand was a girly beauty. She knew perfectly well what fitted her the most and made her look feminine. It often made me feel lacking compared to her. All eyes had always been on her. All of the male's eyes had always been on her. The fact that she was so easy going made her appeal to a lot of people too. Kim Chaerin was not only pretty, she also had real character.

Chaerin always stated that I was overreacting when I mentioned my concerns about my looks to her. She would say that I was very pretty, only I didn’t put enough of my focus into it. Sternly, she had told me that if I had truly wanted to be pretty I should’ve put more care into it – like she did. Honestly I was rather lazy, so dressing up every day wasn’t really an option. It was weird; I wanted to be as pretty as her or any other girl, but without actually putting the time and effort into it. For once, I wanted guys to look back at me too, but on the same time I didn’t feel like changing myself to accomplish that. Wasn’t a natural beauty what guys would fall for anyway? Nevertheless, I couldn’t really see myself the way she described me. As very pretty that is. Besides, best friends have to tell you that you’re pretty. It is to make you feel good about yourself. It is what best friends are partly for.

Automatically, I glanced over at Choi Yuna again. I noted that she gave of the same feeling as Chaerin did; their appearances had the same effect on people. Yuna’s long wavy hair fell gracefully upon her shoulders before she took a seat at a table with four other girls. Her wardrobe consisted of basic pieces of clothing and yet she seemed more dashing than any other girl walking by.

‘’Well, you’re fun to be with…’’ I tried to shrug casually, ‘’…who knows, maybe Choi Yuna is incredibly dull or something? I doubt that she’s competition, whatever that may mean in the first place.’’ The moment those words left my lips, I wondered why I said them in the first place. It wasn’t to reassure Chaerin, because obviously she had been half joking about the entire thing. Moreover, Chaerin didn’t specificaly need such an assurance from me. I suppose that I needed to make myself feel better in a way.

If that even made sense.

Chaerin gave me this satisfied smile in return. It could only mean that she was somewhat happy to hear that she was apparently a worthy rival of Choi Yuna. It was ridiculous, really. I shook my head playfully, allowing Choi Yuna to leave my thoughts on the same time. After that, Chaerin and I continued to chit chat about nothing in particular. It lasted for a while before she, too, came to wonder where Jea was: ‘’where is Jea by the way?’’

I rolled my eyes at the familiar sounding question. I had just asked her that exact same question a couple of minutes ago. ‘’Maybe in the library?’’ I tried unsurely.

Chaerin raised a charming eyebrow. ‘’Why is she there every lunch break? Honestly, I think she wants to friend break up with us.’’ A chuckle could be heard from her before she took her phone out of her pocket and placed it on the table, the screen facing up. She looked at the device briefly, typed something and then shifted her attention back to me again.

I shrugged. ‘’I’m not sure. She told me her grades were gradually dropping, so maybe it got something to do with that? Or maybe she just needs space since… uh you know... the situation with her mother. I don’t know, maybe she is taking it in harder than she makes it seem?’’

Chaerin seemed deep in thought about this rather logical explanation of mine. Then while she lifted both her shoulder nonchalantly she said: ‘’well, I guess that could be it. She better not forget that we’re staying over on Friday though. Otherwise I will make her fear greater things than getting bad grades.’’ 

The bell rang the exact same moment Chaerin succeeded to finish her sentence. The sound signaled the end of our break, the beginning of our classes and thus our parting. Chaerin stood up immediately and I followed her example, all the while wondering why she was so fast all of a sudden. I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder and I watched Chaerin do the same. Then, we grabbed our plates and mindlessly strolled towards the spot where we were ought to dispose of them.

‘’I’m really disappointed though,’’ Chaerin muttered once we walked towards the exit of the canteen. I looked at her, a frown gracing my expression, as I communicated that she should continue to speak. With a faint smile she continued: ‘’seriously, if you came with the bus instead of that stupid bike we could’ve gone to the mall straight out of school together! I don’t even feel like going anymore. Asking Jea isn’t really an option either.’’

I laughed at the ridiculous allegation Chaerin made. ‘’I never agreed to join you to the mall in the first place Chaerin. But since I am such a good friend I guess that we can still go? I would do that for you, you know? As the sweet caring person I am. We can take my bike? I can even carry you? What about that huh?’’ I batted my eyelashes innocently, already being able to predict her answer; no way would she leave her car behind so that I could give her a ride on something she would label as a stupid bike.

‘’Carry me? Park Aerin, you must be joking. Do you know how unflattering that would look on me? I'm wearing a skirt! And what if I see Yo- some hot boys on our way up there?’’ She shook her head in disapproval, though she also had trouble to stop her smile from showing. Kim Chaerin always acted dramatic for the fun of it. It was just who she was.

‘’Shouldn’t you be working on your assignment anyway. You know, maybe follow Jea in her footsteps with being serious about school?’’

Chaerin glared at me playfully. ‘’Yeah well for what it's worth; you’re still the worst for abandoning me and that has nothing to do with following Jea’s footsteps.’’

We were now at a point where we had to part ways. I was going to my locker and I figured that she was about to go to hers. Lunch time was around the only time I actually saw Chaerin in school. Our classes were rarely in the same wing and our lockers were miles apart. I shook my head for what I believe was the nth time that day. Kim Chaerin was dramatic and not to mention crazy. It was in a good way though. It was refreshing and brought change in my life I couldn’t possibly get elsewhere. I was about to turn around and step away until I heard the crazy girl call after me. I had yet to move from the place she left me standing laughing at her drama queen behavior, but instead of stepping away I simply turned around so that we were in each other's vision again.

‘’But you... are coming in the evening right, around 7:00 PM? We can watch whatever you want and I could buy us ice cream. My mother and especially Yejin are asking about you. It’s driving me nuts.’’ I simply smiled. At moments like this I realized how good it is to have a best friend like Kim Chaerin.

‘’Of course I’ll come. On the bike that is.’’ I also realized how nice it was to have a friend like Jea, because she was very down to earth about a lot of things. Like this for example; this quality time of Chaerin and me. It was something Jea already knew of, understood and accepted. Just like I would accept that Jea and Chaerin would have their quality times too. From time to time I would spend time with Jea and sometimes – mostly on Fridays, but sometimes on Saturdays too – we would have a slumber party with all the three of us. Needless to say that those were the most fun.

Chaerin rolled her eyes, something I had already expected her to do. ‘’Okay, do whatever you want,’’ she said before she walked off. The last thing I got from her was a small wave and then she couldn’t be spotted among the crowd anymore. I my heel and headed to class. I got my phone out of my pocket while I did so and as I scrolled through Facebook, I realized how funny it was that I didn’t really know any of the people on my newsfeed. They were mostly my peers. We simply added each other because we knew each other by face and sometimes even by name. Most of the time it were those people who added me. I simply accepted. For a split second I came to wonder how they even found my profile in the first place. It was a mystery I solved only seconds later as my eyes ultimately fell on the friends’ suggestions list.

The first name on the list was Jung Daehyun. I knew of him. I believe that the majority of my peers knew about him too. He was in Jea's class. From what I had heard – and I heard very little – he was quite the popular guy. However I didn’t personally know Jung Daehyun. I had never spoken to him and on top of that we didn’t share one class together. I caught glimpses of him from time to time, sure. But all in all, even though we were in the same school, I barely saw him.

It was a big school.

I placed my phone back into my jeans pocket without another thought wasted on Jung Daehyun.

Back then, I was oblivious to what fate had in store for me. 

And him.

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