Chapter 18 -My heart will go on

Daehyun: Exactly

Aerin: Except... when you are being an sometimes of course

Daehyun: What, I'm not an ?

Daehyun: You’re breaking my heart here, Aerin

Aerin: You are an sometimes!

Daehyun: Like when?

Aerin: Like... when you loudly announced that I should put on my heels again, because according to you, you could smell my feet

Daehyun:  Huh? When did I say that?

Aerin: During Seokjin's party

Daehyun: I don't remember saying that...

Daehyun: Did I really say that?

Aerin: Yes you did

Daehyun: Oh, I'm sorry

Daehyun: I was probably drunk

Daehyun: I’m sorry for being an back then, Aerin

I lay on my bed, quite flustered because of this sudden nice side of him that I hadn’t really seen, except for the very few times I had met him two months ago. I stared at his apology and reread it. I was not sure what to reply. My phone buzzed, signaling that Daehyun was saying something else already.

Daehyun: Can you forgive me?

Aerin: You have to work a little harder for that

Daehyun: Don't be like that Aerin

Aerin: Lol

Daehyun: What do I have to do earn your forgiveness?

Aerin: Nothing. You are forgiven

Daehyun: That was easy

Aerin: I'm quite easy

Daehyun: That's good to know ^^

Aerin: Not in that way...

Daehyun: Hahaha

Time seemed to be flying when I spoke to Jung Daehyun. We talked about daily basis things such as school and funny happenings that had occurred, nothing too fancy or special. But yet, it felt good to casually talk to him like this. He would make me smile when he would send me funny memes and it was at these moments that I couldn’t suppress my laugh which I should if I didn’t want my mom to barge in, asking me what was up with me. Somehow all that laughter made me feel all sort of fuzzy feelings I couldn’t explain. We were so engrossed in talking and joking that I hadn’t noticed that it was 1:24 AM. That was definitely late since tomorrow would be a normal early school day. I always slept before twelve, but somehow I wasn’t even tired. In fact, I felt bright. Brighter than I had ever felt during this hour.

Daehyun: It’s 1:25, what are you doing?

Aerin: Lying in bed, talking to you

Aerin: What are you doing?

Daehyun: What are you wearing?

Aerin: Daehyun...

Daehyun:  I'm kidding, I'm talking to you

Daehyun: And some other people

Daehyun: And watching television

Other people, must’ve meant other girls. And somehow the thought of him talking to other girls at this hour, such as that Kim Jinah and probably even Yuna inflicted my bright mood. I know it was silly, and knowing that, I realized that I was perhaps growing a little too fond of Daehyun. Still, I couldn’t help it. There was this feeling that Daehyun was entangled with Yuna and therefore I wasn’t supposed to become attached to him. Not becoming attached would be the best: for the sake of my own feelings and for the sake of Yuna’s. Even if I practically knew nothing about the two of them, except rumors – and a gnawing feeling.

Aerin: What is there to watch on the television during this hour?

Aerin: Except adult contented advertisements…

Daehyun: Hahaha you're thinking the worst of me

Aerin: No I don't

Daehyun: Yeah right, you hate me :(

Aerin: Lol, why would I hate you

If anything, It was the opposite

Daehyun: You always roll your eyes at me

Aerin: Yeah, because you keep making those remarks, jerk :)

Daehyun: I'm just joking Aerin 

Aerin: Hmm alright

Aerin: But I’m going to sleep, it’s quite late already

Aerin: I’m tired

Should I add talk to you later? Would I be talking to him later?

Daehyun: Alright talk to you later, sleep tight

Apparently we would.

‘’You look tired, we can do this another time if you want?’’

I glanced over the familiar, yet strange house that had looked so different during the night than it did now – in the day light. It was like I was visiting another house. I hadn’t noticed how modern yet cozy looking the interior had been. Probably because there wasn’t much to see because every room had been so crowded.

‘’No I’m fine, we need to do this now, otherwise we will get nowhere with this assignment,’’ I answered absent-mindedly, still paying attention to this house. I must admit though, he was right, I was tired. That chat session with Daehyun had tired me, especially since I wasn’t used to staying up that late when I had to rise early the following day.

Seokjin nodded before walking towards the kitchen. I awkwardly followed him, not sure whether he intend for me to do so.

‘’Do you want something to drink? Or eat?’’ He asked while eyeing the enormous fridge I also hadn’t noticed the other night.

‘’I’m guessing you don’t have dak bulgogi laying around somewhere, I’m craving that lately,’’ I joked while eyeing Seokjin who was still watching the content of his fridge intently. He was wearing a dark jeans with a simple black sweater with some little skulls on it. He turned around to look at me, apologetic, before shaking his head and opening his mouth.

‘’No, but if you really want to eat that we can go out and-‘’

‘’I’m just joking Seokjin, I’m fine,’’ I chuckled. He was actually taking my crazy demand seriously. Who in the world would?

He scratched the back of his head while a sheepish laugh appeared on his face. ‘’Call me Jin. Nobody calls me Seokjin, except my parents and my brother.’’ He had muttered the last part, but I heard it nonetheless. ‘’Do you want something to drink then?’’ He asked quickly after his mutter.

‘’I’m really fine… Jin.’’ I didn’t want to burden him in any way. I actually felt awkward enough being here. I was never fond of the idea of going to guys houses, but Seokjin - or Jin now - had insisted for me to come over. I had told him that we could both watch the movie separately and then meet in the library to work on the assignment, but Jin admitted that he wouldn’t be watching the movie if he wasn’t forced too. Which let us to meet up here to watch this movie together.

He shrugged before grabbing a can of Coke for himself and walking ahead of me. I followed him while looking around the house and eventually the, well known, stairs that led to the, well known, hallway upstairs. I wondered why we were upstairs when we could just easily watch the movie in the, big, living room. I mean, wouldn’t the people of this household get the wrong idea about me going upstairs with him? Besides, why watch upstairs when he had such an enormous television screen downstairs?

We stood at the hallway and I eyed the door that led to that certain room with the indoor balcony. It made me think about Daehyun and the fight I was having with Soojin. It had been over a week ago, but we still ignored each other as if we never had any ties. I wasn’t mad at her anymore, but apparently she was still mad at me.

I followed Jin, who walked in the opposite way of the room that triggered so many memories and events. The house was so big and cozily decorated and yet it felt somehow empty. I couldn’t really explain why the house felt like this. I guess it were the little things, such as how there didn’t seem to be any personal belongings like photographs for example. Which made me question: Did Jin live here alone or something? He had mentioned that he had parents and a brother but there was certainly no trace of them anywhere, for as far I could see. 

‘’Is there anybody home?’’ I asked him, still following after him. We stood at a door now and he opened it gesturing me to come in, which I did awkwardly, before he shook his head and scoffed. Had I asked about something sensitive?

‘’I… I mean if they were home, I should, you know properly greet them. To be polite,’’ I laughed nervously while tugging a strand of hair behind my ear.

‘’My parents are never home. That’s why I get to throw so many parties,’’ he laughed dryly, in order to convince me that he was joking. I didn’t buy it though, his smile seemed forced and moreover fake.

‘’Oh,’’ I said awkwardly. It was actually the only response coming to my mind at the time and it seemed so stupid, to just say a simple ‘oh’.

‘’my… my father is also never really home,’’ I tried to comfort in some sort of silly way. But I knew that although my father wasn’t home, at least I got to see him in the evening and mornings. Although my father wasn’t home there were actually traces of him on the wall. Jin didn’t seem to have those things and therefore my attempt to comfort him seemed stupid.

‘’He has his own convenience store nearby our school so he’s always working there. It’s not the same thing as your situation I assume… my father’s job isn’t of big importance such as that of your parents seems to be. You look kind of rich… that’s why I’m assuming that,’’ I rambled. Jin gave me this weird yet amused expression and I felt like I wasn’t making any sense.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m not really making sense,’’ I chuckled awkwardly. Jin started to laugh – loudly. Which surprised me.

‘’Whoa Aerin, it’s okay. No need to say what you just said. I’m fine, I got used to it anyway. I mean, they work their but off and therefore they aren’t home that much. In return I get to spend money without having to do any work for it. Plus I get to throw parties just to piss them off when they return. That’s what they get for being robotic working machines instead of real loving parents.’’ He was still laughing, but his words seemed saddening to me. And I guess it was doing the same thing to him.

‘’Well you’re quite popular for your parties,’’ I said awkwardly. It was a stupid remark that I came up with when I figured that a simple sorry wouldn’t cut it in this situation. Though this remark wasn’t cutting anything either. I guess that sometimes silence was the best during situations like these, but I was never comfortable with the idea of silence which is why I made such an awkward remark – again. Jin didn’t seem to mind it though.

‘’I guess,’’ he shrugged before motioning for me to sit down. It was only then that I looked at the room we were in. His room to be precise. It was enormous. It seemed like a combination of his bedroom and his own private living room. I figured that it was probably the reason why he wanted to watch the movie in here instead of the actual living room. He had motioned towards a couch that was in front of a huge television that hang on the wall. I stared at the whole room in awe, trying to progress that this was actually somebody’s bedroom.

‘’I’m planning on throwing one soon again by the way, you’ll come?’’ He drank from his coke while eyeing me, awaiting my response.

‘’What?’’ I asked absent-mindedly. Not knowing what he was talking about since I was still ogling his impressive room.

‘’A party, I’m going to throw one again very soon. You’ll come?’’

‘’I… uh, I don’t think so,’’ I answered before sitting down and searching my bag for the movie list form. All of this was just so awkward. Especially since we just shifted from a serious sensitive topic to the topic of a wild party as if it were nothing.

‘’Why not?’’

‘’Because I’m not the party type, I don’t really enjoy parties all too much,’’ I answered, still searching for that goddamn form.

‘’You seemed to be having a good time that time you were with Daehyun.’’

His response made me look up to him. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to be sarcastic with me or he actually meant what he was saying. I actually couldn’t tell in what kind of atmosphere we were in right now. A sad gloomy one? A light joking one?

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’Exactly what I’m saying, you looked like you were having a good time when I spotted you back then,’’ he shrugged. I guess he wasn’t being sarcastic. ‘’Anyway think about it. You’re always invited, if you change your mind.’’

I chuckled nervously. Everyone was invited at his parties, even I knew that much. I finally found the form and unfolded the paper before briefly scanning through the list.

Jin cheekily took it from my hands, scanning it himself. I guess the weird atmosphere was cleared now, much to my relief.

‘’I want to watch the Titanic, it’s one of the few foreign movies on this list and I haven’t seen it yet.’’

‘’You do realize that the Titanic is a romantic-‘’

‘’Don’t spoil!’’ Jin exclaimed while covering his ears. How childish, I thought while I chuckled – sincere this time.

‘’Have you seen it?’’ He asked.

‘’Only the beginning, I fell asleep during the movie.’’

‘’Was it that boring?’’ He looked surprised.

‘’No, but I was tired.’’

‘’Just like now?’’ He asked amused. He was right. I was - and looked - quite tired. Which made me think about Daehyun, whose fault this was, again. I knew however, that I wouldn’t possibly sleep on Jin’s couch so I would watch the whole movie anyway, fatigue or not.

‘’I’ll manage,’’ I answered eventually. Jin nodded before bending down to grab something from the television cabinet. It was a Titanic DVD, still wrapped.

‘’I had no say about the movie anyway. You were already set on it I see?’’ I was amazed that he actually bought it already. We could’ve easily downloaded it, which was definitely cheaper. But then I figured that Jin probably had enough money to not even think about options like that.

He grinned, as if I had caught him. Which made me laugh, in amazement, too. ‘’Well… yea the DVD comes with the subs,’’ he answered truthfully.

‘’Well start the movie then, because it’s a long one and at the time this movie is done it’s going to be…’’ I grabbed my phone and eyed the time, ‘’9:00 PM or something already.’’

He nodded before unwrapping the DVD and making his way over to the DVD player. While he was preparing the movie I eyed the KakaoTalk icon on my phone which indicated that I had a message. I noticed that I felt a little disappointed when I figured that it wasn’t from the person I wanted it to be from. Instead, it was just a message from Chaerin that was meant for Jea in our group chat. I gazed at Jin who was still trying to start the DVD. He turned his head to look at me when he was finally done.

‘’What is it?’’ He asked surprised when he caught me looking at him.

‘’Nothing… you’re just different than I imagined you would be,’’ I blurted by accident. It was true, Jin was definitely not what I expected him to be. I never imagined him having this image that - for me - didn’t seem to match his personality at all. He always seemed like this tough cool guy, but right now all of that seemed feigned.

‘’In a good way?’’ He asked, his grin growing.

‘’Yea, it’s in a good way,’’ I answered honestly.

He nodded, still with a grin, before pressing play. With that our conversation had ended and the movie had started.

Watching the Titanic wasn’t the most brilliant idea. That thought had been gnawing at the very beginning of Jin’s suggestion but he had seemed so eager in watching this movie that there was just no way for me to refuse. But right now, me on the verge of tears, I concluded that I shouldn’t have agreed on watching this movie. Or at least, not with him. I bit my lip, trying to hold in the tears that were pricking behind my eyelids. I looked at Jin, who had seem unfazed with the unfolding of the story.

‘’Well… that was tragic,’’ he said as the credits and Celine Dion’s ‘My heart will go on’ were playing. He looked at me and it made it more of a must to control the tears that threatened to fall. I was battling myself and therefore I didn’t answer him.

I wasn’t the type to cry easily, mostly because I liked to see myself as this tough girl and though there is nothing wrong with crying, it would make me feel weak and vulnerable. Crying in front of somebody else, a male classmate to be precise, wasn’t something I would like to do. Normally I wouldn’t even cry over a movie, I guess it indicated that I would have my period very soon. I tended to be more emotional and insecure when it was that time of the month.

‘’Aaaahw, Aerin are you okay?’’ His voice was a mixture of sympathy and teasing. I looked away, avoiding looking at him, before answering him with a sniff I hadn’t intended:’’I’m totally fine, it’s just a movie.’’

He chuckled and stood up, searching for the remote to turn the television off. I stood up awkwardly wondering how stupid I must look.

‘’So…’’ I trailed, still not looking at him, ‘’we should make another appointment. To actually work on this now that we have both seen it.’’ I slung my bag over my shoulder and followed Jin, who was leading me down stairs.

‘’Yeah we should,’’ he answered while yawning. I grabbed my phone and checked the time. It was quite late and it was time for me to get home.

‘’Hey, don’t you want something to eat? You haven’t eaten since you were here that’s quite some time already. I can call somebody to pick up something for us… I mean, you?’’ He scratched his head, eyeing me and awaiting a response. We were in the living room now and although his offer was very sweet and considerate I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wanted to lie in my bed right now.

‘’That’s really fine, I declined your offer in the first place. It’s not your fault that I haven’t eaten yet, don’t worry. Besides I’m not that hungry and it’s quite late and I have to catch my bus so I better be going,’’ I answered in almost one breath.

I heard the slamming of a door and that’s when an unfamiliar figure walked in. He looked very much like Jin, only very tired. Or at least, right now.

‘’Seokjin have you called Mrs. Jung to cook us dinner, I’m starving and tired and I-‘’ He yelled but stopped midsentence when he looked up from the IPad he was holding and noticed me.

‘’Oh… you have company and much less than you usually do.’’ I didn’t know what, I assumed his brother, meant but smiled sheepishly nonetheless. His brother didn’t seem that much older than Jin. The two looked quite similar, only Jin looked more casual. And somehow Jin felt like that too, Jin’s brother on the other hand seemed a little uptight. I know I wasn’t supposed to judge, especially since I have met the guy some seconds ago but somehow the atmosphere felt odd.

‘’Hi, I’m Park Aerin. I’m a classmate of Ji- Seokjin,’’ I introduced quite casual. It made me wonder if I came of as impolite, but it was too late to do something about it now anyway.

I was about to say that I would take my leave but Jin’s brother just brushed past me while nodding and mumbling something along the lines of ‘nice to meet you’. I heard the sounds of his feet climbing up the stairs and after some time there fell a complete silence. I looked at Jin, who had been quiet during the whole exchange. He seemed a little confused but shrugged it off when he opened his mouth to speak to me.

‘’About the bus… What about I give you a ride home? It’s quite inconvenient to travel with public transportation during this hour right?’’

I wanted to decline. I really did. I didn’t want to be a burden. But a ride from here to exactly my front door would’ve been nice. Besides it wouldn’t cost money and Jin was almost giving me this pleading look, as if he was insisting.

‘’Okay,’’ I nodded. Jin smiled before walking to his hallway and putting on his expensive Rick Owen sneakers. I was about to slip into my shoes and put on my coat when wondered if I should’ve say properly goodbye to his brother. That would mean that I have to go upstairs though.

‘’I think I have to say goodbye to your… household,’’ I said doubtfully.

‘’Don’t. He has already locked himself up in his room, so it’s just a waste of effort to go all the way upstairs. I’ll tell him you said goodbye.’’ Somehow I didn’t believe that Jin would say goodbye for me. Because the relationship between the two had seen rather distant, but what could I do? Jin obviously didn’t want me to go up and he was the one giving me a ride. The least I could do was obey his wishes. And so I nodded before I slipped into my black low Chuck Taylor’s and coat and followed Jin to his car.

The ride was a little awkward, so I was pleased it wasn’t going to be a long one. I had told Jin where I lived and in return he had nodded and set my address in his GPS. The only sound to be heard was the annoying voice of his GPS that told him to go left after 150 meters.

I wanted to speak, because I couldn’t stand this silence. But somehow I felt like it wasn’t appropriated to do so. Jin had seemed a little gloomy after that encounter with that guy I thought of as his brother.

‘’I won’t tell that you were fighting your tears because of a movie,’’ Jin suddenly spoke, much to my surprise. I had hoped that he hadn’t seen me struggling with my emotions, but apparently he had seen it. I played with a strand of hair, holding a lock between my thumb and index finger, acting like it was the most interesting thing.

Jin only laughed, most likely amused with my embarrassment.

‘’Come on, don’t be like that. I heard that a lot of people- I mean girls cry during that movie.’’

‘’I didn’t cry! I was about to… but I didn’t,’’ I said with a sincere laugh in my defense.

‘’Yeah, sure. Lies,’’ he sang playfully.

I gave him a playful push on the shoulder. My eyes widened when I realized that Jin was driving and that the skin ship hadn’t been necessary at all and besides quite dangerous. I wasn’t supposed to distract him.

Jin only smiled while looking ahead of him, watching the road.

‘’Thanks, for dropping me off,’’ I said while leaning a bit forwards so I could see him through the glass, sitting behind the steering wheel. He turned to look at me, his left hand still resting on the steering wheel, and smiled.

‘’No problem. I’ll contact you later so we can actually start this assignment. Good night Aerin.’’ It was the last thing he said before he drove off. I looked at the car that had vanished within seconds.

I realized something today: I had been wrong about Jin. There was so much more to him than I had thought.

Despite me thinking otherwise at first, Jin was definitely a nice person.