Chapter 44 - Things come. Things go.

It hurt. Thinking about all that has happened. All the events.

It hurt.

My bed squeaked as I shifted from one side to the other.  Again, when I repeated the movement sixty seconds later. I let out another sigh – I hadn’t done anything else for the entire time I had been lying there – and shifted in my position yet again: this time from my side to my back, my face straight below a dark ceiling that held no answers to my almost-every-night-misery.

So there I was yet again, quietly lying down and asking myself all kinds of things. I had done this a lot lately and for a moment I wondered whether I was the only person on the entire freaking planet to obsessively wonder about pointless things. The worst part was that I was wondering about things I couldn’t possibly find the fitting answer to. Silly things. Like for example, what it is about a person that makes other people want to care for them. Or what it is about a certain person that makes me care for them. But also, and perhaps more importantly, how it was possible for a person that once meant the world to me – the person I truly and genuinely loved – to be suddenly non-existent in my life.

Have you ever considered what it is that makes people enter and exit your life?

Honestly, I had never given it any real thought before. But now I do once so often. From time to time. Even with the amount of time that has passed, these questions manage to haunt my mind. It’s like a plague. And when it starts, I can’t make it stop: When exactly did Jung Daehyun come into my life? When did he start meaning so much? What was the exact moment he left? Was it the moment he caved in to perfect miss Choi Yuna? Or has it been even before that? Was it that day we yelled at each other in our school’s square? Or was it truly that instant I couldn’t bring myself to fight for us on that grass field?

There was no definite answer to all these pointless questions. There existed no clear timeline of my time with Jung Daehyun; no clear line indicating the moment Jung Daehyun and I ceased to exist as an entity. The awful truth is that I didn’t know when we desisted. And as time passed, I learned that it didn’t even truly matter. Not anymore. It happened. That’s all there really was to it.

Or maybe that was a big fat lie.

Maybe that’s what I wanted myself to believe. Maybe I wanted to satisfy myself into thinking that I didn’t truly know when things had gone so wrong for us. Maybe that way, I could blame everything on the unknown; on oblivion. On anything but myself, because if I really were to think about what happened I could take a pretty good guess. After all, Jung Daehyun and I didn’t just cease to exist. Not abruptly. It happened slowly. And it probably happened around the same time none of us bothered to apologize or just try. That time when the both of us just refused to talk about all the things bothering us. There had been instances in which I had truly wanted to be the one to make things right. I wanted to be the one to apologize first. I wanted him to know I was sorry; sorry for always acting so aloof; sorry for confusing him like I confused myself. But saying sorry was hard. Saying sorry meant admitting that I had been wrong; admitting that he had been right that day on our school’s square. Saying sorry would have been like a dent in my pride. And pride happened to be the only thing I felt I had left; the only thing that overthrew everything else.

I guess you could say that I can see things clearly now; now that it’s all over. I can see an undeniable reality. A reality in which Jung Daehyun and I grew apart. Maybe that’s how it was supposed to be. Maybe that’s what the universe had wanted from us all along. We lost each other with every single day that had passed after that day we left each other standing in that green open field; that last day of our second year in high school.

After that, the holidays had dawned on us.

Days had quickly turned into weeks.

Weeks even insensibly managed to turn themselves into months.

When I finally got an actual grip on the phenomenon that was time, it was already too late to actually do something. It was too late to talk. It would be like bringing up stuff that didn’t truly matter anymore. Stuff that was long overdue. Our contact had diluted and we allowed it; to the point that not talking to each other became the new normal. As if we had never known each other. As if we had never meant anything to each other. And the ironic thing of it all is that I didn’t run into him anymore either. Not ever. Not in school. Not on the busy streets of Seoul. Not even at Jea’s. I suppose that with Himchan and Yongguk both graduating last year, their group of friends doesn’t hang out as much as they used to. Or at least not at Himchan’s. I shifted in my bed again, all the while thinking that their graduation must be the cause of me not running into Daehyun.

Daehyun.

Jung Daehyun.

Another sigh escaped as I tried to push away the thoughts about him. However, the more I tried to, the harder it got. Ironically enough, pushing away Daehyun had the opposite effect. It was like opening up a beautiful velvet box of memories that were as much a blessing as they were a curse. They were memories I had hold onto. Something I had used when I wanted to pretend that everything was still fine and real. When I tried just hard enough, those memories were so close to the real thing. Or at the very least it felt like that. That’s the blessing. The curse is much uglier. The curse made me go back to moments I wouldn’t ever get back. The curse made me long for something I wouldn’t ever have again. That was the real killer; the hope the memories managed to settle within me. The hope of getting Jung Daehyun back one day. It was a tiny bit of hope, but it was enough. It was all I needed.

But I guess very slowly, and also very surely I’m letting Jung Daehyun go. I had always liked to convince myself that that was something I was doing. But then I would wonder whether having those very thoughts about him didn’t prove me wrong. Truthfully, I was very much aware of the fact that I hadn’t erased Jung Daehyun entirely. Till this day I’m thinking more of him than I should. It has been a year and I’m still hung up on him. I’m still longing for him. I would be lying if I were to say that I’m completely over him, because I’m not.

I have wondered whether I will ever get over all of this. Over these thoughts. These analyses. The hollowness in my chest. The butterflies in my stomach at the very thought of him. I have wondered whether I will ever get over him. It feels like I never will. As if it doesn’t seem possible for me to get rid of him. But the truth is that I will. The truth is that I will get over this. It’s what I kept telling myself all this while and somewhere deep down I know it’s true.

I will get there. And I feel like I’m getting there. Slowly.

With time passing – maybe a lot of time passing – I will. Eventually.

Because time is for a fact supposed to heal everything.

*

‘’Aerin c’mon now! We’re going to be late!’’ My mom barked from down the stairs.

‘’I’m coming!’’ I yelled in annoyance. I looked in the mirror and puffed my cheeks, my index finger curling around a lock of hair in a desperate attempt to make something out of it. It wasn’t working. There was no life in my hair. Not on this particular day.

‘’Aerin!’’ My mother’s voice sounded again I rolled my eyes and decided to ignore her. This was my day; she would just have to wait. I casted another look at myself. I looked decent. A bit dolled up, but not too much. I wore a simple black dress that looked plain but somehow managed to do wonders for my figure and a pair of black strap heels. Next to all the other girls I knew I couldn’t even be considered dolled up, but that was alright. This was me. Love it or leave it.

A buzz interrupted me from my thoughts about appearances and I quickly unlocked my phone. In the process I managed to knock over my can of hairspray. I cursed a dozen times before I picked it up and stared at the message Chaerin had wrote me.

Chaerin: We’ll be driving in ten minutes. I think I’ll be there in thirty. You?

‘’Aerin!’’ I could hear my mom walking up the stairs by now and quickly stood to my feet. Her patience was running out, I could tell, and I wasn’t entirely sure whether I wanted my mom to find me here still struggling with my lifeless hair.

There was an annoyed look on her face, the car keys impatiently clanking in her right hand. However, the moment she laid eyes on me she softened up. There was a sudden tenderness in her eyes as she nearly whispered: ‘’You look so beautiful Rin.’’

I hadn’t expected the compliment and instead of responding to it like any normal person would I managed to mumble the word liar under my breath. Apparently she didn’t hear me, because instead of telling me off she crushed me in a big bear hug. ‘’You’re growing into such a fine lady Rin,’’ she whispered against my ear before she let go of me. ‘’Who would’ve thought that your graduation would come this fast?’’

‘’it’s been three years mom,’’ I reminded her.

‘’I know, but it just went by so fast. You grew up so fast.’’ Her eyes drifted to the clock on my wall. And suddenly the peaceful atmosphere was gone. Suddenly she remembered why she was here in the first place: to get me to move.

‘’Aerin,’’ she said, in her voice a faint sound of rigor.

‘’Yes I know. I know. I’m done I’m coming,’’ I said hurriedly. My mom tapped her foot as I picked up my little mirror, mints and powerbank and nearly threw them in the tiny thing I couldn’t even really call a bag. I swiftly picked up my phone next, responded to Chaerin: Will b there in 30 too and hurried out the door of my room.

The reception hall was teeming with students. Most of them I knew somehow, but a great part of them I had never seen. I looked at my phone and watched as messages took over the entire screen. Jea and Chaerin couldn’t find each other and instead of just calling, they had decided on quick and short text messages with vague directions one couldn’t possibly understand. Typical.

‘’Shall we try to find Jea and Chaerin?’’ My dad suggested as he placed his big hand on my right shoulder with quite a force. I nodded as I held tighter onto the phone I had almost dropped. As we walked in no particular direction, I tried to undo myself of my coat, all the while also trying to keep up with the speed of the group chat. It was a hard task and I was relieved when my mom suggested for us to stop walking aimlessly and just wait for them at a bar that was ridiculously long instead. It was only a few moments later that my mother’s suggestions proved itself to be a wise one: Jea and Chaerin soon stepped into our direction. Their parents were on their tail, chit-chatting in great spirits. After the expected exchange in greetings, my parents came to join the other adults: having a ‘grown’ conversation I didn’t feel like meddling in, and leaving the three of us to mind our own business for now.

I looked around the hall absentmindedly. Ironically, I couldn’t even tell that I was in my own school: all of a sudden the walls weren’t as grey. All of a sudden the floor didn’t seem all walked over. As a matter of fact, the entire atmosphere was different. Not to mention the crazy long bar they had managed to arrange, provided with fancy bartenders, lavish snacks and elegant glasses with champagne and other refreshments. ‘’Where’s Himchan?’’ I asked at one point, just for the sake of asking.

Jea shrugged. ‘’I guess he already went inside. You know, to find a place, save the others a spot.’’ I nodded and watched as Chaerin casually took a sip from her beverage. She hadn’t said an awful lot up to that point, which made me wonder if something was the matter.

‘’And Yongguk?’’ I asked her carefully.

‘’He went with Himchan. And Yejin,’’ she responded as she tried to hand me a glass of champagne; that gesture was thankfully more like her. I shook my head and kindly declined which caused Chaerin to look at me with her typical really? look before she offered the drink to Jea instead. Unlike me, Jea didn’t for a second hesitate to take it.

‘’You want something else?’’ Jea asked the moment she had swallowed the liquid down, her one eyebrow raised in that typical Jea manner. A reply hadn’t even left my mouth and I could already see Jea searching for something non-alcoholic. At that particular part we were standing there was only champagne left though.

‘’I’ll get something over there,’’ I offered as I pointed towards a place a little further along the bar.

‘’Sure? I can ask the bartender if he—‘’

‘’Very sure,’’ I said, already on my feet and on my way. I smiled my signature excuse me for a while, adults smile, passed our parents and heaved a sigh once my back was completely turned against them. Truth is, I had wanted to walk. Truth is, I had wanted to see more of the school that had managed to transform entirely just for this particular day. Call it crazy, but as I came to stare around what had been the canteen I always ate in, I realized that a big chapter of my life was coming to an end. And at the same time a new one was ought to start. Truthfully, I didn’t know how to feel about that. So I tried not to feel anything about it and instead grabbed a glass of orange juice without another thought wasted.

And that’s when my eyes happened to land on Jung Daehyun. Or I thought it was Jung Daehyun. I couldn’t be sure. It had only been a split second, and if it was Jung Daehyun, he was blocked by other people now. My heart began beating fast as I tried to convince myself that I had seen it wrong. All I had to do was to take my drink and walk back. But somehow I couldn’t. So before I even grasped what I was doing, I found myself walking, just enough so that the sight wasn’t blocked anymore, my eyes drifting back to find him. That’s when I saw him. Leaning against the bar, a glass in his hand, chatting with what I assumed was his family.

I took him in. I took his family in. His brother who he resembled so much. His kind but at the same time stern looking mother. And his somehow familiar looking dad. I felt like I was staring at them interact for hours. They looked happy, but then again everyone did on this particular day. Everyone except for maybe me. I guess seeing Jung Daehyun – no matter how many times it happened – still had some weird effect on me. An effect I did not wish. An effect I had convinced myself I was over. So at some point I had to reason that enough was enough. I should’ve stopped lurking. I should’ve gone back to my own company. I’ve had my little walk. I’ve got my non-alcoholic drink. It was supposed to be enough.

But not quite.

And so I went there again; one last glance. A quick glance in which I came up with the fantasy scenario of him turning his head and looking right at me too. I visualized him walking up to me; how that would have been. I even deluded myself into thinking that he was really going to talk to me. Perhaps he would’ve asked me what I’ve been up to this past year. Perhaps he would’ve asked me how well I did on my national tests and whether it was enough for me to get into the school I wanted. I would’ve told him that I didn’t get accepted into the University of my first choice; the prestigious ‘SKY’ Seoul National University, but that I made it into the University of Seoul instead – which was fine too. In turn, I would ask him whether he had made his final decision about pursuing a career in singing. But that wouldn’t be the only thing I would be asking him. I would’ve asked him whether Daebak was still living healthily and about the relationship with his brother now. I would have showed him that I bothered to remember. All the little things that mattered to me. All the little things that made Daehyun, Jung Daehyun.

But of course it doesn’t happen like that. Of course the reality is different. Jung Daehyun and I aren’t friends anymore. We haven’t been for a long time now. We are strangers; strangers with a once connected past, maybe. But still strangers now. And of course Jung Daehyun is so engrossed in his company that he doesn’t even see me.

So I went back. I tried to forget about seeing him. And weirdly I felt relieved when it was finally time to gather to listen to the Principal’s speech. But as I sat there, nothing really registered. Instead, I thoughtlessly smoothed down the skirt of my dress. And instead of listening I caught myself looking around again. I watched the many students and their families all neatly suited up. I spotted Mr. and Mrs. Kim among the audience soon enough. Yejin obediently sat next to them, a somewhat bored expression on her face. Yongguk was with them too and I thought to myself how sweet it was that he actually bothered to show up to the boring graduation of his high school sweetheart. Especially since he has experienced the entire thing already. Jea’s parents weren’t seated near them and my parents weren’t either. I suppose Himchan hadn’t done a proper job ensuring enough seats.  Judging from the look on Himchan’s face he hadn’t done his best; judging from the look on his face he didn’t even want to be here in the first place. I chuckled at the thought and realized that seeing both Yongguk and Himchan again in this particular setting, made me think of memories I had tried to tuck away. Fond memories of happy times at Jea’s. I don’t know what it was that made me think of all these things on this day, but apparently I was feeling sentimental for reasons I couldn’t explain.

Maybe that’s why I was glad when the entire thing was over. Admittedly, my heart had skipped a familiar beat when it was Jung Daehyun’s turn to pick up his paper, and admittedly I felt a little petty when Choi Yuna came to claim hers.

But overall all went well. 

And for that, I was so thankful that I heaved a happy hearted sigh as I wriggled myself comfortably in my seat. The seats had been in neat rows and although the ceremony was over and the janitor was already in the progress of removing most of them, Jea, Chaerin and I still sat there with no care in the world. Most of the people were gone, but here and there, there were still some groups talking about the ceremony, school choices and what not. Our parents had long left us, catching up somewhere else. They too knew that this was the last time we were going to be together like this. Together in the school we had spent a significant part of our lives. The school in which we had grown and learned so much. And not just about academics, but about life. And love; and Jung Daehyun.

Chaerin’s sudden nudge made the thought I had about Jung Daehyun disappear. Jung Daehyun disappeared, even when he was probably still somewhere around here. I watched as the smile on Chaerin’s face managed to become even bigger than it already was. It amazed me that she managed to get through all her exams. But she did it. And I was proud of her. Just as much as I was secretly proud of myself.

‘’High school was pretty alright? Right?’’ Jea asked cheerfully.

I thought about it. I thought about high school. About wanting to fit in; wanting to be liked. About constantly measuring yourself to other people in order to achieve that. About studying, and the real hard work that was put into it – sometimes even without the guarantee of a good (end) result. About experiencing first love, or in my case: heartbreak. And then, with a careless shrug, as if I hadn’t found high school that much big of a deal, I said: ‘’It was.’’

Chaerin’s left arm slung over my shoulder, seconds before she practically steered me in the direction of her upper body. She did the same to Jea, holding the both of us in a gentle headlock. ‘’It sure was!’’ She laughed, ‘’and we sure got tough too! I mean, Jea actually survived living with no parents,’’ she playfully shook the latter as the words rolled of her tongue. I laughed at the sight, although difficult because of the position Chaerin was forcing me in. ‘’Aerin lived through her first failed romance…’’ I glared at her but couldn’t suppress my laughter, ‘’…and I managed to actually pass all my exams!’’

‘’You passed with a little help from this amazing tutor,’’ I pointed out as I wriggled myself out of her grip. She laughed, not addressing my comment, and I gave her a not so subtle side-eye.

‘’Overall, I think we did a pretty good living though high school. I think I’ll miss it.’’ I looked at Chaerin. Though she had been joking all this while, and tough she probably wanted to pass this statement of as a mere joke too, I knew that she meant every single word. Kim Chaerin would come to miss high school. Frankly I would too. And I realized that, most of all, I would come to miss Jung Daehyun.

I remembered what it felt like to fall in love with him. To fall in love for the first time. I remembered it like it was yesterday. At this point I can’t tell whether I’ll ever love someone in the same way. For now, I can’t imagine I will. For now, I can’t imagine loving somebody other than Jung Daehyun. God, I would come to miss the memories aligned with him.

I wonder, what is it about him that I can’t completely erase?

A small smile crept up my face as I glanced around at what at one point had been my high school. The glorious inside of the old grey main building. I recalled the hallways. The canteen.

Daehyun.

Again.

The universe was playing tricks, because there, again and oh so suddenly was Jung Daehyun. Approximately twenty-five meters away, settling himself down on one of the seats still left. His company did the same thing, happily chit-chatting while doing so. He was far away and yet so close at the same time. I watched him. He was surrounded by so many now. More than when I spotted him at the bar. They were other students. Some classmates. His friends I knew all too well. His family – who kept more of their distance now. Surprisingly, there was no Choi Yuna. Surprisingly, I hadn’t seen much interaction between them. Or maybe, that was just because I wasn’t paying as much attention as I used to.

But yes, he was surrounded by many.

But not me.

I would probably not see him after this, because this was the last of us. He wouldn’t come over to talk to me. I wouldn’t do so either. We were different now. It was complicated now.

We were strangers now.

I tried my hardest not to stare at him and glanced at my shoes, half-heartedly listening to the conversation between Jea and Chaerin. However, despite my initial attempts to ignore his existence, I found myself looking for him. And somehow he too came to look away from the person he was talking to. And as if he felt compelled to look at me, as if there was some sort of force pulling his eyes to mine, our eyes met. In that short moment, I lost all sense of time and place.

And despite it all, despite the things we’ve been through, he managed to smile his signature smile. It wasn’t an awkward smile. Or a forced one. It was a smile that was supposed to tell me that all is well, and all will be well. It was the same smile that used to be my weakness. That smile that, somewhere deep down, still is my weakness. I automatically found the ends of my mouth curl up too. Not forced. Not awkward. Genuine. There is an odd inexplicable feeling of rightness between us. A certain feeling of settlement; of things ending like they are supposed to end. Unfortunate or not, this is the path we took.

We accept the things for what they are. For what they have become.

For what they could have been.

For what they will never be.

Things come.

And things sure as hell go just as easily.

______________________________

A/N: 

Surprise! Yes, I’m still alive.

I have no legit excuse; it’s the usual. Life, love, school and work. It’s still incredibly busy, but I figured I couldn’t do this to all of you anymore. I’m so sorry for going MIA for so long. I’m sorry for ending things on this note too. I hope I haven’t disappointed too much with this particular chapter after so many months. I’m scandaloussssssss.

One last chapter (epilogue) to go. But still, you can consider this the end. I hope you enjoyed the ride, even when it was a very bumpy one.

Also, thank you so much for the messages I received asking me to go on and how I was doing. This is okay for all of you to do! Via wall, private messages or comments; it doesn't matter to me. You're not annoying to me at all. Sometimes I need the little push! I can never say thank you enough.