There is a spare room for the couple, and they insist for Dannie to sleep with them tonight. My initial plan is to sleep on Dannie’s room but it’s ruined since she will sleep on their room tonight. Poor me. We’re leaving immediately tomorrow. Taemin has made his calls to the office for an urgent 2 week leave. He has called Jinki-ssi as well to replace him for a while at his clinic. When he told him about the honeymoon trip we got from his parents, I could almost hear Jinki-ssi’s loud laugh from my seat.

I also have called the office for a two-week leave. It’s immediate but since I’ve always been diligent and dedicated to my work, he let me slip off just this once. But actually, I’d rather have him reject my request for leave. It would be another reason not to push through with this trip.

But ironically, everything is going according to his parents’ plans. It’s like the world is turning its back against me, like I have nothing on my side, not even time, situation, or the moment. I feel like being pushed to this, being forced to face and be alone with Taemin after the confession I made just a while ago.

If I know this would happen then I would never do that.

The atmosphere is really awkward inside this room. No one’s talking. He is busy with his stuff, I’m busy with mine, though there are few times when we brush on each other’s arms since there are some clothes I have on his closet, too. Still, we try to act like it’s nothing.

I won’t talk unless he does. I won’t open my mouth unless he asks something. It’s better this way. I might not be able to control my mouth again and randomly start babbling about things that would only put me into embarrassment.

Also, I feel so unusual with this silent treatment. He’s not even saying anything. Of course though I know it will be awkward to talk about it, won’t it be a bit unfair if I don’t hear his side after he heard mine? At least apologize to me, tell me he won’t do that again, or anything. Maybe I can handle some few good words from him.

But I’m so lucky there’s none. Not even a single HA.

He stands up and settles his bag on the side. I guess he’s done. He gets his towel and goes inside the bathroom.

Again, not even a single word.

So I decide to just finish my work and then go to sleep. In order to escape the awkward situation inside this room with him, I shall sleep early and prepare myself for tomorrow’s flight. It’s a 24 hour trip from here. I should have some energy with me when we go.

He comes out and I’m already lying on our bed, pretending that I’m asleep and I’m heavily asleep. I let out some soft snore when I feel like he’s looking at me.

Or maybe it’s just me. I am just wishfully thinking that he’s looking at me.

UGH. RAE IN, STOP. You can’t be like this. Stop with those wishful thinking, please.

I feel him occupying the empty space behind me. He’s moving slowly. Maybe he guessed that I’m sleeping already so he’s not trying to wake me up. I refrain from moving. I should not be discovered.

“As soon as I finished gathering the courage to talk to you, you fell asleep.” He says and chuckles a bit bitterly.

Oh my… is he going to talk to me while I’m pretending to sleep? Wait-

“But maybe this is better, at least I won’t feel guilty of not saying anything to you. I did say what I feel, except that you are sleeping so you didn’t hear.”

Should I end this show and tell him I’m not really sleeping? But I’m scared.

“I do like you.”

What.

“But it’s hard to express it. I don’t have experience for that. I can’t directly tell you I like you and act like I really do. The best way is to make you believe I’m just doing this for Dannie, but apart from that, I just want you mine, but I can’t say it to you. You’re not like any other girl who would easily say yes. You can reject me, moreover, you can slap me on the face and yell that I should stop taking you as an easy girl. I was lucky you didn’t slap me a while ago.” He pauses.

And I know it’s too late to tell him I’m still awake. I should maintain this pretention until the end.

“It was never easy for me since I was young. I had so many heartaches before, so while I was growing, I felt like I slowly closed my heart to guard it from any more heartache.”

I can feel the hurt on his voice.

I am afraid because I’ve never been in love and never do I feel any heartache my entire life while he’s afraid because he doesn’t want to experience the same heartache anymore.

“It would be too much to ask you to help me, to help me gain confidence that I can love again – without having to be afraid of anything.”

Help…  help him?

“I’ve got all the reasons to make you stay. I’ve got all the reasons to control you. Dannie is all I need for you to stay and to agree with whatever I want. You’d sacrifice yourself for Dannie, and I could use the child and your heart for her as an advantage to keep you, but I realize it’s unfair on your part. I’m running out of reasons. What should I do to make you stay without having to risk my heart?”

There is a complete silence and he never talks again. I wait for some more words, but there’s none. Has he fallen asleep? I don’t want to take a look. He might still be awake and realize that I heard everything that he said.

The night passes like that – a sleepless one for me.

Time passes by so quickly that I realize it’s morning already when I notice the hint of light coming out of the window. I move and  Taemin flinches as well, probably waking up the same time as me.

I have thought the entire night what to do. I can’t just shrug those things I heard last night, can I?

I am going to push my courage and just do as to the extent that I can. He likes me, but he doesn’t know how to say it because he’s afraid he’ll get hurt. He lost his courage long time ago, while I have the chance to gather them all right now.

Right. I should help him. I should help him open up again, and get his braveness back and learn how to love again. He has gone so far in allowing us in his life. I don’t know what happened before, but I can feel that he went through a lot of pain. Maybe that was why he became like that when I met him in highschool. Maybe there was this heavy reason why he was someone I used to hate so much.

After all, all this time living with him, I learn he’s a good person. He’s not the monster I thought he was.

What I was afraid of happening to me happened to him a long time ago. Falling with no one to catch him. He was broken a lot of times probably, and no one was there, but himself, to put himself together. Now he’s afraid to fall again, but will I allow him to just keep himself like this? I should let him fall, but be there to catch him – to make sure he won’t be broken again.

I realize that in this case, I’m not the vulnerable one. He is, and though I’m not the strongest girl in the world, I should be the strongest person in his life. I might be unwelcome to be here, but I should welcome myself, so I would be able to help him, and show him the good world full of love, hope, and happiness.

I should let him experience how it is not to be afraid, not to be pretentious, not to be so frustrated that he cannot be in control of everything.

Right, right, right, Rae In, let’s do this!

I roll out of my bed, “Taemin-ah…” Calling him slowly, I actually can feel my own heart beating so fast. This is crazy. He moves a bit, but doesn’t open his eyes. “Taemin-ah, it’s already past 6. We’ll be late.” I tell him. He stays still but slowly opens his eyes. I secretly swallow. I know he’ll act like he never said anything last night. “I’ll just take a bath first.” I immediately take my bath towel and run to the bathroom – saving myself from the awkwardness with him.

Actually, I don’t know how we would survive the 2 week vacation with this kind of atmosphere. It’s not because of his confession last night. It’s because of my weird confrontation with him that we are in this situation.

And it goes back that I need to exert extra effort in order to put everything back into normal.

Seriously, Rae In, this is one heck of a hardwork.