“Mommy, mommy… wake up.” I can hear Dannie’s voice trying to wake me up with a little shake on my shoulders. Once again, I fell asleep on her bed with her after telling her a story last night and writing an article for the magazine after she fell asleep.

“5 minutes more, Dannie, please…” I whine though I know it’s necessary for me to get up already. But man, I think I’ve slept around 4am this morning. I needed to finish that article immediately because my boss noted me to send it A.S.A.P, you know – as soon as possible – and I know that despite the time, he will still expect me to send that to him even in the middle of the night. Gosh, me and my work… sometimes it’s tiring, but you know, I think every work is tiring.

And yeah, even Taemin, too, has obviously been tired this past week.

Oh. It’s been 2 weeks since the day we got Dannie and started living together in his unit. I’ve been sleeping with Dannie in her room. I know… I know… Dannie is starting to ask me why I don’t sleep with her daddy in “our” room. I can only tell her that I’m sleeping together with her until she becomes used on this room.

“Mommy, I’m going to be late for school.”

Oh, yeah, also, we immediately sent her back to school two days after she got out of the orphanage. She’s spending her last year of preschool on the same school she attended before Dan Mi passed away. We decided to let her stay so she won’t have to adjust that much.

“You should take a bath now and wear your uniform. I already fixed it last night.” I say still weakly. For your information, it’s just 7am and I am just asleep for 3 freaking hours. How can I now have the energy and strength to stand up and take care of her?

“I already took a bath, mommy, and I am already wearing my uniform.”

“Then you should tell daddy to get up because he will send you to school.” I tell her without showing any interest of going up and waking up. My body is still so heavy.

“He’s taking a bath already and he said you are the one who will send me to school today because he has work in the clinic.” Dannie says once again, and quickly, I recall what day it is today.

Damn, it’s Tuesday, and I am in charge of taking her to school. Taemin and I fixed our schedule before. I’ll take her to school on Tuesday and Thursday while he will during Monday and Wednesday. On Friday, we decided to take her together and pick her up together, then we will eat outside before going home as a form of family bonding. According to Dr. Lee Jinki, Taemin’s hyung who is a psychiatrist, this small things we do together with Dannie can help her heal faster. If we can show her that it is still possible to be happy despite the absence of her parents, then, it will really help her to move on completely and be happy and cheerful again.

“Oh… right… right…” I say and start moving slowly to get up. “I’m sorry, sweetie. Okay, mommy will take a bath now.”

Let me be honest. I am not prepared in this. I thought I was ready to take care of a child when I decided to do this for Dannie. However, I was not able to properly look into more specific concerns that I need to deal with once I involve myself as her mother.

I used to wake up late especially since I really have my creative juices at night. In my own house with omma and appa, I can wake up whenever I want. I completely have my time even if my work is pressuring. I can work all night and sleep all day, and my mother won’t come knocking on my door nagging at me to rise up, fix myself or prepare something for them. Back in my own house, my mother is the one in charge of everything I need.

I failed to recognize these changes as I stepped into this situation. Now, I have to cook for Taemin and Dannie. I have to wake up at this time because Dannie’s going to school and I also need to put on a show that I am actually taking care of whatever her daddy is wearing for the day. I need to pick her up at this time, make sure she eats at the exact time and all the other things a mother should consider for her child. Heck, I don’t even eat on time when I was alone… heck, when I was “single”. I used to do things on my own, but now I can’t do them all.

Every move I make, I have to consider Dannie, and most of the time, consider Taemin and his availability and opinion, too.

Okay, I can tolerate every changes, but still, I can’t accept the fact that he has the say on everything I do with my life. What time I should be in the house, what meal I should cook for dinner, everything – even the out-of-town seminars that I had to reject because he insisted that I should be with Dannie always during her first month of coping up with us.

I am able to finish taking a bath with all these thoughts running through my head. When I go out, Dannie’s already gone and I’m guessing that she has ran to the kitchen to eat her breakfast.

I take out whatever clothes I can wear since all I need to do is take her to school and then I can go back to sleep again. I leave the room and follow her on the dining area.

“I thought you’d descended to hell already.” Taemin utters as I enter the kitchen to get something to drink.

“Excuse me?” I say with one eyebrow raising. Seriously. I just woke up and his filthy mouth is what welcomes me? Thank you!

“Shouldn’t you be the one cooking breakfast for us and not me? For Pete’s sake, Song Rae In, I slept so late last night, shouldn’t I deserve some more rest?!”

“Excuse me, how late did you sleep?” I argue back – not taking any opportunity of him to win over me.  “I slept 4am this morning, for your information, so who deserves more rest?”

For few seconds, he is silent and can’t grasp any word to answer me back. Perhaps, he is kinda surprised that I really slept at 4am. Now beat that, stubborn Lee.

“Well? You only stay home doing sets of articles and not moving at all. While I am in my clinic attending to lots of children and mind you, majority of them are really naughty ones. Then I’d go to the hospital and then I’d visit the restaurant. I do more than you, so I get more exhausted!” Again, he argues. The really negative thing about this relationship is that…

…we hate each other so much that we really couldn’t afford losing to one another. We’ll always argue back as long as we have the reason to take the win.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” I say with loads of sarcasm in my voice. “I’m sorry, this is all my fault that you are almost killing yourself with the jobs you do! I’m sorry, okay??! I hope you could forgive me! …. Happy?” I decided to end that irritating conversation with those words, as I turn to go back to the dining area, I saw Dannie standing at the entrance and just watching the both of us.

“Are you fighting again, mommy, daddy?” She asks with what it seem like sparkle of tears in her eyes.

“Oh, no, babe, I’m sorry, we were just talking about something…” I say and immediately walk over to her to calm her down. I don’t want her to cry. Dr. Lee said we should be careful and try not to make her cry for the mean time.

“Do parents always fight? Dan Mi omma said she never fought with my appa…” She opens it up, completely taking both of us by surprised. I thought she never noticed us. I thought she never seemed to care about the little arguments Taemin and I have from time to time. But Dannie is such an intelligent and smart girl. She notices everything, and eventually analyses them as wittily as she can.

“I’m sorry babe.” Taemin says as he apologizes quickly to her – and take note: not to me. “I am just a bit annoyed your mommy isn’t sleeping with me anymore.”

I am about to argue back and yell at him for what he just said but then the glow in Dannie’s eyes and face reappears so I really couldn’t spoil it.

“Mommy can sleep with you starting tonight, daddy!” She says in such lovely tone and even nodded in enthusiasm. When he grins like that, she really looks like her mother.

“But babe, mommy still need to be beside you because I’m afraid you’ll feel uncomfortable there alone!” I say to Dannie.

Isn’t it obvious? As much as possible, I don’t want to be beside him on the bed. Please. If we can do anything about it, then do so. I really don’t want to sleep on that bed with him. No, please.

“But I’m a big girl now, mommy, and I am not afraid of ghost. They are just creatures we imagine in our minds. If we don’t think of them, then they won’t appear.” She starts lecturing me with thoughts I know she learned from her mom. Dan Mi said the same thing to me once when I told her I am really afraid to sleep in complete darkness because I might see some scary creatures.

I know Taemin only said that to divert Dannie’s attention, but really, what he said only put the both of us into trouble with each other again.

The idea of sleeping together means having more arguments and more reasons to hate each other. Sleeping together means we have to spend more time with each other. And what happens when you get to be with the person you hate for a longer time? Well? You just tend to hate that person even more.

But I do hope that these arguments on the bed won’t get to Dannie’s knowledge or else… it’s a bigger trouble.