For kurtandme + -dewdrops

Lotus

I have never been good at speaking. At times I stutter, not because I have that condition, but because I get nervous when I have to talk. I’m bad at expressing myself, and I feel like when I use words, they never agree or match what I have to say. Other times, words just tumble out of my mouth, and I can hurt people or offend people, or embarrass myself. During those times, it feels like there’s no filter in my mouth or in brain, or whatever it is that produces language. I like being quiet and observing people around me. I like to express myself in other forms that don’t involve talking, like my actions, my facial expressions, my writing or art. I think that sometimes, people use words carelessly, without figuring out what it really means to talk, what that word actually means, what context they are using it in or how words can be shaped, reshaped, and then changed completely. In my case, I have learnt to be silent. Not passive, not quiet, but silent. And when the teacher gave us a speech as our next assignment, I quickly dreaded it, and my brain shut down. Public speaking is not my strong point. How many times do I have to emphasise that? I can’t make eye contact, or speak with confidence and gusto, I just can’t.

A boy in the class put up his hand.

“What do we have to talk about?”

“Something in the world. Something that you’re passionate about. Something that has changed you or something that is important to you. The speech is about you. You will be assessed on how well you are able to relate yourself to a place, a person, or a thing.”

“Can we have the speech on a piece of paper?”

“You are allowed one palm card. That’s it. You will also be marked on how well you engage with the audience and how well you can speak without reading off of complete sentences.”

“But how will we know what to say?”

“That should be easy. You are talking about yourself.”

“But it might come out wrong.”

“You know it’s better to put your energy in coming up with a topic then trying to argue your way out of this.”

“What if we forget and clam up when we get up to speak.”

“Look. It’s a speech. It’s not a reading task. If it was a reading task, I would just make you recite a poem from one of your books. It’s a speech. That palm card will be a guide or a prompter to help you remember what you want to say.”

The whole time the students and the teacher were arguing, I tuned out. I was too busy thinking about impending doom than to argue or come up with an excuse. Besides, the teacher was right. They were wasting their time in arguing, when they could start their speech. They were wasting their words. The topic seemed easy enough in itself. My only problem was, how would I convey my passion for not talking in an assignment where you are allocated a whole five minutes to talk? I went home that day and thought about the assignment the whole night. I don’t know why I was worried, I just was.

When the day of the speech arrived, my mother gave me an unlikely good luck charm. Usually she would pack me an extra nice lunch, or some snacks or promise me something, but on that day, she handed me a flower and gave me a kiss. She gave them to me wordlessly, and I took that as her way of silently supporting me, her way of understanding my cause. It had a little note attached to it that read:

This is a Lotus. It stands for eloquence. It speaks for itself.

Her words felt encouraging. In twelve words, she gave me more confidence in myself than if she were to try and console me by telling me that I would be alright, and that it was just a speech and it would have been over in five minutes.

I got to school and sat down in my seat. I was the fifth person to be called out. I stood there for a good minute, making sure that I looked at everyone in the room.

“Words. Words are just words. They don’t mean anything because they are words. We waste words. We use them in the wrong way. We use them out of context. Words can uplift and words can beat down. Words are powerful, but they are weak. Words are just words. Words can be made up and language can decline. You need to be able to understand words to fully appreciate them for what they are.  I have just used the word, words, a total of ten times, or twelve if you count the ones in this sentence. It was a waste of language. What I can tell you about words is that you don’t need them for everything. Why can’t you use other forms of speaking besides words? You can learn more about a person by watching them. Actions don’t lie, but words are used to lie. You may see me as quiet, but I prefer to use the word silent. Silent is a word with countless connotations. It is a single word, but it means many different things. If I am silent, I am also quiet. If I am silent, I am more aware of my surroundings, I am vigilant. If I am silent, I am also still, I am also at peace and I am also calm. If I am silent, I can observe and listen, I can understand. I want you to try to be silent. You may even learn something new.”

I finished my speech without so much as a thank you, but I wanted to get my point across. I bowed to the class and sat back down in my seat. I felt proud of myself. In my head, I did very well. I listened intently to what everyone else had to say, and it more than confirmed to me about what I thought. But, I guess, it’s up to you on how you want to use words, or want to express yourself. To each his own.

After the class had finished, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. It was Eunji. She had been in my class ever since I started school, but I never got the chance to really know her, not in the way most people would. Where I sat for lunch, I got the perfect view of her. I noticed how she liked to eat sandwiches made of butter and jam, how she ruffles her bangs when she’s nervous, how she’s quiet among her friends, but all of them like to ask her for advice.

“Luhan…”

“Yes?”

“That was a nice speech. I hope that we can tal…understand each other more. Would you like to go eat something with me after school?”

“Yes.”

She smiled at me, and then I smiled back at her. She grabbed onto my hand and then we walked out to lunch together.