Chapter Eleven ✿ Agony

It’s been more than three years since I last saw the two of them. Even though I wanted to be by their sides I couldn’t, I couldn’t take the risk of making empty promises that I may not be able to fulfil.

Being afraid of them to expect and wait for me hurts, but then again I probably hurt them even more by just leaving them.

Sometimes I question why I foolishly decided to continue my career as a musician, enjoying my life when I could have been a caring father and husband to two people I love?

It was something really selfish for me to do, choosing between the two because I couldn’t possibly have both.

Over the years I’ve been sending out hidden messages to both Sera and Jinnie on television. Each variety and talk show I sent hints always using my Jinnie stuff toy as an excuse to say, “Appa loves you Jinnie-ah”.

My success in this career wouldn’t have exceeded this far if it weren’t for the two. They were my muses for majority of the songs that I wrote.

 Sometimes I feel like the members are starting to get annoyed with all my compositions being about them but then again I drag them with this problem of mine.

Fans, may be thinking that I meet a lot of different girls and turn those memories into songs but it’s just Sera and Jinnie who I use as my inspiration – I’ll let the fans think what they want.

But I wished Sera would have a least noticed it.

As years have naturally went by my life was becoming easier, which makes me think that all this training was worth it. I’ve decided to work hard for Jinnie and Sera.

Knowing Sera… she won’t be the type to move and meet other people easily. She may have mature physically and mentally but she’ll still be the same girl I first met in the convenience store.

Honestly, I’ve been able to keep my eye on the two thanks to my manager. You could say that I’ve been stalking them but I cannot stop thinking about them.

It hurts to hear that they’re doing well without me but that’s what I admire about Sera the most, she’s gives her all for Jinnie.

When I found out that they’re family has moved I was devastated. I was no longer able to hear from them or even spy on them.

I was experiencing karma – even though I wanted to let them go… I’ll never get sick of thinking about them. 

Remembering how yesterday was her birthday, I finally decided to show myself but then seeing her smile brightly with another man stopped my feet from walking any closer.

She looked too happy, and it wasn’t me who was making her smile and laugh. Since I couldn’t stand the sight I decided to walk away for now.

Trapped in deep thoughts I remembered seeing both Jinnie and Sera with that guy, all cheerful… they couldn’t perhaps moved on that much could they?

With all those doubts, I promised myself that I would no longer hide. Even on her birthday I had a be a loser and run away… but tomorrow I want to confront here and now what’s happening at the moment in their lives.

If she’s with the guy, then I may think about letting go. I might. I can’t even sleep at the moment. There are too many things troubling me at the moment.

Getting up from my bed I made my towards my desk. I’m currently on a hiatus brake as both a solo and leader of Big Bang, but here I am writing new songs for my second sol