BIGBANG rocks the night

I couldn't even count how manay concerts we had done at this point. I watched backstage with the Kwon Twins as BIGBANG performed Gara Gara Go, their song right before Hands Up, which meant the Kwons would be leaving me in less than a minute.

I would be all alone. Again.

The song ended, and Young Deuk squeezed my hand quickly before winking at me. "See you out there, y."

He and his brother ran out, and I smirked quietly in the darkness. His name for me wasn't meant in a romantic or flirting way; it was just what he called me, like how BIGBANG had names for me.

I crossed my arms in front of my chest, but couldn't help but hiss and greatly regret that decision. Lola had me wrapped up tight.

Flashback to Preparing for Tonight's Concert

"Alright, girlie, let's wrap you up." Lola sighed when she finished my pale makeup to help me blend in.

I groaned. "Lola, I still don't see why I have to do this. It hurts and I can't breathe."

Lola clicked her tongue and looked at me. "Honey, most Asians don't have a pair o 36 Ds hanging on their chest. We need you to look flatter."

I followed her to the fitting room, and she shut the curtain behind us. I reluctantly threw m shirt off and lifted my arms for the routine. Lola immediately started wrapping the stupid thing around my chest. I could feel the bandage digging into my skin, but I couldn't complain.

This is what YG wanted.

I kept my arms loose and listened to the guys sing Hands Up. I could feel the female dancers watching me from behind, All I could do was wait to hear what they would say.

"I can't believe we have to deal with her." I finally heard Ayeon scoff in Korean. "Like, really, just because YG demotes her doesn't mean Shaun can promote her and make her snatch our spots. I was supposed to be Seungri's interest in his solo."

"I thought the point of having her demoted was to keep her in the shadows. She's stealing as much spotlight as she can." Heeyun added.

"You guys do realize she still sleeps around with Top-oppa, right? All while she's trying to get with Seungri." Miran whispered.

Eunyoung let out a disgusted sound. "Well have you seen how she's been with our boys? She's been glued to Dony and Deuky."

Heeyun gasped. "She isn't trying to sleep with Dony, is she?" It was obvious that she had a crush on the twin.

I just knew Ayeon was shrugging. "I wouldn't put it past her. She's capable of everything."

With each stab in the back from my "team mates", I felt more and more tears well in my eyes. I felt the pit in my stomach grow deeper and deeper.

I wanted to turn around and tell them wrong. Tell them that TOP and I hadn't had since Seungri and my accident. Tell them that slowly but surely, Seungri and I were getting back to hwo we should be. Tell them that I look at Dony and Deuky as brothers, and the fact that I stick to them is because the rest of the dancers (mainly female) hated me.

But, i stayed silent. My arms still tensed up despite trying to keep my calm. I couldn't help but push my hair back and look at my cuticles. I had to do anything to ignore them. To avoid the truth.

There was no use in trying to defend myself. YG had said it all.

I used to quesiton if i was as bad as everyone thought. Now, I knew the answer: Yes.

When did I become this monster?

--

Let's Talk About Love

As soon as I heard Seungri's voice, my heart did lift a little. Seungri and I couldn't spend much time together here in Japan because he was busy with the guys and WINNER, and I wasn't really allowed out.

I walked towards the large jungle gym-like setpiece, the girls following me. I would be on the second floor of the piece, dancing, as I waited for my cue. The other girls pushed past me to get to their spots. I couldn't help but stumble back when Heeyun bumped into me a little too hard.

I Gotta Talk to You started playing, so I started moving my body to the beat ,swaying my hips and raising my arms above my head.

I watched the four maile dancers, including Dony and Deuky, walk with Seungri up to the main stage.

Two of the dancers pulled our set piece onto stage better, and as soon as it stopped I started down the steps to Seungri.

Boku wo Mitsumete

I started dancing with Seungri, and it's like we melted against each other. We danced so well together.

I reached back and put my hand on his face, and he put his hand on my hip.

We parted, and i heard fans screaming as I hurried up the steps, Seungri following me. I turned around and smirked at him. He kept singing as he followed me.

As Seungri sang the bridge, I faced him and walked slowly backwards up the stairs. It was like all the stress had melted away from me. I couldn't help but act a little more. I grabbed his tie and pulled him towards me as he sang the bridge.

Sono namida sono itami sono subete
Boku ga

As he sang "Boku ga", I leaned back, arching my chest towards him. He rested his forehead on my chest for a split second since I wasstill holding onto his tie.

uketomete kono ai o agerukara

I leaned closer to him as he sang this, and put my fingers under his chin to tilt his head closer to me. He tilted his head to the side as he sang, and our lips almost touched.

Almost.

I parted from him, despite the fan screams. I went to the top part of the jungle gym and started dancing ily again.

--

"Did you see her push up against Ri during Gotta Talk to You? God, it's a concert, not a bedroom." Eunyoung sneered as I put on my jacket for Daesung's solo.

"It was like she was practically begging him to motorboat her." Miran agreed.

"Honey, stop. You're hurting yourself."  Lola broke me out of my tranze. She grabbed my wrist, then found a damp towel.

I looked down, and saw that I had picked my cuticles raw and bloody. My basic french manicure was ruined.

"Let me grab a dry towel." Lola hurried.

Lola passed the girls, and I kept my head down. Of course, it was Ayeon who scoffed. "Are you kidding me? Even now she still tries to get attention, even if it's just from a stylist."

I bit my lip, then cursed under my breath when my fingers stung. I looked down at my hands, and realized I had begun picking at my fingers again.

I hadn't done this since I was a freshmen in high school.

--

Turn it Up Loud

I danced the steps to TOP's solo, and couldn't help but look behind me at the graphics on the screen as I bent down as ran my hands up my legs.

I couldn't believe YG put me onscreen for TOP's solo. Part of the graphics was a girl walking, and another shot of that same girl running.

YG had made that girl me. He must have gotten it from some previous model shots I had done for the agency, because I had not agreed to this.

It would just make things worse. The media would suspect TOP and I to be an item again. I was really surprised Seungri wasn't angry at the graphics.

Worse yet, it was just proving to everyone that I felt the need to be in every little YG thing. Even if I didn't plan it, I was in it.

I walked up the steps with Ayeon to be on either side of TOP, and we did the "Ayo ayo ayy ayy ayy" dance part with him. I kept my cool and swaggar face on, but on the inside, I felt like my chest was being ripped to shreds.

Everyone hates you now. The girls are right. You're a . An attention .

My own mind was even telling me I was worthless.

I put my hood up when the stage went to black for Doom Dada. I jumped when I felt someone touch me. "You're doing great." TOP whispered to me, away from his mike so fans couldn't hear. He turned away to his spot as he said into his microphone "You know who I be."

This was his concert. He dind't need to compliment me.

I went through Doom Dada, going through the choreography of chest pumps and TOP's iconic hand gesture.

As soon as we got off stage, Lola found me and grabbed my arm. "Let's get you into the white outfit."

I followed her to the dancers' fitting room. The girls didn't notice I came in.

"Did he really do that?" Heeyun asked Ayeon as they stripped off their tops and found their white outfits.

Ayeon nodded. "He grabbed her shoulder and said "you're doing great" when the blackout between Turn It Up and Doom Dada happened. I can't believe he said that to her. Can you say desperate?"

"And the graphics for Turn it Up? Can we talk about that, please?" Miran exclaimed. "Top's desperate enough for her that hes willing to put her behind every performance."

"God, will you stop making yourself bleed?" Lola hissed, putting a tissue up to my lip.

I didn't even realize I had bitten down so hard.

---

"My beautiful ladies.. CRAZY!" Taeyang announced during the encore.

I walked out with the rest of the dancers, strutting out first since the rest of them seemed to be shy and hestitant.  I was so warm in my plaid hoodie and leather short shorts, but it kept my body hidden from fans.

We stood on the side of the stage, the BIGBANG member closest to us being TOP. He smiled and watched us as we listened to Taeyang.

"Ayeon-ie Ayeon-ie Ay-Ay-Ayeon-ie" Taeyang chanted, trying to get her to dance.

She was too shy and didn't budge, just moved her hips a little.

I still clapped to the beat, and glanced up at Taeyang. We locked eyes, and he smirked.

Oh no.

"Go Lia, go Lia." Taeyang chanted, pointing at me. "Lia" was my codename for the dance crew.

"Go go, go Lia." G-Dragon even said.

I walked to the middle and put my arms above my head, swaying my hips and body rolling to the jazz beat. Fans screamed, and I turned to the side and chest pumped a few times before running my hands through my hair, did a quick booty shake, then went down into the splits.

The boys howled when I got back up, and I smiled at the crowd before covering my face.

TOP went into some funny dance, and I clapped as he danced.

"Like really, we know she can move more than that." Miran scoffed quietly as she whispered to Heeyun. "If she's not going to give it all , then why is she here?"

I either give it all or not enough.

Either way, I couldn't satisfy anyone.

---

Pain. My whole chest and upper back were in stinging pain.

I hissed as I slowly unwrapped my chest from the bandanges in my hotel bathroom. Each unwrapping caused more and more pain because it was getting closer and closer to my skin.

I winced when the layers lessened and lessened.

Red. The bandages were stained red.

I couldn't help but cry out from the burning pain as I removed the last layer. The badnage was stuck to my skin. It reminded me of the seatbelt from the accident.

I've neverbeen one to stand in front of a mirror being topless before, but I couldn't help it now.

Red and bloody. My whole chest, sides, and back were red and bloody from various gashes and welts, like I had been whipped. It was like each insult from the night were a representation on my skin. My sides and the top of my chest were the worst.

I slowly lifted my hands to wipe my tears, then tried to find the biggest tank top I had. Even though I had my own room, I refused to sleep topless.

After finding the shirt, I walked back to the bathroom to find my Aloe Vera. It didn't take away the pain, but it helped.

I applied it to my front and sides, and as I went to try my back, I heard a knock on my hotel room door, then it clicked open.

Only one other person had my key.

"Sweetheart?" Seungri said in the room. "Where are you?"

"Bathroom." I sniffled, setting down my Aloe Vera to grab a makeup wipe.

"Everything okay? I texted and called you." Seungri said on the other side of the door.

"My phone's in my purse. Sorry." My sides burned even as I tried to remove my makeup. I was so lucky I didn't have any tattoos around the area that was cut. They would've been destroyed.

"Wait, are you crying?" Seungri asked me.

.

I sniffled quickly. He couldn't see me like this. "I'm fine."

"Open the door, Natalia." Seungri said, jiggling the handle. "Something is wrong."

"Seungri, just-"

"I'm not leaving until you open this door."

I looked in the mirror again and wiped my puffy eyes. I grabbed a towel and as tenderly as I could, clutched it to my chest since wrapping it around my body wasn't an answer..

I opened the door a crack so I could peak my head through. "Please, just go. You don't need to hear my problems, please. They aren't worth your time."

"Maybe if you go out with the guys and I you-" Seungri's voice faded as he noticed my bare side, where I didn't have the towel. "What happened?" He looked at me with wide eyes.

"I'm fine." I said again and shook my head. "Go out with the guys and-"

"Natalia," Seungri interrupted me. He pushed the door open a little more. Seungri gently grabbed my shoulder. I let him turn me so my back was facing him.

Seungri gasped at the welts and cuts along my back. "How did this happen?"

I bit my lip. "In order to blend in Lola has to bandage my chest down."

"Every concert?" Seungri stepped into the bathroom. He grabed my shoulders and pushed me back gnetly so he could shut the door.

I nodded.

"This tight?"

I nodded again. "Or else the bandages will fall off or slide down."

"Natalia, there are cuts on your body. This is not good. Does Lola know?" He turned me back around.

I shook my head. "I don't want her to worry. She has enough stress."

"We need to get you to a doctor. This is so dangerous. They could get infected."

I shook my head. "Seungri, no. I'm okay. Can't you see that? We have one more concert. I can get through it."

"Okay? Natalia, you're crying. You are visibly in pain. You can't do this for one more day."

"It isn't my decision. This is for you guys. One more concert isn't going to hurt everything anymore."

"I can't leave you like this," Seungri took out his phone. "Let me call Jiyong and I'll stay to-"

I held up my hand. "Please, stop." I smiled despite the pain. "I'm fine, okay? Really. Go out with the guys. You need to relax, too. You're doing most of the talking out there at the concert."

Seungri looked at me wearily. "Natalia, I just-"

"You want to help me?" I sighed. "Fine. Can you do me a favor?"

Seungri nodded. "Of course."

I handed him the bottle of Aloe Vera. "Can you put some of this on my back? I can't get it. That and you're the only one I feel comfortable looking like this in front of."

Seungri nodded again. "Give me the bottle and turn around." I did what he said, and he took a quick breath. "Is this going to hurt you?"

"Just be gentle." I told him.

I felt his fingers tentively touch my skin, and I in a breath when I felt him graze over a cut.

"I'm sorry." He said immediately, taking his hand away.

I shok my head. "It's fine. You're fine. That's how it's supposed to feel."

Seungri finished applying the Aloe Vera, and i turned around and handed him a separate towel to clean his hands. "Thank you so much. Really, it's already helping."

"Are you sure you don't need me to stay?" Seungri asked.

I put my back to him again and put my tank top on as quick as I could. I turned back around. "I'll be fine. I just need to sleep after I Skype with Vinny."

Seungri sighed and opened the bathroom door. "Okay. I'm just a call away, alright?"

I smiled weakly. "I'm fine. Go have fun."

Seungri lightly grabbed my shoulders, and kissed the top of my head. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I nodded.

Seungri left my room, and i grabbed my laptop and gently sat on my bed. I found a bottle of ibuprofen on my side table, so I quickly took four pills. Hopefully that would help the pain.

I opened my laptop and logged onto Skype. I clicked "Call by Video Chat" next to my brother's name. I really wanted to know how his solo was doing. He was performing on Inkigayo now, and by the performances I saw that YG posted on our YouTube page, he was doing great and had been number 1 of the week for three weeks in a row now.

The call connected, and I was soon staring at my brother onscreen, who was dressed in a cutoff and snapback. It looked like he was in the dance studio.

He smiled brightly and waved. "What up, sis??"

I smiled and waved back. "Hi! How's it going? I heard you're doing awesome on the charts!"

"Not as well as we did with Break It Down, but I did get an all-kill when it was released." Vinny smiled proudly. He chuckled and shook his head. "I really didn't think I was going to do well since YG's having us cover YG songs. But with Teddy's help, we made it with my own flare and fans love it."

I was so proud of my twin brother. "That's so great, Vin! I do like your version. It's mostly in Italian and English, which is really different on Inkigayo."

"I know. I'm surprised SBS is letting me perform it and compete." I pushed my stupid bangs back. "How about the dancers? I know you had to use the lesser crews since Hi-Tech and CRAZY are with us."

Vinny shrugged. "They can hold their own. I mean, it's definitely difference not having Young Deuk and Young Don flanking either side of me, but it's alright." His eyes lit up. "How's the concert going? Having fun?"

No.

I smiled and shrugged. "Everything's fine. So have you talked to Minzy? Are things getting better?"

I saw my twin's face grow in color. He smiled sheepishly. "I mean, we aren't back together yet, but we do text and talk more. They're busy with preparing for their next album. I feel bad, though..."

"Why?"

Vinny shrugged. "They're performing Missing You while I'm doing Who You, and... I'm beating them." Vinny chuckled. "I'm beating 2NE1."

I managed to let out a laugh. "Oh my God, you're so-"

There was a knock on my door.

"It's unlocked." I told whoever knocked. I was really in too much pain to get up.

I turned and looked to the door. Young Don and Young Deuk were in the doorway. "Just wanted to let you know we are staying in." Young Deuk said.

"If you need any ice for your back or anything, just let us know." Young Don added.

"We're just a couple doors down. Goodnight, Nat." Young Deuk smiled.

"Night guys. Thanks." I smiled at the twins and they left. I turned back to my brother. "It was just the twins. Now-"

"Nat." Vinny interrupted me, sounding completely serious. He was looking at me, eyes narrowed. "Are those cuts on your sides and back and front?"

I looked down. "Oh, um, yeah."

"Why are you covered in cuts and welts? What is going on?"

"Calm down, okay? I'm fine. We have to wrap my chest to make it flatter so I blend in."

"You need Lola to take a look at those and-"

I shook my head. "She has enough to worry about. I have one more concert. I'll be fine."  I shook my head. "Enough talk about me. Tell me more about performing. Any rabid fangirls try to attack you?"

Vinny smirked. "Let's just say I'm glad I have Big Will with me. I've had a few close calls when I leave studios." He sighed. "It's so weird... I'm doing variety shows by myself. I'm not used to not having you there. Next to me. It's bizzarre."

"You're doing great, though. I can't wait to watch your episode of Running Man. How fun was that?"

"Lee Kwang Soo is an inch taller than me! He's so tall! I can never get over that. I know we were on Running Man, but it's so different being on by myself." He opened his mouth to say something, but someone entered the room behind him. He looked back and nodded. "Yeah, give me a minute."  Vinny looked back at me. "Sorry, Nat. CL wants me to listen to her solo for the new album."

I smiled and batted my hand at him. "It's fine! I need to get to sleep, anyway. Have fun, okay? Eat healthy and drink plenty of water."

"You, too. Take it easy. I'll see you soon." Vinny waved and smiled.

I waved back. "Bye, bro. Have fun!"

We disconnected.

I was so happy for my brother. He was doing so well and looked so happy. He really deserved this. He didn't need to take his time to worry about me.