Another memory played into my dream again and I quickly opened my eyes as I woke up. I sat up as I break out in cold sweats. I can feel myself shake and wave of nausea hit me. My chest tightens and I’m gasping for air. Tears filling my eyes while I catch my breath. God please, not this again. I thought I’m over this already. I stood up and walk my way to the kitchen, trying so hard not to fall over the stairs. I pitched myself a glass of water and chugged it down. I broke down and sob as I slid down on the floor. I lightly pat my chest, hopefully that I can breathe normally again. Make this stop, please. I prayed and few more minutes of agony, my episode died down but I’m still crying.

Why all of this coming back again? When can I get over these things? Suddenly I heard the front door open. I grew nervous and tried so hard not to make a noise. I heard my foster father climbed the stairs while hearing every creak of the steps until he slammed the door of his room. I take that as a queue and went back to my room.

After I pinched her cheek, The one who doesn’t have a bruise, her eyes widened then I quickly withdrawn my hand.

“Sorry.”

I mumbled shyly and I cleared my throat to shrugged off the awkwardness. Nice, Jongin. You just ruined a nice moment. I sermoned myself. I heard her cleared too, which made me looked at her. She was showing me the notebook in her hands then she pointed at a specific scribble on the page.

“Why did you erased this?”

She asked in a low tone voice. My mouth left hung for a second and I blinked a few times before answering.

“Uhm… that’s wrong… s-so I tried to erased it.” I reason out.

She nod her head and placed the notebook on her lap. I sigh before speaking again and looking at the pond.

“Okay. To be honest, I actually wrote down dancing since it is my passion ever since but then something came up a year ago and I stopped dancing.”

I glanced at her and caught her staring. She smiled before looking at her hands on her lap.

“I actually wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to take up journalism instead of my course now. But I lost the opportunity to pursue my dream and here am I.”

She smiled sadly at me and I can’t help to wonder why did she lost that opportunity.

“Well, you can still take that course, right? I mean, as far as I know, the cut-off grade for Pol-Sci is much higher than Journalism.”

“I can still take that course but I choose not to. Same reason as you have to dancing. You still have the chance to dance but you choose not to.”

She explained and I instantly get it. There is also something in her past.

“One day, we’ll talk about our past. When we’re both ready.”

I said like in a mutual agreement with her and she looked at me and gave me another sad smile while she gave me a nod.--

“Hey! What the hell is wrong with you?” Nami asked and I blinked myself in reality.

“What were you thinking? I think you just went to neverland.”

She stated. We were in my car at SNU’s parking lot since we planned to do this assignment together in some minor subject. I pretended to read something in my notebook.

“Nothing.” I blankly answered.

“Yeah, sure. You just spaced out for good ten minutes staring at your notebook.”

I ignored her and just continued with the assignment.

“Oh, not talking to me? Fine, snobypants.” I felt her rolled her eyes at me.

“By the way, are you done with the written report for Gen Psych?” She asked and I looked at her.

“Not yet and besides we still have two weeks to do that, right?”

“Yup but do you atleast have any progress? I mean c’mon couz, don’t give Jaehyu any hard time by being a jerk.” and I can’t help but to scoff.

“I am not a jerk and in fact, I’m nice to her.”

“Oh, really? As if I’ll believe that. I think Jaehyu is a nice girl so stop being so snoby.”

“I am not snoby.”

“Yes, you are.”

We continued to bicker and miraculously we’re still able to finish our assignment. We seperated our ways even before the bell rang indicating that our first class will start. I entered our class and smiled to myself as I see Jaehyu on her seat, She’s still wearing her mask. As always, looking at the window.

I felt someone took the seat beside me and I knew that’s Jongin. I felt myself became nervous and I tried so hard to be calmed.

“Hi.” I heard a low and a bit husky voice.

“Hi.”

I replied without looking at him and luckily our professor came in and our discussion started. With all the wil that I have, I tried my best not to look at him. The nervousness I had when I first saw him came back. I’m scared that when I look at him, he’ll remind me of Taemin. After an hour listening about rock and soil that I’m not even sure if it’s part of Physical Science at all, the bell rang and without looking anywhere else, I proceeded to my next class. To get over with this day already. There is just something inside me that I don’t want to face any people, like I just want to go home and lock myself in my room. I felt this before and everything is coming back to me and I hate this. I thought I’m okay with this already.

My morning went on and I just ate my lunch at a random bench outside the CSS building. Thanks to the vending machine for being cheap. I was able to eat my lunch. I didn’t want to risk getting caught cooking my lunch at home again. I need a break from all the beating. My next class before my Shakespeare has been cancelled due to my professor’s absent. I still got two hours and thirty minutes.

I find myself walking my way to the Museum of Art. As I enter, I went directly to Lili’s corner where some of her artworks are displayed. I look at it, closely. Every artwork. I ended taking my time looking at Jongin’s portrait. One thing is for sure, he also know Lili unnie and he is friends with Kris and Jongdae. Small world it is.

“Jaehyu?”

I turned around to see who’s the owner of the voice.

“Yifan.”

“I haven’t since you since then. Are you okay?” He asked as he pointed at my mask.

“Yeah.”

He said and he walked closer to me. I went back to look at Jongin’s portrait, not knowing what to say next.

“How have you been?” I asked cautiously.

“I was… uhm... Horrible. After what happened, I forced myself to finish the semester and I decided to go back to China.”

I shifted my attention to him. He’s now staring at Jongin’s portrait. I felt sense of comfort as he continue to talk to me.

“My friends followed me, just to look out for me and I’ll always be grateful to them. I can say I’m okay now.”

He look at me and smiled and I returned the gesture.

“How about you?” He asked.

“Me?”

“How have you been?” and the moment he asked me that question, I felt my lips quiver and tears threatens to brim.

“I’m… f-fine. I guess.”

He put his arm around me and guided me to sit in a wooden bench in front of his portrait.

“I’m sorry.” He said as we admired his portrait.

“Why are you sorry?” I asked in confusion.

“I should have at least went to you and comforted you. I know how much Lili means to you and I cared for you like a sister too but I wasn’t there for you during those times--”

“Don’t be sorry. I truly understand you and I’m happy that you’re okay now. You’ve been through a lot.”

I assured him and I pat his shoulder. He just chuckled and pat my hand back. Kris always give me the brotherly vibe that I never felt and I’m more than grateful that he’s back. He was the only part of my past that is still here with me in the present that didn’t remind me of pain.

“Tell me…” He asked

“What?”

“How truly you’ve been?” He