prompt: [IMPORTANT!!!] play this and this before reading

pairing: sestal; kaistal; sesul; kailli

No, she’s not okay but she’s been through worse.

Sulli may have lived another year or two, Soojung doesn’t really remember because all she can think of are ways to forget Jongin. Delete, delete. Erase, erase. Forget, forget. But has it really worked?

It takes her a hundred muscles (It’s actually 26 or 43, at least that’s what I read in the internet—Sehun would interrupt) to manage a smile whenever she visits Sulli and Jongin’s apartment downtown, with Sehun by her side all the time. She’s lost count of the nights and days spent in bed and in tears and she swears the mattress undergoes a never-ending cycle of soaked and dried tears.

Sehun, on the other hand, makes sure he never forgets Chinese takeouts, horror movies, McDonald’s when she’s not feeling Chinese and lots of advices, different for each day as he spends most of his time in Soojung’s loft.

But I’m still not okay.

/

Jongin

I’m writing this letter because I know you won’t be able to read this. But if you ever do, I want you to know I’m not okay.

But I have to be.

We were six years old when we met one spring afternoon at Sulli’s backyard. You were wearing a dirt-covered shirt and camouflage pants. In your left hand were your slippers and in your right was a ring made out of random twigs. You gave me that ring and told me that we were going to be together forever, giving me that beautiful toothy grin of yours as if it’s the most important thing in the world.

And I believed you.

/

“Soojung!”

Soojung forces a bright smile but even the brightest star dies out at some point.

“Hey.”

Jongin doesn’t know what effect he has on Soojung, and he never will, and that kinda breaks her heart. She’s torn between wanting him to know and not wanting him to. Torn between being selfish and being selfless. But as she recollects her memories one by one, she realizes she’s always been selfless, always been the kind of friend who gives but never receives anything back.

Others say it’s a good thing to give than to receive but there’s only so much a person can give, because once all is given then what is left?

Nothing.

And as Jongin’s face breaks into that familiar beautiful toothy grin of his, Soojung keeps her feet firm, clenches her teeth and tries not to break herself instead.

“I missed you,” he says.

No, stop. Please.

/

So remember that time we made a promise in front of Mr. Moon? When you and Sehun laughed at Sulli being so childish and un-adorable? We made a promise we’d all be together forever.

I made a promise that you and me… we’d be forever, too.

But I guess even the moon isn’t really on my side.

/

“Sulli, how have you been?”

The doors are closed and it’s only Soojung and Sulli inside her bedroom. It feels like déjà vu all of a sudden, the two of them with Sulli lying on the bed sick and pale but Soojung looks like the person dying instead. This has happened before.

“I should ask you that,” Sulli frowns.

“It’s not your fault, Ssul.”

Sulli doesn’t get it, and she never will, Soojung realizes, but things have happened. Tears begin to run down Sulli’s face and suddenly cries have filled the room but it’s nothing compared to the throbbing pain somewhere—it’s my heart breaking to tiny pieces in an extremely low rate which makes it harder, more painful—inside Soojung.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Soojung embraces Sulli in a tight hug.

“No, it’s not. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“I love you, Ssul.”

And Sulli cries even more.

/

We were 13 then when things got a bit more… complicated.

I figured since things weren’t really making any sense for me that I’d just stop. But love isn’t really something to play with, or something easily forgotten. It’s not some Math test I’d cram an hour before then forget the second the test is over. It’s an experience—a crazy, emotional, painful when you’re unlucky but amazing when you’re fortunate rollercoaster ride—that will always leave a scar inside you.

Everyone loved you that time. They wanted to be your friend, to be more than that… even me.

But hey, what a silly wish, right? Haha.

/

“You’re still in love with him.”

“No.” Lies. “Of course not.”

“…”

“Don’t look at me like that, Sehun. You don’t know .”

“But I know you. And you’re still in love with him—”

“—stop—”

“—but I’m here.”

Soojung finally gives in, her make up smeared from all the crying, and buries herself in Sehun’s chest because it’s the warmest thing next to Jongin’s hand during that one spring afternoon.

“I’m always here, Soojung.”

/

I learned how to write for you, Jongin.

I did that because it was the only way I could tell you without telling you. I thought that maybe there was hope, but hope is the most dangerous four-letter word I’ve ever met, and I wish, oh I only wish, you’d never get to experience it because it will kill you. And you can only be silent.

But I guess, even in the most silent, subtlest way, I was still being selfless when I let Sulli have you through my words.

I was happy for you and Sulli, but I wished I was happy for you and me.

/

“It’s not something you can just forget.”

“I know.”

“But you’re going to do it anyway? Even if it breaks Sulli’s heart?”

Soojung chuckles bitterly.

“Hers is complete; mine’s broken. I think it’s time for me to be a little bit selfish, isn’t it?”

/

I don’t know to end this letter. Or note. I’m not really sure what this was.

My point is… I guess I learned that I don’t always get the things I want. It’s cliché but yeah, and that promises are always made to be broken. We can’t be together forever because Sulli’s future doesn’t look too bright and mine seems grim without you, but I think it’s the best way.

London isn’t a bad place to rediscover myself, to think about how I should run my life now that I’ve separated from you. From Sulli. From Sehun.

I’m not leaving permanently. I will be back when I’m stronger.

I will see you and I hope you’re still the happy Jongin I know.

/

“How do you know you’re strong?”

Chatters, announcements here and there, and the sounds of the planes ascending and descending fill the entire airport but it’s soothing, in a way that it distract Soojung from everything else that pains her.

“When I hear his name and I don’t have to worry about faking a smile—I think that’s how I know I’m strong enough.”