prompt: winter by kani grannis

pairing: sestal; kaistal; sesul; kailli

Soojung is six when she meets Sulli, the adorable girl with the brightest smile living next door; Sehun, the grumpy boy with the strangest tantrums living also next door; and Jongin, the boy who caught her heart.

She is uncertain when it began—the unbreakable friendship despite the obvious differences among them and her affection for the certain boy with gorgeous hazel eyes and tousled hair—but one day, it just sort of did.

To her, friendship is bizarre. It’s like a string that ties her to this person or to people who may or may not share likes and dislikes with her, who don’t share the same parents, the same genetics, yet will still feel rather connected, as if they’ve known one another since their lives began. It’s another excuse for countless dramas, strange emotions, darkest secrets, unplanned adventures and best memories made.

That’s why she’s grateful.

/

Jongin

When I first met you

you were nothing than another face.

But six months later and you’re the only face I could ever find in a crowded place.

/

“You guys are the worst,” Sulli whines while the other three are laughing over some private joke she couldn’t understand.

“Aw, come on Ssul!” Jongin chuckles, puts his around her shoulder and pulls her close. “Don’t be such a party pooper.”

It’s already thirty minutes past midnight but they’re out on the streets wandering and sitting by the lake, whispering unsaid promises of forever to the moon. It’s dark and everyone is unable to see each other’s faces. One is bright red, one is oblivious, one is laughing and the other forces a smile.

“Making a promise under the full moon isn’t childish!” Sulli argues, to which Sehun and Jongin respond by laughing some more because they’re eight years old and they’re still kids and a little immature. They laugh at anything sentimental because they’re boys. Girls are girls.

“It is,” Sehun chimes in, his eyes crinkling.

And then, “Promise, Ssul,” Soojung reaches out to intertwine her pinky finger with Sulli’s and she swears she sees the latter smile so bright, it’s blinding.

A couple of seconds later, the two boys hesitantly agree and complain about why girls are so sentimental but they don’t talk about the big smiles plastered on their faces for the entire night.

/

“Forever, right?”

“Forever.”

/

Jongin

                I crave attention

                Adventure

                And you.

/

They’re all 13 when crushing on boys and breaking hearts are widespread.

Everything’s changed really because Sulli isn’t the extremely shy girl from before but she still wore the prettiest, brightest smile. She’s a little confident this time with boys chasing after her, giving her letters and chocolates on the 14^th of February.

Sehun’s still the grumpy boy from before yet he rivals Sulli’s popularity when it comes to receiving presents from girls this time. He’s matured, Soojung notices, in some aspects but still partly the same. He’s breaking hearts now, too.

Jongin turns shy and clumsy but everyone’s in love with him at this age. He gets letters, chocolates, blessings from mothers who think he’s a good son-in-law material, but Soojung scares them away once she notices the fear clouding his eyes.

And Soojung? Well, she thinks she’s never really changed. She’s still in love with the same boy for seven years now.

/

Jongin,

I have looked at you

in millions of ways and

I have loved you in each.

/

“Oh, my god. Is that… chocolate?”

Soojung stares at the small box laid out in front of her, wondering how on earth she could have received something so unusual and who it could have been. The bell doesn’t ring yet but the two boys are back with hands full. Her cheeks are red.

“Sehun! Jongin! Look!” Sulli exclaims excitedly. “Soojung’s got a chocolate!”

Jongin grins. “The boy must be so dumb to give you one.”

“So dumb,” Sehun choruses lazily from behind Jongin before heading quickly to his table. He sits beside Soojung, and had been for the last seven years just because. Sulli sits in front of Sehun and Jongin in front of Soojung.

“Jungie, I’m so happy for you!”

And she really does sound happy; Soojung turns red and ducks her head down in embarrassment. Sulli looks like she had something more to say when the bell suddenly rang and students begin filing the room.

Silently, she looks up and watches Jongin’s back and she wishes that maybe—please, please, please, please—it’s from Jongin.

/

At 14, Sulli and Soojung hang around the patio of the latter’s house as they wait for Jongin’s and Sehun’s arrival. They lie on the grass with their hands spread out and their eyes closed, the sun tickling their skin. No words are exchanged but the silence itself is a soothing company, a reason not to be awkward and an excuse to mull over things.

Soojung suddenly thinks about the instances when Jongin ruffles her hair out of habit because she’s done something great like getting the biggest score in the exam among the four (she’s mostly the one with the lowest grades), or when he grins at her like she’s the most special person or the best girl in the world after she’s saved her from the hungry mothers who don’t know a thing, or when he clings unto her like a leech because she’s the only one who knows his deepest, darkest secrets, or when he tells her nasty things but don’t really mean them because he isn’t good at saying the sweetest things.

And suddenly, she realizes she’s in love with her best friend.

“Sulli, I-”

But Sulli is asleep and maybe Soojung can tell her later when she’s positive about her feelings.

She spots a paper nearby and after contemplating about it for a minute, she decides to write.

Jongin

I could learn every language in the world

but still not have the words to describe how much you mean to me.  

/

“Soojung.”

“Oh, S-Sulli! Were you awake?”

Sulli smiles. “I just woke up.”

“Oh.”

“Jongin? And Sehun?”

“Not here.”

“What are you writing?”

“Just… stuff.”

“Oh.”

/

Jongin

I can’t think of anything

But nights with you.

/

And they’re 16 when Sulli collapses all of a sudden during Tuesday night while they were playing cards near the fireplace and with hot chocolates because it’s blazing snow outside. The night is lovely until the winter turns harsh and the other three can only watch as the adults run around and scream.

Sulli!

What happened!

Sulli, are you okay! Oh my god!

Sulli, Sulli, Sulli…

(Soojung’s hands are shaking and it won’t stop. Sehun embraces her first, whispers her words and tells her of the fondest memories he’s ever had with her.

The shaking stops.)

/

At mid-16, Soojung hears leukemia the first time and learns that it’s a nasty disease. Things begin to change, and although they do, she realizes that it doesn’t always mean things get better. Things can be worse. Worse like how Sulli only has couple of months left.

“Soojung,” Sulli calls out weakly, pale and sad.

“Yes? Yes, Ssul?”

It takes Soojung every bit of her strength not to break out in tears.

“I know.”

Soojung remains silent.

“And I feel the same way, too,” Sulli explains hoarsely. “Jongin. Jongin- he- he read those letters. I saw. You wrote it. And he read those. He- he loves them, Soojung. He does.”

Soojung blinks because although it’s hard to cling to hope, maybe there’s a chance after all.

“But I feel the same way, Soojung.” Sulli is crying, sobbing, and it breaks Soojung’s heart. “I feel the same way. I- I wish I didn’t. I wish I liked somebody else. Soojung, please.”

“Ssh,” Soojung coos, gathering Sulli in her arms and rubbing her back. “Okay, Ssul. Okay. Okay.”

Okay.

The worst thing about falling to pieces is that humans can do it so quietly.

/

“It’s Sulli.”

“Jongin...”

“How could I have not seen it?”

Soojung bites her lip.

“It’s Sulli. It has always been Sulli.”

Maybe she can pick up the broken pieces of her heart later.

/

“I’m not fine as in fine,” Soojung answers when she and Sehun are both 17 while they loaf by the rooftop of the hospital and he asks her if she’s okay, “but fine as in you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I know, Soojung.”

“I figured.” A bitter smile draws on her lips. “You and Sulli have always been the most observant.”

“And you and Jongin are the most oblivious.”

Gazing at Sehun, she grimaces because there’s something about his voice that tells her there’s more to what he said. That this isn’t just something she can just overlook.

And then it hits her.

“The box…” Soojung whispers.

Sehun smiles. “So dumb, right?”

“Sehun, I…”

“It’s okay. You’re in love with Jongin, aren’t you?”

For the longest time, Soojung breaks. The walls around her crumble down so willingly, and Sehun listens. He always does. He envelops her in his arms, safe and secure, and again he tells her things he loved about her just to temporarily forget the pain.

It’s okay. It’s okay.

But it’s not.

/

The future is ambiguous and Soojung realizes that no matter how she can decorate the absence in her heart, she’s always going to feel what’s missing.

Sulli is better, with more color than before, and she’s fighting back with Jongin in her side. For the past few months, Soojung has decided to tell the truth but one day she saw Sulli and Jongin and they were talking and laughing with hearts in their sleeves and eyes and ears and mouths and for the first time, the happiness shared between them outshone anything else.

It’s useless.

Soojung remembers crying over him and no, she doesn’t mean a couple of tears and being blue. She’s talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon and drinking beers at midnight with Sehun.

It’ll be okay he says.

The future is vague but one day, it’ll get better.

There’s no explanation or reason why. One day, she’ll wake up and she’s not hurt anymore.

She’ll be okay.

She’ll be okay.

/

so i gave an open ending ((or im not sure how open it is but yeah)) im feeling super angsty tonight and although my original plan was to end this story happily, i figured a sad ending would but hey, it's still partly happy for sulli and kai and soojung and sehun. rushed but omg hope you guys enjoyed it! x