chapter fortytwo 

 sulli's surrender

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She has never been the type to hold up that white flag and walk away. Choi Sulli was raised to be a strong independent woman. Her brother made sure of that, but as soon as he helped her with the trivial things in life, she became dependent. She knew that too but you can't really stop an old habit in an instant, can you?

She never meant to hold up that white flag of surrender at first, but with everything falling apart in her life at the moment, there didn't seem to be another choice. It seemed like her fingers were acting on their own when they clicked the call button next to Amber's name. Amber picked up, out of breath.

"You're practicing." Sulli stated instead of greeting her how she normally would. She didn't want to be the one to break it to Amber, crushing her dreams and make reality topple onto her in an instant.

"And you're not." Amber retorted, knocking Sulli off balance. Her room seem to be twisting and turning with every breath she took.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush and just tell you-" Sulli was just beginning her ramble of words when Amber cut in.

"You don't need to tell me." Amber quietly said. Sulli felt her blood in her veins rushing through her body and she froze in her spot. She was sure her tongue didn't slip anything unintentionally to Amber during their recent dance practices.

"How did you know?" Sulli asked. She suspected Amber knew already from the looks she gave Sulli during dance practice the other day. 

"I have the tendency to know things before they happen." Amber sounded as if she had just been hurt; her whimpered voice gave away all. 

It suddenly dawned on Sulli that, from the start, she knew nothing about Amber. She may think she does, but truth is, she doesn't. Amber knew all along Luna was going to crush her heart. She knew all along Krystal would be broken beyond repair because of Amber's reckless actions. She knew all along Luna and L.Joe were not going to last. She knew all along Jessica and Donghae would always be on and off.

Most importantly, she knew all along that they were going to fall apart in the storm they called high school. 

Worst of all: she did nothing to stop the inevitable from happening. 

Sulli admired Amber for being clever in a way. All these things were so obvious, someone could've put up a sign that screamed 'SULLI BREAKS UP F(X). TONIGHT!' and Sulli still would've missed it. She mentally scolded herself for being so naive and blunt. 

"I'm dropping out of the talent show." Sulli quickly stated, straight to the point. This was unnecessary, of course, for Amber already knew, just like how she knew all those other tragedies were going to happen.

"You got your common sense back." Amber stated, and chuckled in a low voice. Sulli's eyes widen in realization; Amber was right. She was doing this for her girls' sake, not for own. She couldn't remember the last time she did a selfless act. Shame and embarrassment washed over her like the tides over the sand on a beach.

"I can't say I'm sorry." Sulli whispered. She could imagine Amber nodding her head on the other side of the phone call. Amber ended the call.

To say that it was one of the worst feelings Sulli has ever felt would be an understatement. She felt her stomache tumbling inside her and she wanted to throw it all up. How was it that she felt lonely, but she wasn't alone? She didn't know. Maybe she should ask Luna; she seems to know about feeling lonely more than anyone.

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 author's note 

» I'm so sorry I've been away for months! I've been very busy with school so please forgive me! ):